So exactly a week ago, I wrote some thoughts on Easter and Dying. You can see that post here. I knew Easter was coming, and I felt writing a post was needed if only for the purpose of saying I wrote something. Today, being Easter Sunday, I don’t even know where to begin…
That last post was pathetic… so sad, and yet so true. I am tired, physically and emotionally. At times, I am sick with sadness. I’m on edge some days. It is also April, and I am a teacher LOL! But honestly, one cannot be a Christian for almost twenty years, and expect to continue living life with pink glasses. At some point, your life – your faith – will be tested. It will be tried, pruned, refined. You will encounter suffering. And I am not your pastor, so I am not going to elaborate on my theology of suffering. I am going to assume that when I write, you will follow along, or that at least, you will have enough interest to read your Bible, and find the context of what I am talking about. Also, I am going to be jumping a lot in my story telling, but my point is this: Death will die.
So get this: Fourteen days ago, I was home and I was completely exhausted. I was done. I did not have a good night sleep for two days in a row and when that happens, my brain doesn’t like it very much. Then I received a phone call by one of the few teenagers in my life that I love very much: my ex-boyfriend’s son. That takes me back to April 2024, when I was still living in my apartment (cause I just bought a house!) and I invited my upstairs neighbor to a school gala. I, to this day, will continue to maintain that it was never my intention to ask my neighbor on a date. I did want a date, in fact, I was on several dating apps at the time, but all the men I met through them, were a bunch of losers. And I am being sensitive, but there is no way that at age forty, you show up drunk to a date, or you just borrow four of my books, and then you never text me back again. What the hey – ThiEF!!
Honestly, how do people my age find good dates? Like, the ex-husband of my ex-husband’s wife just got married a couple months ago to a wonderful girl (my children’s stepsister told me) and I’m here like, “I am still processing and learning to enjoy being myself with the good and the bad and the ugly, and everybody already remarried except ME! LOL!”
So, back to the phone call. No, wait, the boyfriend. I invited my neighbor to this dinner with my school because all my dates were a bunch of losers, and I did not want to go alone. That’s the truth. My neighbor, for all I knew, was a serial killer, but I did not think so because I had previously talked to him on a couple of occasions. I found that he was a single dad with a boring life, just like mine. All he did, or all I saw him doing, was going out to workout early in the morning, and driving his children around to soccer or swimming. So I thought, “If this dude comes with me to the dinner, then that’s it. I have fun, he goes out. Good night.”
We never stopped talking after that night. He was incredible smart, a Renaissance man. I work at a Classical school, so of course, he was super interesting. I was delighted to hear him talk about Shakespeare, mostly because inside my own head, I was playing jokes to myself such as, “Remind me how in the world do we like this dude? He’s a poet, a musician and loves musicals! LOL!”
I LOVE MUSICALS!
My neighbor had a sweet, gentle smile. He loved cooking for his children. He pursued me to the death. He made me espressos every morning on my way to school, and baked banana bread for my children. He also wrote down his banana bread recipe for my coworkers, and to this day we still talk about it at my school. He had deep, blue eyes, and I stupidly fell in love with him. That was awesome for a variety of reasons LOL! One, life goes on. I actually had a heart. I realized I had a heart that could feel… so we dated for like four months, until one day he broke up with me.
We talked about getting married – it was serious. We were not dating without serious considerations. But at the same time, we were not “dating” officially. I mean, sure, we were holding hands, and going to the grocery store, and sucking face, but I knew better LOL!
I could not introduce this man to my family unless I knew he was a Christian. When I say my family, I mean my pastor and my congregation. My neighbor knew from the very beginning that this was my position. Unless he could articulate the gospel, and explain to me how he came to faith in Christ, and was willing to sit with me and study the 1689 LBCF, nothing was going to move forward. I forgot a key element in this story: He was Lutheran, from the ELCA. Women pastors and such… and if you know anything about me (either because you have read my blog or because you personally know me) you should be ROFL. This is the man I was willing to marry LOL!
He had great qualities, don’t get me wrong, but spiritually, I felt we were worlds apart. He talked to my pastor several times and my pastor advised him not to date me at all. At all. My pastor told him to pursue Christ, not me, but you see, I was irresistible LOL!
Oh, gosh! This is awesome. God is so good! You just keep reading…
The thing is my neighbor and I didn’t see the world the same way. We had different priorities. Mine was to be a wife and a mom. I wanted a husband to share life with, a husband to take care of. While I was working full-time now, and I knew I would not go back to be a SAHM, I did not have plans or have ever had plans to change the world in any astounding way, you know what I mean? My neighbor, on the other hand, wanted to “blast off on the rocket ship of his life” knowing his wife would be waiting home for him to refuel while being fulfilled and joyful. He told me he was not the man for me – over text. Over a 473- word text. SMH.
He was right in breaking up with me. I behaved in ways that were not healthy. There are two versions to every story, and his was that I had many insecurities. I did. My insecurities apparently took him to an unhealthy place, filled with ghosts from his past (his previous marriage). I wanted to be a teacher, raise my children and serve Christ. He wanted to get busier and busier as life went on. Do public service, politics. Save the world, I guess. My neighbor broke my heart because in a nutshell, he said, we were incompatible.
I hated that word: incompatibility. My marriage ended on that basis. We all know that was a whole load of crap, my ex-husband left because he loved his sin. However, to hear from my neighbor that we were incompatible was very painful, even though it was true. It was my own fault that I did not guard my heart, but it was still painful. I guess I was still wrongly assuming that when people hear/think/talk marriage, they hear/think/mean what I mean, but they don’t. That much was obvious in my relationship with my neighbor because I do agree I had insecurities.
Absolutely. I had red flags. He had red flags. I saw them all, but ultimately I was willing to work them out, but he didn’t. Now, that is his version.
My version is he got cold feet LOL! Or actually, Jesus was THE dealbreaker.
At some point, probably after a couple of months, our children already knew each other, and had interacted with one another over a whole blackout that lasted some days back in summer 2024? It was almost seamless, we didn’t force anything. Actually during one time that he wasn’t home, his youngest son came crying into my apartment telling me his oldest brother had been mean to him. Then I went upstairs with my Bible, and I began talking to this teenager, and he actually listened. My neighbor’s oldest son seemed to be really sensitive to Christ and since then we became close. I loved my neighbor’s sons. I loved them all, even the middle one LOL! I don’t think he ever liked me very much.
Sometimes I would read the Bible at night to his youngest son and my children, or I would read the Bible with his oldest son – I bought him a Bible with his name. Everything was going great, right? I cooked for them at times, I baked for them. He cooked for us at times. We were neighbors! We got to know each other really quick in the context of doing life in the same building. And I continued asking him to study the Word with me, but he never showed real desire or “thirst”. We needed (I needed) to see whether or not he was legitimately a believer. What was his understanding of the gospel? Where did he stand on baptism? He was raised a liberal Lutheran. We visited a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church once.
Several occasions he came to my church, and he told me he had never heard expository preaching. He had no idea you could actually read the Bible and study it. It was his understanding everything had to go through a priest/pastor (that sounded very Roman Catholic to me). In all good faith, I really tried to understand him. I knew I had been very judgmental in the past. But by now, as you can tell, I had already crossed a ton of boundaries. I was literally in love with a dude who probably was not even Christian, and even if he were, he was really new in the faith.
You ask me now, when hormones are not clouding my vision, he was not a Christian. He thought he was. He wanted to be. He was a goody goody, after all, he was a Boy Scout, and a son of a Boy Scout. And so, yeah, I began to behave in very obnoxious ways. Let me back up. I think the Lord was working in His heart – there was no doubt about that. But he was not there yet. I think some of my best friends at church saw that, and even my pastor saw that, and therefore, all wisdom said: “DO NOT DATE HIM. You may continue to be friends with him, and continue to know him in all seasons, but even if he repents, gets baptized, and jumps through all the hoops you are putting in front him (and I was putting a lot of them), you cannot know if his conversion is real until after a while. At least a year or so. You don’t want him to come to church or do all these things for your sake, just to get YOU, Karla. You want him to be here for Christ. If he doesn’t love Christ, then you are destined to repeat the same mistake and be as miserable as you were in your first marriage.”
Did I listen? Of course, not. I disobeyed the Holy Spirit. I knew what I was doing, I wasn’t stupid, but as time progressed, I was getting more and more anxious – therefore what he calls “my anxieties and insecurities.” I just did not see the point of keep talking, hanging out, having dinners and planning a future if he was not going to find the time to sit down with me, and talk about the stuff people talk about so we would not have surprises later.
Like, let’s get to the real stuff now, and then, if we see we actually have a future, then we can date with ease, knowing all people on both sides are supporting us. It meant the world to me for my pastor and my congregation to like this guy, because I liked this guy! And it is not that they did not like the guy, it’s that they were not sure about the guy LOL! And it was out of love. As a church, we excommunicated my husband. My pastor saw me devastated. My church family had to listen to me over and over about my life, and about my ex-husband, and his new girlfriend and how she was pregnant before we were even divorced. I cried every Sunday for months…
All my church friends were willing to embrace a godly man if a godly, Christ-loving man were to pursue me, but my neighbor was not that man, and I knew it. And so, ultimately, my version is that God answered my prayer, and he got the neighbor out of my life because he indeed was not the man for me. I knew it after he told me once that between Sunday at church or his children’s sports, he was always going to choose sports. Ugh, and even then, I was so willing to compromise on my core beliefs for a duuuuude… What was wrong with me?! You know what was wrong with me? Christ was not seating in the altar of my heart. That’s what. It has taken me seven months to deal with this, but I finally understood it. I actually did**
My neighbor justified himself by putting the breakup on me, but I blame the breakup on Jesus. I am fine now, but it hurt. A lot. Mostly because he broke up with me. It was another rejection, you see? I should have never dated my neighbor, but I did, so the heartbreak was nothing but my fault. In a way, the breakup solidified the core belief that I was not good enough. Just like my husband had left, my neighbor also left.
Honestly, Jesus is the One who is always scaring them all away. It is not that I can’t get a date – it’s that all the “Christians” really need to read their Bibles more…
Ok, enough background.
MY EX-BOYFRIEND GOT BAPTIZED TODAY!!!!
WHAAAATTT!!!
YES! HE DID!
So the call. I started with a call.
Two weeks ago, I was going through a very, very hard personal time, and my neighbor’s son called me. He said that he wanted to share some news with me, and then he proceeded to just quickly tell me that he was going to be baptized today, and that the pastor of the church he had been attending asked him to invite the person who had had the most Christ-like influence on him, and he called me. That made me cry when I hung up.
Long story short, my neighbor apologized to me a couple times within the last two weeks. It was the same text, he just sent it twice after I ignored it. We did not end up in good terms seven months ago. I was rude, he was rude. I was probably more rude. Anyway, he said he had reconciled with God, but not with me, and that I was the child of God who reached out to him in his solitude, and that he never honored me for the many blessings I had brought into his life, and the lives of his children. When I read all of that, I was like, “BARF!”
I ignored the texts, alright? I was mad. Reading that reminded me of his breakup text. Dude is a writer. He has perfect grammar on his texts. Anyway, I ignored the texts. I texted him last night, however, since I never heard confirmation on the baptism. Since I was actually replying, he texted me the same text he had texted me twice already. He said he had texted it, but he never heard from me.
“Of course not. I purposely ignored your texts because you could have apologized to my face just the same way you should have broken up with me – to my face. Twenty steps, dude. You could have gone downstairs, knocked on my door, and told me we were done.”
This is happening the night before Easter. Last night. I am a sinner. I know you all know that. Ok. So now he knows my number is correct, and he texted me his apology for the third time. I know him. He was never a texter. He probably wants to hear, “I forgive you.”
UGH. Then I began arguing in my own head with the Lord, “How is it possible that I already made the peace with Emerson, like for real. After some conversations, he truly offered me what I consider his first sincere apology in two years, and I, in tears, said, ‘I forgive you’ from the heart, but I cannot possibly let go of this stupid idiot? Like, the husband who cheated on me, off the hook. Forgiven. And it hurts. Forgiveness always means pain in one way or the other, but it is in the past. I even like his baby, and play with his baby. But I cannot make myself type, ‘I forgive you’ to my ex-boyfriend?”
Then I continued, “Look. Resurrection Sunday is tomorrow. How can I possibly not forgive someone who hurt me after you have forgiven me more than that? I don’t feel it, okay? But fine, I need to let go. He wants to hear that I forgive him, fine. ‘I am happy to hear you made peace with God through Christ. Thank you for you message. I forgive you, [NAME]. I will see you tomorrow at the baptism.”
So I walked today into their church, and out of the blue, here they come. My neighbor sees me, and when I offered my hand to shake, he totally embraces me, and I don’t know what to do. He hugged me with a very sincere hug, and suddenly all my anger goes away. You know why? Because he had shaved. His beard and his mustache, particularly his mustache, was a very integral part of his identity. He never would have shaved, but now he has no hair, at all, mainly cause he’s bald LOL! but also no beard, and no mustache. He was also wearing a shirt and shorts.
I did not really hug him back. I think I actually pushed him away gently, but I did hug his youngest son whose freckles I loved. Then I said hi to the middle one, I gave him a hug, and I totally embraced his oldest son who was getting baptized. Then it hit me. My neighbor is being baptized too.
I went on my way and sat down. I was right there today, Easter Sunday 2025, three feet away watching my neighbor (and ex-boyfriend LOL!) being obedient to Christ, and getting baptized. And if you had seen his face and his smile when he was listening to the pastor… he went down and up. When he got out of the baptistry, he looked at me with his gentle smile, and I hugged him this time. We watched his son being baptized, and then they left to change clothes. His son later came and sat down with me, and we listened to the whole sermon together. I was not able to say goodbye to my neighbor because I had to go to my own church home to teach Children’s Church, but he did text me and thanked me for being there this morning.
I did not feel like forgiving him last night when I replied, but I knew I had to obey Christ. And this morning when I saw his deep blue eyes and realized he was getting baptized too, I realized he meant the apology. He had to mean it. And I forgave him from the heart. How could I not? I pray he continues walking closely with Christ and therefore make his calling and election sure, but it is a big deal for a person who was baptized as an infant to make the decision to be baptized as an adult. I am so happy for him and for his son. I hope both of them could be a guide to the other children in the family who are still to believe in Christ.
Now to the meat of my post, which believe it or not, we are just getting to: I have been contemplating my death lately. Again, I am not dying nor do I want to die, but I will die one day. I have to make a will and put up a trust and God knows what else. I have a mortgage now, who’s paying my house when I’m gone? I cannot leave the debt to my children. I need to make a list of bank accounts and stuff so that someone can take care of things when I’m gone, so my children can mourn me.
You know all of those things that I was scared of if my husband were to die, well, he did not die. He divorced me LOL! Now I need to take care of things for others so they don’t have to worry. I don’t think they are worried, my children, but when I’m gone, I will be gone. I will be with the Lord and who cares! But I don’t want them to not know what to do. I also need to buy a place to be buried. People should not be dealing with these things in the moment. And all these things require money, and I need to make more money. And on and on we go… the Lord will provide. There’s a cemetery literally behind my neighborhood. You can walk from here. I will call them soon.
My point is today at this other church where the baptism happened, the pastor said that when you have Christ, really there is nothing to fear. Death? Why should you fear death? The sting of death is gone. Really the only power death has over a soul is hell – punishment. There is one birth and two deaths: The natural death of decay that all of us will suffer due to sin, and then eternal death, apart from Christ. But when we have Christ in us, two births, the natural and the spiritual (only because of his mercy, He made us alive) then there is only one death. It is like falling asleep.
I have always being afraid of losing others. Losing my husband. Losing a child. I lost my husband. I lost a baby. The last five years of my life have been nothing but loss. And death lurks and death whispers as if it is winning, and today, watching my ex-boyfriend being baptized reminded me once again that God is God and I am not. God has a perfect timing for all He does, and He is never late. I think He is late. I wanted to rush my neighbor, but God was and is in control of my neighbor’s heart, not me.
In the same way, this pastor also said that the sufferings of this life are only temporary, and it sounded like he said it so casually. It was a fast sermon, it was only like thirty minutes, and for it to be so short and so packed with Scripture like it was, I was honestly impressed. I clearly heard the gospel, but for someone who is going though dark seasons of life, it could sound a little bit careless. But I was glad that I heard that because it reminded me of the tomb. The tomb is empty. Yes, the people I love will die one day. I will die one day. For all I know, I die after posting this. What matters now is whether or not that person who we deeply love knows Christ. If they do, then all will be well – in time. If they don’t know Christ, then they will be separated from the love of God forever, and we will never be able to fellowship with them again.
I left the church encouraged knowing that as long as it depends on me, I will always preach Christ to those around me. And I pray that God opens their eyes. I mean, you never know, my neighbor and his son got baptized!
How good and merciful God is, is He not?!
** I wish I could write more about my single life. Maybe on another post. I do want to say I am very glad that God not only allowed, but ordained my divorce. He also ordained my marriage. I love my ex-husband. I always will. I told him the other day I will never be able to hate him because he is the father of my children. I have no romantic feelings for him, none whatsoever. Brother, eww. But I love him. I also told him he has a cute baby.
After my neighbor broke up with me I was totally depressed for about a month. I had to deal with a lot of emotions, plus life got complicated on other levels, which is exactly why I was so sad when I received the call from my neighbor’s son. But I have dealt with some of my main issues in relationships. I understand and actually believe now that my husband “not choosing me” or even my neighbor leaving was not a me problem, but a them problem.
I know I have issues. Who doesn’t? What I want is peace. I want to be loved and accepted and cherished for who I am. I do not want to morph into being what others want me to be, or the version of me I think they would like. I want to be me. I like being me. Sometimes I don’t. But for the most part I do. I am smart. I am capable. I am funny. I am good at making memes. I am a great – a GREAT – Math teacher. I am kind, I have the patience of ten old grandmas. I am a great cook and a great baker. I am sweet, and I am spontaneous. I am also a hot mess, and that’s exactly why I blog the way that I blog. If men cannot see that I have wonderful qualities to offer in a relationship, it sucks, but it’s on them.
I deleted all the dating apps. Every time I come home, whether my dishes are on the sink or in the dishwasher, it’s okay. I feel peace. If I haven’t folded the laundry, I am at peace. I am happy being single. This may be selfish or maybe I have made it: I don’t want to date anyone, not even one. I don’t have time! I am busy. I have my children who demand all my attention. I love Christ and Christ has been everything for me. Literally. He has been EVERYTHING for me.
He has provided for me. He has protected me. He has cherished me. He has shown me time and time again, that He is the only One who loves me. He made me. He gave himself for me. All this time, I had missed a very important lesson in all this grieving. I was grieving the marriage I had and I lost, but also the husband I wanted and I never had. A husband who loved Christ. That’s the point of marriage – Christ and His Church. But even happy marriages, the best of marriages, fail to portray perfectly that image. Sin is still here. The real marriage, the one all marriages point toward, is the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. That’s the real thing. Even sex points to that intimacy that Christ has with His people. In eternity, my husband here is not going to be my husband there. That relationship will cease. It is not about having a husband here. It is about Christ. Always. I do feel lonely at times. But even then, Christ comforts me. I have seen the goodness of God in Christ towards me in the most difficult times in my life, and it feels horrible at times, but today I know Christ in ways I wouldn’t have known Him had I not gone through the trials He has set for me. He knows exactly what each of us need.
I wish I had more time, but I don’t. I need to finish this so I can post it.
I am content in my singleness. Really content. That’s all.
Dissecting Jesus 