Jesus

Not fair...

Not fair – Part 2

“Aren’t you afraid?”, I asked my husband. “I know you are sick of me with all this, but I need to hear from you. What do you think? Don’t you care about going to hell?”

Sweetheart, you are looking for something that you will NOT find. You are looking for proof that what you believe is true. You won’t find that. The only thing you will find is information that will enable you to make a decision – a sensible choice. I made a choice a long time ago to follow Jesus. I read and I chose. Can I prove it? No, but I still choose to believe it. That’s faith. Go running, it will help you clear your mind…

He is right, you know. I don’t know how it happened but I have committed so much of my time to find information about Islam and Christianity for the last six months. It probably started after the Bible-corruption talk I had with my Muslims. They are my Muslims and they will always be. But my husband is right. I will never be certain of anything. These things are not very likely to be settled scientifically. All I can do then is to make an informed decision. If I end up going to hell, I cannot blame anybody but me, I guess.

A Muslim is a person who submits to God. Any human can be a Muslim if he believes in one and only one God AND he leads a good life by submitting to that one God.

A non-Muslim, by definition, is a person who does not recognize God as a Sovereign Law giver Who rewards the good and punishes the bad.

OnIslam.net

The duty of Muslims is to do more good deeds and minimize evil deeds. That’s how they hope to attain salvation. Again, bear in mind, only in general terms. So on the Day of Judgment, Allah will judge them and ask them about each single deed that they did in this world. If the scale of good deeds exceeds the bad deeds, by Allah’s mercy they will enter Paradise.

Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. He who has intended a good deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over. But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed

– Prophet Muhammad

Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim

In Islam actions are judged on the basis of intentions. Bad actions are not necessarily bad. Actually, good intentions in themselves have become good because they are based on the right philosophy or the right belief. Personally, I don’t think that would fly with the Jesus of the Bible. They might fly with the Muslim Jesus in the Quran, but not with my Jewish Husband. I have been so angry with my children that I have felt like throwing them out of the window. That is murder according to the Jewish Jesus.

When Jesus walked on this earth, He elevated the standard of morality to a higher level than The Law of Moses. In Matthew 5:22, Jesus says that you shall be subjected to penalty (bound, guilty) if you get the kind of anger (irritation) that focuses on punishing your offender rather than punishing the moral content of the offense (that’s me with my children). Not only that, if in contempt you call someone a moron, a fool, a stupid idiot – anything that puts into question his “brains” – you are risking going to gehenna (hell). Keep in mind that Jesus is talking to his twelve closest men, and to a whole crowd of people.

I am telling you people, following Jesus is creeping me out. This is a Jesus I had never seen in these eight years. This man is NOT a pushover. But then He forgives, and says that there is no greater love but to give your life for your friends, and He dies willingly. So Jesus calls you out when you sin, but then He dies for it. I think trying to explain how He embodied grace AND truth is impossible for me as a human being.

According to Islam, though, even if I felt like killing and thought about it many times, it doesn’t count as a bad deed. It actually counts as a good one because I didn’t follow through with the murder. Of course I was confused, so I asked my friends. They told me to read the Quran first, and to stop messing with the hadiths. Haven’t they realized they got me into this to start with?

 So to make things clearer: Muslims follow the Quran, the Sunnah and the hadiths.

  1. The Quran is their Holy Book.
  2. The Sunnah are the religious practices that were established by the Prophet among his companions, and have passed to them by the consensus of generations.
  3. The hadiths are narrations that are attributed to the companions of the Prophet who narrate a statement or a story about Muhammad or related to him.

According to some Muslims, the Quran and the Sunnah remain as their primary sources to understand Islam. But there are other Muslims who only follow the Quran and disregard the Sunnah, so you see them arguing on the web about this. These arguments do not even include the hadiths. There is a whole process for determining if the hadith is authentic or not. But a good rule of thumb is to go with Sahih al-Bukhari since it is recognized by the overwhelming majority of the Muslim world to be the most authentic collection of sayings of Prophet Muhammad. After that, Sahih Muslim is the second best collection. So for now, I’m sticking to those.

He who obeys the Messenger [Mohammad] has obeyed Allah

– Quran 4:80

Were am I going with all this? Well, it has actually crossed my mind the idea that if Islam is the true religion, I have to dump Jesus as my Savior, acknowledge Him only as a prophet, and embrace the Seal of the Prophets: Muhammad. If I am going to be a Muslimah, I’m gonna have to give it my best shot because No Savior means it all depends on me. My salvation rests on my shoulders, and of course, Allah’s mercy.

As I’ve seen, though, there is no consistency in how Allah punishes sin. Sometimes He wipes it all away, sometimes He does keep track of your wrong doings. This, of course, has me all confused because Allah in the Quran does not display the same character that Allah in the Bible displays (which has given me headaches for the last 6+ months). Seriously, it is hard to keep track of my children on an everyday basis, how am I supposed to keep track of my deeds with God?

Whoever says, ‘Subhan Allah wa bihamdihi,’ one hundred times a day, will be forgiven all his sins even if they were as much as the foam of the sea.

Sahih al-Bukhari

Whoever says, ‘La ilaha illal-lah wahdahu la sharika lahu, lahu-l-mulk wa lahul- hamd wa huwa ‘ala kulli shai’in qadir,’ one hundred times will get the same reward as given for manumitting ten slaves; and one hundred good deeds will be written in his accounts, and one hundred sins will be deducted from his accounts

Sahih al-Bukhari

Allah can do whatever He wants because He is God. God is God. The One and Only True God that Muslims, Christians and Jews worship according to Quran 29:46. So I think I owe it to myself to learn from Prophet Muhammad. It only makes sense that if he is a beautiful pattern of conduct (Quran 33:21) then I have to evaluate whether or not I want to sign up for Islam.

I am questioning things. I have to dissect the Jewish Jesus, the Muslim Jesus, Christianity, Islam, Muhammad, even Judaism and reincarnation. Anything goes in my search for truth, and I am telling you, it is NOT fair.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Not fair...

Not fair – Part 1

Now that my life is spinning around the internet researching for stuff, I have stumbled over the subject of Jesus as the ONLY way to heaven. Most people think it is unfair. Let’s say it is. I agree. It is unfair. It is very narrow. What I would like to know is exactly what fairness is. I cannot speak for everybody because I cannot know the heart of every single person in the world, so I will just speak for myself.

The very fist time I heard about a guy named Jesus had died for my sins, and that He loved me so much He wanted to help me with my life was when I was 12. I vaguely remember a friend of mine inviting me to this Protestant church in Mexico. Mostly I was hanging out with him, and then his parents took us with them to church. I don’t know how I ended up there, but I did. After the message, a gentleman asked us if we wanted to know more about Jesus. I raised my hand, but when someone came to talk to me, they saw that my parents were not there. They said they could not talk to me about Jesus because I was not with a responsible adult. Apparently, I needed my parent’s permission to hear the gospel [sarcasm].

Then, at age 20, a friend from high school invited me to church again. He told me about a guy named Jesus being amazing. My friend told me how he was a new person, and how this Jesus had rescued him from his sins and whatnot. Keep in mind I was Catholic, alright? I had been baptized as a baby. I was Christian. Is that what being a Christian means? Anyway… my friend stopped inviting me after I said no many times. It was wonderful that he had seen the light, I was just not interested.

My point is this. Of all the people who say Christianity is too narrow, that it is unfair that a loving God would only choose a person – Jesus – as the ONLY way to come to Him… Of all the people who refuse to come because the gate is too narrow… How many of those people really want to enter?  I ask because the narrow door was just an excuse in my case. The truth is I did not want to enter. I was very comfortable sleeping around. I might have known deep down inside me that God knew better and that having sex like I had candy was not good for me.  But who the heck cared? I liked it!

If you told me back then that the gate was too narrow and that the ONLY way to come to the Father was through Jesus, I would have objected. Of course. I would have made plenty of excuses. I’m happy Jesus works for you, but it’s not for me. I don’t think it’s a sin to have sex with my boyfriend, you know. After all, if we love each other, then it’s okay. It is not a sin if it’s done with love. I need to clean up my act before coming to God. Besides, it is unfair to other people. The way to the Father is too narrow. Why ONLY Jesus? 

You name my excuse, I would have given it to you. I knew there were things that might have been wrong with my life, but it was okay. I was happy. I never felt broken. Not all the time anyway. Sometimes I did feel lonely, but then I would just sleep around some more, and my loneliness went away. But my burden, my load, began feeling really heavy. I don’t know how it became heavy or when, I just felt really tired.

Being a disciple, a follower of Jesus, requires sacrifice. I wish I could tell you I am a disciple. For the most part, I am  trying to follow Him. But now that I am reading all this, and even doing a little bit of Greek here and there to understand the New Testament in its original language, I am scared of Jesus. I had always been like Jesus, Jesus, lovely Jesus, softy Jesus, but you don’t mess with Jesus. He said that if you wanted to be his disciple (to go after Him) you would have to deny (to disown, to repudiate, to ignore) yourself, to take up your cross, and follow Him. He doesn’t sound like a pushover. If the guy really died out of love for you, it is only fair He would demand obedience from His followers. The gift of salvation is free for anybody who wants to take it. But free doesn’t mean cheap. 

So I rejected the offer many times, mainly because I had no idea what the offer was. Tell you what, tough, unconditional love… you don’t walk away from that. I just couldn’t. So one day, I decided to walk through the narrow gate. I wish I could tell you I had objection for the door being too narrow, but I didn’t have excuses anymore. I had tried many things, but nothing seemed to change. So why not? I gave Jesus a shot. In faith, I asked God to help me change my ways, and my heart. I was ready for Him to do whatever He needed to do, I was done trying to figure out life on my own. And He kept His word. He helped.

But last night I couldn’t sleep at all. I was afraid. I was afraid I am going to hell for believing in Jesus as my Savior. I have been reading my Quran too much, you see, trying to make sense of all this. My Muslim friends told me to read it if I wanted to understand their religion. All this time, though, my husband has probably gotten the worst part. I talk constantly about all these things, about all I am finding out, about all the debates I’ve watched, and the latest news on Jewish and Islamic websites.

I know my husband loves me, but this definitely is not something he enjoys talking about – at least not for hours, like me. Hence, the blog. This morning I asked him, crying, if he was not afraid of going to hell for having confessed Jesus as His Lord and Savior eight years ago.

Seriously? We are going on vacation tomorrow. I am taking you to the beach for the first time in eight years. WE HAVE NEVER GONE TO THE BEACH. Do we have to talk about hell right now? Can you just disconnect your brain from all this until we come back?

– Dear Husband

Yep… that’s my husband right there. All our closest friends know this is him. He kept on talking.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Fear of death

Fear

I have only been VERY afraid three times in my life. You know, that kind of fear that overtakes you and you cannot sleep. The first time it was when I thought I had cervical cancer. I had been diagnosed with HPV, and the possibility of developing cancer was there. My mind is a very powerful mind. It takes me places where I know I shouldn’t go. It was fear what made me think I might have cancer. I went through a cryosurgery, and the lesions were taken care of. Ever since then, I have a very healthy cervix. I am not afraid anymore. But if I have to be honest with myself, when the time for my yearly pap-smear comes, I always grow anxious until I see it’s negative.

The second time I was very scared was when I didn’t feel my first child moving anymore around 30 weeks into the pregnancy. We rushed to the hospital and I was given steroids in case the baby had to be taken out. My amniotic fluid was at a very low-level, and I remember feeling alone. We decided not to tell our parents mostly because they were a thousand miles away from Houston. Literally. They were in Mexico City.  But I remember a sweet woman who came to the hospital to pray for me. At that time, we were doing a 30 week study of the Book of Isaiah. I was so afraid lying down in my hospital bed when she began praying over me. She did not pray for my baby to be healthy. She did not pray for my baby to stay inside my uterus. She did not pray for everything to be the way I wanted it. She prayed for God’s will to be done. Up to this day, that prayer has been the most difficult – and the most beautiful – I had been prayed over.

That day I realized that if I was going to follow the God of Israel, I had to agree with Him in many things, whether I understood them or not, whether I liked them or not. It made sense to me that sometimes bad things happened to good people, but there was nothing in this world that would happen to me if God had not allowed that to come my way. The problem with this statement, of course, arises with the different views people have of God. But I believed God was good all the time. I trusted Him. I knew Him. I knew He was for me and with me. So I was not worried anymore about the outcome. Of course, it was pretty sweet when they released me from the hospital with a big baby that I had to carry for ten more weeks.

The third time I was afraid happened just recently. A sudden pain in my back got me by surprise. I ended up with the gastroenterologist who suggested some lab work, an ultrasound, and an endoscopy. I was afraid of eating anything with fat, and guess what? Yes. I was afraid I had stomach cancer. My grandma died of stomach cancer so it was possible. My mind took me to scary places and I lost about 10 lb. in about two weeks. Even after the endoscopy showed only a mild gastritis – that I think everyone has- I kept on losing weight. I was eating even more than before, but kept on losing weight. I was afraid of dying.

I wanted God to help me. I just did’t know how He would do that. I remembered the two years that I went for counseling every single week. The lady mostly just let me talk forever, and she would just lead the questions, but I often ended finding my own answers. So I figured God had to be the best counselor. So every morning, before my children got up, or when they were napping, I made myself a cup of coffee and talked to God for hours. I asked Him to show me something, to tell me, to guide me to the root of my fear. If only I knew the root of my fear, then I would know how to stop being afraid. The Lord guided me through some Scriptures…

Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you;

He will never let the righteous be shaken.

– Psalm 55:22 of David

I was afraid for my children. I did not want to die because I feared they wouldn’t remember me. I would be such a distant memory. My oldest one was not even two years old, and my youngest was not even six months old. They would not remember the words I had spoken to them everyday. They would not remember about how beautifully they had been created in God’s image. They would not remember how infinitely they had been loved by God. As much as I tried, I couldn’t remember my parents at their age. The freshest memories of my parents that I was able to really remember (without looking at photos) were when I was about four or five years old. But I wanted to be remembered. How did I want to be remembered? That was the kind of mom I needed to be.

“I know one day this will be over. I will conquer it because you are helping me”, I wrote down. Yes, I keep logs of every single thing I have prayed. I need to remember God’s faithfulness to me. I often forget.

I argued with God – as if I could bargain – that maybe if my children were fifteen years old I wouldn’t be afraid anymore. I just wanted them to be saved. You know, I just wanted them to accept the Lord Jesus as their Savior. Then it would be okay for me to die. But somehow, in my Christian psyche or whatever (we call it the Holy Spirit) I knew that was not right. Even if they were fifteen and they had decided on their own to follow Jesus as Savior, I knew I would still be afraid. My fear was that I wouldn’t be there to help them choose right all the time. It hurt to realize that this children were not my own as much as I wanted them to be. It became obvious to me that I had to teach them to follow God on their own. God showed me that even if they were thirty and, I was still alive, they could reject my faith. They could say they were Christians, but only God could see their hearts.

The Lord is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation.

– 2 Peter 3:9,15

Every person has the free will whether to choose to put their faith in Jesus as Savior or not. Once I realized I was not in control anymore, and that it was their choice and not mine, the fear disappeared. I had found the root of my fear: I did not trust God with my children.  The only solution possible was to trust God. I had to trust God to make Himself known to my children. God had been patient with me. What made me think He wouldn’t be patient with them?

Fear and doubt is something that you don’t make an appointment with, if you know what I mean. Nobody says, “Today, I’m gonna fear and doubt my salvation at 3 pm”. But I am afraid. Fear and doubt are gripping my heart like never before. I believe hell is real, and I used to believe I wouldn’t go there. But I am reading things and hearing things that have made me put into question every single thing I felt so sure about.

Jesus’ death and resurrection has been my hope. Without His resurrection every single Christian’s hope is futile. There’s the slight possibility that my faith is all a lie. But if not Jesus, then who?

Christians – Part 2

I think the definition of Christian I gave in the last post struck a cord with many of my friends, and I am glad. Here’s the unfortunate truth. As Christians, we need to understand that when people outside the church (people who are non-religious, people who have never called themselves Christians) look at us, sometimes they expect more of us than we expect of ourselves. We can hide behind the word Christian. We say, I am a Christian. But they say, Yes, but you don’t look like Jesus. 

Andy Stanley never defined Christian as such, but somehow it is true, isn’t it? I know not all Christians are like that, and that’s awesome. Unfortunately, outsiders see one Christian acting like this, and the tendency is to ditch the whole thing based on that. The relationship with my sister suffered because of this. And I had to ask her to forgive me. Now we don’t even talk about Jesus on a regular basis. Our relationship has improved. A LOT. It improved once I realized my sister is not accountable to me for what I believe. Her life and how she deals with her life; the decisions she makes and the reasons behind those decisions are NONE of my business. 

A Christian is about what a person believes. A disciple is about what a person actually does.

– Andy Stanley

When the whole Jesus’ movement began, the apostles began scattering throughout the whole region preaching what they have seen and heard. They did not had any Bible. The New Testament as we know it hadn’t even been put together yet. All they had was the apostles stories of Jesus, the eyewitnesses accounts of all the people who saw Jesus resurrected, and some letters that the apostle Paul had written to different churches – the letters to the Romans, the Galatians, the Ephesians, the Philippians, etc.

In the First Letter to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul writes to the followers of Jesus living in Corinth. In the apostle Paul’s day, Corinth had several nicknames.  It was known as Carnal Corinth, Sin City, or Vanity Fair.  What happened in Corinth stayed in Corinth. Come sin here.  Come indulge here. That was my kind of city back in college. There was commercialized gambling, debauchery, drinking, and prostitution. Sex was practically considered a religion in itself. The apostle Paul had to instruct them on how to live their faith in a city like this.

Sexual immorality, however, had found their way into the Jesus’ followers community. A man was sleeping with his father’s wife. Probably not his mother, maybe his ex-wife, but it might have been an ongoing relationship. The Christian community, however, was not addressing this issue. They all knew about it, but nobody was speaking up against it. It was so bad that not even the non-followers of Jesus in Corinth sinned like this.

It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate: A man is sleeping with his father’s wife.  And you are proud!

1 Corinthians 5:1-2

The apostle Paul continues to tell them that they are not supposed to dissociate from the people who do this kind of things because in that case, they would have to leave the world – let alone Corinth. But Paul makes sure that they understand that this is a behavior they cannot tolerate in the Jesus community. In other words, there are standards. The man can do whatever the heck he wants, but if he has signed up to be a disciple, there are rules to follow. The Believers in Corinth have to disassociate from this man until he repents and stops that behavior.  Then of course, he can come back to the Jesus community.

As one who is present with you in this way [in spirit], I have already passed judgment in the name of our Lord Jesus on the one who has been doing this

1 Corinthans 5:3

I thought the Bible said you are not supposed to judge, you might say. Well, according to the Bible, Paul judged this man in the name of Jesus. Sure, Jesus said, “Do not judge or you will be judged”. Every time we judge the heart of people based on their behavior, we are stepping over God’a arena. That kind of judgement belongs ONLY to God. But Paul is talking about accountability within the church. We, Christians, are supposed to hold other Christians accountable for their actions.

Paul continues in verse 12, “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside?  God will judge those outside“.

You see, Andy believes – and I agree – that we have found something amazing. We believe you can have peace with God. We believe broken marriages can be restored. Bad relationships can be healed. Your children can come back. We believe God can land in the area of your money, your profession, your whole life. Addictions can be broken. We believe you can have peace with God. We believe God loves you, and we feel compelled to tell you. But unfortunately, our approach has not always been the best.

We have to understand that in the first century, Jesus’ followers never expected non-Jesus’ followers to behave like them. Our mistake as Christians is that we expect everybody who has never signed up to follow Jesus to behave as if they have signed up to follow him. We were doing great for the first three centuries. The disciples won people to Christ by loving them. People felt drawn to this type of community, they never felt coerced. People may have felt guilty, but they never felt condemned. But when the Roman Empire made Christianity its official religion, everything went bad. Once the church had the power, we went from God is love to God will getcha. 

I want to tell you, my friends – you know who you are- that Jesus does not condemn you. He loves you. He died for you. And whether one day you will sign up to be His disciples or not, my Jesus community wronged you. They sinned against you. I am deeply sorry that they did not show you what it is to be His disciple. I am sorry they were not able to love you like Jesus has loved them.

As an insider, I am holding them accountable for that.

Christians – Part 1

I heard the series CHRISTIAN from Andy Stanley two years ago, and it changed my view of Christianity. It was radical for me. It left me with two options: either to embrace Christianity as it stands now, or to think outside the box I was in. Was I a Christian? Yes, I was. Was it comfortable to be one? Yes, it was. Very comfortable. Did Jesus want me to be a Christian? No, He did not. 

The word Christian or Christianity is not defined in the Bible. It was never used by Jesus himself. Actually, the word Christian [from the Greek Χριστιανός Christianos] appears only three times in the New Testament, and it was used by outsiders as a derogatory term. This whole movement Jesus started was named after His title: the Christ [Messiah in Hebrew].

But now a Christian can be anything you want it to be. You can be a Christian and do or believe just about anything. Think about it this way. In just about any political argument, any war, any lawsuit, any issue… there are always Christians on both sides. People have killed other people in the name of Christianity. There are so many cults, so many denominations, and for the most part, it seems we cannot agree with each other.

This sadly happens everywhere. It also happens in Islam. Sunni Muslims think that Shia Muslims are not real Muslims. I don’t get why. They believe in Allah and the final messenger, Muhammad. But apparently, the reasons are not something that can be explained in a line, a paragraph, a page, or even an article. I will do my research and will let you know. Reading this kind of stuff, and drinking coffee in the morning while my children watch T.V. is my thing nowadays. I tell you, when it comes to religion, Christianity and Islam are not that different. 

Personally, I have hated Christianity at times. There ar dozens of people in my own peripheral world that hate Christians, and everything that has the word Christian in it. And here’s why:

Christians are judgmental, homophobic, moralists who think they are the only ones going to heaven and that secretly relish the fact that everyone else is going to hell.

– Andy Stanley

When I was far, far away from God, this was my first objection to God or Jesus or anything Christian. I don’t think the problem is God. People want God in their lives – at least most people. I think the problem is us. And when I say us, I mean all the Christians. Sure, nobody is perfect. But we were never called to be Christians. We were called to be Jesus’ disciples.

I have a friend whom I love with all my heart, and I want to share her story…

She has never believed in anything. But hey, she is in a relationship, and she is in love. The woman that she is dating wants them to go to church for whatever reason. My friend doesn’t know what to do. She hates church, but off she goes to please the girlfriend. She figures something good might come out of it. Therapy is working, but maybe God has His own way of helping her. Once they get to church, she sees wonderful things. But she also gets spotted as a lesbian. She is even asked if she had issues with her mom while growing up. You know, probably these Christians were also therapists trying to shoo her homosexuality away [sarcasm]. Then she’s told God dislikes homosexuals and that as women, we should marry a man, and obey that man. Because when we obey the man, then we are obeying God.

That’s not all. Heck, no… but I’ll stop there. When she told me all this – which I’m glad she did – I felt ashamed. I felt angry. I seriously think that regardless her sexual orientation, the questions these Christians were asking her are none of their business! That is just to start with; second, it is NONE of their business!

My friends are not going to church anymore. At least not in the near future. I wouldn’t want to go to church, either. I pleaded with them for not quitting on God. Quit church, but not God.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.

– Jesus. First Woe

Matthew 23:13

The Teachers of the Law were very likely Levites. They were given the duty of instructing the people in the Law of Moses. They made sure the people worshipped God and fulfilled their obligations as God had instructed. The Pharisees competed with Jesus and with other groups for the influence of the people. Jewish Oral Tradition describes them as “destroyers of the world” and “Pharisaic plagues”.

In Matthew 23:1-12, Jesus goes hard at them. Jesus tells the people to do as Pharisees say, but not as they do, because they do not practice what they preach. All they want is for people to applaud them and honor them. They want to be noticed for how good they are, and how other people are not. These teachers were supposed to bring the people close to God, but instead they drove them away!

Today I was reminded that I have been these Pharisees. I have been judgmental, I have been moralistic. I have felt better than thou. What makes these Christians believe they had the right to treat my friends like this? What gave us the right? Nothing. Who gave us the right? No one. Not God. Not Jesus. But our own sin of self-righteousness.

God took me as I was eight years ago: multiple sexual partners, an abortion, an addiction, and plenty of psychological issues. I wonder about the Christians who drove my friends away from God. Who were they when they found the love of God? Have they actually found it? I have passed judgment on these Pharisees and Teachers of the Law every time I study my Bible. But I sadly realize that we, Christians, have become the Pharisees of Christianity.

TO BE CONTINUED…

The Muslims who changed my life

It was a hot and humid afternoon at the playground when I finally decided to approach her. It had been at least a month since I had seen her everyday taking care of her son. And she was always alone. I was always alone.

As much as I tried, there was something not clicking with the moms at my daughter’s school. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was that I didn’t speak Tamil. They spoke English, but they were not very chatty with me. They were chatty among themselves, but not with me and of course I felt left out. I wanted to hang out with people. I had recently moved from Houston to Chennai, and I was eager to experience the world of preschool with my daughter. But so far, it wasn’t looking very good.

However, I was not the only unsuccessful mom at the playground. And, please, do not read between the lines. I know success as a mom doesn’t come from having random conversations with other moms at the playground. I only mean that I actually wanted to make friends, but it seemed more difficult than I thought it would be. So I finally took the courage to approach this other woman.

She was always wearing sunglasses. Who is she anyway? A Bollywood star? I don’t really remember what was the very first thing I said. But I do remember she took her sunglasses off, and for the very first time, I saw those darn big black circles under her eyes.

We began chit chatting, and she told me she was from Pakistan. During the conversation I came to tell her that I was Mexican, and that my husband’s work was what had brought us to India. I found out she had lived in Dubai before. And then, I opened my mouth too much…

Dubai? I’ve been in Dubai. Well, only at the airport. Man, I was impressed with those women… They are so beautiful, and their eyes are so dark, so deep. That’s the only thing I saw. They were all covered with a robe-like dress. They are Muslims. I like your necklace. What does it say?

The necklace said Allah… 

Over the next couple of weeks we continued having random conversations – probably about the weather. Somehow I invited her to my apartment to have tea or something, but she never came. She would always give me an excuse. Her husband went to the office later in the afternoon since he owned his own business, and she mentioned they had breakfast together every morning. So I understood that maybe she just wanted to hang out with her husband.

But one day she actually decided to meet me at Tryst Café and she brought her husband along. No offense to all the Muslims who are reading this (if there are any), but this man looked really Muslim. No topi, no beard like your prophet… just his face. It was like looking at Islam right in the eye.

She introduced us, and for the most part, we were having a really nice breakfast. My son was being such a good boy. No crying, no drama. No interruptions. She mentioned to her husband that I was very interested in different religions. That I had been reading a lot about Hinduism and even Islam. A little. We probably talked about school a little bit more, and the conversation changed little by little to friendship. They were interested in the fact that I was not really hanging out with the expatriates in India. It wasn’t that I didn’t know any, I just felt like I wanted to mingle with the locals. I wanted to experience India and the people. I didn’t want to be isolated in my own world, where everything was like I knew it, and with people who looked like me. He said I was a different kind of Westerner. I took that as a compliment.

We also talked about their diet. It finally made sense what Kosher and Halal meant. They were very easy to talk to. The husband intimidated me a little bit, but I guess it was because I had just met him. Both of them spoiled my son so much that day, that was very sweet. She asked me if all Westerners dated many people before getting married. She had always intrigued by that.

Oh, boy, where to begin?, I said.  She was laughing so hard.

He asked me many questions about America. They have heard so many things in the media. We cleared up many misconceptions they had about them. It is natural to assume that most Americans are awful after you watch the news. I am not American, but I feel like one. Except for the last year, I have lived there for the past eight years – my whole married life. My children were born there, and most of my best friends are Americans.

The conversation was relaxed and he was very calm. To make a point about the media, I asked him if he was carrying a bomb under his shirt.

If you are carrying one, I would really appreciate if you waited until I finish my croissant before blowing the whole place up… He got my point, and he smiled. You see? Not all Americans are awful. I guess not all Muslims are terrorists.

To be very frank, I don’t know if it was him or if it was me, but somehow the conversation turned to religion. They asked me about my faith. I told them I was a Christian, but that I was kind of not wanting telling people I was one. I didn’t want to call myself that anymore. I told them it was a long story, and that eventually I would explain it to them. But yes, technically, I was a Christian. I was a follower of Jesus. He was my Lord and Savior.

Then he said something that would change the course of my life forever. But not only my life. Also their lives. Their whole family life, and my whole family life. As a very good Muslim (I should have known), this man looked at me right in the eye, and told me something I had never, EVER, heard before in my entire life.

You know your Bible has been corrupted, right? 

I had no idea what the heck he was talking about. The Bible – corrupted? What nonsense was this? This man told me something that in the Muslim wold is accepted as a universal truth. My Bible has to be corrupted because if it is not, then Islam and everything is built upon is false. This was a very bold approach on his part, but I’m thankful that he did that. Without knowing, he introduced me to the world of Christian Apologetics.

This conversation was a little bit over six months ago. And since then, my life changed. I spent almost all my free time with them, and they became my best friends in Chennai. Our families have spent so much time together over dinner, over tea, over boat rides and water slides. They are great people.

In this part of the world, nobody dislikes Jesus. They dislike the Christians. I think a lot of people feel that way…  I should start by dissecting Christianity.

My Jewish husband- Part 3

For the last two parts in this mini-series, I have tried to describe how related wine is related to Jewish celebrations. I hope I have done that successfully. The first celebration I mentioned was Passover. On that day, Jewish people remember the night they became free from slavery and actual physical death by sacrificing a lamb. The wine on that night represents promises of deliverance God had given them, and also represents the blood of the sacrifice they offered.

The second celebration I talked about is a Jewish wedding. There are many parts to it, but particularly, two cups are really important. The firs cup of wine, from which the bride and the groom drank, represented the Betrothal Ceremony. After drinking from this cup, they were committed to each other and legally married. The Bride would make herself beautiful while waiting for her groom. And the groom would go away for a log period of time. When he came back, there was a big uproar on the streets. Once they gathered at the groom father’s house, they would drink from a second cup of wine. After this they would live together happily ever after.

Based on that, I would like to tell you that I am amazing, and that I know it all. I am not and I don’t. That I have read my Bible, and understand everything there is to understand about Christianity. I have, but I don’t. A friend told me a long time ago, that the reason she could never be a Christian was because Christianity could not answer all her questions. Christianity didn’t make sense…

I wish I could tell you that Christianity makes a lot of sense to me, and that it answers all my questions. But that has not been the case. A guy dying and coming back from the dead does NOT make any logical sense at all. They day I can figure God out and explain why He does or does not do things – THAT day- I won’t need God at all.

If God has to make sense at all for me to follow Him, then my approach might need a little direction. But I tell you what, My God is a faithful God. My God is a Mighty God. My God is a powerful God. You cannot put My God in a box. My God is inviting me to have a relationship with Him because He loves me – in spite of me!

And He loves you. He loves everybody. I am telling you, when you want to pursue God and really want to find Him… He shows up. Tonight, I guess, I had one of those nights. 

Then [Jesus] took a cup, and when He had given thanks, He gave it to them [the disciples], saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom

Matthew 26:27-29

All these years I never EVER saw this. I knew the Last Supper of Jesus had happened during the celebration of Passover, or at least that’s what the writers of the synoptic gospels tell us. Now a days, however, historians are concluding that the meal Jesus had most likely was not a Passover Seeder, like the ones Jewish people celebrate now. That practice began around 70 AC based on rabbinic sources.

Seeder or not, Jesus is telling his disciples to drink from a cup that represented his blood. These were Jewish boys. They knew about the Temple, and about the Law of Moses. They knew about sacrifice and atonement for sin. Jesus is asking them to drink for the forgiveness of sins.  But why? Jesus had forgiven sins before. He had healed many people before. Why in the world was He talking about pouring out His own blood for forgiveness?

Not only that, but then He tells them that He won’t drink again from that cup until He drinks it with them in God’s Kingdom. Is this making any sense to you? Am I making stuff up?

Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I [Jesus] go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

John 14:2

The greek word for room is μονή. It represents a dwelling place. An abode. Jesus, as they drink, is inviting them to join in a wedding celebration. Their own. Jesus, as the groom, will go and prepare a place in God’s Kingdom for them. Not only for them. Jesus is preparing a place for everybody that in faith has placed his/her faith in Him as Lord and Savior. No wonder why communion is so important and full of meaning.

In the New Testament, The Church is referred as The Bride of Christ, and Christ is portrayed as the groom. God wants to be married to us. That’s why marriage is one of the most delicate and intimate relationships you can ever have with someone. That’s why God talks about sexual purity and inner purity. That is the relationship God wants with us. I am not making this up. Jewish people believe God married them at Mount Sinai, as told in My Jewish husband – Part 2.

Tonight, as I realized these things, I felt like God was smiling. If not smiling, then singing at the tune of B.T.O’s song. He totally blew my mind away…

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-nothin’ yet…

Here’s something that you never gonna forget,

B-b-b-baby, you just ain’t seen n-n-nothin’ yet…

I am married. If I’ve learned something from following Jesus as Lord and Savior, is that you don’t quit on marriage. Marriage is hard, and even harder when you have children. But the rewards of keep on trying, keep on making peace, keep on forgiving, keep on hoping, keep on loving a spouse and children unconditionally… The rewards far exceed the sacrifice. I will never quit on you, my earthly husband. I will never quit on you, my son and daughter.

I may not understand many things, and I don’t have all the answers, but the groom I chose is coming back. He might explain things once He is here. And if He doesn’t explain, does it really matter? He’s coming back!

Of course I’m not quitting on my Jewish husband!

Hallelujah!

For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure”— for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.

Revelation 19:6-9

My Jewish husband – Part 2

Crashing a Jewish Wedding 101

If you aspire to be like John and Jeremy (Wedding Crashers, 2005), this might help you out enormously. A Jewish Wedding Celebration is filled with humongous deep spiritual meanings in every step. I hope you enjoy reading about them.

1. Kabbalat Panim or Pre-Chupah Reception 

On the wedding day, the bridegroom is like a king and the bride is like a queen. This day is considered a personal Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) for the groom and the bride, for on this day all their past mistakes are forgiven as they merge into a new, complete soul. By tradition, the bride and groom refrain from seeing each other for a full week prior to their wedding, so as to increase their love and yearning for each other. The mothers of the bride and groom break a china or glass plate to show the seriousness of the commitment. Mazal Tov!

2. Badeken or Veiling

A procession headed by the groom goes to the bridal reception room, where the groom covers the bride’s face with a veil. The custom of covering the bride’s face with a veil originated from Rebekah, who covered her face when meeting her groom, Isaac (Genesis 24:64-65).

The veil emphasizes that the groom is not solely interested in the bride’s external beauty, which fades with time, but rather in her inner beauty, which she will never lose.

3. The Chupah or Marriage Canopy

The chupah is a canopy which sits atop four poles and is usually ornately decorated. The marriage ceremony takes place beneath this canopy which is open on all sides. This is a demonstration of the couple’s commitment to establish a home which will always be open to guests, as was the tent of Abraham and Sarah. The chupah is the groom’s domain. After all this preliminary activity, the actual marriage ceremony begins.

4. The Betrothal or “Engagement”

According to Torah Law, marriage is a two-step process. The first stage is called kiddushin, loosely translated as “betrothal,” and the second step is known as nisu’in, the finalization of the nuptials after the Seven Blessings . Nowadays, both kiddushin and nisu’in are accomplished successively beneath the chupah. 

Two cups of wine are used in the wedding ceremony. The first cup accompanies the betrothal blessings, recited by the rabbi. After these are recited, the couple drinks from the cup. They are now betrothed. This finalizes the kiddushin. The marriage contract is read and the Seven Blessings are recited. The first blessing is prayed over the cup of wine. Then, the couple drinks from the second cup. This finalizes the nisu’in. They are finally married. 

It is very interesting to note, however, that in ancient times, the two stages of marriage (kiddushin and nisu’in) were done on separate occasions. They were separated by a full year -or even more- which the groom would devote to Torah study. There are Biblical accounts for this like Samson’s Marrriage, the wedding of Isaac and Rebekah, and the wedding of Jacob and Rachel.

There were negotiations involved for the arranging of the marriage, which were conducted by the members of the two families. The negotiations involved the marriage contract (ketubah) and the price of the bride. The groom would pour a glass of wine and would offer it to the bride. If she drank from it, the proposal was accepted and they were betrothed (kiddushin). After drinking from that first cup of wine, they were to be considered as man and wife in all legal and religious aspects, except that of actual cohabitation. It was an agreement only to be dissolved by a formal divorce.

In present-time weddings, after this betrothal stage is finalized, the groom then places the wedding band on the bride’s finger. While putting the ring on her finger, the groom says: “With this ring, you are consecrated to me according to the law of Moses and Israel.” Then the ketubah is read aloud.

But tradition tells us that after the betrothal, the groom would return to his father’s house to make a place suitable for his bride. He would only come back to get her with his father’s approval. Meanwhile, the bride would be making herself ready so that she would be pure and beautiful for her bridegroom. During this time she would wear a veil (badeken) when she went out to show she was spoken for – she had been bought with a price.

After a year, the groom went to the house of the bride at midnight, creating a torchlight parade through the streets. He was accompanied by his male friends. The bride would know in advance this was going to take place, and so she would be ready with her maidens. They would all join the parade and end up at the bridegroom’s home (the chupah). The couple would drink from a second cup of wine because they were finally together.  They would live together as husband and wife.

This explains why nowadays the couple are in different rooms at the beginning of the ceremony. They re-act the whole thing. He goes, veils her, and everybody takes them to the chupah. Once there, the betrothal and finalization of the wedding is done. The ceremony tries to represent all the stages that had to take place in Biblical times. That’s why it is so full of meaning.

5. The Ketubah or Marriage Contract

The ketubah details the husband’s principal obligations to his wife to provide her with food, clothing and affection, along with other contractual obligations. The ketubah document is reminiscent of the wedding between God and Israel when Moses took the Torah, the “Book of the Covenant,” and read it to the Jews prior to the “chupah ceremony” at Mount Sinai.

6. The Seven Blessings

The first blessing is the blessing on the wine (as we already saw) to finalize the nisu’in, and the remaining six are marriage-themed blessings, which include special blessings for the newlywed couple. They drink and they are finally husband and wife.

A cup is then wrapped in a large cloth napkin, and placed beneath the foot of the groom. The groom stomps and shatters the glass. The shattering of the glass reminds them that even at the height of personal joy, they must, nevertheless, remember the destruction of Jerusalem, and yearn for their imminent return there. Mazal Tov!

7. Yichud Room

After all the public pomp and ceremony, it is time for the bride and groom to share some private moments. Inside the room, the couple traditionally breaks their wedding day fast. It is also a time when the bride and groom customarily exchange gifts.

8. Reception and Grace after Meals

When the bride and groom emerge from the yichud room to join their guests, they are ceremoniously greeted with music, singing and dancing. The men with the groom, and the women with the bride, traditionally dance in separate circles.

Indeed, on a Jewish Wedding, there exists a deep mystical connection between wine and marriage.

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVERY AFTER…

I started to write this blog to share the struggles of my faith. But if Jesus is who He claimed to be, I have drunk from that first cup of wine. I am married to Him.

In the middle of my present circumstances, am I seriously considering a formal divorce?

My Jewish husband – Part 1

I want to talk about the Passover Celebration. If you are not very familiar with what that celebration is, it will help you to know that the Israelites had been slaves for 400 years in Egypt and Passover was the night when Pharaoh let them go free. I’m sure everybody has watched the movie The Ten Commandments (which in reality should be called The 613 Commandments).

When God is giving the plagues to the Egyptians, the last one is the death of the firstborn. The people who want their firstborn to live have to sacrifice a lamb, and put the blood of that lamb on the doorposts of their house. If they do it, in faith, then the angel of the Lord would spare the firstborn son of that particular house. The angel would passover them. Passover. Got it?

Doing a thorough research of some Orthodox Jewish websites, I’ve found some great information on how they celebrate the Passover Seder Service. They have very specific ways to do it, and even something called Laws of the Four Cups of Wine [Read the section on the Cups, third paragraph].

The meaning behind these four cups of wine is associated with the promise of deliverance God gave them in Exodus 6:6-8.

Therefore, say to the Israelites: ‘I am the Lord, and I will bring you out from under the yoke of the Egyptians [First cup]. I will free you from being slaves to them [Second cup], and I will redeem you [Third cup] with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgment. I will take you as my own people, and I will be your God. And I will bring you to the land [Fourth cup] I swore with uplifted hand to give to Abraham, to Isaac and to Jacob. I will give it to you as a possession. I am the Lord.

– Exodus 6:6-8

I won’t go right now on whether alcohol is a great thing to consume or not. In Christianity, it is a big taboo depending on the denomination you were raised in. In Islam, drinking alcohol is considered haraam (prohibited). Whether you believe in any of these faiths or not, we cannot deny the fact that wine is a very special drink. A royal drink, these websites said. It is very appropriate for special occasions such as Passover because they are celebrating freedom. And I’m going to tell you why…

Wine represents blood. According to these websites, the wine represents the blood shed by Pharaoh. That spilled blood brought them freedom from slavery, as Pharaoh told them to leave Egypt. But the blood of the lamb also brought them life, as the angel of the Lord spared them if He saw it on the doorposts.

When the Lord goes through the land to strike down the Egyptians, He will see the blood on the top and sides of the door frame and will pass over that doorway, and he will not permit the destroyer to enter your houses and strike you down.

– Exodus 12:23

The Blood of the Lamb is a very Christian concept. Christians believe that Jesus is the Passover Lamb whose blood on the cross rescued people from death – spiritual death. It’s no coincidence then that Christians celebrate Easter as the Jews are celebrating Passover.

I am not being biased. This information I am finding it in very serious Orthodox Jewish Websites. I mean what can be more Jewish than this?

Can a Jew believe in Jesus?

Of course a Jew can believe in Jesus. Just like a vegetarian can enjoy a rump steak, a peace activist can join a violent demonstration, and a dictator who preaches martyrdom can surrender himself to his enemies. As long as logic and clear thinking are suspended, anything makes sense!

– Aron Moss

They don’t hesitate in telling you to buzz off if you are a missionary. Even if you call yourself a Messianic Jew, you are no longer a Jew. You are an apostate. They also have counter-missionary handbooks. There’s a lot of hate going on in the religion world right now, people, I’m telling you. Maybe it has always been like that. I was just never aware…

Jews against Christians. Catholic Church telling Jews they are cursed because the rejected their Messiah. Then Muslims saying that is exactly why their Prophet Mohammad came. He came to clear up all the mess we [Jews and Christians] made. Then you have arguments about the Oral Torah, The Written Torah, the New Testament manuscripts in Aramaic, Hebrew and Greek… but then God decided to reveal His word in Classic Arabic.

A lot of Muslims around the world don’t even speak regular Arabic, let alone the Arabic in the Quran. And I also read about Muslims versus Muslims on the net telling each other they are not real Muslims because they don’t speak the language of the Prophet.

Enough religion already! This is what upsets me. Why would anybody want to get closer to God when they see this?Are you telling me I have to understand Arabic, Hebrew, Aramaic, and Greek – become a freaking scholar – to understand God? I am a mother of two young children who watch Peppa Pig as I try to find a way to write and ponder about the spiritual issues in my life. I believe God can and will meet you where you are. No matter what language you speak.

God has to show me His power in my life. A God worthy of all my praise and all my submission has to have a better excuse of why I couldn’t find Him other than a language barrier. God has to become personal in my life. He has to sweep me away in HIs arms, and meet me in my every day struggles. The God of Israel has done that. And I met the God of Israel through the teachings of Jesus.

I’m just trying to sincerely follow God here. And I don’t understand a lot of things lately. Am I gonna jump ship on God right now just because I don’t understand everything that I am going through? Believe me that right now jumping ship would be the easiest thing to do. But I cannot jump ship on my God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways submit to him,

and he will direct your paths.

– Proverbs 3:5-6

But I’m telling you, as I do my research on Judaism and Passover, I keep on stumbling upon the same concepts of blood, sacrifice, redemption, joy and celebration, all related to wine.

Guess what? A new concept has just popped up. And it changes things drastically for me.

Wine is also symbolic of MARRIAGE itself.

Meet the dissector…

I have to believe that there are people around the world who are actually looking for God with all their hearts. I don’t know exactly why they are looking for Him, but the reasons might be many: they need answers to their questions, they need help… I don’t know. Probably there is something that prompts them to believe in the superiority of that divine being.

I was NOT one of those people. I surrendered my life to Christ, saw the light, accepted Jesus in my heart (or whatever you wanna call it) without actively looking for it. All the phrases I mentioned are ways a Christian describe the moment they are born again. So yes, I am a born-again person. I guess as the blog progresses, I will have more opportunities to explain what that means personally in my life – as a woman, wife and mother.

I do not like calling myself a Christian, though. The reasons behind that are too many. Eventually I’ll talk about it, too. But technically I am a Christian. Around eight years ago I believed for the first time in my life that God loved me for who I was. I heard a message of hope, and the message was clear: You are exhausted of trying to figure life out on your own. Come to me, and I will help you. 

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

– Matthew 11:28-30 

I always heard about Jesus. Always. I was raised in a Mexican Catholic family. But I only bore the name Christian. That’s as far as I went. I never went to church. I prayed, but rarely. Then in college, as I was doing my BSc in Chemistry and Biology, I just refused to believe in the existence of a God who created everything around me. Science was my god. It didn’t solve my pain, but it was amazing to research life, analyze theories, and read papers trying to explain many academic affairs.

I like asking questions. I like wondering about the what ifs of situations. I am an over thinker. That’s who I am. And using my brain can be counterproductive many times because then I have a difficult time sleeping, but I actually enjoy doing it – thinking. At times I build up so many spider webs in my head regarding different issues that I literally get headaches. And so, I guess that is the reason I write.

Writing has become a way of letting go of the built up pressure. When I write, it feels like I channel the energy from my brain to my words. If I am able to get people to understand what I try to convey, then I have de-tangled the spider webs. I have clarity. Communicating my thoughts effectively, whether people agree or not with what I said, is a battle I have won. I have won because the pressure in my head is gone.

So let me be perfectly loud and clear: Eight years ago I accepted de deity of Christ on FAITH ALONE. I believed that I could have a relationship with God in heaven – the God of Israel, the God of the Jewish Nation – if only I repented from my sin, asked for His forgiveness and asked Him to come into my life. He had come to rescue me. This God loved me so much He had died for me. He himself had paid the price for my sin.

He was a Holy God. I was separated from Him. I felt separated from Him. I won’t go right now into heaven and hell and what Christians believe (of course I will go there later). But whatever I heard about heaven and hell did not really matter to me. Islam has eternal hell for non-Muslims. Judaism has temporary Sheol for the unrighteous – pretty much everybody. Christianity has its concept, too. But I didn’t care about hell. I was probably going to go there anyway, and I knew it.

Fear of hell was not my motivation for following the God of Israel. It was the love that the God of Israel had for me what made me love him back. He loved me first. And that kind of unconditional love was only understood by me when I heard about Jesus.

I was desolate. But if the Kingdom of God that Jesus taught was real, I wanted in. I wanted that kind of love. I was in desperate need of that unconditional love.

The hope that I was given in Jesus was better than all the hopes I had heard of. But to say that now seems unfair because the truth is that I had never been given any other kind of hope. Nor I had heard other possible explanations to the TRUTH – whatever the truth was. I had never heard of Islam or what it teaches, or Hinduism, or whatever else were options for having God answering my prayers or make sense of my life.

But things are different now. Things have changed… I am not in the Christian bubble I was before, and I have befriended Muslims and Hindus. They are awesome people. All the people I have met are basically good people. I talk about these things, not with everybody, but I do talk. And I think a lot. I think about whether the Bible is corrupted, or if the apostle Paul made up the divinity of Jesus. I wonder whether Jesus was only a man, a great prophet – but not God – like Islam portrays him. Or maybe he was actually a false prophet since he didn’t fulfill all the Messianic prophesies the Jews were expecting – like Judaism portrays him.

Did Jesus existed at all? There are Jews who claim he never existed. Other Jewish sources claimed he was actually hung. The Quran denies all this. The Bible warns against false prophets who come after Jesus. Islam proclaims Muhammad as the ultimate Prophet and proclaims God’s rejection of the Jews and the Christians.

And here I am reading all this and saying, “Whaaat the heck is happening, people?!”

These are the things that my brain drools over. I cannot deny the fact that Jesus is  a very touchy subject among people, and for the past six months I have read a lot. And I have spent hours researching websites, watching YouTube debates, gathering a lot of information… But seriously, my brain wants a break. I only think, and think, and think, but I haven’t written about it.

I am questioning Jesus lately, like, a lot. I guess this blog is my way of sharing with the world what I have been studying. Seriously, not all the people care about spiritual issues, but I believe that the people who might care deserve an organized version of my thoughts. My friends might want to know what I’ve been learning, and one day I would like to go back and read this again.

There are people looking actively for God. I remember a guy who came to church one day as we were leading an Alpha Course that explained the basics of Christianity. He said he knew he needed God in his life. He was exploring different faiths, and was willing to commit to one. He wanted to hear the Christians out. I tell you, there are people actively looking for answers.

I consider this a trial in my life. I enjoy thinking. I also dread it. Thinking constantly about my faith and other faiths is making me question my own beliefs. But I know who God is. I have experienced His love. I have experienced freedom. I have experienced fellowship with God. And that might sound like a very Christian thing to say, and maybe it is, but it is real. It has changed my life. God is my ALL.

Some people think that faith is believing something that you know is not true. But I think that faith means believing in something that has a lot of evidence to back it up even tough you cannot prove it scientifically.

– Jeff Wilcox

In eight years, I had never questioned Christianity. I had never questioned the deity of Jesus. I had faith – blind faith. But now I need evidence to back it up. I want to be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks me to give them the reason for the hope that I have.

That’s why I’m dissecting Jesus.