A Tribute to my God, and a blow kiss to my unborn children

PART 1

It was April 4th, 2021. I was the happiest woman in the entire world; as far as I knew, I really was the happiest woman alive. I was at church celebrating Resurrection Sunday with my beautiful family: an amazing husband, a ten year-old girl, an eight year old boy, and a wonderful six month-old baby. I was also six weeks pregnant…

Three days later I miscarried.

Maybe a month after, I was asked to speak at a Baby Shower for a sweet lady at church, and I wrote (and expounded on) what I said in my “speech” here: God’s Discipline in Motherhood. Obviously, almost no one knew what had happened – definitely not the lady who asked me to speak at the Shower. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I didn’t refuse when she asked me to speak, but I went ahead and delivered a message with a lot of good theology – truths from the Word of God that are precious to me, and that I wholeheartedly affirm.

I actually read again that blog entry this morning, and I just realized that it took a full year for my heart and my emotions to catch up to many of the things that I said that day. I think that talking about suffering and adversity is way easier said that done. God has been definitely been gracious to me in the fact that I have been humbled by going through the pain of losing a baby. Oh, and it was a baby. Let me say that upfront. Please don’t ever try to offer some words of encouragement to any mother by saying, “Well, it was ONLY six weeks old, you know.”

Also, I’ve been coping with memes LOL!

This is obviously a joke within a joke (it’s what Michael says). Only biological WOMEN can be pregnant.

So take my advice, it’s for FREE. If somebody telIs you they lost a baby, no matter how far along she was, either you say, “I’m sorry,” or just try to hug them instead. I am a very reasonable person, so I understand that I can’t compare my suffering to the suffering of a mom who has to go through labor to deliver a stillborn, but my child was created in God’s image, and I yearn for the day when I will be able to hold him or her – to know him or her face to face.

It has been eye-opening, to say the least, how my emotions and my feelings got in the way while dealing with a situation like this. And it’s obvious, right? I needed to grieve!! I just didn’t know what grief was or what to expect. I thought I was sinning by not being content after the miscarriage, like I needed to be joyful and thanking God for it… which, by the way, I do thank God for it. I don’t rejoice in the death of my child, but by God’s grace, I am currently able to say something along the lines of, “God, I wish my baby hadn’t died, but I know this was a gift from you. It still hurts, but I thank you for what you have taught me about Your character and your unfailing love for me during this hard time in my life.”

So I was taken aback with all these feelings, right? Anger, sadness, despair, plus plenty of hormones that had to leave my body, too. Add the fact that I had to go to the doctor to confirm that I was indeed pregnant at some point, and then the questions, and the pokes in your arms. So I bought this book called Learning Contentment by Nancy Wilson. I already said I thought I was sinning because I was super sad all the time. I had three beautiful children, and yes, I had lost a baby, but like, “God has been good to me. Why am I this sad? This is not okay, or is it?”

So in her book, Nancy talks about how many women come to her asking for help in dealing with their discontentment, but as she listens to them, she realizes these women are actually grieving. And then I thought, “Am I grieving? Maybe I am. I don’t even know exactly what that word means.”

Yes, that’s how bad my obliviousness to suffering was 😬

Moving forward, I had zero idea grieving takes hard work, and that as a Christian, although you should grieve in a way that honors God, you nonetheless need to grieve. So I bought yet another book called Grieving by James White. Reading that short and sweet book (you can’t read a treaty that explains your pain, so I think it’s the perfect length) exposed me to the concept of grieving from a Christian perspective for the first time. The only other time I have cried over someone’s death was when my grandpa died. I was 12 years old. However, the dynamic of the family in which I was raised is so foreign to the things that book mentioned, that it is literally a matter of light versus darkness. I could not stop crying over not being able to understand why my grandpa hadn’t taken his chemo medicine when he had promised me that he would. He PROMISED me he would, and yet we found all these pills hidden in his bedroom. The adult in charge of me during the funeral (who honestly was still a child herself) told me, “You need to stop crying, Karla. He’s dead. Your crying won’t bring him back, and he obviously didn’t mean what he said.”

You can’t blame that adult, nor the older adults in charge of raising that adult. Goodness, those adults were never raised in functional homes to begin with, let alone Christian households.

So even though it has been hard to learn to grieve well, I am in awe at how God has been so gracious and so good and so kind to me in shielding me from these things until now. I also know, or at least I hope, that I can be an instrument in His hands to maybe one day being able to comfort others with the same comfort that I have received from my Father in heaven. No one teaches you how to grieve well, there should be a Sunday School Class for that, like a Grieving 101, but BEFORE the tragedy or adversity happens.

So okay, I lost a baby. Let’s keep trying, right?

Recently my OBGYN has politely said that my labs suggest I am entering perimenopause, which is the transition a woman’s body enters before hitting menopause. I can still get pregnant, although it will be very difficult. Again, not impossible, but very difficult. And I get it, you know, I am not in my prime anymore. I am almost forty years old, so this is the beginning of the end for me being able to “Be fruitful and multiply.”

I am about to make a parentheses here. I know the “numbers” in my labs might have been a fluke, or that numbers fluctuate, I get that. But I am almost forty years old. Sure, I may not be that old, but it is a matter of fact – of The Fall – that our bodies decay; and I don’t mean to be morbid here, but in a way, we are all dying. It has definitely been sweet to see people encouraging me by saying I should not resign myself to what the doctor said, or that I need to pray with hope, or that maybe I need to change my diet in order to take care of my body and get my hormones right. I have not taken offense at those comments, I really haven’t; and I have thought about the numbers, you know, I really have. If I came to the hospital with a blood glucose of 300 mg/mL and a A1C of say, 7%, the doctor would absolutely declare me diabetic. Numbers DO mean something. My numbers, although the doctor said they are not set on stone, are a good indicator of how ancient my eggs are LOL!

They “should” be around a value of 1.00 for a woman my age, but mine are 0.015 – lower than the lowest range.

Even with some other comments that have ranged from, “Your baby has wings now,” to “If I couldn’t get pregnant I would think I was cursed,” God has actually worked in my heart, too. I have remembered things that I’ve said to people in the past, and I have had to apologize to some friends for speaking with ZERO compassion. One time I told one of my dearest friends that I was pretty sure God would bless us with babies right away after my husband had his vasectomy reversal, because you know, “I had always been so fertile in the past”. You know what? I had absolutely forgotten that that particular friend had struggled with infertility for years. Ugh… Another time I said to another friend that I refused to take fertility pills because I couldn’t imagine having a child with disabilities. Of course I didn’t mean anything evil! I meant that I could not set my heart on having a child by any means possible knowing that a particular drug could potentially harm said child. But in the process of saying that, I forgot about the fact that my friend has a child with special needs. I’m telling you, that day, when I realized what I had said, I baked a lemon bread, and brought it to her house and asked for forgiveness. She was so sweet, she didn’t even know why I was at her house with bread and apologizing, so I had to go through the shame of telling her what I had said again, and then elaborate on what I actually meant. I felt like such an idiot; this is one of the godliest women I know! How could I have spoken such words without even thinking?! Well, I am a human being, and sometimes – many times – I open my mouth without thinking. So God, using the miscarriage as His instrument, has also taught me to be more compassionate and thoughtful about the suffering of others, as well as the things I say to them; while at the same time helping me to be gracious when people say things to me that might be hurtful, but that I know they probably meant well.

But going back to the numbers and my “diagnosed” infertility… Can God give me life in the womb? Absolutely He can. Will He give me life in the womb if I change my diet or pray with more faith? Not necessarily. This past year has been full of sin in my life, and something that has been very clear to me is that He is God and I am not. He gives life to whomever He wants to give life to. I’ve been exercising constantly, running half-marathons, keeping a healthy diet, precisely because I wanted to get pregnant. But I am done trying to do this or that, so that God does this or that back.

God – not me, not my diet, not my hormones – GOD controls the conception of children. Yes, I do have a responsibility to take care of my body, but at the same time, it is also perfectly fine that I am willing to recognize that my most fertile days are over without wallowing in self-pity (which I have also been guilty of). To be very frank here, if you consider that I was 18 years old when God gave me the gift of life in the womb for the first time, it is amazing to me that twenty years later I became a mom again at the age of 38.

So basically, my husband, as always, was right. I need to trust God, and stop trying to control things: mainly because I can’t. Oh, I would absolutely love to control things if I could. Isn’t that what we all try to do at times? That is precisely why it is a magnificent and marvelous thing that God is God and I am not. I make a terrible god. The LORD does not give His glory to another. I have been so, so proud and so full of myself… I can say without the shadow of a doubt I needed the chastisement of the Lord in my life.

In the words of C.H. Spurgeon, “You will never glory in God till first of all God has killed your glorying in yourself.”

JOB 42:1-6

1Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“I know that you can do all things,
    and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
    things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
‘Hear, and I will speak;
    I will question you, and you make it known to me.’
I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
    but now my eye sees you;
therefore I despise myself,
    and repent in dust and ashes.”

PART 2

If you are still reading, what comes next is just pure details on how the Lord helped me deal with all this. You don’t have to read them all to know the Lord is good, but I do need to write them all – or at least the “short” version (yes, this is the short version)- because I forget often about His goodness, and this is after all, a blog that I began writing so that I remember.

I think it is fair to say that my mind has always been my worst enemy. I am a sinner, but I have a wonderful Savior. I keep a journal of my thoughts and my prayers, and though I am not as consistent as I wish I were, I was recently able to see a pattern. I think being able to read what I had written in the past really helped me to see where I have been sinning for the past two years, or three. It’s not that I didn’t know, you know, but I continued doing the same thing. I did see some change, though. I did pray, and the Lord did change my heart. I did see God’s grace in my life one trial at a time. I DID see it.

The best way I can explain it is by saying that God has helped me see different aspects of His character through the same struggle, if that makes sense. It has been the same struggle for me, for a long time – time and time again, but God keeps showing me mercy. The struggle is this: fear and unbelief. That’s it. So I will try to elaborate on that.

For example, I am terrified of my husband dying, or I was. I am not as afraid as before. God has helped me with that. Now, brace yourself for my selfishness: I am afraid because he is the one who takes care of the finances of the home. I know I’m going to miss him, but I’m more afraid that I won’t be able to mourn him and grieve because I won’t know what to do with insurance policies, and all those things that need to be taken care of. He is amazing with his Excel sheet, and the only time I tried to keep the budget, we were in the red as fast as two days. I am not organized. I have zero idea of what he does with the backyard, when it needs to be fertilized, erosion control, weed control, mulch, trimming the trees, power washing the walls when they go green so the HOA doesn’t call you five times. If the AC dies, I don’t know what to do. These are first world problems. I know. I also know there’s wisdom to be exercised here, and I could be learning all of that before he dies, right?

[I actually had to ask him what are some of the many things he does cause I am clueless].

Over the years, God has also shown me that I’m afraid of not being able to take good care of the resources that would be entrusted to me were my husband to pass away. But my energy and my tears have been spent so much on those dark thoughts, that one day, by God’s grace I thought, “Where does your trust really lie, Karla? What if your husband were not to leave you any money at all? How then would you survive? A widow with two children and zero money? – I had two children at the time.

“Where are you placing your trust? In your husband’s bank account or in the Lord who provides? Even if you knew how to take care of that money and make it grow, you might still lose it all; what would you do then? Would you trust God to keep His promises to never leave you nor forsake you? What if you become homeless? Will you still praise the Lord? Will you be able to say ‘The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name’?”

After thinking those things, I realized that I was mainly afraid of my inability to do a good job with the resources that God has entrusted to us. A job like the one my husband has done. I don’t even know how to use Excel, and I mean, I am obviously not my husband. It has made me so angry just to think that were I to die, he would be like, “Okay, children, she’s dead, let’s go buy groceries and keep on plowing through the Math curriculum…”

My husband is so capable and so smart. And I feel like I am not. I actually asked him what he would do before I wrote it down, and he said, “I don’t know, I’d miss you, and I don’t know any of the things that you do with them. I don’t have time for that. I’d probably just tell them, ‘Okay, I need to work. I don’t know what your mother does with you, so do school.'”

This let me know he would figure it out. I have come to the realization that I would need to ask for help. I will need help, at least with some things. And God will help me through His people. I have actually identified that the husband of my dear friend (the one I was a jerk to with my comment about being Fertile Myrtle) is an accountant, and my husband really trusts him, so there’s that. I mean, we are the Body of Christ – the Lord provides you with people to help you, and He is glorified in that. Now, again, there’s wisdom to be exercised, and I’m not looking forward to my husband dying. I don’t have it all figured out, but the Lord has taken that anxiety away from me. He will take care of me. It’s not something that I dwell on anymore as often as I used to do before. Actually I haven’t thought about it in a long time. It was memorizing Scripture and meditating on what I was memorizing that helped me. I memorized Lamentations 3:21-26 .

So, here’s the pattern…

In March 2019, I wrote in my journal that I was very anxious about not knowing what would happen in the future regarding my life. There was this fear that came out of nowhere. Around the same time, I was praying that my husband would agree that we should homeschool the children. He said he needed time to think about it. At the same time, we were in the process of leaving our church over issues that were irreconcilable. Also, my husband was about to get a vasectomy reversal. I guess life was busy LOL!

My husband was not even scheduled for the surgery and I was already afraid of God not giving me babies. I knew I had done things in the past that were unforgivable – I had an abortion at 18. I had joked about not wanting to have more babies. I had despised in my heart the thought of staying home with my children and homeschool them. Of course, God had changed my heart regarding homeschooling, but I knew I had done things. I was not in the Word much. We were attending a mega church, and even though I loved my friends there, I was spiritually starving. I mean, I loved to hear expository sermons online, but there was no real discipleship, or any real life-giving fellowship that I was a part of. My pastor didn’t even know me.

I had the desire to have more babies as soon as my second one was a little bit older, but by then my husband had had a vasectomy because I had told him I was done having children after labor. Labor. You don’t decide things after labor… Anyway, my husband said the insurance didn’t cover the reversal, and that was that. We were selfish. I was selfish. People have different reasons to stop having children. In our case, we were thinking like the world thinks of children.

Now, the story of how God changed my husband’s heart is so sweet that I’m going to write it again. You can also see that the Lord was already working in my fear issues back since I had Danny. I wrote about it in Welcome Home, Danny!

My husband is telling Danny the story of why he got his vasectomy reversed:

Danny,

On February, 2019, I took a little trip to Singapore and India. While I was there, I took a stroll to the neighborhood where we used to live. We used to spend all our time together when we lived there, and many memories came back. We had a lot of fun, and it was a great place to live. We would see the sunrise and the sunset on most days because we had a terrace in our building. When I was there, I felt so guilty.

I saw Enzo’s videos from when he was two years old, and I remember we were so frustrated because he was disobedient and angry all the time, and tossing things. But now that I looked back, I felt so guilty… he was only two, he was a little boy. I called Mommy, and I told her about it. She said she knew I was feeling guilty, and she read to me Psalm 103.

I guess the Lord had been working in my heart already, but that Psalm and also looking back at Enzo and Libby when they were little, made me think it had been a mistake. It was not the right decision to make on 2012 when I had a vasectomy. We thought, ‘We are done, our family is complete, and we don’t want any more kids. When we are 47, our children will leave the house, and we will be free. We are still young and we will enjoy our lives.‘ But the more and more I read the Scriptures, the more I saw that children are a blessing from the Lord. We were thinking more like the world than biblically.

On the way back from India, I took a 17-hour flight from Doha to Houston, and I sat down next to a mommy with a little girl. That baby was holding my finger, and she reminded me so much of your sister, her big brown eyes, very cute and tender. I felt even more conviction from the Lord. I thought, ‘What did I do? This was a mistake…

So upon my return, and after praying more, I scheduled a vasectomy reversal. On May, I had surgery, and we prayed that if indeed it was the Lord’s will, that Mommy would get pregnant, but it was not happening. On January 2020, I traveled again, and we had missed the window, but we tried anyway. The Lord, in his grace and his mercy got Momma pregnant, and nine months later, here you are in my arms. You were supposed to be born today (October 20th), but you were born two weeks earlier because you are big.

You are gorgeous, you are a little angel, and your Daddy loves you very much. And I’m probably gonna make mistakes like I did with Enzo and with Libby, but it’s gonna be mostly your fault.

I love you. I love you, Son.

This is what was in my husband’s mind when he was in India 🙂

I think there’s a lot to unpack in what my husband said because there are no mistakes in God’s plan for our lives. Yes, my husband did have the vasectomy, but that was God’s will for his life. My pastor would say, “Did it happen? If the answer is yes, then that was God’s sovereign plan for your life all along.”

Things get complicated, though, the more you think about these things. There are things that are horrible that have happened through human history, and we need to think about those atrocities from a biblical point of view, without trying to “let God off the hook”. That’s where most Christians cringe. I think, for the most part, Christians feel safe by saying that God allows bad things to happen, and that He works things out for the good of those who love Him. But what I am saying is that I also affirm that God actually ordains those bad things to happen, that He sees to it that those bad things happen, and that the reason they happen is because He planned that they happen. And if this is where I lose you, I understand.

I would hope you would give me a chance to explain what I mean, but it doesn’t take five minutes, you know. I’m going to link some wonderful resources that talk about God’s Sovereignty and God’s Providence, the misunderstandings of it, and how to deal with biblical texts. God is indeed sovereign and omnipotent while at the same time, unchanging and unchangeable, just and loving, merciful and holy.

We have to have categories in our mind that allow us to see God for who He has Himself revealed to be in the Scripture – a God who bring calamity and even ordains sin to happen, without God being evil or the author of evil. Those things are true at the same time, and there’s a lot of tension with that, but the Bible teaches both are true.

LBCF 1689 – Chapter III. Of God’s Decree

Paragraph 1
God hath decreed in himself, from all eternity, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely and unchangeably, all things, whatsoever comes to pass;1 yet so as thereby is God neither the author of sin nor hath fellowship with any therein;2 nor is violence offered to the will of the creature, nor yet is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established;3 in which appears His wisdom in disposing all things, and power and faithfulness in accomplishing His decree.4

1 Isa. 46:10Eph. 1:11Heb. 6:17Rom. 9:15,18
2 James 1:131 John 1:5
3 Acts 4:27–28John 19:11
4 Num. 23:19Eph. 1:3–5

I have come to a better grasp of these truths through the sermons that I will link at the end. My pastor has spent a lot of time going through the London Baptist Confession of Faith 1689, laboring Chapter after Chapter, Paragraph after Paragraph. He has showed the congregation where these truths are found in the Bible. We are a confessional church, and so we believe what we believe because it’s in the Bible, and my pastor has been faithful in preaching God’s Word.

I’ve had to ask myself, “Do I really believe this? Do I really affirm this? I’ve seen it in the Scriptures, but will I submit to it – pain and all?”

You know, it’s easy to affirm God is sovereign when your life is pink, but is He sovereign when you wake up, and see your bed stained with blood? Will I affirm that He ordained my miscarriage would happen from before the foundation of the world, for His glory and for my good? I can tell you something straight: it doesn’t FEEL good!! The death of my child was NOT good! My dreams died. I will never be able to hold that baby, or hug him, or kiss him until the day I die. The only memory of him that I have is that last Easter I was pregnant, and I took a picture with Danny because I was so happy. I was wearing a blue skirt. For the next several months, I would go into my closet and cry every time I saw that skirt. I hated that stupid blue skirt. I hated death. I hated going to church because I would cry with every single hymn, and with every single sermon.

Why did I take that pregnancy test so early? If I had waited, I would have never known I was pregnant, and I would have thought the bleeding was only another very heavy period – like the ones I’ve had in the past. I know God is near to the broken-hearted, but I was in so much pain. I didn’t really feel Him near for some time, and when I would see a little bit of light, the emotions would come at me again, and kick me in the gut. Then it was horrible all over again for a while.

James White writes, “If He [God] is control (and He is), then the change in my life came from His hand. And I don’t like this change. I’m angry, and yes, I’m angry with God.”

This is the perfect break for a meme.

My husband has always being super chill about God’s will. As you read in what he told Danny, he really had the vasectomy to go back to his “natural” state. He never had it because he knew God would give us more children. He wanted to honor God in what he felt God’s conviction was about. I was not as chill, though. Even back then, the OBGYN had suggested I began taking some medicine to ovulate since I was really not that young anymore, but my husband refused. He didn’t want anything or anyone intervening whatsoever. He wanted God to receive all the glory. That made me angry. Anyways, I did not conceive until nine months later, and that, when it was the least likely of times. I was tired of trying, and I literally was done. But he wanted to try and we did. And God granted me conception that month – the month I didn’t want to try. The month I had given up trying.

Looking at my journal I can also see there has always been this fear of asking God to give me good things. The things that are big and unthinkable, things that are almost impossible… I am afraid of asking for those because I am afraid He will say NO. I know I don’t deserve them, so I assume He will deny them. And to be honest, I think God is changing that in me, too. When I began to understand the Doctrines of Grace, I was so terrified about my children’s salvation because I knew I had no control over it, neither did my children. I had seen these truths in the Bile, and I had come to terms with them, but I didn’t like them at all at the beginning. You know that cage-stage? It happened to me LOL!

But over time, I began to see that those doctrines are the sweetest to live by, because Christ really loved me to the uttermost. To be so radically depraved as to reject Him, and that He went through the death that He went through – in order to give me life? I am confident that He will glorify Himself either in the salvation of my children or He will exercise His justice were they to reject Him. I am at peace with that, because I have learned and seen these truths in the Scriptures. And so the confusion and misunderstandings of those doctrines are gone, because while I am NOT in control of their salvation (that is God’s sovereign choice) I know I I DO have a role to play: I can pray and I can share Christ with them.

My prayers for my children and my sharing of the gospel are the means by which the Lord will save them – if that is His will of decree. His revealed will for me in this particular case is that I pray and share the gospel. If I don’t pray for things to happen, then they won’t happen, and if God has ordained that they get saved because my pastor preached a sermon (among other things), then that sermon HAS to be preached, and on and on we go.

Think about when Paul was in the ship and everybody was going crazy, and he told them they had to stay in the boat. God would save them all, but they needed to stay. Had they jumped, they would have not been saved, but they stayed because that’s what God had ordained to happen, and so it happened. And they were all saved. I hope I’m not losing you.

I really hope you listen to those sermons from my pastor, specially when he talks about how God exercises His sovereignty in the works of Providence, and what he talks about secondary causes. I have come to see that my miscarriage was indeed a gift. Not the death of the baby, but yeah, the pain and the loss. God is not rejoicing over that, but He did ordained my sanctification. He is committed to make me like Christ, and I had always been afraid of that because I know that it has been granted to me not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake (Philippians 1:29). I know sanctification involves suffering. I didn’t want to suffer.

I have always asked, “What if this, what if that? What if Emerson dies? What if I never get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant, and then the baby dies?”

And so the whole pregnancy with Danny, I was so afraid of losing him, that I began memorizing Scripture like never before. Every morning I would go on a 2-mile walk, and I would cry my eyes out. Somehow the Lord had opened my eyes to the fact that the godliest people suffer, that sanctification usually happened through suffering. I was already struggling with fear even before I was pregnant. During the nine months that we were trying to have Danny, I had already memorized Habakkuk 3, the last verses when he praises the Lord even though there is no fruit on the vines, and the field produces no fruit.

I was trying to set my heart on God, not on a baby. So I know that Danny was not given to me because somehow I had this amazing faith… I am an over-thinker, I know, but thinking helps me figure things out. So I already shared with you that I was afraid of asking God for good things because I know I don’t deserve them, so I assumed He won’t give them to me. But doesn’t that mean or reveal that I have this underlying false assumption that the things he DOES give me, He gives them to me because somehow I DO deserve them? And honestly, this would not be an uncommon pattern of thinking for me because I was raised in a very works-based fashion. I had to earn approval and love. I have always struggled with my view of God as a Father who loves me and takes care fo me, regardless of what I do for Him. I have had to work very hard at believing HIM and trusting HIM when He says that He loves me for who I am in Christ.

So when I had Danny in my uterus, I was still asking the Lord to help me set my heart on Him – not on Danny. And the whole pregnancy, I was so afraid of losing Danny. Then Danny was born, and I was struggling with breastfeeding, and I thought he would starve to death. But these fears were unfounded; he was not starving, of course. It was just me being fearful.

Goodness, there was a time in my life when I lost like ten pounds just because I was so anxious about dying. Back then, my husband was not really being the spiritual leader in our home, and I was terrified that if I died, he would not teach the children the Bible. Do you have any idea of how many hours of my life have been wasted by crying and worrying over things I have no control over, and most of those things – basically all of them – have never come to pass? (Miscarrying has been the only one that did happen).

Jesus’ words always ring in my head when he says that adding a single hour to my life by worrying is a small thing… but I cannot even do a small thing like that, so why would I worry about the rest?

Luke 12:25-26

So the pattern that kept showing in my journal is that of fear and repentance. Fear and repentance. Fear and repentance. Through Danny’s pregnancy, the Lord did showed me how much He loved me. I knew that, of course, but the experience of His love was so sweet. I felt so blessed that He would give me a baby! A baby at 38 years old!

And I cried at the hospital because for one, I was full of hormones; two, I had a long and painful labor; and three, I realized how unfaithful I had been with Him. Why did I worry so much? Why didn’t I trust Him that He would care for me and for this child that He gave me? And my answer would be that I didn’t know Danny would be healthy, or that I couldn’t presume that things would turn out right. I am always anxious about something, and that hasn’t been the best way to live. It is awful.

Reading my journal and seeing the same sinful patterns before the pregnancy with Danny, during the pregnancy with Danny, the miscarriage and now the wait for another baby – even the potential scenario in which Danny is my last child – has helped me see that I am always trying to pry into God’s secret will. His will of decree. His revealed will is that I read my Bible, that I love my neighbor, that I pray, that I don’t lie, that I don’t lust, etc. But it is NONE of my business to try to figure out how my life will turn out. So when I can’t figure it out, when I can’t know whether it would go well with me or not – and I always presume it won’t go well – I always despair, and then I fear, and then I go full corrupt with unbelief.

I mean, is that crazy or what?

The cold truth is that I haven’t FULLY trust God. And I know that’s not a fair assessment of my faith, I have trusted Him at times – fully. I don’t think my faith has to be perfect, because no one’s faith is perfect. The object of my faith is Christ, and I have trusted in Him for the forgiveness of my sin. I know I am saved, but I cannot wait to get rid of this body of death, and being able to never sin again. I look forward to being with Christ more and more as the years go by. I’m not looking forward to dying and leaving my children as orphans in this world, but I hope you see what I mean.

God has been working in my heart, in His most holy and wisest of ways, to make me love Him more. My faith and my trust in Him has deepened through this trial, in ways I can only try to explain. It’s as if He is wooing me. He has been working in my heart to make me trust Him more. And that has been so sweet, and comforting, and tender. He doesn’t afflict me because He hates me, He afflicts me because He loves me. He does afflict, but He doesn’t afflict me from His heart – that is a big difference (Lamentation 3:33).

He wants me to be like His Son. He has promised me that He will make me like His Son (Romans 8:29). And the death of my child has been so sad, but at the same time it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, because I have seen how my God, my Savior, has taken care of my soul. He has made me identify with His Son in His sufferings. The Lord Jesus Christ asked for the cup of God’s wrath to be taken away, and The Father said NO – for my sake. For my sake. God brought many sons to glory through the death of Christ, and Christ endured His cross for the joy that was set before Him. He did that for me.

God has showed me and exposed in me so many faulty assumptions I had about His character. I knew things about Him in my theological head, but many of those things needed to click in my heart. I am not saying theology is not necessary. I can only imagine someone saying, “See, that’s why I don’t like theology and doctrine”. Yeah, well, you need good theology to properly worship God. The goal of theology is doxology.

I cannot wait for Easter Sunday. It is this Sunday. My child died on April 7th, so the anniversary is behind me. But I can’t wait to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ because He died for me, He loved me and He gave Himself for me. If my righteousness came through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. He is so compassionate and abounding in steadfast love, He is merciful and forgives my trespasses. It has been good for me to wait for the salvation of YWHW. He is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks Him. His mercies are new every morning, they truly never come to an end.

Okay, so, get this. The other day I was running, and I began sobbing. I was listening to when Jesus teaches that God is a good Father who will not give His children a snake when they ask for a fish. Grief does weird things to you. I began sobbing because I’ve been asking for a baby all this year, and nothing is happening. For all I know my womb is dead. And I told him through my tears that I needed to help me believe that he was at work in this, somehow. I know the miscarriage was his plan. But I have also felt like hearing about my fertility was another loss on top of the loss. I knew this was not a serpent, although it felt like one, but I believe the Scriptures, and He doesn’t give bad things to His children. I was so tired of asking, so tired of waiting, so tired of persevering. I just wanted to quit, you know? It would just be easier if He would tell me I’m not going to be a mother ever again. You know what the saddest thing is? That is something I have told him once before – when I was trying to get pregnant with Danny.

So I was sobbing, and I was going faster, and faster… I cried out, “The steadfast love of YHWH never ceases, your mercies never come to and end, right? Your mercies are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. Where? Where are the mercies, help me see them because I don’t see them!”

Ugh… then some days later I am walking with Danny, and it’s a beautiful morning and the sun is still shinning, and I am alive, and I get to talk to God. I get to approach the Creator of the universe because of what Christ did for me on the cross. God has kept me. He has tested my faith, but He has been so good to me in this trial. Goodness… every time I go for a run – literally – He upholds the beating of my heart by the word of His power. I am not that morbid, but I have thought sometimes, “What would ever happen if God said to my heart, ‘Stop beating’ while I’m running and pushing the stroller?”

How is the fact that I’m still breathing not an every-day mercy?

Vintage 13.1 – April 10, 2022

PART 3

This year I have felt the full weight of this Paragraph.

LBCF 1689 – Chapter V. Of Providence

Paragraph 5
The perfectly wise, righteous, and gracious God often allows his own children for a time to experience a variety of temptations and the sinfulness of their own hearts. He does this to chastise them for their former sins or to make them aware of the hidden strength of the corruption and deceitfulness of their hearts so that they may be humbled. He also does this to lead them to a closer and more constant dependence on him to sustain them, to make them more cautious about all future circumstances that may lead to sin, and for other just and holy purposes.15 So whatever happens to any of his elect happens by his appointment, for his glory, and for their good.16

152 Chronicles 32:2526312 Corinthians 12:7–9.
16Romans 8:28.

Let me tell you, my heart is DAAAAAAARK. My heart has lied to me, my heart has set me against my God, and against the people of God whom I love. My heart is deceitful and so full of sin. And my God is so, so good.

I think we are almost done… I don’t have many more things to say. I originally wanted to type basically every single thing that I have underlined in every book I have read, but I’ll skip it, this has been long enough already. So the book on grief talks about stages and how you will go through them, more of less, all of them in different patterns. And you need to work through those stages, not ignore them, otherwise you will only delay healing. You will fall into destructive patterns of behavior or coping mechanisms that will just not allow you to heal. I think I went through all of those just fine, they would come and go.

I think my healing was delayed as long as it was because I had no idea how to go through the grief. I mean, I had to buy a book, and the book doesn’t tell you exactly how to deal with those things. It tells you what will happen, and that those feelings are normal and to be expected, but it is not like there’s someone counseling you, you know?

I don’t know, I have my dearest friend who always heard me cry, having gone through several miscarriages herself. But after a while, I kind of felt bad, you know, like I had to move on, and not bother her anymore. But that’s the thing with grief – it’s different with everybody. Also, most of the time I felt unthankful for not being joyful about the children God had given me, instead of focusing so much on the one He had taken away. It was okay to be sad. My baby died.

So anyway, I reread the book on grief in order to write this blog, and it said, “Hope accepts the promises of God and trusts in Him. That is the means of your deliverance.”

When I read that, I was like, “I just got there last week. I have arrived at HOPE. A full year in, and by God’s grace, I’ve made it. I’m there. God did it.”

Now, how did God make this happen exactly? I will tell you what… It was a full year of sadness, and crying, and anger, and praying for things I didn’t even know if they were the right things to pray for, but I hope to give some insight. I need to put all these thoughts into writing, but before I do that, the book DID say you have to deal with all those feelings. And I know now that the feeling I was holding onto was my anger.

I was angry at God. I know not all people are the same, but if anybody tells you they are not angry at God in some way after the death of someone they deeply loved, they are most likely lying. I had misconceptions about God’s Sovereignty. Actually, I knew what it meant. I knew what I believed. I just hated the fact that His sovereignty had touched me. What a depraved little heart I have… to be so full of pride that I somehow felt it was not okay for this to happen to me. One never really thinks or even expects this would happen to them.

The book said that if you don’t deal with those emotions, you will fall into a pattern of behaviors that will only delay your healing – destructive coping mechanisms, in some cases. You will express those feelings somehow. Just recently, I realized that I was expressing my anger via memes. I delayed dealing with my anger because of all the misconception and faulty assumptions I had regarding God’s character. Also my heart lied to me, and my emotions lied to me.

Now, my memes… I have always liked memes, but I did get into a pattern of ugly memes. I was angry, and I was making memes to make people angry, and you know what? I loved it for a while. But the Lord began showing me this was not okay, and I stopped full turkey. I left the Facebook group I was a part of.

I thought it was not a big deal that I was making these memes, they were not in any way offensive or inappropriate, they would just make people upset at times. Then I heard my pastor preach a couple of weeks ago on the wrath of God, and I thought, “What have I been spending most of my time with? What worthy things for the Kingdom have I been doing all this year, other than moping about the miscarriage and my infertility? I mean, sure, I’ve been homeschooling my children and serving my church, but will the Lord be pleased with the other things I do?”

I kid you not, my Facebook meme group came to my mind in a second. I knew I had to leave it. And I tried to leave a couple of times, and I couldn’t get myself to click the Leave Group button. I loved that group too much. But then when I spent the whole afternoon not being able to click the Leave Group button, I realized I really needed to leave. It was actually hard. I breathed in and out, counted to three, and clicked the button. And that was that. Honestly, I think that was obedience to the Lord. And I am not saying my obedience was the key to my healing – God healed me – but I think obedience played a huge role in that. And we know that whatever I do, it is really the Lord bringing that about in me (Philippians 2:13).

After I left the group (no more than two weeks ago), I began listening to my pastor preach the sermons I’m linking to. I almost found those sermons by accident, but we know there are no accidents in God’s Providence.

My pastor’s words also healed my heart in a way. You don’t know my pastor, but he is the best pastor. He has seen me from the pulpit straight into the eyes when he knows I’m crying, and he keeps on preaching Christ. He knows what I’m going through, and he asks me how I am doing when he knows I am not doing okay. And yet he doesn’t shrink from declaring to me the whole counsel of God. He just preached last week an amazing sermon on how God is in charge of our pain, and it was so comforting to my soul because it is the first time I hear those words and I don’t recoil at them. I am not angry at them anymore. I embrace them. I was actually so happy during the service. I knew God wanted me to hear that. I will link to that sermon too, and I will end this blog with some of those words.

I had no meme group anymore, so hearing my pastor preach online helped me buy another book called Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. I read that book in almost three days. I was underlining everything, and things were just coming together, one after another. All those passages I’ve had been memorizing for years, Habakkuk 3, Lamentations 3, Romans 8. It’s like scales began falling from my eyes. I don’t know how else to describe it, but like, I went from disbelief to belief. It was like I saw God’s Word anew. It came alive and I believed it. It was not me, though, I know it was God’s grace that made that happen. It was as if the Lord had made me learn all those things before, and memorize all those passages before, and then He made me flesh them out in my soul for a full year.

This may sound obvious, but the book said that God’s sovereignty is exercised primarily for His glory, but because I am in Christ, His glory and my good are linked together. Because I am united with Christ, whatever is for His glory is also for my good. This is a promise that only believers in Christ have. I had, somehow, disconnected those truths from my heart. I thought Him to be harsh and distant. I was angry. The book also addressed so many questions and thoughts I had, thoughts I had kept hidden. It mentioned that the more we come to believe God’s sovereignty in our lives, the more we are tempted to doubt His love and question His goodness. Not only that, but that Satan will also plant the thought in our minds that God is up in heaven mocking us in our distress. That was refreshing to hear. You have no idea how refreshing. So far I’ve seen four women announcing their pregnancies in my church in the last six months. I love these women, and I am learning to rejoice with those who rejoice. I also, however, felt the sting in my heart as if God were parading these pregnant bellies in front of my face, like a rich man parades a piece of bread in front of a poor man who’s starving. And the poor man says, “May I have some of that bread, sir? I have come to believe you are truly the Only One who can give it to me.” But the rich man, scoffing at the poor man, says, “Of course, not.”

So to read that, to read those temptations are a reality, and very likely have been experienced by someone else like the author, made me rejoice in God. And I repented for allowing my pain to cause me to harbor hard thoughts about God.

I even wrote, “Thank you!” next to that paragraph in page 136. It was that refreshing to read.

The book also helped me to see that I could not let my emotions hold sway over my mind. I had to reason through the Scriptures even when my heart ached. It also challenged my thinking that I should not aim for the pain to be gone. My duty and first priority was to glorify God, and to honor Him by trusting Him in the midst of adversity. The book showed me that trusting God was not a matter of my feelings, but rather a matter of my will. God’s honor should take precedence over my feelings.

I think the sweetest part was that it encouraged me to pray. And when I say that, I mean that I will continue to pray, not for the Lord to take away the pain (it still hurts), but for the Lord to grant me the desires of my heart as I delight in Him. This year has been so crappy. I’ve read psalm after psalm, and the psalmists never allowed their whys to drag on – they always ended up rejoicing in God’s salvation. Like, everything is about God’s salvation, not about getting what they want or getting out of trouble. And I could not understand how they did that. All these verses and passages I read talk about God’s goodness for those who wait for Him, but all this year I did not know what I was waiting for. What had I been waiting for exactly?

Should I keep on praying and waiting for a baby? Should I pray for the Lord to take away the desire for a baby? Should I keep on waiting for deliverance? Deliverance from what? From the pain, from the “infertility”? I even asked my pastor, “What am I supposed to do? When do you call it quits because God is not answering?”

Once again, the book encouraged me to pray and to trust God’s sovereignty, without falling into this pious fatalism that I am prone to: I don’t know what will happen, therefore I despair, then I fear, then I go full-corrupt with unbelief. Habakkuk 3 ends in hope. Lamentations 3 ends in hope. Jeremiah remembered, he literally brings to mind that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, and that His mercies never come to an end, and he ends up saying that it is good to wait for the salvation of YHWH. They are trusting God to fulfill His promises to them; promises that are beyond this earth. Suffering makes you see beyond what is temporary, and helps you set your eyes on what is invisible and eternal.

I am not saying this has not been hard, but it has really been but a light momentary affliction that is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory that is beyond all comparison. This suffering will produce eternal glory for me. I believe it will because I have believed God, and He has promised that. It has weaned me from the world, it has purified my heart by breaking off from me the sins on account of which God afflicted me, it has disposed me to look for God to console me and support me in my trails. He has promised to reward me for this suffering as I live it in faith. As Isaiah 48:10 says, “Behold, I have refined you , but not as silver. I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

It is by affliction that he purifies them, and by trial that he takes their affections from the objects of time and sense, and gives them a relish for the enjoyments which result from the prospect of perfect and eternal glory.

Barnes’ notes on the bible – 2 corinthians 4:17

So I went on a run the other day with Danny and I I was listening to the book of Luke. I had read the night before everything I just said about prayer, and how I have noticed that I quit, that I get discouraged and I stop. I quit when I don’t see the Lord answer my prayer in what I think should be “my” timing. And what do you know? I heard the Parable of the Persistent Widow, and it starts like this,  “And he [Jesus] told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.”

I seriously had to listen to that sentence over and over again. It is my duty to always prays and not lose heart. This is His revealed will for me: that I always pray and not lose heart. I repented for not doing that. I don’t know what God is going to do with my obedience, but I need to obey. He gave me the desire to obey, and I will pray for me to delight in Him. That is my priority right now: to delight in Him.

How futile and even arrogant for us to seek to determine what God is doing in a particular event or circumstance. We simply cannot search out the reasons behind His decisions or trace out the ways by which He brings those decisions to pass. If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves, we must come to the place where we can honestly say, ‘God, I do not have to understand. I will just trust you.’

Trusting God by Jerry Bridges

I have repented of not delighting in God. I have been delighting in other things, but not in Him. Those other things were but broken cisterns that could not hold any water. After reading that book (it really was just a couple of days that I finished reading it), I went to bed, and the next day, I felt… free. God delivered me from my affliction. I DO want God to give me the desires of my heart, but I am not about to vulgarise that great promise.

Whatsoever we make necessary for our contentment, we make lord of our happiness. By our eager desires we give perishable things supreme power over us, and so intertwine our being with theirs, that the blow which destroys them lets out our life-blood. And, therefore, we are ever disturbed by apprehensions and shaken by fears. If a man has fixed his happiness on anything lower than the stars, less stable than the heavens, less sufficient than God, there does come, sooner or later, a time when it passes from him, or he from it. The more we have our affections set on God, the more shall we enjoy, because we subordinate, His gifts. The less, too, shall we dread their loss, the less be at the mercy of their fluctuations.

Maclaren’s expositions 37:4

I have seen the above quote being fleshed out in my life and heart this year. When I looked at Danny during pregnancy and even after that, I was so afraid of losing him. And now I delight in him, but it is different. I am actually delighting in the Giver of Danny. Of course, there is a sense in which I also delight in Danny, and he is so full of life, that I love seeing him every day. But I have learned not to fear losing Danny, and this has been God’s doing. That’s why I am not as afraid as I was before, if my husband were to die. Those thoughts and temptations come at times, but I have been fighting them better. This year God has shown me that my only true hope, and the only true anchor of my sou is Him.

My heart is so full of joy and happiness, like it hadn’t been in a very long time. I had felt so thirsty for Him; this year has been so hard. I know it is His grace, not anything I did. I am so happy I am not pregnant right now, because I know my joy is in Him – not in a baby. This year, I made motherhood an idol in my heart. I still hope He blesses me and grows my family, but He has taught me to say that He is my portion. I will hope in Him.

So I went on a run the other day – I’ve been running a lot – and I heard Psalm 116. I had never been so pumped while listening to a psalm LOL! I can tell the psalmist had issues going on, and I was l like, “Me, too, Brother. Me too.” I have experienced what he was talking about, and it’s not something that I would recommend, but suffering really helps you appreciate the inspired psalmists and their writings.

PSALM 116

1I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.

He heard me. He heard me cry for mercy all this year. I will call on Him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

This year I have felt sorrow that I had never felt before. My bones were in anguish and at times I did feel death, in a way, entangling me. There were so many nights that I would cry quietly in my bed.

The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

AMEN. He is full of compassion. He brought me low, and He has saved me.

For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
    “Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the Lord
    for all his goodness to me?

He has delivered me from death so I may walk before Him in the land of the living. What can I render to Him for His goodness to me? Nothing!

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.

I will lift up the cup of salvation and glory in His name. I will gladly receive His mercy to me.

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
    I serve you just as my mother did;
    you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
    and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
    in your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.

I don’t know what else to say. I have literally exhausted my brain LOL!

God is so good to me. That’s all I’ve been saying lately to my children for the past four days. He has told the rod of my affliction to stop, and it stopped. Oh, my pastor had no idea how happy I was when he was preaching this last week.

When we believe God’s revelation, it will cause us to lean on Him, instead of leaning on what seems visibly powerful. In Isaiah’s day, it was Assyria. Don’t put your hope today in wealth, when you know the One who gives wealth… Friends, the Sovereign Lord says to the rod, ‘That’s enough, this is where you stop.’ And let me tell you something, friend, just like He limited Assyria, the Sovereign Lord says that to the rod in your life, ‘This far is what I intend, and no more.’

Even in His chastening, God shows mercy. He is so good. I am just overwhelmed by His wisdom, His fatherly care, even when He wields the rod. He doesn’t wish any more suffering in His people that is necessary for their sanctification, and whatever His tool, whatever His instrument, whatever that messenger of Satan sent to harass you, and drive you to humble dependance upon the Lord, your loving heavenly Father is just waiting to say, ‘Enough. Your work is done. My servant is purified. He’s cleansed, he’s learned, he’s grown. He’s cast his hope on Me, and not on the powers that be.’

Friend, trust His wisdom. Trust His heart. Trust His Sovereignty. Kiss the rod. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.

North Houston Baptist Church.
Pastor John Bray.
Sermon on April 10, 2022

I wanted to go straight after the sermon and give him a hug, and tell him, “He stopped. You know how I was waiting for something to happen? Well, I’m not pregnant, but the Lord heard my cry, and He delivered me! I believe His plan is good for me, I know He will fulfill His promises to me. I know He loves me. I know He is near me!”.

But I was also so close to the beginning of the line for lunch, that I chose lunch LOL!

The book on grieving said this, “God is doing something in our lives, trials and difficulties are the fire that He uses to bring our impurities to the surface. But what does the goldsmith do after removing the first impurities that appear? Does he stop? No, he makes the fire even hotter, bringing up the next level of impurities. The process continues on, each time requiring more and more heat.”

I read that as I was preparing this blog, and I was like, “Oh, no, who’s gonna die next?” And then, I laughed, not because I rejoice in death or find it funny, but because that is the kind of thought that entangles my mind. I know He wants me to be more like Christ, so my trials will only get more and more difficult. I know this, then I despair, then I fear, and I go full-corrupt to unbelief. But this time, I was able to laugh, and rejoice in my Savior. And I don’t look at suffering in the face and say, “Bring it on.” That would be stupid and arrogant and proud. But I trust my Shepherd. He will guide me through whatever valley He choses to lead me to. He is good. I am not going to pry into His secret will – that is HIS. My duty is to trust Him, and obey Him as He leads me.

I’m done. It took me almost three days of full-time writing. I literally abandoned my baby to the mercy of YouTube nursery rhymes for one full day, maybe two. But my heart is so full.

There is a happy ending. My dear friend who has struggled with infertility just had her third baby this Thanksgiving. My baby would have been born around the same time. We had dinner with them a day after the anniversary of my baby’s passing. I told her I was going to try to hold it together, but that I had no idea how I would respond. I had no idea what emotions I would feel when I hold this baby in my arms, so I asked for grace in case I cried. She was sweet and told me I didn’t have to keep it together for her.

So we went. I saw the baby. He is so chubby and cute. I had to make a conscious effort to ask for him, but when I held him in my arms there was no sadness at all in my heart. No bitterness. No anger. No despair. No envy. No covetousness. No emptiness. No anxiety. I DID NOT SIN. When I carried him, I was overwhelmed with joy. I didn’t cry, and I didn’t even had to hold back the tears because there were none. I was happy.

That evening I saw my three children playing together with her three children. The house was full. I realized that God, in His goodness, has set my heart straight. I don’t idolize a pregnancy anymore, and that is yet another mercy. God set me free, which has enabled me to pray for His will to be done. I still have the desire to have more children, but the Lord has purified my motives. I rejoice in children because they bear the image of God, they are cute, and I want to train them in the ways of the Lord. So yes, I want to have more babies, and I hope one of these days He says YES!!

But even if I never get to call a baby my own anymore, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength. He makes my feet like the deer’s. He makes me tread on my high places.

BOOKS

  1. Learning Contentment by Nancy Wilson.
  2. Grieving by James White.
  3. Be Still, My Soul, edited by Nancy Guthrie.
  4. Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie.
  5. Hearing Jesus speak into your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie. Personally I didn’t even finish this one, cause I cringed at how she would talk, almost pretending to talk like Jesus. It reminded me of the heresy of Jesus Calling. However, I have seen Nancy being recommended by Costi Hinn. I am not saying she’s doctrinally in error. I just didn’t feel comfortable with the book – that’s all.
  6. Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges.
  7. Deserted by God? by Sinclair B. Ferguson.
  8. Mysterious Ways by David Kingdon. This is a book on Providence in the life of Joseph. I haven’t read it. I got it at a conference. I think it will most likely make more sense now, maybe not so much if I had read it when I was full into the saddest moments.
  9. Jeremiah and Lamentations by Philip Graham Ryken. This is a commentary. I haven’t finished it, but the section on Lamentations has been very helpful to me.
  10. Providence by John Piper. I have not read it. I just found out about this book last week, and it’s seven hundred pages. I am intending to buy it, though. I am linking a video with john Piper explaining all that the book contains.

YOUTUBE

  1. Doctrine of the Providence of God by John Piper. He starts with the story of Ruth and how the Lord gave her conception so he obviously had my attention. This is part 1. There are ten parts in this series. If you click in the link, YouTube will show you all the remaining parts.
  2. Book on Providence by John Piper.
  3. The Glory of God in the Sight of Eternity by John Piper
  4. My pastor’s sermon on God saying STOP to the rod.

SERMONS ON LBCF1689

  1. Intro, Scriptures, Trinity
  2. God’s decree
  3. Creation, Providence, Fall
  4. God’s Covenant
  5. Christ, the Mediator. Cried like a baby in awe of my Savior.
  6. Free Will
  7. Effectual Calling
  8. Faith, Repentance
  9. Works, Perseverance, Assurance

Florida-G3 2021

We have been very busy! God has been incredibly kind and merciful to us in so many ways. The children and I have been memorizing Psalm 103, and it has helped me to hold on to God’s promises in the midst of some things my heart is aching for.

Libby is quite the typer. She actually typed everything you are about to read. I literally had no time to type, so it was good to delegate. I hope that with time, her writing becomes more and more insightful, but this was amazing as a record of our activities! I literally just had to add some comas here and there, and delete others. But wow, I’m glad she has been taking her typing lessons online becasue she was fast! LOL!

OUR VACATION

Last week we went to the beach in Panama City, Florida. We stopped  at a restaurant for breakfast and for lunch. I don’t remember if we ate dinner at the hotel or at another restaurant. We got to our hotel around 6:00 pm. and started unpacking. 

Our room had two TV’s, one bed, one bunkbed, one bathroom, and one closet. After unpacking, we went down to the beach and watched the sunset. It was beautiful. We took a few photos too. Then we went back to our hotel and slept.

In the morning, we ate breakfast at the hotel and went to the beach at around 10:00 am. All of us were ready with our swimsuits, including Danny. He loved the water!  At first he just sat there, letting the water gently brush his toes. Then he actually crawled into the ocean.  We had to go get him because he had started crawling farther than was safe for him. He really wants to start walking. If you grab him by the wrists, he instantly stands up and starts walking away. And he goes so fast that he always stands on his tippy-toes. Mommy walked with him from the sand all the way to the ocean until the water was at Danny’s chest. Danny loved it. He kept picking up sand and seeing it fall though his fingers. Somehow he knew not to eat it. 

There were a lot of fishes. I had goggles to go underwater. I tried catching some with my hands. They are seriously more afraid of the waves than of you. They try to touch your feet, and there were tons of them. If you tried to catch them, they would swim away a few feet and then come back five seconds later. I tried kicking up sand while I was underwater, but they just swam through it, even more curious. When they were going through it, I tried to catch them because they probably couldn’t see that well. I touched half a fish, but it got away. 

After the beach, we went to our hotel pool. Most pools usually feel cold at the beginning but then it feels better. This pool was cold even after you got in. There was a hot tub next to the pool. When I got in, it felt burning, but you got used to it. Daddy got in too. Enzo touched the water and instantly jumped back in the pool. Daddy’s watch showed that the hot tub was 100F. In the pool, there was a lazy river that went from right to left in a loop. The current was really strong. Even with my mermaid tail, I could not swim against the current. I just stayed in one place and got more and more tired. Danny was tired from the beach, so he fell asleep on daddy’s chest.

After the pool we had some pizza. Danny had one whole slice of pizza to himself. We went back to our room and all took showers. Enzo and I watched some TV, and soon after that we had some dinner at a restaurant really close to our hotel. Then Daddy took us to play mini golf. It was very fun. He was first place, Mommy was second, Enzo was third, and, of course, I was last. Then we went to our room and went to bed. 

The next morning Mommy and Daddy went to exercise and we went with them. After they were done, we went back to the hotel and had breakfast, then went to the beach and pool again. Then we went back to our room, took showers again, ate dinner, then went to sleep. In the morning, Mommy and Daddy went to exercise again, but this time, they left us at the hotel, and we watched TV until they came back. After they returned, we ate breakfast, and first we went to the pool. Danny floated a little in his float, but he was shivering, so he had to get out. Mommy and I decided to go to the beach. There were a lot of jellyfish in the water, so we did not swim. There were also twenty dead jellyfish on the shore! After the beach, we did not take showers but we started packing. 

After we finished packing, we went to a surprise Daddy had planned for us. When we got there, we found out it was an amusement park! It was small, which was good because, if we wanted to, we could ride everything. We rode on bumper cars, bumper boats, and we went to a fun house. We also rode on a rollercoaster. It was small, but it was a real rollercoaster. Real turns and loops. The feeling in my stomach was awful. 

Then there was something that looked like a ginormous carousel, but it was a little bit tilted and there were cars. And they were all connected to the top and they spun super fast. The cars didn’t touch the ground, the machine just pulled them. Enzo and I went on it, and it felt almost the same as the rollercoaster. It went so fast! It lasted a few minutes with the cars going forward. Then it slowed down and finally stopped. Then, just as I thought someone was going to get us off, it started going again. This time, backwards. I think going backwards was a little better, but not much. 

Then we went on something like a tilted ferris wheel, But it went faster. There were no seatbelts, so you had to hold on really tight. When you went up, your seat turned. It can turn all the way around and keep going, so when we went up, we flipped over. It was scary, but soon it was over. There was also a black-light mini golf. It was very fun. 

We went back to our hotel two or three hours later. We all went to sleep, ate breakfast the next morning, and we left to our new hotel. We got there in the evening, and unpacked quickly. We ate dinner, and went to sleep again. In the morning, we ate breakfast at our new hotel. It was really good. Then we went to G3 from 9:00 – 5:30. Then we did that again the next day. 

There was a huge aquarium right next to our hotel, and Daddy bought us tickets!  First we saw the sharks. There was a tiger shark. Then there were the hammerhead sharks. After the sharks, we saw big stingrays, fish, sea turtles, and two huge whale sharks! Then we saw a show with dolphins and after that, a show with sea lions. 

We also saw otters, penguins, puffins, sea dragons (which look like sea horses, but they actually have wings), crocodiles, jellyfish, a 4-D show about an octopus, and beluga whales. There were three beluga whales in one tank and two seals in the same tank. I don’t know what the seals were doing in the same tank as the beluga whales, because most animals had separate tanks.

There was also a petting zoo where we could pet stingrays. Their barbs had been taken off so that they could not sting us. They were very calm. They felt so soft and squishy! I think that was everything. The aquarium was awesome. 

Then we packed our things again on Saturday and drove home. We arrived late in the night. We went to church on Sunday and unpacked when we came home. 

I loved our vacation. We had so much fun and went so many places. 

God’s Discipline in Motherhood

I have been learning about trials, and how they relate to the Lord’s discipline. I know God is using trials in my life as of late. The following text comes from the book of Hebrews 12:3-12.

3 Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted

4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 

5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by Him.

6 For the Lord disciplines the one He loves,
    and chastises every son whom He receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 

8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 

9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 

10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 

11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, 

13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed

Easter Sunday 2021

I hope that by the end of this post, you might see how God uses His hand of discipline in motherhood. Of course, as in all my writing, I am talking to myself here. I need to process my thoughts.

Personally, I always thought of this section in the book of Hebrews as talking about the trials and persecutions that come from living the Christian life, and that is certainly the context in this epistle. These believers are facing intense persecution, and some are not even willing to gather with the church anymore (Hebrews 10:25).

I guess I had always associated the word discipline as something negative, as something that yes, you have to endure, as verse 7 says.

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

The Lord loves you, and He is your Father, therefore He will discipline you – like a spiritual spanking of sorts – to grow you in holiness. That is also what verse 10 says.

10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 

God does this because we ARE legitimate children, and He is treating us as sons. So in my head, I think I thought, “You may not like the discipline,  but it is good for you, so… you are gonna have to suck it up, Buttercup.”

But I was wrong in considering discipline as only trials and persecutions, and bad providences. Particularly bad providences. I saw those as the Lord getting even with me. You know, I KNOW God’s wrath has been spent on Christ on my behalf, but I mean, what if the Lord considered it wise to bring some suffering my way in order to make me holy? Or what if I actually sinned in such way that the Lord chastised me with bad providences in order to get my attention? That is not at all unbiblical. It happened in the life of David as a result of his adultery with Bathsheba. Their first baby died as a direct consequence of their sin.

Maybe I did do something wrong or thought some things about the Lord that I shouldn’t have, and therefore I am experiencing what I am experiencing as a result. Honestly, though, if the Lord got even with me for every moment I don’t worship Him or think highly enough of Him as He truly deservers, I would be dead. Like DEAD.

The trials in my life lately have taught me to trust the Lord completely. I have put down the guard that unconsciously had developed in my heart. I know God does not afflict me from His heart (Lamentations 3: 33). He does bring suffering directly and indirectly – I can see that clearly in the Scriptures – but it is never as revenge or to get even. He brings suffering into my life because He loves me. He cares for me. And to the world of unbelievers, that makes no sense at ALL.

And I also think some believers recoil at the idea of a God who from all eternity decreed everything that occurs, without reference to anything outside himself; that He did this by the perfectly wise and holy counsel of his own will, freely and unchangeably, and yet God did this in such a way that He is neither the author of sin nor has fellowship with any in their sin – THAT GOD is almost a monster in their minds. But I cannot see it any other way. It would be terrifying to have it any other way. I know that God declares the end from the beginning, and that He accomplishes His purpose – even in my pain (Isaiah 46:10).  

Job knew this. He knew the LORD gave, and the LORD took it away. He still blessed the LORD (Job 1:21). Job knew he was receiving evil – really bad life circumstances – from the LORD (Job 2:10, 42:11). I could say the same about Joseph, all his sufferings had a purpose. Some of the sweetest and most humble and gracious people that I know – that I aspire to be like – have suffered a great deal. Ever since I was pregnant with Danny, it’s like I was on alert. I was thinking, “When will it be my turn to experience some suffering?” I have never suffered for my faith, and God has been so good to me, that you know, I was like, “What are you going to do next, Lord? Are you going to take this baby away? Are you going to take my husband away? Are you going to allow cancer to invade my body? What are you going to do? I need suffering, and it’s like I know it might come sooner or later…”

Elizabeth Elliot is so gracious, I think, in her definition of suffering. She defines it as having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have. I call it gracious because in my opinion it allows for a lot of first world problems. She experienced my worst fear times three – she lost three husbands. So when I read her book, Suffering Is Never For Nothing, I think I have never really suffered. But Elizabeth herself says she had not suffered like others had. She once knew a mother whose four year-old had spina bifida, and some tests revealed that the child that she was pregnant with would also have spina bifida. Nancy Guthrie lost her six month-old daughter due to a metabolic disorder. Her husband got a vasectomy, but the procedure reversed itself, and their second son also died when he was six months old due to the same metabolic disorder.

I can’t imagine having to bury two children one after another. I can’t imagine burying my husband. But I also suffer. My suffering might look different than theirs, but it is the suffering that God ordained for my life. And I am not confused. God is good. It just hurts, and it is okay that it hurts. There are situations in my life that I would have never chosen to go through, but it is precisely those that God is using for my ultimate blessing.

Regardless of the many reasons for my suffering, I think this has helped me realize that God is close to the broken-hearted. Just as God ordained the death of Lazarus for the glory of God (John 11:4), Jesus also was deeply moved and greatly troubled. He suffered with them (John 11:33). God can bring suffering directly and suffer with you. It is not either/or, it is both/and.

In my sadness I have discovered a new face of God that I had never seen, and it is a sweet face. I have not blamed Him or get angry with Him, if anything I am angry at sin, and death. Death should not be part of this world, but somehow it is. Sin has destroyed everything, and I find myself longing for heaven in ways that I had never done before.

It isn’t explanations that we need. It’s a person. We need Jesus Chrsit, our refuge, our fortress, the stronghold of my life. It takes desolation to teach us our need of Him.

Elisabeth Elliot

I think that was a long background for what I was trying to say: suffering is not necessarily always a direct result of wrong-doing. And I think I always associated the word discipline with bad consequences. But my pastor taught me the other day that discipline, really, involves the whole act of training up a child in the ways of the Lord.

Discipline involves the rearing of a child, the training up, the instruction, the rebuke, and yes, the chastisement. In a word, discipline is the proper instruction that trains someone to reach full development – full maturity. It involves much of what we think for the purpose of education. 

That’s what we do with our little ones, right? We spank them, but not only that. We correct them, we encourage them, we love them, we educate them in the Lord-  because we want them to be spiritually mature. So with this in mind, I want to encourage you today, and again, I’m talking to myself here… Where is God putting His finger in your life today?

You may not have children yet, or maybe you are en empty-nester. You may have never had children, but if you are God’s child, He is disciplining you. He is always training you. 

Behind every tear we have shed for our little ones when we see them in pain,

Or behind every prayer that we have prayed so that the Lord will bring them to Himself,

Or behind the sleepless nights when they are sick at the hospital,

Or behind the infertility or the many miscarriages,

Behind the exhaustion of potty training, or changing the diaper for the 20th time a day, 

Or behind our children’s disrespect, or their sinful choices as adults…

Behind all that, God is training us to achieve full maturity as His children. He is training us through our present circumstances -whatever they might be – to fully become what He wants us to be. And what is that exactly? What does God want to achieve in us? 

Ephesians 1:4 says He chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before him. That’s exactly what Hebrews 12:10 says, He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 

Romans 8: 28-29 says He works all things for the good of those who – what? Those who love Him – for those who have been called according to His purpose. And those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to – what? To the image of His Son. He is making us more and more like Christ. Becoming like Christ involves going through the Lord’s discipline.

Now, I don’t know all the details of your life, there are great joys in motherhood. Nursing, your baby giggling for the first time, your child walking, or your children actually playing with one another. Sometimes we take those for granted, don’t we? I know I do. So enjoy those great moments. Cherish them and praise the Lord every morning for them. Thank Him. Make a habit or remembering the goodness and mercy of God. 

Where is God putting His finger in your life today?

Elisabeth Elliot

But temptations to be forgetful will come specially when things are not going that well. So like I said at the very beginning of Hebrews 12:3, Consider Him, who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.

Whatever season it is that you are in, do not take His discipline lightly, or despise it, as Hebrews 12:5 says. You see, the writer of Hebrews is quoting from Proverbs 3:11-12. I think the danger with discipline is that when we are going through it, we might either take it lightly (we might despise it/hate it), or we actually may become so discouraged that we will feel that we cannot go on. We might become weary. 

And I also think that’s why the author of Hebrews gives us in Hebrews 12:6 (that accords to Proverbs 3:12) the reason to persevere. The reason we are able to endure is not because we Suck it, up buttercup. The reason is that the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives. If you are in Christ, God loves you with an everlasting, electing love that He only gives to His children, and that’s why He is training you, because He wants you to become like His Son. So we endure it with joy.

Hebrews 12:2 says we endure in the race by looking at Jesus. We set aside the sin that entangles us, and we focus on Him. He endured because of the joy that was set before Him, He despised the shame of the cross. I think looking inward or looking at others will disappoint us dearly, so we ought to consider ONLY Him. He is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).

There are many more things that I wish I could say, but for now I guess I’ll just finish by saying this:

My God is always good. He makes no mistakes, and everything that has happened and will happen in my life happens because He considered it necessary for my training as His child. He loves me, and His discipline is one of fatherly love. I know that now. That actually makes me happy and able to find joy in the midst of the trials of this life. I don’t know the reasons of why things happen, and I don’t really think I need to know or that I could handle it. But I know the One who holds the universe by the word of His power, and I trust Him completely.

Trial, to speak plainly, is the instrument by which our Father in heaven makes Christians more holy. By trial He calls out their passive graces and proves whether they can suffer His will as well as do it. By trial He weans them from the world, draws them to Christ, drives them to the Bible and prayer, shows them their own hearts, and makes them humble. This is the process by which He “prunes” them and makes them more fruitful. The lives of the saints in every age are the best and truest comment on the text. Never, hardly, do we find and eminent saint, either in the Old Testament or the New, who was not purified by suffering and, like His Master, a “man of sorrows.”

Learn us learn to be patient in the days of darkness, if we know anything of vital union with Christ. Let us remember the doctrine of the passage before us [John 15:1-6] and not murmur and complain because of trials. Our trials are not meant to do us harm, but good. God chastens us “for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness” (Hebrews 12:10). Fruit is the thing that our Master desires to see in us, and He will not spare the pruning knife if He sees we need it. In the last day we shall see that all was well done.

J.C.Ryle, Expository Thoughts on The Gospel of John, p.268

Astronomy and Colossians

I turned 38 years old last week. It was a sweet celebration. I had my favorite for dinner: steak, sweet potatoes, and asparagus. There was also a humongous chocolate cake that I made myself, although the recipe is not mine. A sweet friend from church shared it with me since I basically ate an entire 9 in. x 13 in. cake pan when they brought us dinner after Dany was born 😬

So I finally finished reading my commentary on the book of Ephesians, and I began reading the book of Colossians. I have always wanted to study Colossians deeper as I’ve heard it talks about the supremacy of Christ. My commentary is on the way, but this morning I read this from Colossians 1:9-14,

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. 13 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

As I shared in my last post, I have been reading You Who, by Rachel Jankovic. I cannot say I did not know what she has been talking about throughout the whole book. I did know. I am terrible at remembering my Savior, though. I sin when I forget whom do I belong to. I was thinking about this two days after my birthday:

“Will there be a day in which I won’t feel the temptation of wanting to be enough APART from Christ?”

I know I am nothing without Him. I know my identity is in Him. I know every breath is a mercy coming from Him. I know – in my head. And then I forget. I don’t forget to the point of going backwards five years in my life, say, like when I began Christian counseling; there are days, however, where the feelings don’t match what I read in the Scriptures. And that’s where the fight is, right? At least for me. It really takes the work of the Holy Spirit to bring life into my heart to help me see Christ every day in the text. It takes the Holy Spirit to make me die to self every single morning as I start my day.

The chapter Turn to Christ is by far my favorite because she talks about the sun and the moon. It rocked my world!

Rachel starts,

Being oriented to Christ and to the glory of God is in fact the answer to almost every human trouble. The fact that it is almost always the correct answer is NOT the same thing as being the answer we always want to hear. The phrase “Turn to Christ” is a well-trod path in Christian encouragement. You have probably heard it before, and here I am saying it all over again. If you are struggling in your life, this kind of advice might make you feel like you are being dismissed.

Do you feel lonely? Turn to Christ.

Do you feel like you are laboring under burdens that are destroying you? Turn to Christ.

Do you feel the deep need to know and be known? Turn to Christ.

Do you wonder where the time is going and why anything matters? Turn to Christ

Ain’t this the truth? Turning to Christ is the obvious answer, but she is right, sometimes I don’t want to hear that. Maybe in all my ramblings, I hope, you can see that I am a selfish individual in desperate need of God’s saving grace. It has never been my intention to present myself as anything else. This chapter was awesome to read. It exposed my sin clearly. I was like, “WOW… somebody finally put into words what I feel when everything in me wants to yell like Pam.”

Mostly, this is how the inside of me feels when I struggle. And I almost never have time to sit down right then, and think why I feel the way I feel, and deal with it quickly. If I let it go for a long time, it just starts piling up, piling up, piling up, and then BOOM!

I learned to do that in counseling. It wasn’t like the counselor would teach me how to think, she would just basically ask me questions, and I would ramble for an hour and cry. It takes time and prayer to deal with my feelings. By prayer, I don’t mean hearing the voice of God telling me what’s wrong. I mean I actually ask God to help me deal with my feelings as I read His Word. It has been His Word and seeing Him there, seeing Christ there, what has healed my once-broken heart. But it does take time for me to process why I feel the way I feel at times. There is always sin involved.

Like the other day, my husband and I argued for a whole day. I was so upset. It was so stupid in the end. He was so kind in listening to me trying to put two sentences together without me getting angry or overwhelmed. Then the children would come and interrupt, or it was time to cook, or the baby would cry… It all ended up being that I wanted romance in our marriage. And when he said it, it took him two seconds. He said, “Karla, I know what you want. You want romance.”

I was like, “Why didn’t you say that five hours ago!? It would have taken us five minutes to deal with this issue, and not the whole day.” But he was so sweet and said he wanted to hear me, to hear how I felt, and telling me what he already knew was not gonna help. He is really patient with me.

🙂

Rachel continues,

I know that for many of you this admonition would make you think something like this: “Yes, yes, I see Christ. But what about this mess here? I’m talking about this mess in my life, I am not talking about Him! I know He is perfect, I just can’t figure out how that is supposed to help me right now! I want to be known because I want a husband, not because I don’t know about Christ. I want to be free of the guilt and shame of my weight problem because I want to be attractive, and I don’t see how looking to Christ will magically make me more appealing! I want someone to tell me that I matter to them and that I am important, not read the words of Christ because He says those things to everyone. I want something more than that. Stop telling me to look to Christ because I already know about Him and I’m still here having this problem!”

Talk about some honesty here! I had not seen that level of honesty in a book – ever. I have felt like that. That’s the kind of thing that got me into counseling. I was manipulating my children, my husband, and all my relationships were very codependent (which is secular jargon for idolatrous). I wanted worship – that was it. Of course, I would have never said that, I don’t even think I knew what was happening to me at that moment. All I knew was that I was in a lot of pain.

The deeper I dived into my Bible, the deeper the conviction grew. It was almost as if God were performing heart surgery. The pain grew deeper in a way. I wanted my husband to love me, and give me all his attention. I wanted all his time. I wanted to feel – to be – beautiful, but then I didn’t. I would go around in circles, worrying about things, grumbling, not being happy. My family never talked about anything – everything was stuffed down. Am I making sense? If I ever felt angry or sad or whatever, I never learned to put a name to those emotions and deal with them accordingly, let alone doing so from a biblical perspective.

Like say, anger. Anger happens, but anger can be sinful. So there’s a way to express your anger, deal with your anger and actually, repent from your anger. The same with sadness. The more and the longer I read my Bible, I saw Him. I saw Christ as beautiful. Everything that I ever wanted, He was giving it to me, and I was rejecting Him because I wanted those things from Emerson, not from Christ. Like, Christ was good and all, but I wanted to feel loved, deeply loved by my husband. Appreciated. Seen. Heard. Valued. And those things are not wrong, but there’s a fine line in which those desires can turn into idolatry. I crossed that line and Emerson, my children and other people were sitting on the throne of my heart – not Christ.

It was sinful to demand this from my husband. It was evil of me to manipulate the relationship in order to get those things, you know, like when you play victim? Plus It was actually unfair. I was putting on my husband the burden of carrying my heart, my troubles, my pain, when the man was not even able. Emerson is a great man, but He is not Jesus. Emerson is not supposed to satisfy my every single need or fulfill me – God is.

Anyway, this is not a counseling session, and of course, I don’t expect you to relate to me. I am just here thinking no one gets to write a book and nail those feelings perfectly just randomly. This woman, Rachel, has to have experienced those herself. And I am thankful she is better at writing them down, and doesn’t ramble like me LOL! I am thankful she point us to Christ. This book has definitely done that for me. So…

This is when she talks about the moon,

This reveals something that is wrong in our thinking. Jesus Christ is not a glorious mountain that makes up part of the scenery of our life. Looking at Him in the distance as though He was an immobile and indifferent thing is part of the problem. We think we are looking to Christ when what we are doing is simply being aware of His existence.

Imagine that the moon was having a hard time. Imagine it crying to itself, saying, “I don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t feel useful. I don’t feel beautiful. I just sit here in the darkness all the time with no purpose, no goals, no identity. I feel useless, adrift. No one cares about me or wants me to be anything special.”

What if someone could say to the moon, “Look to the sun! Just do what you were made for! Reflect the glory! Look to the sun while you go on your journey and your face will be bright! You are beautiful when you are oriented to the sun. You are purposeful when you are oriented to the sun. You are needed when you are oriented to the sun. You were made to be oriented to the sun!”

Now imagine the moon saying something like, “Oh, that? That seems sort of unrelated. Why would that help me? What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I know it is there, but it has always been there. It doesn’t have anything to do with the way I am feeling right now. It just seems like pointless platitudes. It doesn’t really feel like you are listening to me.”

On a fundamental level, we were created in order to do this. This is our purpose. This is our calling. Whenever we are feeling lost and adrift and without purpose or goals or people who want us, we are in the middle of not doing our most fundamental job of looking to Christ. We don’t look to Him like we are looking at a poster of a faraway place. We do not look to Him like He is a piece of information in a textbook. We do not look at Him like we look at an old family snapshot, remembering a good time. We look to Him as we were created to look at Him—in an interactive, glorifying relationship. We reflect His glory. This metaphor of the moon and the sun is a biblically accurate metaphor for our relationship to Christ.

After reading that, I literally thought, “I’m an idiot.” 🤦‍♀️

I knew this. I knew this. And yet this was so clear. I seriously praised the Lord for His mercy in letting me see it yet again. All my issues always come when I start trying to reflect my own light. Can people reflect light? Of course they can. But when they try to reflect their own light, they end up being burned down. It is pretty exhausting.

Am I pretty enough?

Am I good enough?

Am I smart enough?

Am I thin enough?

Like, good enough for WHAT?!

I was talking to my son the other day. He was boasting about being better than his sister at playing this typing game they play. He didn’t come to me to share how much he liked the game, his intent was to tell me he was much better than her. I hate that. I don’t encourage that. I said, “Wait a minute. Can you actually type like she does? Because she is pretty good at it. I mean, she basically typed a whole chapter of my book faster than I could. Can you actually type?”

Of course he said no. I knew this. That was my way to poke at his heart.

So then we talked about his bragging, and how sinful the attitude in his heart was. He was boasting at being better at a game than his sister. I explained to him that I enjoy him playing that typing game, but that really, the whole point of those games is to improve his typing. If his typing is not really improving, then I don’t care how good he is at playing it. He has to actually finish his typing lessons, just like his sister did. I told him it was not my intention to hurt his feelings, but he needed to know that he was being proud, and being proud was an abomination to the Lord. We also looked at some Scriptures that literally said that. I was already feeling I was preaching to myself. God does that often when you are a parent.

Poor guy, he probably was just sharing with me, or maybe he wasn’t; it is those moments that I often use to disciple them. We talked about comparing oneself to others and how that is a terrible and dangerous game to play. If he is better than his sister at something, then he would be feeling better about himself, right? But when his sister is better than him at other things, then he gets depressed. I know my son. He is a mini me – physically and emotionally.

He actually said the other day that he felt like a lousy worm in the dirt (or something like that) when he does Math. Lots of drama, you see. This boy of mine needs to be confronted with the attitudes in his heart often.

And I do exactly the same thing!! Because deep down, hear me out… if I were actually better than other people, and I could be sure I am, or if at least I were satisfied where I am without comparing myself to others, then I would be content. We would be content in general. We would say that we are good at this or good at that. Nothing wrong with that, I talked about this in my last post. It is not sinful to recognize what God has done through you as long as you don’t glorify an earthly vessel.

Of course, I would never say I am much better than someone else at something. I know better, I know that sometimes that doesn’t look good on the outside, especially if I say it in order to feel better about myself. If I were actually better than others, and I knew it, I would be happy. We are always happy when we play the comparison game, and we end up being the better ones. Are we not?

But here’s the thing. Sometimes we don’t know if we are better, or we are not sure, and so, what do we do? We start asking questions, but we don’t ask direct questions like, “Am I more beautiful than my friend Sally?” or “Am I smart enough to finish a Science degree?” or “Am I fit enough to carry another pregnancy?” or “Am I a better mom than my neighbor?”

Danny is 16 weeks old 🙂

And what is the purpose of these questions anyway? Again, this is my way of processing things. Take no offense at this. I hope it does expose your idols if you have them.

My purpose when I begin the loophole of comparing myself to others and wondering whether I am good enough, or better than, is always that I, somehow, feel empty. Like Rachel said, “Whenever we are feeling lost and adrift and without purpose or goals or people who want us, we are in the middle of not doing our most fundamental job of looking to Christ.”

I look at other people to validate me. I look at other things to make me happy. I want to shine. I want to feel loved and appreciated and heard. And all those things are valid, but I will never shine the way I am supposed to shine as long as I keep trying to shine for my own sake, or for the sake of those things. I only shine my best when I shine for the sake of my Maker. When I am on the losing end in the comparison game, and I’m often there, life gets really blue. When I look at my husband and his reasoning skills, and his way of being organized, and his self-discipline, and his efficiency when he talks, and how focused he can be – basically he is everything that I am naturally not… Boy, when I look at him, I can get depressed so quickly. So quickly.

But I must not look up to other people to be my sun. I have a Sun, and it is Christ. When I try to shine and reflect the light of others, as if they were my sun; or when I try to be the sun of others, and make their lives revolve around me; or when I try to be my own sun, and get so focused on the self… Whenever I do any of that I am nothing but a thief. I am trying to steal the light from the One who owns the light. In reality I am nothing but a dark satellite with no light coming from me at all. When I bring myself up because I’m amazing at something, or when I bring myself down, and throw pity parties because my performance sucks; when I do all those things, I am opposing God by trying to steal the glory that rightfully belongs to only Him.

I mean, isn’t that what Satan did? He didn’t want to reflect the light. He wanted to BE the light. Satan was not perfectly content with being a beautiful satellite reflecting the light of the Sun. Satan wanted to be THE Sun, and that was precisely his downfall.

So I had this conversation with my son. I mean, not like that, but very similar. How gracious of God to give me, a sinner, the joy and the huge responsibility to raise little sinners. I had empathy. I actually talked to him about some of my struggles. The latest one being the use of make up because I woke up the other day and I saw in the mirror that I’m getting old. It was fun watching videos on how to apply it and what not, but at the end of the day, the dark circles and the wrinkles around my eyes are still there.

I shared with Enzo that deep in my heart sometimes I would like to be young again. I shared that the skin around my belly is not as firm as it once was, and everything is hanging low, and that very likely, it will continue to drop. And I have dark circles, and I want to look beautiful and vibrant, and he was laughing!

In the middle of my confessions, he actually said,

You see, my intention was to point him to Christ, not to his own abilities at the video game. I encouraged him to look to Christ if he doesn’t want to be carried away trying to be good at doing life on his own strength. He needs to practice typing, and also work hard at it; he can also be content if he is good at the game or at actual typing, but he should not boast about his abilities. He should rather praise God for them. How much of that talk actually made it into his heart? I don’t know. I pray a lot of it did.

It is always pride, isn’t it? Sometimes it masquerades as false humility when we try to put ourselves down or when we obsessively think about ourselves, and how we are not good enough this, or not good enough that. That’s the issue. Is culture trying to encourage our relationship with the One True God? No, culture always points us to ourselves. We are not the answer, though.

So here’s my mini-commentary of what I have thought about Colossians (finally!). It’s all stuff that has been on my mind since I read that chapter on the sun and the moon. I am probably preaching to myself here,

Look, you. Stop trying to pursue your own glory. It is not about you anyway. Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God, not for your own glory. Don’t be a glory thief. Be thankful your Maker has bestowed on you the great privilege of actually being able to reflect his glory, and that the more that He conforms you to the image of His Son, the more glorious you will become be, and the brighter you will actually shine. You will get the joy, and He will get the praise.

Forget about yourself. You want to please God? You really want to know if you are doing a good job? Then read. It is possible. God can actually be pleased with you. Stop trying to please others or make others please you until your face turns blue. Instead, get to work in pleasing Him because this is what life is all about. Here is how you do it.

Pray. Pray that He fills you up with with the knowledge of His will. When you know His will for your life, you will actually walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. When you know His will, you will actually be fully pleasing to Him. I am talking about the revealed will of God, not His will of decree. You can know His will in the things that you can actually do.

Your husband asked you to shred the pork? Do it, and do it gladly. Don’t give him the faces you give him, or rolls your eyes at him when he asks you to groom the gods. Submit to him, be a helper. Respect him. Honor him. Wanna please God? Endure with patience and joy. Take your children to the playground, and breath a prayer of thanksgiving. You actually have three children now. Didn’t you want that? Enjoy them, love them, cherish them. Yes, they can be particularly obnoxious at times, but so are you. Forgive them. Be compassionate with them.

Put to death what is earthly in you. Do not covet the life of others as if they have it better than you. You walked on these evil ways before, but now you must put them all away. Put away your wrath, kill your sin. Get up early to read your Bible. Go for a run. Be joyful. Pray often. Give thanks – in everything. This is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Renew your mind. Don’t be a slave to sin.

Want to please God? Bear good fruit in every good work. Of course, go to church, read your Bible, and catechize your children, but don’t miss the forest for the trees. Bearing fruit is more than just doing good works or checking off a list. You can’t please God without faith first. When you begin checking off lists, you get overwhelmed and start thinking you will never please Him. The list will never end, and it is not about the list. It’s not about doing, it’s about being. You are His child. You have His love. You belong to Him. You are His, and He is yours.

God has prepared all these good works already for you to walk in them, so walk in them. You were saved not by works, but unto good works. You were saved for good works. Live accordingly. In your homeschool, teach them to love Christ. In your neighborhood, be kind. Speak truth. Do not shrink back. Make dinner joyfully. Get your hands dirty. Bake more bread. Make more pizza dough. Involve your family. It is a mercy, not a burden, that you get to cook often, and that there is always plenty. If you haven’t, give thanks.

Offer your whole live as sacrifice to the Lord. And do all this for His glory. Ask Him to give you His strength, for you will burn out if you are trying to do this on your own. The more you do this, the happier you will become, and the less self absorbed you will be. You will stop thinking about your skin not being firm, or your the wrinkles in your face.

More on how to please Him? Increase in your knowledge of your Creator. Repent. Embrace a high view of God and the Scriptures. Submit to a local church. When something rubs you wrong, you are the problem, not the Word. Be willing to be wronged, and be wiling to be taken advantage of at times – specially in your own household. Be patient. Endure. If pain and suffering visit your life for awhile, regard them as friends, not as foes. God is treating you like His child. He loves you, and He never gives to His children anything that they don’t need. If you find yourself without zeal for your Maker, then you are not living in His will.

In case I forget, give thanks! He has qualified you. He qualifies you. He literally made you able. He has made you competent, He has made you sufficient. Fit to work. You are not trying to live a worthy life. You are already worthy IN CHRIST – worthy of an inheritance of light. You are already qualified. Live up to it. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling then, because it is He who works in you to will and work for His good pleasure. He will complete His work in you.

He has transferred from the dominion of darkness into the kingdom of His beloved Son – what a gift! What a glorious truth! Rejoice!! You have been redeemed, you have been forgiven. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Get your second wind and keep running the race. Open your eyes, and fight the good fight of the faith. It is not easy. Be on your guard. Haven’t you noticed lately that the enemy of your soul never sleeps? He’s always prowling like a lion, ready to devour you. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.

There’s no difference when done to the honor of the Lord between preaching and washing the dishes. As touching to please God, there is no difference at all. Do not look for loopholes. Women are not given the role of preaching with authority to men. Read your Bible. Trust and obey.

And STOP asking if you are enough. Ask yourself instead, ‘Am I fully pleasing to God?’ You will literally have your whole life with enough work in your hands to make sure you do.

Sister, as my Pastor told me, always keep your eyes on Christ and not men, and you will never be disappointed!

Wanna hear something super funny? I thought I had ordered a new commentary on Colossians. I was sure I had done that. But nope, I order a commentary on John 😂

BTW, thought this might prove helpful:

Colossians 1:12 – to the Father, who has qualified you, to share

Welcome Home, Danny!

Dany,

I hope one day you will be able to read this, and praise the Lord with me.

True love’s kiss

Daniel “Aury” Nunez is home. He was born on Tuesday, October 6th, 2020. He weighed 8 lb., and measured 21 inches. Since he was born at 11:33 pm., and because the tests he needed to be discharged had to be run at the 24-hour mark, we made it home until Thursday.

I am officially in love. I don’t think, I mean… it’s still pretty surreal that I have three children. And that I have another son 🙂

I don’t think this post will be too long, I hope not, although I do have so many things I would like to write down for my own memory’s sake. That’s why I started blogging years ago – I am very forgetful. I also want to praise God and give Him all the glory for Danny’s life, and not only for his life, but also for being my refuge and strength, my ever-present help in the time of trouble (Psalm 46:1).

I know labor has been painful since Adam and Eve disobeyed, but I have never experienced so much pain in labor like I did with Danny. We were praying faithfully during all my pregnancy that I would start labor on my own, so that I wouldn’t have to have Pitocin administered. When Libby and Enzo were born, I got to the hospital having contractions of my own, so I was not technically induced. Libby’s labor lasted for 17 hours, and I was on Pitocin for only nine; with Enzo, I labored for 8 hours also with Pitocin, and then he was born.

Danny’s story is different.

This time around, my file read something like, “Multigravida of advanced maternal age, with a history of macrosomia and shoulder dystocia.” Basically, I have had several big babies, I’m over 35, and my babies are so HUGE at birth than one actually got stuck. LOL!

9:30 am – tolerable contractions. I was still smiling 🙂

Danny’s ultrasound at 37 weeks showed he was around 7 lb. 10 oz. So I think it was pretty accurate for a test with a ±15% error. My doctor ended up suggesting to have an induction at 38 weeks due to his weight, and so when we got to the hospital that morning at 5 am., everything was running smoothly. I was a little bit nervous to have to go with the Pitocin from the very beginning of the process, but overall I was excited to meet my son that day.

I was 2 cm. dilated and 80% effaced, so the doctors (both my OBGYN and another one I saw the weekend before) were very confident that I would have a quick labor since my body had already done this before. My body would just remember, and it would be quick – or so they said. They started me on Pitocin at 6:30 am., and broke my water at 8 am. What was supposed to be a quick 6-8 hour process, ended up being 17 hours long.

I don’t think I was consciously thinking about all these things prior to the induction, but maybe they were somewhere in the back of my mind. I know that the main reason I grabbed Emerson by the arm when Enzo was born, and told him, “I am done having babies,” was because I did not want to experience that kind of pain again. As THE day approached I was very anxious for my body to do its own thing – without the Pitocin. I was scared of the pushing, and the children and all my friends were praying for peace and for a safe delivery.

There was also the anxiety of losing too much blood. I lost quite a bit with Enzo because of that drug, and the night Enzo was born I had horrible labor chills that had me shaking uncontrollably. At least now I know they are normal due to the rush of adrenaline going through your body after labor. I just didn’t want to go through all that again.

Texting with Libby @ 1:09 pm – It took 7 hours to dilate 1 cm.

I am sure all these things were playing a role on how I prayed – the things I was taking to God in prayer – and basically everything I was feeling and thinking as the induction day was approaching.

My pastor always says, “We will pray that if it is the Lord’s will, such and such will happen.”

Pastor Bray has taught me the importance of submitting to God’s will, and the fact that I cannot bend the arm of God in prayer. Ultimately, in prayer we bow down to God’s will for our lives. Prayer is not to be a way in which we try to manipulate God into giving us what we want. While we do ask things from our Father – things we need – we confidently rest upon the fact that He hears us and that He does answer with whatever is best for us.

I know this in my head, I can hear myself on repeat, “For His glory and my good, for His glory and my good.” It just never occurred to me to pray that God would give me the kind of labor that would bring Him the most glory. Honestly, I was just focused on having an easy labor, I mean, a not-so-painful-labor. I knew it was going to hurt, but again, I was sure that if my body started things on its own (like with my other two children), things would go well with me.

I’ve been thinking about the two wills of God since I came home from the hospital. This is why my brain has no rest LOL! I have a point to make here. Stay with me.

If I pray to be conformed to the image of Jesus Christ, of course God will grant that because that is part of His revealed will for my life. God grants my prayers to be answered when I pray according to His will. At the same time, I don’t have to go and pray whether or not God would want me to cheat on my husband, because the Lord has already revealed that I am not to do that. This is something called God’s revealed will – His commandments and precepts. On the other hand, though, there are things that come to pass that are part of God’s hidden will, or God’s will of decree. These are the things that will happen because the Lord has ordained that they will happen, like say, He predetermined that His One and Only Son would die on the cross. When Pilate, along with the Jews and the Gentiles killed Jesus, the apostles knew that God’s hand had predestined that to take place, and so they prayed accordingly (Acts 4:27-28). I hope this article from Ligonier helps explain what I am talking about.

Libby texting me @ 1:32 pm

Understanding these things has made me grasp the fact that OBVIOUSLY, it was not God’s will of decree for me to start labor on my own, otherwise I would have started labor on my own – without medicine. I prayed for it -fervently – and it didn’t happen. To say it was His will to happen, but that somehow it didn’t, would be to deny His sovereignty. He just had a different plan for my life than the one I wanted. That’s all. Again, I knew these things in my head going into the hospital, but it was really hard to deal with the realization that God did not answer my prayers the way I expected Him to answer them – specially when I was in so much pain after 12 hours of labor with Pitocin.

While I don’t know exactly why God answered my prayers in a way I did not see coming, I can look back and see that He is altogether good and wise. There was so much mercy on His part. I truly believe He prepared me before hand to go through all that. That was His grace to me.

This is what I mean.

The night before the induction, I read the Bible with the children. I usually don’t do that since I read the Bible in the mornings with them, but Emerson is following a Bible plan with them at nights. I can’t remember what Emerson was doing, but he asked me to read it with them. We read from the book of Isaiah. When we got to Isaiah 26:3-4, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had just read.

You keep him in perfect peace

    whose mind is stayed on you,

    because he trusts in you.

Trust in the Lord forever,

    for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.

Nothing really happened after that. But after everybody went to bed, I kept thinking about it. As usual I ended up going to the bathroom around 2 am, and I sat on the couch to read that verse again. Then it just dawn on me that I had not been at peace the whole week – or the weeks leading to the induction. I was praying, but I was anxious. I wanted labor to come.

That night the Lord showed me that I had been relying on labor starting on its own as the main reason why my mind would be at peace. It was sinful for me to rely on that, instead of relying on the Lord.

Emerson took this photo around 6 pm.

I thought peace would come if labor started on its own, but it was time to call the nurse letting her know we were on our way to the hospital and labor hadn’t come, and it was very likely it wouldn’t. I wanted to be at peace so I prayed. I know I should have known better, right? I wish I could say I was always focused on the Lord, but I wasn’t. I was focused on having a baby as quickly as possible, and with the least amount of pain possible.

On our way to the hospital, I was trying to memorize those verses from Isaiah, trying to think about what they meant – how to apply their principle in my present situation. Labor didn’t come naturally for me, and I had to confess that I wanted things to be peachy… Ultimately, I asked the Lord to help my mind and my heart to be focused on Him that day. I knew (better late than never) that the reason I could be at peace was nothing other than trusting in Him.

I would say I was in good spirits until about 4 pm. They had checked me several times, but I was only about 5 cm. dilated. I was beginning to feel tired. I think my contractions were still manageable, but every time the nurse would come she would increase my Pitocin dose because I was talking through them. By the time it was 6 pm., I finally broke down. LOL!

I was sad, I was tired, and I was crying. I thought my baby was supposed to come at 2 pm. The nurses thought he was going to come at 4 pm. Nobody knew why I was progressing so slowly. My doctor had left to have dinner with her family, and she said she would probably try to come back, but that she didn’t know, so she introduced me to the doctor on call, who by the way, increased my Pitocin once more.

It’s a bunch of lies that Pitocin helps making things move faster. LOL!

Besides all the pain, I had an over-obsessed daughter texting me and inquiring of my status constantly. Never mind her Mommy, she wanted a Baby. I wanted to be mad at her, but I just couldn’t. She did’t mean anything by it. If it had been my mom, then sure. Libby, however, was so anxious to know if I had had the baby that she was truly disappointed every time she texted me and I had no baby to show her yet!

So I began crying telling Emerson that I wanted labor to come on its own, but that obviously God had other plans, and that I was in pain. I was asking him to pray for me, that God would give me endurance and perseverance. By the time it was 8 pm., I was still just at 5-6 cm. I just kept looking at the clock, and every time a contraction would come, I seriously thought I couldn’t take another one. I think those were the most painful. Emerson says I looked pale, and I did not talk anymore. He relates at some points he was afraid I was gonna pass out.

Emerson was amazing that day. He helped me so much. He would take me to the bathroom all the time, bring me water, pray for me. He would hold me and hug me. He would rub my back if I asked him to. He even pulled up my undies when I had to go to the bathroom – he was so sweet. I felt he was really there willing to serve me and support me.

So my crying lasted for about two minutes, but then, really, an overwhelming peace was there in the room – all the time. I was at peace. I felt that peace of God that transcends all understanding. My mind was at peace. I was praying that with every contraction God would help me go through one more, and one more, and one more. I really felt everybody’s prayers that night. And now that I look back, I know that God had a plan for me reading Isaiah 26:3-4 the night before. It was those verses that really got me through the whole day, and really through the last three hours.

finally home – october 8th, 2020.

In the midst of the whole ordeal, I knew His grace was sufficient for me. I knew God was there. I knew He had not abandoned me. I did feel like quitting at some points, but I knew God was taking care of me even though I didn’t exactly know the reasons why things went they way they went. So after three more hours, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I screamed, “I NEED TO PUSH!!!!”

The nurse checked me once again, and I was totally ready to push. There were like eight people in the room; a whole team ready in case this baby got stuck, and another whole team ready for the extra bleeding. Thank goodness that at 11 pm. they took away the Pitocin, and my pain stopped. That actually gave me a much needed break. I was so relieved.

I had to push three times per contraction. I don’t know why they ask you to hold your breath while you push. Anyway… I pushed nine times over the span of maybe fifteen to twenty minutes. And once Daniel’s head was out, I couldn’t hold it, and kept on yelling that I needed to keep pushing.

And so he got out – FAST – in eleven pushes!!

The doctor on call, by the way, was amazing. I am so thankful she was the one delivering my baby. She was kind with me while she was checking on me, and she was funny. She was relatable, and I had never experienced that connection with any OBGYN since my doctor, who delivered Libby and Enzo, passed away.

HI, Danny!!

Once Danny was out, I just couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him. He looked exactly like in the ultrasound. He was perfect. He also cried a lot.

I was praying every time I had to push, and I began thanking God in the middle of it. I was just so amazed at the goodness of God for caring for me, and keeping Daniel and I safe throughout the whole day on medicine. His heart rate was always great, my blood pressure was always good. Yes, I lost blood, and had to be given medicine for that. But he didn’t get stuck!

I was exhausted, and I was starving, but I had a baby in my arms. I was able to see God’s grace plainly.

Seeing grace is not necessarily about looking to the sunny circumstances of our lives. People think they will only find grace where there’s no personal struggles or battles with sin. Grace is everywhere, as much in the difficulties and struggles of our lives as in the good times and the victories, if not more so.

Ultimately, however, if we are going to see grace, we need to look at the cross of Christ. We will need to return to the cross again and again to recalibrate our vision and refocus on the grace of God so perfectly displayed there.

Todd Wilson – Commentary on Galatians.

Being home has been great. I have felt many fears again – the same fears that were there before the pregnancy, and through the pregnancy. The temptations to fear death are still there. Hormones have been crazy, I am operating on little sleep, plus I had been worried about Danny not eating enough since he was not peeing or pooping. My milk hadn’t come in yet, he had lost weight, he was jaundiced, and yada, yada, yada…

Having Emerson and the children support me through all this has been really humbling. I broke down crying telling the children I felt like I was abandoning them because all I was doing was taking care of the baby. Libby basically said it was all in my mind. She was so sweet. She said, “Mommy, we don’t feel the way you think we feel. You think that we feel that you don’t love us, but it is all in your head. We don’t feel the way you feel we feel. We love you, and we know you love us.”

They have been so kind to me. They clean the house, they do the laundry, they pick up the dishes. Even Enzo is making quesadillas! He refuses to change a diaper, but he loves his Baby Brother. Our friends have been bringing us meals. I am so blessed.

my boys ;)

I have felt overwhelmed at times, but it’s getting better. Every time I look at the clock, it is time to feed Daniel again, and it seems like I don’t do anything anymore. Even Twitter doesn’t seem interesting anymore. LOL!

The whole first week after coming back I was reading a book on Motherhood for my Book Club, and I was crying all the time with the things I was reading. It was almost as if God were intending to bring more trials into my life.

Why would He do such a thing? Are we not done yet? I thought waiting 21 months to have this baby in my arms was enough…

I listen to myself right now, and I’m like, “Oh, Karla, will you ever learn that trusting the Lord is something that you are never done with? You need to trust in Him. Every. Single. Moment. Of. Every. Single. Day.”

It was as if God was gently, but firmly saying, “Daniel is mine. Trust me.”

So even when Danny was not peeing or pooping or whatever… there was God’s grace being renewed every morning with one more diaper, or with a humongous poop. And the book I was reading, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full, by Gloria Furman, was talking about Lamentations 3:22 – The Lord is my portion, therefore I will hope in Him.

And I began crying even more!

I knew this! I know this! Didn’t I just write a post about the book of Lamentations some weeks ago? Okay, so, now the Baby is out of my womb… Would I trust the Lord? Is He my portion?

The book said, Nothingnothing happens without the sovereign Lord’s ordaining it. He is trustworthy and praiseworthy in every circumstance. God is the one who has created this child, and God has far more intentions to glorify Himself through this kid than I could ever dream up. God made this child for Himself – for His name’s sake. Every mitochondrion in his little body exists for God’s glory. The Lord knew my child’s destiny before the sperm ever met the egg. He commands his destiny from before the foundations of the world. He knows the number of his days, and no part of his story surprises Him. He is the God to whom we actively, daily entrust our children. The sovereign Lord of the universe deserves my faith-filled acknowledgement of His ownership of my kids. We all belong to our Creator.”

I think I could go on and on talking about how happy we are that we have Danny home. Everybody is thrilled that we have a baby in the house. He is such a blessing and we cannot praise the Lord enough for his life. I will finish this post, though, with Emerson’s side of Danny’s story. I want to preserve that for the future 🙂

Danny,

On February, 2019, I took a little trip to Singapore and India. While I was there, I took a stroll to the neighborhood where we used to live. We used to spend all our time together when we lived there, and many memories came back. We had a lot of fun, and it was a great place to live. We would see the sunrise and the sunset on most days because we had a terrace in our building. When I was there, I felt so guilty.

I saw Enzo’s videos from when he was two years old, and I remember we were so frustrated because he was disobedient and angry all the time, and tossing things. But now that I looked back, I felt so guilty… he was only two, he was a little boy. I called Mommy, and I told her about it. She said she knew I was feeling guilty, and she read to me Psalm 103.

I guess the Lord had been working in my heart already, but that Psalm and also looking back at Enzo and Libby when they were little, made me think it had been a mistake. It was not the right decision to make on 2012 when I had a vasectomy. We thought, “We are done, our family is complete, and we don’t want any more kids. When we are 47, our children will leave the house, and we will be free. We are still young and we will enjoy our lives.”

But the more and more I read the Scriptures, the more I saw that children are a blessing from the Lord. We were thinking more like the world than biblically.

On the way back from India, I took a 17-hour flight from Doha to Houston, and I sat down next to a mommy with a little girl. That baby was holding my finger, and she reminded me so much of your sister, her big brown eyes, very cute and tender. I felt even more conviction from the Lord. I thought, “What did I do? This was a mistake…”

So upon my return, and after praying more, I scheduled a vasectomy reversal. On May, I had surgery, and we prayed that if indeed it was the Lord’s will, that Mommy would get pregnant, but it was not happening. On January 2020, I traveled again, and we had missed the window, but we tried anyway. The Lord, in his grace and his mercy got Momma pregnant, and nine months later, here you are in my arms. You were supposed to be born today (October 20th), but you were born two weeks earlier because you are big.

You are gorgeous, you are a little angel, and your Daddy loves you very much. And I’m probably gonna make mistakes like I did with Enzo and with Libby, but it’s gonna be mostly your fault.

I love you. I love you, Son.

What else can I say?

From the beginning of Daniel’s life, God has glorified Himself. I never thought Emerson would come home after a trip telling me he wanted to have more babies. However I think about it, God knew this was His plan for our lives, for our family, even before we began praying for it. We actually prayed for it because God put that desire in my husband’s heart.

And so my book, where it says, “Nothingnothing happens without the sovereign Lord’s ordaining it. He is trustworthy and praiseworthy in every circumstance. God is the one who has created this child, and God has far more intentions to glorify Himself through this kid than I could ever dream up.” – this keeps reminding me of God’s goodness, and His purposes.

It all has been for His glory, and my good. For His glory and my good. The surgery, the waiting, the pain during labor – everything – was worth it.

I pray we will get to see Daniel grow into a young man who loves the Lord.

In the meantime, he’s hanging out with his siblings whenever he is awake 🙂

reviewing latin/spanish vocabulary. october 21, 2020.

On Memorizing Scripture – Part 2

I have been trying to write this post for at least two weeks, but other things got in the way. This may be considered Part 2 of the post I titled On Memorizing Scripture.

In that post I said I have been memorizing the Book of Philippians. I also mentioned that when I read the Bible I go very slowly, and sometimes it takes me days to move forward because I keep thinking and thinking about one particular word, or verse, and then I go on rabbit trails.

So I was in the book of Philippians for probably two solid months – reading it every day, and reading my commentary along with it. It is not a particularly long book. You can read it in one sitting, and be done with it in less than an hour. My commentary, however, has at least five to ten pages to read for every three or four verses. So it took me a long time, but I just finished two days ago 🙂

I truly loved Philippians 3:1-16.

I was fascinated by diving deeper into this section. I was convicted by the words of Paul, and I was also deeply encouraged in my walk and my pursuit of Christ. I felt a lot of love for my Savior. And that might sound cliché, because every Christian should love Jesus, correct? But I personally never had emotions and/or affections that arose deep from within my heart when I was exposed to the Word of God.

I had never experienced that until I began studying Biblical Doctrine.

Paul has so much passion when he talks about Christ – it is contagious. He wants to know Christ. He wants to gain Christ. He wants to be found in Christ. And as I have said, I usually go on rabbit trails trying to find out what all that means. There are things that I cannot relate to when I look at Paul’s life. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have anything to teach me, of course. But there are other things that I can practically apply to my own life.

Daniel Aurelius on September 30th, 2020.
He was upset the ultrasound tech woke him up.

So that whole section in Phil. 3:1-16, really gave me hope. It also made me ponder on questions like: How do I gain Christ? What does it mean to be found in Christ? How do I keep pressing on to make Christ my own? How do I forget what lies behind, and keep pressing on what lies ahead?

I want an answer to all these questions because I want to follow Christ as Paul followed Christ. The fact that I am not Paul does not grant me an excuse to not pursue Christ in the same way Paul pursued Christ. Actually, Paul is instructing the Philippians to imitate him, and to keep their eyes on those who walk according to the example they had in Paul (Phil. 3: 17). So Paul is assuming we will be doing this – imitating him as he imitates Christ (1 Cor. 11:1). As we do so, we in turn can encourage others to do the same.

I want to do that. I want to look for people who will encourage me and keep me accountable to live a life worthy of the calling to which I have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Eph. 4:1-3).

I want my love to abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment so that I may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ (Phil 1:9-10). I want to orient my heart towards God in such a way that I can confidently say, without the shadow of a doubt, “For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” (Phil. 1:21).

The whole Book of Philippians was amazing.

October 1st, 2020. Evening walk after eating Enzo’s cake.

Something that truly struck me was the fact that the apostle Paul was actually hard pressed between two choices – to remain in the flesh or to be with Christ. He was just not using figure of speech. And it convicted me deeply because I am not struggling with that choice. I know that were God to give me an option today, I would choose to remain. There is so much work left for me to do – or at least I think so. My children need me.

I am pregnant. The child in my womb needs to hear the gospel. I know Christ is more valuable than life itself, but I want to remain in the flesh for their progress and joy in the faith (Phil 1:25). I don’t feel like Paul yet, but it was good for me to understand that I should be fighting my self-desires that go against the self-dying that is necessary for my family, and that as time passes, God willing, my desire to be in heaven should be ever growing.

It was good to know, that Paul’s conviction was rooted in his knowledge of God’s sovereignty. Paul was trusting in God’s will – regardless of the outcome. So his joy was the result of growing closer to the Lord Jesus.

Paul really wants to depart and be with Christ. Am I in sin if I do not feel that way?

The whole book of Philippians sings with joy, and Paul’s desire for his entire life to revolve around Christ – his Savior. It made me want to sing, too.

When studying theology does not prompt us to adoration, we must question whether we are more concerned to puff ourselves up with knowledge than to glorify God. I have sinned greatly in this area. I have confessed that, and I have repented of studying theology for the sake of  head knowledge in the past. The Lord has been very gracious to me in that arena. I know He has forgiven me.

But now more than ever, when I think about the ways my life has been transformed within the last four years, I have come to the realization that it wasn’t counseling what transformed my world. It wasn’t a book on how to deal with abuse that produced perseverance, forgiveness, and compassion. It wasn’t a magic formula on how to raise godly children what has helped me remain faithful in my parenting when I don’t see the fruit of the Spirit in my children’s lives. Nothing special about me has made me mature spiritually.

My life has changed as a result of being taught the Word. This has happened through many means: podcasts, Bible Study, and particularly, my local church. And this is something that didn’t happen in one day, it was a long process. That process is still happening and will continue to happen until the day I see Christ. As I read my Bible, listened to sermons or podcasts, God worked in me.

Enzo’s early birthday celebration in case Daniel is born on Enzo’s birthday.

By God’s grace I am living like Paul lived. I am not talking about sinless perfection for I sin every day. But it is a mercy and a grace from God to be able to see that I am growing in holiness – even my husband has noticed some of that change. So I know it’s actually happening, and that I am not making that up.

And you know what? That process has actually involved suffering. Granted, maybe not like Paul’s, but suffering nonetheless. I have struggled with seeing my idols being stepped on, and fighting for the Lord to be my portion. I have had to confess my unbelief to God in times of anxiety. I have had to recognize that my desires and my wandering often pull my away from Christ. Sometimes I really think I can do all things through ME.

But with Paul I can say, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” (Phil. 3:12).

Paul did not consider that he had made it his own (Phil. 3:13). Me neither. But with Paul, I do one thing: forgetting what lies behind, and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Phil. 3:14)

This section comes after Paul lists his pedigree as a Pharisee, and lists all the things that could have made him rely on his own righteousness, rather than the righteousness that comes through faith in Christ – the righteousness of God that depends on faith (Phil. 3:9).

The most astounding fact is that in this spiritual growth in my life, God has been the driving force – not me. That is not to say that I am NOT pursuing Christ because I am. But the fact that I am pursuing Christ springs from God himself, who is working and orchestrating that desire in me.

Who, then, does the actual work? Is it God, or is it I?

The answer is: YES!

Philippians 2:12-13, says:

“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”

This comes as Paul’s instruction to the Philippians after he has explained the humiliation and exaltation of Christ, and the reason why we, as Christians, should be the most humble of peoples – willing to sacrifice for others and serve them.

Therefore – because of all that Paul just said in Philippians 2:1-11 – they should be working out their salvation with fear and trembling. This has nothing to do with earning one’s salvation. Paul is very clear in his other epistles, that justification (being declared righteous, having peace with God and not condemnation from Him) is by grace alone, through faith alone. And we contribute nothing to that process.

But in the process of sanctification (which is becoming more and more like Christ) we do play an active role. We have the responsibility to actively pursue obedience. And as we do pursue Christ, the Lord by His indwelling Holy Spirit is who actually produces the good works and spiritual fruit in our lives.

Now everything that I just said is doctrinal in nature. The whole Bible is a doctrinal book. I have personally grown in these areas because I have been exposed to great sound teachers online, but more importantly because my pastor feeds me the Word of God. He cares for my soul as he preaches on Sundays.

I am always beating the horse on social media that we, women, are biblically illiterate. Men are biblically illiterate, too, but I am not talking to men here.

Now, I am not saying women do not know how to read. But I am saying that we are not provided, for the most part, with the tools we need in order to read the text, contextualize the text, apply a good hermeneutic to the text, and exegete the text in such a way that we can actually detect false teaching. So I am not surprised when many women think I am a hater when I tell them their favorite Women Bible teacher is a false teacher, or when many Christians are falling for false gospels like the ones espoused in the Woke Church Movement.

That’s what gaining 17 lbs. looks like LOL!

This has been obvious to me for a while, the fact that we need to learn biblical doctrine. But it wasn’t until I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day that I realized I was wrong in assuming people knew what I meant. I wish I had all the time in the world to write every single thought that comes to my mind regarding this, but I will try to provide some examples of what I mean when I say we should go deeper, and pursue Christ harder.

I was listening the other day to a sermon I heard by John Piper. He preached it in 1984, when I was a one year-old. I’m not entirely sure if Piper has gone fully Woke – that would be a disgrace. I can tell you I trust the John Piper of 1984, and that’s why I am willing to write about this sermon.

Piper quotes from the book The Pursuit of God, written in 1948, in which Tozer writes:

How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers. Everything is made to center upon the initial act of ‘accepting’ Christ . . . and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls. We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him, we need no more seek Him.

According to Piper, the Spirit is not deadening; he is addicting. I agree with that. The evidence that you have HIM – the Spirit, indwelling you – is that you want more of HIM. Continued indifference to growth in grace is a sign of NO grace.

Matthew Henry is right: “Wherever there is true grace there is a desire for more grace.”

Paul went hard after Christ, forsaking all the things people normally boast about; and he did it in order to know Him. Why did Paul do this? Because knowing Christ is a value that surpasses everything else. The evidence of conversion is whether or not you continue to pursue Christ, obeying Chrsit, and walking in holiness (Heb. 12:14).

Again, that doesn’t mean you never sin again, or that Christians cannot fall into grievous patterns of sinning. But if you have been really given a new heart (Eze. 36:26), if you have been made alive after being dead in sin and trespasses (Eph. 2:1-10), if you have been transferred from the dominion of darkness into Jesus’ Kingdom (Col 1:13), then now you are not who you were before Christ. So it is literally IMPOSSIBLE that if you have the Holy Spirit indwelling you, you will remain loving your sin.

A born-again person has a new heart with new desires. He wants to please the Lord in everything he does. A genuine convert enjoys fellowship with Christ (1 John 1:6), she is sensitive to the sin in her life (1 John 2:3), she is obedient to God, she rejects the world (1 John 2:15-17). She loves other Christians, she experiences answered prayer, she sees a decreased pattern of sin in her life (1 John 3:5-10), she is rejected by her faith in many cases (Phil. 1:28). She is able to discern between spiritual truth and error.

Tozer rejected the false logic which says, “If you have found God in Christ, you need no more seek him.”

All this is doctrinal in nature. It involves an understanding of the Doctrine of Regeneration, and what it means to be truly converted. Is it a simple prayer you pray, or is it God who causes you to be alive, and therefore, you put your faith in Christ as a result? What happens at conversion? More importantly, who makes it happen? God in His Sovereignty or you in your Free Will? And while I respect what you think, it is not about what you or I think, but about what the Bile actually says.

These are things that may not matter to you right now, but I can guarantee you, they will matter when your daughter is crying because she doesn’t know if she is truly saved. She sees her sin, she sees that God is holy, and she has this sinful pattern of behavior that she can’t seem to break away from. God forbid I give her a false assurance based on that one time where she said she repented, and that prayer that she said she spoke. That is NOT what the Bible tells me to tell her. The Bible never calls her to accept Jesus into her heart, but to repent and believe. And to keep repenting and to keep believing is the Christian life.

Paul commands my daughter to examine herself to see if she is really in the faith (2 Cor. 13:5). You may say, “Well, Paul is not Jesus. And Jesus loves her.”

Sure… I guess?

To accept that answer would only reveal a lack of understanding of the Doctrine of Inspiration, and who exactly wrote the Bible. Are Paul’s words to be taken as commands, or just as good advice for wholly living? Paul indicates what he writes are God’s commands (1 Cor. 13:37). This actually is one of the many loopholes female Bible teachers use in order to say they can actually be pastors. They are following Jesus’ calling for their lives, you see. They have this deep desire in their hearts, and if the desire is there, then it must have come from God, right?

Uh… no. They are being disobedient, because the same apostle who commands us to rejoice in the Lord always (Phil. 4:4), also says, “I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet.” (1 Timothy 2:12). Very unpopular now a days, but that’s what the Scripture says. Are we going to submit ourselves to it or not? You can watch this debate if you’re interested to know more about those passages.

Should Women Preach in Our Lord’s Day Worship Services?

The same with homosexuality. Was that only forbidden back in the Old Testament days, but really, Jesus is pleased with those relationships as long as they are monogamous and committed as Jen Hatmaker says? Is homosexual so-called marriage even a marriage? What is marriage? Why was it created by God? Who says it has to be between a man or a woman? By what standard are we supposed to evaluate the culture? Another great debate on that here.

Is Homosexuality Consistent with New Testament Obedience?

So we need to go deeper in pursuing Christ and His Word so that we can be rooted and grounded firmly in our faith. We need this not only to be able to defend it, but so that we ourselves are kept from following false teachings, and are not tossed back and from by the winds of this godless culture.

What has changed my perspective in the areas of womanhood, marriage, parenting, and Christian love has been going hard after the living Christ. And that has been accomplished through the study of theology.

You see, it is not that I was not a Christian before becoming intensely persuaded that women need theology. It is not that I was not secure in Christ. But there was really a way in which I did not really know the God I worshipped. I was very content knowing Jesus. However, I was not really pursuing Him. I think I romanticized Him, and I thought everything was about me, when in reality it is all about Him. And in our minds, we have no trouble saying God is in control, but when things really get rocky, we cry, “Why is this happening to me?”

The fact that I was struggling in my marriage, and my child was out of control, really made me bow down to the God of the Scriptures, and for the first time I saw Him in ways I had never done before. I understood what grace really is. Again, while not vocally confessing it, I was living for my glory – not God’s.

Going deeper in my knowledge of who Christ is has also helped me to become a better mom, and a better friend. I also hope I have become a better wife. I will ask Emerson. LOL!

Enzo loves Daniel already 🙂

Biblical doctrine has helped me to fight the daily battles in my mind. Sometimes I get sad out of the blue. I recognize lies that are whispered by the enemy of my soul. And that’s why I have loved memorizing big chunks of Scripture with the children. When Libby was sad about her sin, I was able to pray for her, and all that was coming out of my mouth was the Scriptures. I was able to confront her in her sin, encourage her to pursue Christ, and assure her that she will never be sinless. I also told her that if indeed the Holy Spirit lives in her, then He will keep on testifying to her that she is a child of God (Rom. 8:16). And that if so, then no one will ever be able to separate her from His love, and we began quoting together the new chunk that we are memorizing beginning in Rom 8:28.

When life brings suffering, I want to rely on the Doctrine of the Sovereignty of God. I want to trust that my God ordains all the things that come to pass for my good (Rom 8:28-32). I want to trust that even on the days when I’m feeling like trash (because I have days like that), my God has blessed me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places (Eph. 1:3).

It is the Doctrine of Election that takes a hold of my heart, and helps me focus my attention and redirect my heart to the God who chose me in Christ before the foundation of the world (Eph. 1:4). And his choosing had NOTHING to do with my performance, or how I would be feeling on that particular day, but He chose me so that I would be holy and blameless before Him, and to the praise of His glorious grace (Eph. 1:5). He chose me according to the purpose of His will (Eph. 1:5) in order to demonstrate that it does not depend on human will or exertion, but on God who has mercy (Rom 9:14-18).

He gave me mercy. He gave me compassion. What else do I need?

Maybe I have been saying these things regarding theology, and people think my life is boring and consumed by books. Well, of course I read books. But I am talking about devouring the Bible. Doctrine comes FROM the Bible.

In days when I feel worthless or super unproductive (that has happened lately as I have grown super tired because of my pregnancy ), I remember the Doctrine of the Atonement. And no, I don’t say, “Atonement is the reconciliation of God and humankind through Jesus Christ. DONE. I feel much better.”

No, I tell myself that no matter how I am feeling, I am not justified by works of the law, but through faith in Jesus Christ. I tell myself that I have been crucified with Christ, and it is not longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And that the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I tell my heart not to put its trust on how much I can do with the children for school lately because if righteousness were through the law, or through all these things that are good in themselves – if Christ really died for those, if I begin to rely on all I can do to make myself feel better – the Christ died for no purpose (Gal. 2:15-21).

I can go on and on giving more and more examples on how this has helped me personally in my faith. But I guess I just want to encourage the women who might be reading this that they can do this. It is not rocket science. People go hard after the things they really care about. We do make time for the things that we love, don’t we?

Start reading. Start listening to podcasts and/or sermons of pastors who preach in an expository fashion. Technology is – LITERALLY – at your fingertips.

You don’t know who preaches that way?

Here are some names: Paul Washer, Steve Lawson, Tom Ascol, John McArthur, Josh Buice, Richard Caldwell, John Bray (YAY for my Pastor), Jeff Durbin, James White – that should get you started. Many of those pastors also have either a blog, or a podcast.

Find a healthy church that preaches the Bible in this way. You want to learn more? That’s fine, but it begins with your local church. It is actually your Pastor’s job to watch over your soul. He will give an account one day (Heb. 13:17). You may want to read this article.

So really, the question is:

Do you love Christ?

Do you want to know Him, and the power of his resurrection, so you may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death? (Phil. 3:10-11)

Do you desire to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, so that Christ may dwell in you hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God? (Eph 3:14-19).

Do you want to advance the gospel regardless of the consequences it may bring in to your life? (Phil. 1:12-14). Do you want to learn contentment? It will involve suffering (Phil. 4:10-13).

If you really desire that (and there are many more promises in the Scriptures), things are not just going to happen. You need to actively pursue Christ knowing that you won’t be perfect in your pursuit, but that the God who bought you with his blood is the same God who will hold you fast as you run hard after Him. What He starts, He finishes (Phil. 1:6).

HE WILL HOLD ME FAST

YOUTUBE VIDEO

When I fear my faith will fail, Christ will hold me fast;
When the tempter would prevail, He will hold me fast.
I could never keep my hold through life’s fearful path;
For my love is often cold; He must hold me fast.

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;
For my Savior loves me so, He will hold me fast.

Those He saves are His delight, Christ will hold me fast;
Precious in his holy sight, He will hold me fast.
He’ll not let my soul be lost; His promises shall last;
Bought by Him at such a cost, He will hold me fast.

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;
For my Savior loves me so, He will hold me fast.

For my life He bled and died, Christ will hold me fast;
Justice has been satisfied; He will hold me fast.
Raised with Him to endless life, He will hold me fast
‘Till our faith is turned to sight, When He comes at last!

He will hold me fast, He will hold me fast;
For my Savior loves me so, He will hold me fast.

RESOURCES/PODCASTS/MINISTRIES
  • Philippians For You. Commentary by Steve Lawson.
  • Founders Ministries. Tom Ascol.
  • Alpha and Omega Ministries. James White.
  • Ligonier Ministries.
  • The Sword and The Trowel Podcast. Tom Ascol, Jared Longshore.
  • Just Thinking Podcast. Virgil Walker, Darrell Harrison.
  • CrossPolitic Podcast. David Shannon, aka The Chocolate Knox.
  • The Women’s Hope Podcast from the Master’s Seminary.
  • Delivered by Grace. Blog by Josh Buice.
  • Grace To You. John McArthur.
  • Sheologians Podcast. Summer White.
  • Christ Church. Doug Wilson, Rachel Jankovic.
  • Founders Baptist Church. Walking In Grace Ministries. Richard Caldwell.
  • North Houston Baptist Church Podcast. John Bray.
  • Apologia Radio Podcast. Jeff Durbin.
  • Sovereign Nations Podcast. Michael O’Fallon.
  • Relatable. Allie Beth Stuckey.
  • The G3 Conference Podcast. Josh Buice.
  • HeartCry Missionary. Paul Washer.

Enjoy!

The Bible, Billy Joel, and AC/DC

A recent conversation with my son helped me realize one more time the truth that children learn/absorb more than we think they do from the environment in which they are spending their time.

We were listening to For The Longest Time, by Billy Joel, on my iPhone. I love that song, I love the tune of it. There is something about it that makes me feel happy, and it’s not the lyrics. It’s literally the music. My husband says it’s harmony. I’m not a musician, but I trust him, so let’s just say it is the harmony in that song what makes me smile.

Believe it or not, after 13 years of living in America, listening to music in English has never been one of my favorite things to do. I still can’t understand what most people are saying if they’re singing, and I still use the subtitles when I watch a movie. That’s why I don’t like talking to people on the phone. Unless I can have a conversation face to face, or I can communicate with them via text, I get very anxious.

So Enzo and I were playing Catan while listening to the song, and I was reading the lyrics on my phone. Then I read this:

Maybe this won’t last very long,

But you feel so right, and I could be wrong…

Who knows how much further we’ll go on,

Maybe I’ll be sorry when you’re gone.

I’ll take my chances,

I forgot how nice romance is,

I haven’t been there for the longest time…

I literally stopped the song, and said, “Did you hear that? What is he talking about? What does that even mean? He is saying he doesn’t even know if this is the woman he wants to spend his life with. He knows this relationship might not last for long, but she feels right for him, at least right now. Even if they end up breaking up, maybe – just maybe – he’ll miss her. But for now, he just wants to be with her because romance is nice. You are not to be that kind of man, you hear me? I am not raising that kind of man.”

He said what he always says when I give him that tone of voice, and he knows that a talk is coming. He said, “Yes, Patootie.”

We talked about the reality that his dad grew up listening to that kind of music. Emerson has also always listened to Classic Rock ever since we were dating sixteen years ago. He has also listened to Pop Music (from the 80’s, I guess). I think there’s some kind of nostalgia there, and it is totally understandable. I think Emerson’s inheritance from his dad will include at least seven hundred – SEVEN HUNDRED – records. So Emerson was raised listening to lots of different music.

I told Enzo that I had never asked Daddy to stop listening to that kind of music because I know that he likes it, and honestly, I really like the tune of many of the songs, too. I like some songs by Queen, or Paul Simon. There’s something about Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes – specially if you hear it in my husband’s music room.

Anyway, this was actually the first time that I had realized what Billy Joel was singing. So we talked about how music can really get you into certain kind of mood, and how you always have to be aware of what you’re singing because the reality is, most of the time, the more you sing something, the more your end up believing what you are singing.

And then Enzo said, “I know what you mean Mommy. Like, when it says, ‘So lock up your daughter, lock up your wife, lock up your back door, run for your life.'”

I asked him what in the world he was talking about.

He said it was from AC/DC’s T. N. T. I had never caught that’s where the lyrics said, since all I understand from that song is the “Oi, Oi, Oi” and “T.N.T, I’m dynamite.”

No, we don’t rejoice when we hear those songs, and as far as I know, Emerson has respected my wishes of not listening to specific songs that bothered me, like Queen’s Fat Bottom Girls, or AC/DC’s Highway To Hell.

What I am saying is that children are aware of those things even when I am not, or even when I think they are not. I firmly believe I should not isolate my children into a Christian bubble, otherwise they will be shocked when they go into the world. It is my job to train them, and to expose them to the evils in this world. I want to be the one introducing them to those things.

You may not agree with me, so I am posting this podcast for your consideration. Tom Ascol, who is one of the pastors that I respect the most (after my own pastor), relates the story of his high school daughter. She was homeschooled, and at one time there was an incident (involving cursing words) at the community college she was attending that made her vulnerable. He realized that there had been a gap in her education by her not knowing those foul words.

I really encourage you to listen to it. The podcast The Sword & The Trowel, by Founders Ministries, is also available wherever you get your podcasts. The YouTube link is below.

Parenting And Government Schools: How Not To Raise Little Pagans

So with our children we watch all kinds of movies. We have watched Jaws, The Meg, all Jurassic Worlds, all the Marvel movies, all the Harry Potter movies, The Mandalorian (Season 2 is coming – YEAH!!), among others that might make many Christian parents cringe. I understand and respect that.

We talk about those movies. We talk about Moana’s false narrative that Unreached People Groups do not need the gospel. We talk about demi-gods like Maui, and the reincarnation of the grandma. Also, Moana seems to just be following her heart. We have talked about Frozen – particularly Frozen 2. Let’s just say it’s pretty dark if you think long and hard about the voices Elsa is listening to. We have watched Onward, and we have talked about the scenes in which there’s the push to normalize homosexuality.

They don’t watch nudity if there is any – including scenes where people are kissing in suggestive ways (like Anakin and Padme in Star Wars). We talk about cursing words. They are also watching The Simpsons with Emerson. I don’t like that show, but the children love it. They, along with Dad, think it is hilarious. Emerson also grew up watching them.

I actually interviewed Libby for this blog. I asked her to tell me about The Simpsons while I typed.

Homer is kind of an idiot, and because he is an idiot, he is kinda funny. He is a bad dad, and a bad son. He doesn’t even care for his father, and because of that, the children don’t care for their grandfather.

Marge is kind of nice to people, but her sisters are horrible. They hate Homer, and they smoke. Bart is a terrible kid, and when he does bad things, his parents don’t really discipline him. I don’t really think much about Lisa, other than she’s very smart. The Itchy and Scratchy Show… I don’t know why it is funny to them, it is not funny to me. Violence should not be funny.

Principal Skinner still lives with his mother, but he doesn’t really care for her. He acts like she is a burden. Maggie, you don’t see her very often.

Mr. Burns is very rich, and everybody works for him, and he is so selfish. Overall, I like The Simspons becasue they are funny.

Libby

And that’s that.

Emerson says that the fact that we know all that about the characters is precisely what makes them funny. I guess it’s like watching The Office. That show is so politically incorrect… and that’s exactly what makes it hilarious.

This is what takes me to my main point. The Simpsons was not the first thing I introduced my children to, nor has been it what I have filled their minds with. If Libby, an articulate almost 10 year-old, can have such an opinion of the show is because she has a biblical world-view.

My children have a standard for righteousness. They know what is right and what is wrong, and they know (for the most part, I mean, they are still children) how to evaluate the reality to which they are exposed to. Since they were super little we have worked very hardly to expose them to the Scriptures. They understand the gospel, and to the best of our ability, and by God’s grace, we are training them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).

Tom Ascol mentions in the podcast (around minute 21) that the word INSTRUCTION (paideia in Greek) involves that you just don’t give your children facts, but you train them, you inculturate them. You actually instill a way of understanding the thing that you are teaching, and that goes along with Deuteronomy 6:4-9. No subjects are off limits, and of course, you don’t expose them to all the evils in the world, and they don’t have to experience it, but children do need to learn about evil from their parents.

By God’s grace, we have talked with our children about LBGTQ issues, sex, masturbation, pregnancy, rape, pornography, sexting, bestiality, sexual immorality, drunkenness, etc. It is all in the Bible if you are consistenly reading it with them. This has not been done in ONE sitting, and it’s really a long conversation that has happened over the span of many years. Maybe you might think they are too little for that. Libby is 9.5 y.o., and Enzo is almost 8 y.o. I respect your opinion, but I want to challenge you to think through it.

A long time ago, in an article from Focus on the Family, I read that what robs the innocence of a child is NOT the information you give them, but actually the self-discovery of such information, specially if they discover it or experience it in sinful ways.

I am not going to sit down with my child and show him what porn looks like, but I can describe it to him. I can give him wisdom on what to do if such images were ever to pop on a screen. I am not encouraging them to have sex before marriage, but I am going to explain to them the consequences of it. I have many consequences from it that I still carry to this day. And we always go back to the Bible, and what God has said about those issues, and the reasons God has for having set those boundaries for His people. It goes beyond just telling them that sex before marriage is sinful. We have to engage their hearts and explain why.

Government education is secular, it’s humanist. It is committed to train up your child in the way they should go without ever referring to the Lord Jesus Christ.

Jared Longshore

You see, sex in itself is not wrong or evil. Sex is a beautiful thing that God gave married coupes to enjoy each other, and when practiced between a man and a woman who are committed in covenant for life, it speaks to the relationship Jesus has with His Bride – the Church. That’s the kind of intimacy God wants with His children. Marriage is supposed to testify of the loving, long-suffering, compassionate, forgiving God. Jesus would never give up on His Bride, and say, “I am done with you, I don’t love you anymore.”

No! He died for her, He drank the cup of the wrath of God for her. “What then shall we say to these things?” says Paul. “If God is for us, who can be against us? He [God] who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all, how will He not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:31-32)

And that’s why God hates divorce.

So I’m very welcoming of your criticism if you think I’m wrong in talking about these issues with my children. BUT – and this is a big one – IF you have your child enrolled in public school, and you think somehow they are not being exposed to all of the craziness going around in this culture already, then somebody is being naive. And I know it’s not me. Very respectfully I challenge you to think through it. I am not saying you have to homeschool. Maybe you do have to work, and private Christian school is not affordable (even a Christian school can only be Christian in name). I understand that. There are many situations that I don’t know about. I am talking about the parent whose child is in public school, and thinks his children are too young to know about these things. To assume your children are not being exposed to this already, in my opinion, is to be naive at best, and irresponsible at worst.

I think I’ve talked too much already, and haven’t said what I originally intended to say. Oh, well…

My point is this:

If we are to raise godly children whose minds are saturated in the Word of God, then we have to be mothers who first are saturated in the Word of God. We are to be filled in order that we can overflow and fill our children as a result. It is our responsibility. It is our calling.

You know I have been reading Philippians. This morning I was in Philippians 4:8-9: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

I read my commentary, then I went for a walk and I listened to a sermon on it. I am linking the sermon here. It is a great sermon, and actually part of a whole series Pastor John McArthur taught on the book of Philippians. He says, “In order to be spiritual stable you must focus on godly virtues. Spiritual stability is a result of how you think.”

How true is that. As long as we don’t dwell and meditate on God’s Word, then we cannot train our children to do the same, and teach them how to think critically and biblically about the world around them.

I hope the photos of the commentary will help you see what we as mothers should be meditating on, dwelling on, and filling our minds with. You might as well buy it. It is awesome!

SPOILER ALERT: WE MUST DWELL ON GOD’S WORD.

Philippians For You, by Steve Lawson, p. 200

Philippians For You, by Steve Lawson, p. 201
Philippians For You, by Steve Lawson, p. 202

I woke up in the middle of the night to finish typing this. It was around 2:30 a.m., and I couldn’t sleep. “One hour,” I said. “It will only take me one hour to finish.”

It is almost 5 a.m. LOL! Guess I am getting ready for those sleepless nights for when Danny is here 🙂

Rachel Jankovic, on Baptists

This is a very long comment I posted on a Facebook thread . I had to divide it in three parts because FB said it was longer than 8,000 characters LOL!

The comment had to do with a video that Rachel Jankovic, who I really like by the way, posted regarding Parenting. You may want to watch the video here so that you know what my comment was all about. I am just saving it for my own personal records, since Emerson jokes around saying I write Chapter Books instead of texts.

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Somebody commented that my words had blessed her, and that meant a lot. My friend Katey from church also commented on it. You might think I’m just babbling, but the fact that women can actually interact with each other in conversations like this is proof that:

  1. Women are super smart. Not that I was doubting it, but many seem to assume we want to talk about our feelings all the time, having it all dumbed down, and therefore, many Women’s Ministries in the Church just exist to give us milk – or less than milk. We want meat. Although I can’t generalize, I can say that there are many women who want solid teaching – not weak sauce. Also, lest you misinterpret me, my smarts don’t give me the right to disobey the Lord, and therefore preach on Sunday morning or exercise authority over men. Let’s be perfectly clear about that.
  2. Women (and I will argue Moms) need theology. We need theology to raise our children. We need theology when our children get sick, when our children disobey for the hundredth time of the day, or when our husband dies. We need to constantly be looking to Jesus – the founder and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:1-2).

I wish I can explain every single one of my points here, but I can’t. Also, if you happen to be reading and I sound like I am talking Chinese, take heart. This also would have sounded like Chinese to me five years ago. I just want to encourage you to know there are wonderful resources out there, and I hope I can link some of those at the end.

So watch the video first. And here we go:

I began reading about Covenant Theology because the Presbys (on a Presbyterian meme page) were always making fun of the Reformed Baptists saying we cannot be really Reformed. Which granted, being Reformed in your Soteriology (aka, you are Calvinist) doesn’t mean you’re thoroughly Reformed. Like say, John Piper is Calvinist, but he is not Reformed. 

And I think Rachel is coming on this video with her understanding of Covenant Theology as a Presbyterian, and how their children are to be considered part of the Covenant. In my understanding, a truly converted Presbyterian couple is in the Covenant, right? Therefore, they baptize their babies assuming that their children are IN the Covenant, too. They do this just the way parents circumcised their children in the Old Testament. Parents in the OT assumed their children were part of the Covenant God made with Israel. Eventually, though, those parents had to recognize that a child of Israel may not be a true Israelite. This is exactly the point Paul is making in Romans 9 – that not all Israel is Israel. There was a true Israel within visible, ethnic Israel. I think that’s why Rachel says that eventually they would have to kick them out of fellowship if the children show no signs of true conversion. So I think that’s her presupposition to begin with since she’s Presbyterian. 

So I got angry at the memes 😂😂 and I bought a book that’s published by Founders Ministries written from a Reformed Baptist Covenant Theology perspective. After reading that book, I understood my position even better. The book gave words to what I actually believe because I have seen it in the Scriptures. The way I see Covenant Theology as a Reformed Baptist is very different than Rachel’s, and there’s no way I can elaborate on the whole book, LOL! 

But as I understand, the New Covenant was bought by Jesus’ blood. That means God made a Convent with His Son in eternity past (Covenant of Redemption) in which the Son would come to buy A people. Now, that developed in history in different dispensations, if you want to call them that, but the people is A people from every nation, and tongue, and there is no way that you know someone is IN the New Covenant unless that person repents and puts faith in Chrsit.

That CALLING happens in time, but it was PREDESTINED in eternity past. So if Chrsit bought you by His blood, you ARE in the New Covenant – you are CHOSEN (that’s precisely the L in TULIP), even though it takes time for you to realize that. So in that sense, I have always been a sheep. It’s not that I was a goat, and then I became a sheep. I have always been a sheep, but I had never HEARD Jesus’ voice calling me until I was 23 y.o. – that’s the language John uses in John 10.

So Chrsit did not die to make my salvation depending on my “free will” a mere possibility, but He actually bought my faith and my repentance at the cross, to make sure that I would eventually come (which is the I in TULIP). The father gave A people to the Son and those and only those will come. Those are the ELECT. That’s why Jesus said those who the Father gives to me will come to me… that’s why Jesus said to the Pharisees that they were not His sheep, and the reason they didn’t believe is not because they didn’t see, but because even though the saw everything he was doing, they were not of His sheep, and therefore didn’t believe. 

That’s just the beginning of my argument LOL!

So THAT being said, I can’t assume my children are IN the Covenant. Given my understanding on Covenant Theology, and what the New Covenant represents, I can’t assume my children are IN that Covenant unless they profess faith in Chrsit. She seems to assume her children are IN the Covenant. So we have to disagree on that. Not on whether or not the children are ELECT (they might as well be), but whether or not we can assume they are.

But I do see her point, because when I realized TULIP was biblical, I was enraged. And for a long time I was in the cage stage, which happened at the same time that Enzo was at his worst, and so it was very tempting for me to say, “This child is a reprobate” LOL! 

I was not saying, “This child is unregenerate.” I was given to despair and doubt and saying he was not of the elect since I didn’t see any fruit in him at all. Maybe, and I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt on that, that’s what she’s talking about. Maybe she’s talking about Baptist parents who see their children do not produce fruit right away, and they give up as in “You are not saved, you‘re never gonna be saved”.

I was always thinking, “Are they saved? They sinned again, even though the say they believe. Maybe they are not truly Christians, blah, blah…” And it was exhausting, because I was always crying. Maybe that’s what she is referring to. 

Fast forward, God has worked in my heart to know that their ELECTION into the New Covenant is not my choice, nor their choice, but His choice. I’m sure Rachel will agree with that. I feel more comfortable teaching the children from the Scriptures all these realities and saying to them, “Look, God bought A people, and I pray and pray that you are part of those people. But the only thing I can do is share the gospel with you and call you to repentance. I can’t change your heart. I can’t give you light, I can’t open your eyes. When you sin, I can’t see whether o not the Holy Spirit is in you, but I’m calling you to examine yourselves.”

I am sure Rachel will also agree with that. I personally don’t think I am putting doubt in their minds. Yes, I was doubting as a parent, but not anymore. I know their salvation is not of me, and therefore I can’t assume it either just because I am raising them in a Christian household.

I am pregnant, right? As I see the Scriptures, this baby in my womb is an enemy of God. He is going to be born as a God-hater. He already is. Like, you don’t have to go far to know they will disobey, and they will rebel, right? 

Libby was listening to pastor Bray like a month ago, and at the end of the sermon she broke down crying cause I think she put 2+2 together, and said, “What if Baby is not of the elect? It’s right there in the Scriptures, Mommy. It’s a true possibility.”

And Pastor John called her and said, “That’s is true. BUT I have a lot of hope for Baby Daniel because God works through means. He calls His people though the proclamation of the gospel, and I’m sure that Baby Daniel will hear the gospel since Day 1. He has already been hearing the gospel, and you are praying for him, too. Baby Daniel has already an advantage over many other children in the world, because he is born into a family who loves the Lord, a family who will read him the Bible, a family who will pray for his salvation. So while we don’t know for sure, we have many reasons to rejoice and hope that God will indeed save him.”

But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna baptize Daniel just on the assumption that God will CALL him, you know what I mean? 

I agree with her in everything – almost. But I disagree with her first comment that I am teaching my children to doubt Chrsit. On the contrary, I think I am teaching my children to be realistic about their spiritual condition. I am teaching them to examine themselves to see if they are in the faith,  and trust that if Chrsit is really IN them, then the Holy Spirit will testify TO THEM (not to me) that they are children of God.

If Chrsit is IN them, they will love Christ, they will experience conviction of sin, they will weep when their Lord is blasphemed, they will love God’s people. I have grown in this area, too. God has testified to MY Spirit that I am saved, that I am truly one of the Elect. You can know you are one of God’s chosen ones. People who misunderstand Calvinism always attack this issue. And I’m not saying this in pride, but you can actually know you are CHOSEN because the Scriptures teach us to see these beautiful realities. God did not reveal these doctrines so that we will be doubting, but so that we can be confident and be assured of our salvation, knowing that what He starts, He finishes (the P in TULIP). 

I can say, “Well, Rachel, you are teaching your children to over confide in Chrsit because of their baptism.”

She seems to assume that 1 John, and walking in the light means salvation or fellowship with God. The child in my womb is in darkness, he is dead in sin and trespasses. Until God raises him from the death and grants him repentance and faith, he is blind, he is of the devil. He has a heart of stone, not a heart of flesh. Those are Scriptures terms, not mine. If you know your Bible, you know those verses.

Does Rachel mean I am still called to love that child dearly, and teach him the LAW so that they can say, “My family loves the Lord and they are teaching me how to obey the Lord.”? 

If she means that by being in fellowship, then yes, I am raising my children that way. I am not only gonna teach my 2 year-old, that He is God’s enemy and that God hates evil doers, therefore God hates him – although that is true to some extent (Psalm 5, Romans 5). But I am also going to teach him that God died for His enemies, and for those who hated Him, that God is full of compassion.

So I have to preach the FULL gospel. Am I making sense? I am not going to wait until my child has a conversion experience to teach him Law and Gospel, or to teach him that breaking God’s Law will bring punishment. However, all the teaching, I will be doing it that under the assumption that all my toiling work is like planting seeds. I can’t assume God will bring the rain. But while I can’t have the assurance that the Lord will bring salvation, I can be faithful as a parent, and do MY part. I can preach the gospel, take the weeds out when I see them, pray for them, raise them in His ways, and then IF the Lord chooses to bring down the rain, everything is already in place. I toiled for it, and He gave me the perseverance in doing it, but bringing down the rain is still His choice.

I am not NOT going to do all these things just because I don’t know if the Lord WILL. My job as a mom is to do ALL those things, for His glory, even if HE does not save them. As painful as it might be, I know I will still hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant” because it is about MY faithfulness in doing what He required of me as a parent. My faithfulness has nothing to do with whether He saves them or not.

When she mentions Ephesians 6, I agree. I am training them in His ways, and I don’t even have to assume their salvation. I am training them, and I do it with joy. I am not gonna raise Daniel telling him he’s not chosen or that he might as well not even obey cause who knows if he is one of the elect. I will teach him to love the Lord, and to sing praises to Him. I’ll teach him that God is good, and compassionate, and kind and faithful, and mighty – and HOLY. 

So who knows the kind of Baptists she is talking about. LOL! 

Libby and Enzo will officially be recognized as part of the church if they get baptized and begin having the Lord’s Supper. We were doing Lord’s Supper with them until Pastor Bray told us that was not biblical since they had not been baptized. He also explained us why. Even if they are baptized, and they continue to live in sin, Pastor Bray will withhold the Lord’s Supper from them, and will start church discipline. So Baptists, we also remove people from fellowship. I am shepherding my children to be about Christ – their whole identity. But even though they are being raised as part of the visible church, I cannot assume they are or will be part of the actual Bride. Does that makes sense? 

There’s a danger on her side, too. She can see her children sin, and assume they are believers because she’s training them that way, and they really aren’t, so she will have to remove them at some point. We, as Reformed Baptists, will remove them, too – even though they are baptized later. We will excommunicate them, until they repent, and then we vote to bring them according to Matthew 18. I mean, the process doesn’t have to go that far. It can stop short of removing them from the church if they repent.

Anyhow, that’s why I am in agreement that faithful parents, either Presbyterian or Baptist, can look very similar. I will say I am in that category in which both parents eventually will have to get them out of the church if they continue to walk in sin.

I am glad she mentioned the dangers of her position with parents who baptized them and never deal with the sin in their children, or Baptists who might assume a child cannot know the love of Christ. I would say, my children may not totally understand everything, but my job as a mom is to show them Christ in my parenting: grace, faithfulness, discipline, etc.

Maybe by KNOWING Christ, she means teaching them to love Christ?

Again, I don’t believe my baptized infant child knows Christ, because you actually KNOW Chrsit until you come to him in repentance and faith. 

Also, sinning does not equate not knowing Christ, if it did, then I don’t know Christ because I sin everyday. So maybe she’s talking about the parent who’s obsessed with their child walking in obedience always. Like the parent that wants perfection in their children, and freaks out when they are not perfect, and therefore doubts their salvation?

I agree, I am a sheepdog, bringing them back. Spanking them is how I bring them back LOL! One of the many ways anyway… so I do see her point.

I do believe she may have painted with a broad brush putting all Baptists in her category of how Baptists raise their children. Maybe she should hang out with us, cause we are Reformed Baptists, who are also Covenantal, although the memes might disagree. 

I’m gonna stop right there. It took me very long. Sorry about that! But this is a public forum, and I officially said I disagree with Rachel Jankovic… I needed to explain at least why.

I honestly like her a lot. I don’t think she meant wrong. I think she may have assumed many things about Baptists, in which case, she needs better Baptist friends, or actually, she needs Reformed Baptist friends, LOL!

THE END

RESOURCES

Those are not all, but it is a good place to start 🙂

On memorizing Scripture

The children and I have been working on memorizing big chunks of Scripture lately. I found that Libby was able to memorize a ton of stuff one day when she came back from school. She quoted this “prophecy” from a book about dragons she was reading with her friend in second grade.

The Lost Continent

Turn your eyes, your wings, your fire

To the land across the sea

Where dragons are poisoned and dragons are dying

And no one can ever be free.

A secret lurks inside their eggs.

A secret hides within their book.

A secret buried far below

May save those brave enough to look.

Open your hearts, your minds, your wings

To the dragons who flee from the Hive.

Face a great evil with talons united

or none of the tribes will survive

Wings of Fire Series

When I heard her reciting all that without skipping a beat, I thought, “And here I am thinking you should only memorize one cute little Bible verse at the time.”

Last year – I kid you not – the three of us memorized Genesis 1. The whole chapter. It took us like a month. But like they said, Use It or Loose It.  We lost it. So this year, I’m trying to strategize better.

What we do is that I read the section we are to memorize. I explain it to them word by word so they know what it means, and get familiar with the context. Then we memorize one or two verses, depending on how long they are. The next day we go back to the verses we already know, we recite them again, and we memorize a new one. And we keep on going like that until we finish the section.

I got this idea from a podcast that you can listen to right here. I have modified this method to the way my brain works, because I memorize better by reading the text, instead of by listening to the text.

Enzo is a listener, but Libby has to see what she is memorizing. Somehow the Lord is working it all out for us. This school year, I am happy to say we haven’t lost anything so far. We are spending time reviewing the verses that we had already memorized every ten days or so. As a reward for reciting them all, I give them extra time watching shows or candy.

They will do anything for extra candy.

Doing this seems like a lot of work, and it might be, but this method has actually been very helpful for us – even for Enzo – who is the most distracted 8 year-old that I know. He is a boy. He is always moving and jumping around. He seems to never be paying attention, and this drives me crazy. I just want him to sit down and listen – without even blinking. But in these eleven weeks of school, we have memorized Psalm 1, Philippians 2:3-11, Philippians 3:1-11, and Philippians 4:4-9.

In my own personal time I have memorized the first chapter of Philippians and Philippians 2:1-16ish. And I’m stuck there because I am not disciplined.

If you take the time to listen to the podcast, this women will say that memorizing Scripture this way is very powerful. It has served them well in counseling women. When you have stored in your heart not just one verse here, or one verse there – but whole sections of the Bible – you will be better equipped to pray for others, pray for yourself, and for understanding the context of a given Bible verse.

Consider this example from social media:

KJV Bibles Store on Twitter: ""God is in the midst of her; she shall not be  moved: God shall help her, and that right early." Psalm 46:5 #KJV  #bibleverse… https://t.co/MuhmSQgQFG"

It is true. It’s in the Bible, so I believe it. An image like that, however, may make the reader think that the SHE in this Bible verse is talking about a woman. We, women, want to be strong. We don’t want to be moved. Some Bible versions say WITHIN HER, so that works out even better to convey the message, I guess.

God is in ME [within ME], therefore I shall not be moved. 

When you go read Psalm 46, though, you will realize that the SHE in verse 5 is not talking about YOU – an individual woman in need of self-confidence.

Psalm 46 talks about God being the refuge and strength for those in trouble. It encourages us not to fear though the earth gives way or though the mountains move into the heart of the sea. And why shouldn’t we fear? We don’t fear because the holy city of God is inhabited by Him. God is in the midst of HER (the city), and SHE (the city) shall not be moved. God will help HER (the city) when morning dawns (Psalm 46:4-5).

I am willing to be corrected if I am wrong. I just find it extremely hard to believe Martin Luther  wrote A Mighty Fortress Is Our God while thinking about a woman.

As Dr. Steve Lawson writes in his blog:

It was 1527, and the bubonic plague was sweeping through Europe. This vicious epidemic brutally struck the country of Germany.  A large number of deaths occurred because of the plague. People were living in fear. Many were escaping town in search of safety. The issue for Luther was: should he flee for the health of his family and his own preservation?  Or should he stay and minister to those who remained and expose himself to the deadly disease?

Luther made the difficult decision to stay in order to shepherd the German people. With his wife Katy, Luther turned their house into a hospital for the dying. Tragically, their young three-year-old son Hans contracted the disease and nearly died. During this season, Luther became so overwhelmed mentally and emotionally that he fainted at the dinner table more than once and had to be carried to his bed.

It was in the middle of this grim situation that Luther anchored himself to Psalm 46. In a time of weakness and pestilence, Luther wrote “A Mighty Fortress is our God” as a testimony to the strength he found in the Lord Himself. One of the verses of this famous hymn reads, “A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing/Our helper, He amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing.”

It was Psalm 46 that gave Luther the inner strength he needed during this devastating plague. This psalm begins, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (verse 1). Here, we see two profound truths, that God is both all-powerful and all-present.

As the psalmist writes this, the city of Jerusalem is surrounded by enemy forces, undergoing a siege. There was a very-present threat––foreign armies that threatened Israel’s very existence. God was ultimately the walled fortress around the psalmist, protecting, preserving, and empowering him.

The same is true in our lives. God remains our refuge and our strength. It is in times of our weakness when we should turn to Him with the greatest trust. God is all-powerful, and He ever promises to uphold us. 

So, can this be applied to me as a woman? Sure. And it can also be applied to a man because, again, the psalmist is talking of HER as the people of God. THEY shall not be moved. You can see the application of Psalm 46:5 here.

So when I see images like that on social media, I really struggle in assuming the best of people. Who knows who makes those images, right? But I see them everywhere. There are so many false teachers who love to make us, women, the center of the universe when we are not. GOD IS.

In short, this is why we are memorizing big chunks of Scripture this year. We want to honor the Word of God, and that includes not twisting it to satisfy our fleshly passions.

I was hoping to go into how memorizing Scripture this way has been particularly helpful for me as I am studying the Book of Philippians with a commentary in the mornings. But I guess I will have to write another post on why we should go hard after Christ.

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.

Philippians 3:12

Cleopatra, Caesar and Jesus

This is probably a very silly post, so you have the right to stop reading now.

I was having a conversation with my husband during lunch today and I was so excited talking to him about the History lessons I am having with the children. My husband was not amused. Long story short… Rome was a Republic governed by two consuls at the same time. In our time line – 60 B.C. – those two men were Crassus and Pompey.

These two men had a lot of disputes. Then, cunningly, another man joined a coalition with them (known as the First Triumvirate). This man was Julius Caesar. Julius Caesar – who was actually Pompey’s father-in-law – becomes a great military leader, and eventually, scares Pompey to fled to Egypt. Crassus is dead by then, and so Julius Caesar becomes the dictator Rome never wanted.  This happened in 49 B.C.

Only some years earlier, Ptolemy Auletes, was one of last rulers of the line of Ptolemy. The Ptolemites were one of the four families who took over Alexander the Great’s Empire. Ptolemy Auletes was actually Cleopatra’s father. So Cleopatra was not even Egyptian. I did not know that!!

So Cleopatra is a cunning, manipulative 18 year-old who is only looking for a way to gain power. She was beautiful, she spoke many languages – whatever, she used men to her advantage. She marries her brother to become queen. Brother dies? No problem! She marries the next brother. So when her dad sees they are in trouble in Macedonia, he decides to ask for help from Rome. And who is the power of Rome of that time? Julius Caesar.

So when Caesar is chasing Pompey, he ends up in Alexandria, and that’s how he meets Cleopatra, who is 21, and he is in his fifties, and they become crazily in love and what not. Stupid idiot. I’m still very upset about this. Don’t care about her delivering herself  to him in a carpet showing determination.

Fine. Julius Caesar spends all his time in Egypt with his new lover, but then gets killed by a mob of senators who stabbed him up to 35 times, many of them his closest “friends”. Then Rome forms the Second Triumvirate with Lepidus, Octavian and Mark Antony. Lepidus is kicked out of power, and the other two do not have a great relationship with each other. To add more drama to the tale, Octavian’s sister was Mark Antony’s wife.

 And I’m super pumped telling my husband the story, right?

Why are you so excited about this? You are supposed to know this. I learned this in middle school, Karla.

Well, I didn’t. And if I did, I forgot. LOL!

Okay, so. Caesar is dead, Cleopatra is all alone, and her dreams of becoming a great ruler come to a halt. Mark Antony and Octavian after their many disagreements decide to divide the land, and Mark Antony gets to rule over the East – which includes Egypt.  So he decides to visit Cleopatra, and in an elaborate display of wealth, she travels on a golden ship, with purple sails and silver oars. By using her perfumes and with music filling the air and young boys fanning her, she catches the eye of Mark Antony, and he falls in love with her. He marries her in 37 B.C., abandoning his wife. Another stupid idiot. SMH.

We have had History five times a week this week just so that I can read the end of the story. I seriously told my husband I wanted to read her end, that I was hoping she would die a terrible death. I think I was still very upset at all the pain she definitely caused. I am thinking of the wives. Even if there were political marriages, and there were no feelings involved in these marriages… I mean, the humiliation. So I went ahead and finished the lessons by myself.

If I were Octavian, I would be livid. Mark Antony left my sister for another woman, and on top of that he seems to be more loyal to her and to Egypt that to Rome and his people. The guy even walks behind her chariot like her servant. Heck, no! Mark Antony and her Cleopatra have got to go.  So yes, Octavian accused Mark Antony of treason – which was technically true. So Octavian declares war against Cleopatra.

So Mark Antony has the support of Cleopatra and her navy against Octavian, and history records that as Octavian’s ships appeared to overtake Antony’s, Cleopatra panicked. With her gold and purple ship, and with her fleet of 60 warships, she started to sail away. And when Mark Antony sees this, he abandons his own men to run after her. He leaves behind 19 legions of foot soldiers (that is 19 x 6,000 men), and 12,000 men on horse only to sail after her!

I was livid reading this. Poor Mark Antony sat down alone, below deck, buried with his face in his hands. What a coward!

 

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So Octavian, obviously hunted them both down. At some point Mark Antony thought she was dead, so he tried to kill himself, but was taken to her side before he died in her arms. Ugh. Spare me.

Octavian, of course, conquered Alexandria, and this woman, tries to win his heart, just like she did with Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. I told the children before I knew all this, that she didn’t love anyone, but herself, and that her actions reminded me of the prostitute in Proverbs. But, man, I cannot wait to see the children’s faces when I tell them all these details.

So pretending to cooperate with Octavian, Cleopatra asks him to allow her to visit Mark Antony’s tomb, and after perfuming herself and what not, she kills herself, and gets buried next to Mark Antony. Ugh. Spare me, again.

So that’s just the background for my post. LOL! No, seriously.

As I was reading the fate of this woman, and the whole drama of all these lives, I was pretty impressed with Octavian. He literally became the hero in my eyes because he didn’t fall for her. Call me silly. So I kept on reading about him. He was the great-nephew of Julius Caesar who had written in his will that Octavian would be his adopted heir. So Octavian becomes a dictator, but a good one, in a sense. He actually worked with the senators, who ended up giving him the name of “emperor”, and called him Augustus. He also adopted the name of Caesar, in honor of Julius Caesar. So he was known as Caesar Augustus.

And for the first time in all this saga, I was like, “Oh, I’ve head that name before”. And then it hit me.

In those days a decree went out from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be registered.  This was the first registration when Quirinius was governor of Syria.  And all went to be registered, each to his own town. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, from the town of Nazareth, to Judea, to the city of David, which is called Bethlehem, because he was of the house and lineage of David, to be registered with Mary, his betrothed, who was with child. And while they were there, the time came for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in swaddling cloths and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

– Luke 2:1-7

This is the Caesar Augustus who ordered the census that brought Mary and Joseph all the way from Galilee to Bethlehem.

I mean, “Who writes this stuff?,” I asked myself. And automatically, my answer was, “God does. He writes history.”

The birth of Jesus was not an afterthought in the mind of the Creator. It happened that way not because Caesar knew he was an instrument of God in bringing a prophecy to come about, but he actually did. The Messiah had to be born in Bethlehem (Micah 5:2). God has always used rulers to accomplish His purposes. We see it with Moses and Pharaoh, and Nebuchadnezzar, Cyrus and all those prophecies being fulfilled over and over. By the way, you should check out the Mystery of History I, if you are interested in learning the Bible chronologically, and understand all the prophets and how they all come together. It’s a wonderful resource. I loved it this year. It puts together everything happening around the world at the same time that say, Ezra is coming back from Babylon.

So, if you are a Christian, I hope you already know this, but our faith even though experiential in nature, is not based on feelings or experiences, but in truth. The Bible is authoritative in itself, and claims to be the only truth. I believe that. The Bible is sufficient. At the same time, we also have all these incredible amount of historical data that anchors our faith within a very clear historical background that only gives us more confidence.

Just studying Homer and Plato this year in History, we found out there is no other document in history that compares to the New Testament when it comes to manuscript reliability – meaning no one has altered the text. And I think I have posted somewhere else about Textual Criticism. It is just a myth that the Bible has been corrupted over the years. A myth that Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, and Muslims all love alike. They love it because without it, their religions crumble to the ground.

So this lesson on Cleopatra ended up really opening my eyes to this truth again, and it is beautiful: I can trust the God who governs the universe. 

Who writes this stuff? God does. I forget. I forget that God is in control of History. I forget He has already written my history, too, and although it is unfolding I can trust that He wants His glory and my good because I am His child and He loves me.

In this COVID-19 season, I am just thankful that God is not a God of chance. God is not trying to hold it all together, making His best attempt to juggle His wishes and balancing it all out with the choices He foresees humans taking in the future.

Who ordained Caesar Augustus to command a census? God did.

God is in control of History. I have loved studying with the children about Assyria, and Babylon, and Alexander the Great, and now Cleopatra and Caesar Augustus. I am thankful I don’t have to trust my gut or my feelings, but that I can trust His word, and I that I know the One who rules the universe, and the best thing is that He knows me. He loves me. He  has loved me before He created the world.

These are some Scriptures that have encouraged me over the years, but the one from Isaiah is my favorite. There is a wonderful article about it here. 

Matthew 10:29-31 “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

Proverbs 16:33 “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the LORD.”

Job 42:2 “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.”

Isaiah 46:8-11

“Remember this, keep it in mind,
    take it to heart, you rebels.
 Remember the former things, those of long ago;
    I am God, and there is no other;
    I am God, and there is none like me.
 I make known the end from the beginning,
    from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say, ‘My purpose will stand,
    and I will do all that I please.’
 From the east I summon a bird of prey;
    from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that I will bring about;
    what I have planned, that I will do.