Christianity

On Easter, Dating Memes and Dying – Part 2

So exactly a week ago, I wrote some thoughts on Easter and Dying. You can see that post here. I knew Easter was coming, and I felt writing a post was needed if only for the purpose of saying I wrote something. Today, being Easter Sunday, I don’t even know where to begin…

That last post was pathetic… so sad, and yet so true. I am tired, physically and emotionally. At times, I am sick with sadness. I’m on edge some days. It is also April, and I am a teacher LOL! But honestly, one cannot be a Christian for almost twenty years, and expect to continue living life with pink glasses. At some point, your life – your faith – will be tested. It will be tried, pruned, refined. You will encounter suffering. And I am not your pastor, so I am not going to elaborate on my theology of suffering. I am going to assume that when I write, you will follow along, or that at least, you will have enough interest to read your Bible, and find the context of what I am talking about. Also, I am going to be jumping a lot in my story telling, but my point is this: Death will die.

So get this: Fourteen days ago, I was home and I was completely exhausted. I was done. I did not have a good night sleep for two days in a row and when that happens, my brain doesn’t like it very much. Then I received a phone call by one of the few teenagers in my life that I love very much: my ex-boyfriend’s son. That takes me back to April 2024, when I was still living in my apartment (cause I just bought a house!) and I invited my upstairs neighbor to a school gala. I, to this day, will continue to maintain that it was never my intention to ask my neighbor on a date. I did want a date, in fact, I was on several dating apps at the time, but all the men I met through them, were a bunch of losers. And I am being sensitive, but there is no way that at age forty, you show up drunk to a date, or you just borrow four of my books, and then you never text me back again. What the hey – ThiEF!!

Honestly, how do people my age find good dates? Like, the ex-husband of my ex-husband’s wife just got married a couple months ago to a wonderful girl (my children’s stepsister told me) and I’m here like, “I am still processing and learning to enjoy being myself with the good and the bad and the ugly, and everybody already remarried except ME! LOL!”

So, back to the phone call. No, wait, the boyfriend. I invited my neighbor to this dinner with my school because all my dates were a bunch of losers, and I did not want to go alone. That’s the truth. My neighbor, for all I knew, was a serial killer, but I did not think so because I had previously talked to him on a couple of occasions. I found that he was a single dad with a boring life, just like mine. All he did, or all I saw him doing, was going out to workout early in the morning, and driving his children around to soccer or swimming. So I thought, “If this dude comes with me to the dinner, then that’s it. I have fun, he goes out. Good night.”

We never stopped talking after that night. He was incredible smart, a Renaissance man. I work at a Classical school, so of course, he was super interesting. I was delighted to hear him talk about Shakespeare, mostly because inside my own head, I was playing jokes to myself such as, “Remind me how in the world do we like this dude? He’s a poet, a musician and loves musicals! LOL!”

I LOVE MUSICALS!

My neighbor had a sweet, gentle smile. He loved cooking for his children. He pursued me to the death. He made me espressos every morning on my way to school, and baked banana bread for my children. He also wrote down his banana bread recipe for my coworkers, and to this day we still talk about it at my school. He had deep, blue eyes, and I stupidly fell in love with him. That was awesome for a variety of reasons LOL! One, life goes on. I actually had a heart. I realized I had a heart that could feel… so we dated for like four months, until one day he broke up with me.

We talked about getting married – it was serious. We were not dating without serious considerations. But at the same time, we were not “dating” officially. I mean, sure, we were holding hands, and going to the grocery store, and sucking face, but I knew better LOL!

I could not introduce this man to my family unless I knew he was a Christian. When I say my family, I mean my pastor and my congregation. My neighbor knew from the very beginning that this was my position. Unless he could articulate the gospel, and explain to me how he came to faith in Christ, and was willing to sit with me and study the 1689 LBCF, nothing was going to move forward. I forgot a key element in this story: He was Lutheran, from the ELCA. Women pastors and such… and if you know anything about me (either because you have read my blog or because you personally know me) you should be ROFL. This is the man I was willing to marry LOL!

He had great qualities, don’t get me wrong, but spiritually, I felt we were worlds apart. He talked to my pastor several times and my pastor advised him not to date me at all. At all. My pastor told him to pursue Christ, not me, but you see, I was irresistible LOL!

Oh, gosh! This is awesome. God is so good! You just keep reading…

The thing is my neighbor and I didn’t see the world the same way. We had different priorities. Mine was to be a wife and a mom. I wanted a husband to share life with, a husband to take care of. While I was working full-time now, and I knew I would not go back to be a SAHM, I did not have plans or have ever had plans to change the world in any astounding way, you know what I mean? My neighbor, on the other hand, wanted to “blast off on the rocket ship of his life” knowing his wife would be waiting home for him to refuel while being fulfilled and joyful. He told me he was not the man for me – over text. Over a 473- word text. SMH.

He was right in breaking up with me. I behaved in ways that were not healthy. There are two versions to every story, and his was that I had many insecurities. I did. My insecurities apparently took him to an unhealthy place, filled with ghosts from his past (his previous marriage). I wanted to be a teacher, raise my children and serve Christ. He wanted to get busier and busier as life went on. Do public service, politics. Save the world, I guess. My neighbor broke my heart because in a nutshell, he said, we were incompatible.

I hated that word: incompatibility. My marriage ended on that basis. We all know that was a whole load of crap, my ex-husband left because he loved his sin. However, to hear from my neighbor that we were incompatible was very painful, even though it was true. It was my own fault that I did not guard my heart, but it was still painful. I guess I was still wrongly assuming that when people hear/think/talk marriage, they hear/think/mean what I mean, but they don’t. That much was obvious in my relationship with my neighbor because I do agree I had insecurities.

Absolutely. I had red flags. He had red flags. I saw them all, but ultimately I was willing to work them out, but he didn’t. Now, that is his version.

My version is he got cold feet LOL! Or actually, Jesus was THE dealbreaker.

At some point, probably after a couple of months, our children already knew each other, and had interacted with one another over a whole blackout that lasted some days back in summer 2024? It was almost seamless, we didn’t force anything. Actually during one time that he wasn’t home, his youngest son came crying into my apartment telling me his oldest brother had been mean to him. Then I went upstairs with my Bible, and I began talking to this teenager, and he actually listened. My neighbor’s oldest son seemed to be really sensitive to Christ and since then we became close. I loved my neighbor’s sons. I loved them all, even the middle one LOL! I don’t think he ever liked me very much.

Sometimes I would read the Bible at night to his youngest son and my children, or I would read the Bible with his oldest son – I bought him a Bible with his name. Everything was going great, right? I cooked for them at times, I baked for them. He cooked for us at times. We were neighbors! We got to know each other really quick in the context of doing life in the same building. And I continued asking him to study the Word with me, but he never showed real desire or “thirst”. We needed (I needed) to see whether or not he was legitimately a believer. What was his understanding of the gospel? Where did he stand on baptism? He was raised a liberal Lutheran. We visited a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church once.

Several occasions he came to my church, and he told me he had never heard expository preaching. He had no idea you could actually read the Bible and study it. It was his understanding everything had to go through a priest/pastor (that sounded very Roman Catholic to me). In all good faith, I really tried to understand him. I knew I had been very judgmental in the past. But by now, as you can tell, I had already crossed a ton of boundaries. I was literally in love with a dude who probably was not even Christian, and even if he were, he was really new in the faith.

You ask me now, when hormones are not clouding my vision, he was not a Christian. He thought he was. He wanted to be. He was a goody goody, after all, he was a Boy Scout, and a son of a Boy Scout. And so, yeah, I began to behave in very obnoxious ways. Let me back up. I think the Lord was working in His heart – there was no doubt about that. But he was not there yet. I think some of my best friends at church saw that, and even my pastor saw that, and therefore, all wisdom said: “DO NOT DATE HIM. You may continue to be friends with him, and continue to know him in all seasons, but even if he repents, gets baptized, and jumps through all the hoops you are putting in front him (and I was putting a lot of them), you cannot know if his conversion is real until after a while. At least a year or so. You don’t want him to come to church or do all these things for your sake, just to get YOU, Karla. You want him to be here for Christ. If he doesn’t love Christ, then you are destined to repeat the same mistake and be as miserable as you were in your first marriage.”

Did I listen? Of course, not. I disobeyed the Holy Spirit. I knew what I was doing, I wasn’t stupid, but as time progressed, I was getting more and more anxious – therefore what he calls “my anxieties and insecurities.” I just did not see the point of keep talking, hanging out, having dinners and planning a future if he was not going to find the time to sit down with me, and talk about the stuff people talk about so we would not have surprises later.

Like, let’s get to the real stuff now, and then, if we see we actually have a future, then we can date with ease, knowing all people on both sides are supporting us. It meant the world to me for my pastor and my congregation to like this guy, because I liked this guy! And it is not that they did not like the guy, it’s that they were not sure about the guy LOL! And it was out of love. As a church, we excommunicated my husband. My pastor saw me devastated. My church family had to listen to me over and over about my life, and about my ex-husband, and his new girlfriend and how she was pregnant before we were even divorced. I cried every Sunday for months…

All my church friends were willing to embrace a godly man if a godly, Christ-loving man were to pursue me, but my neighbor was not that man, and I knew it. And so, ultimately, my version is that God answered my prayer, and he got the neighbor out of my life because he indeed was not the man for me. I knew it after he told me once that between Sunday at church or his children’s sports, he was always going to choose sports. Ugh, and even then, I was so willing to compromise on my core beliefs for a duuuuude… What was wrong with me?! You know what was wrong with me? Christ was not seating in the altar of my heart. That’s what. It has taken me seven months to deal with this, but I finally understood it. I actually did**

My neighbor justified himself by putting the breakup on me, but I blame the breakup on Jesus. I am fine now, but it hurt. A lot. Mostly because he broke up with me. It was another rejection, you see? I should have never dated my neighbor, but I did, so the heartbreak was nothing but my fault. In a way, the breakup solidified the core belief that I was not good enough. Just like my husband had left, my neighbor also left.

Honestly, Jesus is the One who is always scaring them all away. It is not that I can’t get a date – it’s that all the “Christians” really need to read their Bibles more…

Ok, enough background.

MY EX-BOYFRIEND GOT BAPTIZED TODAY!!!!

WHAAAATTT!!!

YES! HE DID!

So the call. I started with a call.

Two weeks ago, I was going through a very, very hard personal time, and my neighbor’s son called me. He said that he wanted to share some news with me, and then he proceeded to just quickly tell me that he was going to be baptized today, and that the pastor of the church he had been attending asked him to invite the person who had had the most Christ-like influence on him, and he called me. That made me cry when I hung up.

Long story short, my neighbor apologized to me a couple times within the last two weeks. It was the same text, he just sent it twice after I ignored it. We did not end up in good terms seven months ago. I was rude, he was rude. I was probably more rude. Anyway, he said he had reconciled with God, but not with me, and that I was the child of God who reached out to him in his solitude, and that he never honored me for the many blessings I had brought into his life, and the lives of his children. When I read all of that, I was like, “BARF!”

I ignored the texts, alright? I was mad. Reading that reminded me of his breakup text. Dude is a writer. He has perfect grammar on his texts. Anyway, I ignored the texts. I texted him last night, however, since I never heard confirmation on the baptism. Since I was actually replying, he texted me the same text he had texted me twice already. He said he had texted it, but he never heard from me.

“Of course not. I purposely ignored your texts because you could have apologized to my face just the same way you should have broken up with me – to my face. Twenty steps, dude. You could have gone downstairs, knocked on my door, and told me we were done.”

This is happening the night before Easter. Last night. I am a sinner. I know you all know that. Ok. So now he knows my number is correct, and he texted me his apology for the third time. I know him. He was never a texter. He probably wants to hear, “I forgive you.”

UGH. Then I began arguing in my own head with the Lord, “How is it possible that I already made the peace with Emerson, like for real. After some conversations, he truly offered me what I consider his first sincere apology in two years, and I, in tears, said, ‘I forgive you’ from the heart, but I cannot possibly let go of this stupid idiot? Like, the husband who cheated on me, off the hook. Forgiven. And it hurts. Forgiveness always means pain in one way or the other, but it is in the past. I even like his baby, and play with his baby. But I cannot make myself type, ‘I forgive you’ to my ex-boyfriend?”

Then I continued, “Look. Resurrection Sunday is tomorrow. How can I possibly not forgive someone who hurt me after you have forgiven me more than that? I don’t feel it, okay? But fine, I need to let go. He wants to hear that I forgive him, fine. ‘I am happy to hear you made peace with God through Christ. Thank you for you message. I forgive you, [NAME]. I will see you tomorrow at the baptism.”

So I walked today into their church, and out of the blue, here they come. My neighbor sees me, and when I offered my hand to shake, he totally embraces me, and I don’t know what to do. He hugged me with a very sincere hug, and suddenly all my anger goes away. You know why? Because he had shaved. His beard and his mustache, particularly his mustache, was a very integral part of his identity. He never would have shaved, but now he has no hair, at all, mainly cause he’s bald LOL! but also no beard, and no mustache. He was also wearing a shirt and shorts.

I did not really hug him back. I think I actually pushed him away gently, but I did hug his youngest son whose freckles I loved. Then I said hi to the middle one, I gave him a hug, and I totally embraced his oldest son who was getting baptized. Then it hit me. My neighbor is being baptized too.

I went on my way and sat down. I was right there today, Easter Sunday 2025, three feet away watching my neighbor (and ex-boyfriend LOL!) being obedient to Christ, and getting baptized. And if you had seen his face and his smile when he was listening to the pastor… he went down and up. When he got out of the baptistry, he looked at me with his gentle smile, and I hugged him this time. We watched his son being baptized, and then they left to change clothes. His son later came and sat down with me, and we listened to the whole sermon together. I was not able to say goodbye to my neighbor because I had to go to my own church home to teach Children’s Church, but he did text me and thanked me for being there this morning.

I did not feel like forgiving him last night when I replied, but I knew I had to obey Christ. And this morning when I saw his deep blue eyes and realized he was getting baptized too, I realized he meant the apology. He had to mean it. And I forgave him from the heart. How could I not? I pray he continues walking closely with Christ and therefore make his calling and election sure, but it is a big deal for a person who was baptized as an infant to make the decision to be baptized as an adult. I am so happy for him and for his son. I hope both of them could be a guide to the other children in the family who are still to believe in Christ.

Now to the meat of my post, which believe it or not, we are just getting to: I have been contemplating my death lately. Again, I am not dying nor do I want to die, but I will die one day. I have to make a will and put up a trust and God knows what else. I have a mortgage now, who’s paying my house when I’m gone? I cannot leave the debt to my children. I need to make a list of bank accounts and stuff so that someone can take care of things when I’m gone, so my children can mourn me.

You know all of those things that I was scared of if my husband were to die, well, he did not die. He divorced me LOL! Now I need to take care of things for others so they don’t have to worry. I don’t think they are worried, my children, but when I’m gone, I will be gone. I will be with the Lord and who cares! But I don’t want them to not know what to do. I also need to buy a place to be buried. People should not be dealing with these things in the moment. And all these things require money, and I need to make more money. And on and on we go… the Lord will provide. There’s a cemetery literally behind my neighborhood. You can walk from here. I will call them soon.

My point is today at this other church where the baptism happened, the pastor said that when you have Christ, really there is nothing to fear. Death? Why should you fear death? The sting of death is gone. Really the only power death has over a soul is hell – punishment. There is one birth and two deaths: The natural death of decay that all of us will suffer due to sin, and then eternal death, apart from Christ. But when we have Christ in us, two births, the natural and the spiritual (only because of his mercy, He made us alive) then there is only one death. It is like falling asleep.

I have always being afraid of losing others. Losing my husband. Losing a child. I lost my husband. I lost a baby. The last five years of my life have been nothing but loss. And death lurks and death whispers as if it is winning, and today, watching my ex-boyfriend being baptized reminded me once again that God is God and I am not. God has a perfect timing for all He does, and He is never late. I think He is late. I wanted to rush my neighbor, but God was and is in control of my neighbor’s heart, not me.

In the same way, this pastor also said that the sufferings of this life are only temporary, and it sounded like he said it so casually. It was a fast sermon, it was only like thirty minutes, and for it to be so short and so packed with Scripture like it was, I was honestly impressed. I clearly heard the gospel, but for someone who is going though dark seasons of life, it could sound a little bit careless. But I was glad that I heard that because it reminded me of the tomb. The tomb is empty. Yes, the people I love will die one day. I will die one day. For all I know, I die after posting this. What matters now is whether or not that person who we deeply love knows Christ. If they do, then all will be well – in time. If they don’t know Christ, then they will be separated from the love of God forever, and we will never be able to fellowship with them again.

I left the church encouraged knowing that as long as it depends on me, I will always preach Christ to those around me. And I pray that God opens their eyes. I mean, you never know, my neighbor and his son got baptized!

How good and merciful God is, is He not?!

** I wish I could write more about my single life. Maybe on another post. I do want to say I am very glad that God not only allowed, but ordained my divorce. He also ordained my marriage. I love my ex-husband. I always will. I told him the other day I will never be able to hate him because he is the father of my children. I have no romantic feelings for him, none whatsoever. Brother, eww. But I love him. I also told him he has a cute baby.

After my neighbor broke up with me I was totally depressed for about a month. I had to deal with a lot of emotions, plus life got complicated on other levels, which is exactly why I was so sad when I received the call from my neighbor’s son. But I have dealt with some of my main issues in relationships. I understand and actually believe now that my husband “not choosing me” or even my neighbor leaving was not a me problem, but a them problem.

I know I have issues. Who doesn’t? What I want is peace. I want to be loved and accepted and cherished for who I am. I do not want to morph into being what others want me to be, or the version of me I think they would like. I want to be me. I like being me. Sometimes I don’t. But for the most part I do. I am smart. I am capable. I am funny. I am good at making memes. I am a great – a GREAT – Math teacher. I am kind, I have the patience of ten old grandmas. I am a great cook and a great baker. I am sweet, and I am spontaneous. I am also a hot mess, and that’s exactly why I blog the way that I blog. If men cannot see that I have wonderful qualities to offer in a relationship, it sucks, but it’s on them.

I deleted all the dating apps. Every time I come home, whether my dishes are on the sink or in the dishwasher, it’s okay. I feel peace. If I haven’t folded the laundry, I am at peace. I am happy being single. This may be selfish or maybe I have made it: I don’t want to date anyone, not even one. I don’t have time! I am busy. I have my children who demand all my attention. I love Christ and Christ has been everything for me. Literally. He has been EVERYTHING for me.

He has provided for me. He has protected me. He has cherished me. He has shown me time and time again, that He is the only One who loves me. He made me. He gave himself for me. All this time, I had missed a very important lesson in all this grieving. I was grieving the marriage I had and I lost, but also the husband I wanted and I never had. A husband who loved Christ. That’s the point of marriage – Christ and His Church. But even happy marriages, the best of marriages, fail to portray perfectly that image. Sin is still here. The real marriage, the one all marriages point toward, is the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. That’s the real thing. Even sex points to that intimacy that Christ has with His people. In eternity, my husband here is not going to be my husband there. That relationship will cease. It is not about having a husband here. It is about Christ. Always. I do feel lonely at times. But even then, Christ comforts me. I have seen the goodness of God in Christ towards me in the most difficult times in my life, and it feels horrible at times, but today I know Christ in ways I wouldn’t have known Him had I not gone through the trials He has set for me. He knows exactly what each of us need.

I wish I had more time, but I don’t. I need to finish this so I can post it.

I am content in my singleness. Really content. That’s all.

On Easter and Dying

I am only 42 years old, but I am looking forward to dying. I am in no way implying I want to die or that I would ever attempt to take my life. I am only asserting and assenting to what I know to be true through biblical revelation and personal experience: this world is sick with sin. I am looking forward to meet my Savior one day, and when I see Him, I know all the suffering of this life would have been worth it.

It is providential that God has allowed me to interact with some students who out of the blue have interest in the Bible. These are ten year-old boys. Here I was thinking my days of preaching the gospel were gone. After all, I am a single mom and I have a full time job. I really can’t spend all my time “ministering” to the needs of others. For the last two years, I have put my head down to the plough. I know I need to work and make a living. I also know my Christian duty is to love God and others, but how exactly can you love others while teaching Math to 5th grade students? Like yes, I get it. I can glorify God through my gifts, but it is not like teaching fractions leads to conversations about spiritual things on a regular basis. You know what I mean?

I have just lived life. That is all I do. But recently, a boy began asking me questions about Jesus. He is faithfully reading his Bible every day, and as far as I know, he wants to understand who this Jesus is. Was I supposed to say, “I am sorry, but this is beyond my pay grade? I cannot and will not talk to you about Christ for fear of losing my job because this is a public school?”

Of course not. I engaged him. And then other boys came. I told those boys to walk away, I was talking to this one particular boy about the Bible, about a question this boy had. But the other three boys said, “We want to know, too. We want to be part of this Bible study.”

“No. This is not a Bible study. I am just explaining the sacrifices in the Old Testament and how Jesus is THE High Priest, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. This is not a Bible Study.”

I have been so busy with life, with pain, with sorrow, with STAAR testing… so very busy, I even forgot I had a miscarriage four years ago. I forgot. I literally forgot. And that was good. It was good because it means I was not anticipating the day, or dreading the date. It is good because it means that life goes on and that there are other challenges ahead. Life does not stop and life is worth living – regardless of the pain one goes through. Only God can make life worth living. It is good because even though I lost a baby, God has been good to me. It is good because now, even though there are other challenges, I am not dead.

My Shepherd is preparing a table for me in the presence of my enemies. Even though He makes me walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He walks with me. I am not alone. Sometimes I do feel alone, but I am not. There are people who love me and care for me.

My Savior lives.

Fixing my eyes on Jesus

A lot of things have happened recently. We are in our fifteenth week of homeschooling, and the magic has disappeared. Maybe I mentioned that already in another post. I am not as excited as I was at the beginning, and homeschooling is not as “awesome” as I thought it would be.

Let me rephrase that. My definition of “awesome” was: effortless, leisurable, and comfortable. Homeschooling has been anything but that. Yes, it has been awesome, but my perspective on what “awesome” actually is has changed.

I heard this at a conference, you know – it’s not like I was clueless. They said this was going to be hard – that I should expect it to be hard.  What was I thinking? That somehow my children somehow managed to escape the Total Depravity of man? LOL! 

9 What then? Are we better than they? Not at all; for we have already charged that both Jews and Greeks are all under sin; 10 as it is written,

“THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE;
11 THERE IS NONE WHO UNDERSTANDS,
THERE IS NONE WHO SEEKS FOR GOD;
12 ALL HAVE TURNED ASIDE, TOGETHER THEY HAVE BECOME USELESS;
THERE IS NONE WHO DOES GOOD,
THERE IS NOT EVEN ONE.”
13 “THEIR THROAT IS AN OPNE GRAVE,
WITH THEIR TONGUES THEY KEEP DECEIVING,”
“THE POISON OF ASPS IS UNDER THEIR LIPS”;
14 “WHOSE MOUTH IS FULL OF CURSING AND BITTERNESS”;
15 “THEIR FEET ARE SWIFT TO SHED BLOOD,
16 DESTRUCTION AND MISERY ARE IN THEIR PATHS,
17 AND THE PATH OF PEACE THEY HAVE NOT KNOWN.”
18 “THERE IS NO FEAR OF GOD BEFORE THEIR EYES.”

– Romans 3:9-18 NASB

The children and I spent a couple of weeks memorizing these verses as we have been studying the true condition of man’s nature after The Fall of Adam and Eve. I am a loyal ESV Bible reader, but lately I’ve been using the NASB. It capitalizes the text of the New Testament every time the Old Testament is quoted. How amazing is that?

In Romans 3:9-18, the apostle Paul is simply quoting the Hebrew Scriptures. He quotes Psalm 14:1-3, Psalm 53:1-3, Psalm 5:9, Psalm 140:3, Psalm 10:7, Proverbs 1:16, Isaiah 59:7,8.

And it makes sense, right? That as Paul is making the case for the sinfulness of man, the Jews are affirming everything they hear. They probably are thinking those non-Jews are the worst, and then Paul goes on to say, that EVERY ONE is under sin, both Jews and Greeks [non-Jews] alike. For there is no distinction, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)

During Bible time we have also talked about how the doctrine of Total Depravity does not mean you are as evil as you could be, but it does mean that the fall of Adam was so radical that the body, the mind, the will, the spirit—indeed, the whole person—have been infected by the power of sin. So our only hope then to overcome that condition is the mercy of God. We cannot just make some small adjustments or behavioral modifications, but we need a new heart. We need to be regenerated, we need to be born again from above. And as Jesus would explain to Nicodemus, being born into the kingdom is not a matter of man’s will, since flesh gives birth to flesh. But being born of the Holy Spirit is like the wind – it goes wherever it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it comes from or where it goes.

So how can someone be born again?

Do you put your faith in Jesus [pray a prayer or do whatever you need to do] and as a result of that action you are born again into the kingdom of God?

OR

You are born again from above [without your input, God changes your heart without your permission] and as a result you willingly come to faith and repentance in Christ?

I am convinced from the Scriptures that the latter is the biblical explanation for why anybody is a Christian. Anyways… it’s not new (at least in my own circles) that Reformed Theology has changed the way I see everything in life, and homeschooling is no exception.

I think this is what I have been confronted over and over again these fifteen weeks. My children were very responsive and excited the first week. They listened for the most part, and were obedient. Now, however, most of our days we are angry at our neighbor who is annoying us for the 24th time in the day…

 

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Civil War Weekend 2019

 

Libby and Enzo sit together side by side, and Enzo gets on her face all the time. Change seats, right? That’s the answer!! Well, nobody wants to change seats. Most of the classes they have to take together, so it is only natural that the older will be faster at some things, like writing or taking notes. The other morning, Libby started a whole argument in the bathroom trying to control the amount of time Enzo brushed his teeth. She is prone to have cavities so the rule for her is that she has to brush her teeth for two minutes using a small sand clock that she has. Enzo had one, too, but he broke it one day when he was angry. So… Libby was brushing her teeth and Enzo did not brush his teeth for the whole two minutes since she had already started with the clock. Well, that made Libby upset and she began bossing him around. He snapped at her about how he doesn’t have to obey her, and in retribution, she stuck her tongue at him and walked away.

Pretty funny, right? Although, it is not.

He then tossed his toothbrush full of toothpaste at the mirror, and made a mess which he proceeded to clean, but was having a difficult time cleaning. Then I realized all this had happened in less than two minutes, and I was not even aware of it. I was making my coffee in the kitchen and the only reason I got involved is because Enzo asked for help  on how to clean the mirror. I just asked him what had happened, and he got all hot again, which is and has always been a struggle for him – his anger. Then he began raising his voice at me, and I was not even part of this argument, but he began disrespecting me.  It took us probably more than ten minutes to settle the whole argument, with both parties involved, and without yelling at each other.

Everybody had to be confronted about their own sin in the situation, because everybody did sin. Libby was controlling to say the least, and then she showed contempt for her brother in sticking her tongue at him. I had a hard time not laughing when he told me he was upset because of that. It is hilarious for me as an adult who sees this from the outside, and has perspective on it, but seriously, what was happening in her heart at that particular moment that made her do that? I have showed contempt for people and for God. In a way, I have stuck my tongue at God when I have disregarded His ways, and have gone my own way.

Enzo, well, he lost control. He let his emotions rule. Yes, she sinned against him, so now how is he supposed to respond? Should he offer forgiveness or should he pay back evil for evil, and made a whole mess out of nowhere? Of course he was angry, and he had a good reason to be angry. One of the things I have learned to do in marriage is to overlook minor offenses, otherwise Emerson and I would be arguing more often!

How do we learn to do that? God is giving us plenty of daily opportunities to practice forgiveness while at the same time learning to confront sinful behavior by talking instead of throwing stuff at each other! God willing, this will be very helpful for their future marriages.

So this was the start of our day… we were just getting ready to start with Bible. I think that’s basically how all our days go – on and on throughout the day. Forget Math and Grammar, what gets me tired is fighting for the spiritual state of my children.

 

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North Houston Baptist Church Camping Trip 2019

 

A while ago I shared with someone that I was gonna be homeschooling my children. They looked at me in horror, I am not kidding – HORROR – and exclaimed, “WHY?!”

LOL! I did not take offense, this was not a Christian woman, so of course we had zero agreement on what matters the most in this life. But Christian or not Christian, situations like the toothpaste are exactly why we chose to homeschool. I don’t think I have ever written it all down. I have the privilege to address my children’s hearts as only I can. I get to disciple them and spend my days teaching them what matters the most in this life.

Who is going to teach them those things if not my husband and I?

Am I really naive enough to think that their home room teacher will? Even assuming the teacher is Christian, that person has no time in the day to address my child’s heart or the other twenty children in her classroom. They do not know my children. We never intended to get the children out of the public school system to put them in a Christian bubble in order to isolate them from sin. I am stuck with these little sinners every single day, and they are stuck with me. Sin is alive and well in our household. I guess it was way easier to send them over to school where somewhere else was bothered by their misbehavior. And what would the teacher do? Have a ten minute talk about sin and how sin gets in the way of our relationships? Of course not. So basically, at the end of the day I am exhausted, but I am so thankful we are doing this.

We are studying about other cultures, and other religions, and the questions have been great so far. I was not expecting Libby to ask me how do we know that Christianity is true.

 

You tell us all the time the Bible is true, and that every other religion is false. But the Muslim mother is teaching her children that Islam is true, and that everything else -including Christianity – is false. How do we know who is right?

– Libby

I froze for about five seconds LOL!

I didn’t have to deal with that question until I was 31 years old. Nobody ever prepared me to answer those things. And it is awesome that I get to use my spiritual gifts in teaching and preaching the gospel to my children over and over again [to my children – you know, in case you are not familiar with the uproar after Go Home].

The LORD has been so good to me and He has equipped me with so much knowledge and understanding about other religions, particularly Islam after living in India. It is a great opportunity that I get to teach apologetics and theology to my children. God has wired me with a passion for this, and it is great to be used by Him in that way. It doesn’t happen often (we do not follow a curriculum), but I think it comes often enough because we are studying the Scriptures every day. And as I write this post, I realize that the things that we have talked about have happened over a period of weeks, not necessarily in one sitting.

We have talked about the nature of truth claims, and how the most zealous sincere believers can be sincerely wrong. We have talked about how all religions share some truths together, but in reality, it is also nonsense to say that all religions teach the same things, because when you really study them side by side, they contradict each other at critical points. Simply said, Islam, Christianity, Jehova Witnesses, and Mormonism all have a different Jesus. For the JW, Jesus is Michael the archangel; for the Mormon, Jesus is the actual literal son of God who had sex with one of his many wives, brother of Satan, among other things; for Muslims, Jesus is a great prophet, but ultimately a man who, by the way, did not die on the cross (despite all the historical evidence from Jewish historians); and for Christians, Jesus is the Son of God, not a physical son, but of the same nature of the Father.

It takes a lot of time to go through many of those things. And I think that’s what I LOVE about being with them all the time. If I were not with them, all these hours that I am investing in their spiritual present and future would be spent somewhere else, with someone else, and they would be learning something else. They would still be discipled, but by other people. I know the LORD saves no matter what. He saved me, and nobody ever homeschooled me. God is mighty to save, but if I can spend this time with them, why wouldn’t I?

 

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He decided to get a haircut 😦

 

Ultimately, what I am striving for is to help them see what the Bible says about the condition of fallen man and how Christ is our only hope.

I have tried to make clear to them that if at any point in their lives (including right now) there is any real desire to follow after Christ in their hearts, that desire did not originate in their sinful hearts, but that God gave them that desire. Even though I believe their confession of faith is true, ultimately only God knows whether or not their faith in Jesus is genuine. And so, if they came to Christ is because it was granted to them by God, the Father, since nobody comes to the Son unless the Father draws him. That is the plain reading of the text.

We have memorized Romans 3: 9-18.

Who seeks after God? No one. There are no true seekers apart from the Holy Spirit already working in the hearts of those people.

Who is righteous in their heart that they fear the Lord? No one. So if they really believe, it is because God changed their hearts. How or when, I do not know. But I believe what Jesus said about the Holy Spirit blowing wherever He pleases, and we only see the effects of it.

If they are Christian, it is not because they are smarter than their peers, or because they are more reasonable than the unbelievers down the street, or more humble than other children or adults who refuse to accept Jesus. No. They are Christian because God had mercy on them. They are Christian because He chose to open their eyes. They are Christian because God chose them in Christ before the foundation of the world, that they should be holy and blameless before Him. Another plain reading of the text.  They are Christian because God, in love, predestined them to adoption to Himself as children through Jesus Christ, not according to their free will, or according to how amazing they are, because the text does not say that anywhere. If they are Christian, it is according to the purpose of His will, for the praise of his glorious grace. Therefore, they cannot really boast in their ability to choose for Christ, because if there is repentance and faith in their lives, even that is a gift of God, so that no one can boast.

So I guess, we pretty much are hanging on the mercy of the Lord at all times,  and that is a sobering thought. I have been very anxious about several things lately, and the original intention of my post was to talk about it, but I got sidetracked… I have been realizing that, literally, my every heart beat is a gift from God – every single time my heart beats depends on the LORD keeping it beating.

So apart from the grace of God, no matter how much evidence I could provide them so that they would believe Christianity is a factual, historical, reliable faith, they would never believe it anyway.  They cannot. That is exactly what the Bible claims. They are blind. They cannot please God on their own. Apart from Christ, they are God’s enemies. Apart from Christ, they are all alone in the world, without hope, following Satan. Apart from Christ, they are dead in their sins and trespasses, and by nature, children of wrath (Ephesians 1, Ephesians 2, John 6, Romans 5, Romans 8, John 3).

So they do not need evidence, the evidence is there, and will always be there. What they most desperately need is a miracle. They need the Holy Spirit to illuminate their hearts. They need to be born again. While I cannot birth them spiritually, I know that my prayers and my teaching of the Word of God to them are some of the means that God might use to bring them to faith. And even if He doesn’t, I am still commanded to do it. I need to trust God will glorify Himself through our lives.

This is basically why we homeschool. If we didn’t, we couldn’t compete with the 16,000+ hours that they would have spent in school. I want that time for Christ.

Oh, yes. Other than that, we are into crocheting, and rock climbing lately. My arms were sore for three days. I am also learning to play the piano 🙂

 

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Libby climbing.

Pinocchio

It is hard to believe that it has been four weeks of homeschooling the children. I am excited because Emerson and I get to be the ones who train them and influence them the most.

That was evident to me this week as we read Pinocchio. I had never read Pinocchio as a child. Actually, I never read as a child. So I am reading many books with them and for them. And that Pinocchio, I tell you, he is such a disrespectful, nasty, little brat. He deserves every single bad thing that ever happened to him and way worse**.

Then the fairy says Pinocchio has a good heart. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

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Going to church.

As we were reading, I was able to train them to see the worldview that Pinocchio presented them with. I began telling the children the truth about who we really are apart from Christ – we are not good, we are not righteous (Romans 3:23). We are blind and dead in our sins and trespasses (Ephesians 2). Also, when we read the Scriptures, we realize we are not really free; we are always slaves of the one we obey, either sin or righteousness (Romans 6:16).

And thanks be to God that it was Christ who actually set us free (Galatians 5), but not to live according to the flesh, but to live according to the Spirit (Romans 8). There is no way that out of our own self-determination we would be able to become “good” as poor little Pinocchio was trying to. So, yeah, we basically ripped down Pinocchio’s theology to shreds, LOL! Then we watched the movie just for fun!

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CyFair Fire Station

We have also read about Egypt, the Sumerians, and the Minoans. I almost feel bad because we can’t keep up with all the “suggested” reading. We built a ziggurat with sugar cubes and peanut butter. We also visited the Fire Station, and got to see a fireman put on all his gear. 

This month has been awesome. There are also days like today in which I  feel weird, and we ended doing school at the coffee shop. I was super sleepy, so I am glad I had a coffee. It was not a bad day, they had a lot of fun working their way to earn a cookie. I guess I am still getting used to doing this, it is a lot of work 🙂

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Doing Math

**I am thankful that the LORD does not give me what I actually deserve. I have been much, much worse than Pinocchio. Even today my feelings tried to rule my heart. The thought of the Holy One giving me justice, and treating me according to my iniquities makes me shudder. It is something that I don’t think about often, not because it is not true and right, but because I know that the LORD himself has provided THE way to escape His wrath – His own Son, Jesus Christ. In Him, justice was served, the righteous for the unrighteous. And for the praise of His glorious grace (Ephesians 1:6) I was given mercy.

I am thankful that I have been called to tell my children all about this amazing grace. And while I cannot open their eyes or bring spiritual life into their hearts, it is a privilege to be used as a tool in the hands of my God to bring them the only message through which God might save them – the Gospel (1 Peter1:22-25).

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
    slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
    nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
    nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
    so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
    so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
    he remembers that we are dust.

Psalm 103: 8-14

 

Inshallah – Part 1

I was given the opportunity at my church to share some of the things I learned in India. Given the fact that I’ve spent a lot of time comparing belief systems – and cultures – I thought it would be a great idea to teach my class about Muslims, and how to relate to them.

Well… I was wrong. I wrestled with God in preparing for that class. Like the Lord God wrestles with Jacob – and God wins – I think God led me to talk about something deeper that just information. The truth is – I told my group – that if they really want to know what Islam is or isn’t, they can go find out on the internet. And even then, information is so widely available that they would go insane trying to figure out who is representing Islam correctly and who is not.

My Muslimah would tell me, “Well, if you want to know about Islam, learn from me. I am a Muslim.” 

Well, yeah… then again, I see other Muslims, and they practice Islam very differently than her. So who is being really faithful to their religion? And the same goes for Christianity. I’m not being a hypocrite here. Therefore, I decided not to talk about these issues in my class. Instead, I decided to talk about HONOR AND SHAME cultures.

Most of you know that I am from Mexico. My society – my people – is very similar to the Muslim society. And for all I know, very similar to Eastern cultures. So I shared basic examples to help them understand how Honor and Shame look like in real life – specially because this is a church in which the majority of people are white. Their culture is totally different than mine. You can adapt to a culture – I believe – but there has to be a basic understanding of the dynamics of a culture (other than your own) if you want to be effective in sharing the Gospel with them.

So what I’m planning to do with the next series of posts is to share the things I talked about in the class, and after that I hope I can shed more light into the issues of salvation from the Muslim perspective, and how it relates to my perspective. I never really grasped why Muslims would say Inshallah.

Inshallah what?!

A Muslim could explain to me that they try to please Allah, and that their salvation is based on whether or not their scale is tilted to their good deeds at the end of their lives. But they would also tell me that even if the scale were tilted to the bad deeds, Allah in His infinite mercy, could still grant them paradise. The point is Muslims do not know. And so when I asked, “So are you going to heaven?” They always replied, “Inshallah, I will”. And that really confused me for a while. I’m learning new things about my own faith, and I’d like to share them.

More and more, I am letting go of myself and really running into His arms. He will keep me. He is amazing. He deserves all the glory, and all the praise, and all the honor. My prayer is that these posts would shed light into what has happened in my life lately. God, through these situations, has enabled me to see Him for who He is – The Greatest name, The All-Compassionate, The All-Merciful, The Inspirer of Faith – and I submit to Him.

NO. I’m not a Muslim at heart. Let me make that perfectly clear.

So just to make sure we are on the same page: I bow the knee to the Lord Jesus Christ, the author and perfecter of my faith. Christ died on the cross. I believe in my heart that God raised Him from the dead. Christ is the visible image of the invisible God, for by Christ all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through Christ and for Christ. Christ is before all things, and in Christ all things hold together.

I am not a Muslim, but I deeply love Muslims. I pray earnestly to My Father in Heaven that He will bring His chosen ones from Islam into a relationship with their Creator. If you are Muslim, I encourage you to keep reading. Hopefully, you will get to see for yourself why it is so difficult for you to reject Islam as your identity. You might have no idea of Honor and Shame in your society. Oh, but it is real… so real.

Rest assured though, when Allah calls you to faith in Jesus as Lord and Savior, you will dare to call Him Father.

 

To Muslims, on Ramadan

I’ve been hesitant about whether or not to write this post. There’s pain involved – my pain and others’ – and I’m not sure I will be able to communicate exactly how I feel. But being Ramadan, I felt compelled to write this piece. It will be long for sure. I wanted to share this for the sake of my own memory keeping. It’s easier to write down my thoughts once they’ve been processed.

I know some things about Ramadan. I spent a Ramadan in India. I wanted to fast with my friends, but I just didn’t seem to have the guts. I know it is one of the pillars of Islam. I know it is a time to get closer to Allah, and that Muslims abstain from food, drink, and sex to purify their souls. They feed the poor and the homeless. They make a big deal out of family. They help each other and the community. They pray. They give.

If you’re Muslim, I say to you, “Go for it”

Fast. Pray. Thank God for what He has given you. I love the idea of you wanting to please the Lord of the universe – The Creator of this world who is above all names. The God who made this Earth – so immense and full of glory. I love the idea of celebrating Him and Him only. I love the idea of worshipping Him with all our might.

Make no mistake, though, you will never be able to earn God’s favor. So watch your motives this Ramadan. I pray the LORD will reveal His glory to you this month. That’s exactly why I want to share what has been of me during the past few months: I’ve been in counseling.

I’ll skip you the details of how I got there, but there were some behaviors towards my spouse, and my children that were not right, or good, or healthy. I did not know this, of course. I thought my spouse was the only one in the wrong, and I wanted his behaviors to change. I was angry, but mostly sad – heartbroken. A friend who came alongside me encouraged me to get some help. So I did.

I was terrified of going to counseling. I think I had a panic attack while driving one night. I couldn’t take a deep breath. What am I gonna do? That is all I could think of. I had no idea about my future or my children’s future. I could only see what my fear was allowing me to see – a divorce. I mean, what else, right? If you go to counseling, and your husband doesn’t ever change… What did that mean? It obviously means he doesn’t love you enough to change.

Right?

I cried myself to sleep some nights thinking I was a liar. I had lied to my children… All those times in which I had told them Mommy and Daddy would be together forever might not be fulfilled. But what was I going to do as a divorced woman? I did not work. I had forsaken every single thing that could have allowed me to work. Plus, I was in a country that was not even my own. If I divorced my husband, that meant I was getting out of the country. Would I then stay with him just for my children? And I was so fearful of everything. Of every possible outcome. Then, if we divorced… my parents, his parents.

Oh, God! What was I going to do?

Why would God be doing this to me?  Maybe I didn’t pray enough. I always said I’d pray more for my marriage or my children, but I end up forgetting to pray more. Maybe I didn’t have enough faith. Maybe God was just testing my faith. Maybe I just had to persevere… Persevere? Doing what? I didn’t like my situation…

I just read an article this morning so full of everything I am feeling. You can read the original article here.

You might be feeling that if Jesus really cared so much for your comfort, then you would not be dealing with such pain. But that is not true. What is true is that you likely prefer the comfort that comes from the absence of discomfort, while Jesus prefers you to have the ultimate comfort of your holiness.

So while you might feel frustrated over a very uncomfortable situation you’re being forced to deal with, Jesus is actually pursuing your long-term comfort through that very situation.

That did not make sense six months ago. That Jesus wanted to achieve something in me through pain. Yet, in my counselor’s office, there’s a plaque that says:

Every true strength is gained through struggle.

The article continues:

If you’re a Christian, you are a disciple of Jesus. And by necessity, a disciple undergoes discipline. If a disciple is a student, then discipline is training. Jesus’s discipline for you, however severe (and it is severe at times), is not God’s wrath against you. If you are tempted to believe that, don’t. It’s your unbelief or the Enemy talking to you.

No, discipline is training. Training in what? Training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). The unique training course that Jesus has designed for you (he designs a unique course for each disciple) has one great aim: to teach you to trust him in everything. That’s his goal for you. Jesus wants you to learn to trust in him in all things at all times. For the more you trust Jesus, the holier you become.

And this is horrible. It has felt terrible at times. To trust God in everything…

Fearful, yes, but I went to counseling. Alone. I thought my marriage needed help. I needed help. I needed perspective. Hands down, it has been one of the best decisions of my life.

Of course, I wanted my counselor to tell me if I was gonna end up having a divorce. Or for her to tell me if the situation that had led me to finally look for help was really that bad. Maybe it wasn’t that bad, you know? Maybe I was overreacting, or maybe I was making a big deal of something that was not a big deal.

During my very first session I learned that I am prone to make idols of things or people. And that was so weird. My counselor said, “If you cannot say NO to something or someone, you have made an idol out of that thing”. She then told me to go, and ask the Lord to reveal things to me. I was supposed to do that for the next week. Just to ask the Lord.

“Why do I make idols, God?  Why do I get in these kind of relationships? Why do I feel the need to rescue or care for people?”. 

I kid you not, the word CODEPENDENCY came to my mind. I am familiar with the word because my sister has always said my mom is codependent. I had no idea of what that word entailed, though. And, of course,  I never thought it would involve me. But after reading about it, I realized the condition fits me quite well. Like a 100%

I have always felt that I’m stupid. That I am unworthy. That I am a failure. That I am not enough. I have always felt the need for approval and recognition, the need to control people, and how dreadful it is to make a simple decision. I know about low self-esteem, and compulsive behaviors like trying to be the best mom, or the best cook, or the best wife. Always trying to find purpose in something outside of myself because it helped me to avoid dealing with myself. Pleasing people.

It’s taken me some time to read about codependency, and the reasons that drive my behaviors – specially with my husband and my children. My family of origin played obviously a big part on that. My dad is an addict, and my mom has always enabled him. I can’t generalize a whole culture based on my childhood experiences, but my culture revolves very much around shame.

 I lived in a very dysfunctional family where pain, and anger, and fear – feelings in general – were not to be expressed. There was never confrontation. I learned to repress my emotions, and disregard my own needs. I became a survivor. I developed behaviors that helped me deny, ignore or avoid difficult emotions. I don’t think I had every trusted anyone for real – not even my husband. Just until recently I thought self-control was meant to be swallowing what you were feeling. Stuffing it deep down inside you, and you never talk about it. That was not right.

But that’s how I learned to do life. I asked my counselor, “Where is God in all this? Where has He been?”. She said, “What do you mean? He is in the middle of it…”

I did not understand what she meant at that point, but little by little it’s beginning to make sense that God IS the One revealing all these things to me. He is the One guiding me through all this process. And I’ve been given the opportunity to face who I am – to know who I really am. I heard a sermon the other day in which Rich Nathan said that we really are worse than we think. But God loves us more than we can ever imagine.

Also, God has been singing a lot of songs to me. With me, I think. So I will share many of those lyrics…
Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying? Let me lift up your face. Just don’t turn away.
Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?
To where will you go child? Tell me where will you run, to where will you run?

Idols. My husband. My children. My friends. It all made sense. I am always trying to make people happy. Somehow I grew up like this. Trying not to rock the boat. It has become clearer than water that all I have ever wanted is for someone to love me. And the need for love has been so great that I went way too far in so many relationships to make that happen. I would lose myself – if that makes sense – so that other’s would love me.

It was painfully obvious with my husband. He never asked for this, but I put him on a throne. The throne that God deserved. I was expecting my husband to fulfill something that God did not create him to fulfill. I was setting my husband for failure really – expecting him to make me happy and to satisfy my most deepest need for love.

Dear God, won’t you please…  Could You send someone here who would love me?

Who  would love me for me, not for what I have done or what I would become. Who would love me for me… ’cause nobody has shown me what love really means.

I know you’ve murdered, and I know you have lied… And I watched you suffer all of your life. And now that you listen, I will tell you that I – I will love you for you. Not for what you have done or what you will become. I will love you for you, I will give you the love, the love that you never knew.

What love really means

After my first session – that obviously rocked my world – I told my husband that I was going to start making changes for me, and that I hoped that we could really have a good relationship, and work through the challenges that lied ahead. I said I did not want to be afraid anymore of anybody or anything. I was going to follow God wherever He would lead, even if that meant that our relationship would have to come to and end. I never felt that God was telling me to divorce my husband – let me be clear about that.

The Lord has been very gracious to me, showing me that it was not my husband who needed to change, but me. Mainly ME. It was liberating to see that this person I thought was perfect, was so imperfect. It opened my eyes to the fact that I had been trying to get my worth based on my husband, or my children, or my friends. On what people thought of me. Counseling has really changed my life. The Lord is changing my life through it.

God has shown me that even when I had been so unfaithful to Him (basically breaking the Shema Yisrael, and the first three commandments since EVER), He still wanted ME. God wanted ME. He was pursuing me. He was like a husband in love with His Bride.

And I was His Bride! 

I have always wanted someone to love me like this. And I was so angry at God, because this love that He was offering to me, I wanted it. Yes. But I wanted it from my husband. I wanted to be everything to my husband. God showed me, very gently, that I would always be disappointed if I kept on expecting this from my spouse. That was not my spouse’s role. He was not meant to make me happy. That was not what marriage was all about. Marriage meant something much deeper. Marriage was about intimacy.

An intimacy that I had never had – not even with my husband. Intimacy meant more than sex. Intimacy meant feeling wholly accepted just the way I was. Marriage was a mirror, like a reflection of the intimacy God wanted to have with me. But all those dreams, and hopes and expectations were for the Lord to fulfill – not my husband. I would keep hitting a wall if I expected somebody else to fulfill them. Only the LORD was perfect to meet and surpass my expectations of love.

Another thing was I didn’t even know who I was. And I’m still learning. I know this might sound weird, but it’s difficult for me to know what I like or dislike. I was raised to mirror everybody else. I am afraid of making mistakes,  I’m afraid of being rejected. I was rejected as a child. I felt rejected by the people who were supposed to love me the most – my parents. I was abused emotionally. It’s difficult to say those words because maybe it wasn’t that bad. I’ve tried to find memories – good memories – but it is so difficult. I cannot remember my dad telling me he loved me while sober. And I cannot remember my mom not being worried, or angry, or crying, or yelling, or taking care of him. And it hurts.

But it was bad.  Yes, it was that bad. It was not okay. It was not normal to go through what I went through. No child should ever need to hear a parent calling her stupid. No child should ever have to beg for forgiveness from a parent. No child should ever have to wake up in the middle of the night, and decide if she should stay with her dad or go with her mom. I think I faced these feelings and for the first time I said, “Yes. It hurts. And no, it was not okay.”

I had never done that before.

Do you dream of a home you never had?

An innocence that you cannot get back

The pain is real. You can’t erase it. Sooner or later you have to face it down. Down.

You have to face it down.

You are loved.

Do you keep your thoughts inside your head? Will you regret the things you never said? You have a voice. You have to use it. You have a choice. Don’t let them shut you down. Down. Don’t let them shut you down

You are loved

Do you feel the ache inside your soul? You know you’ll never make it on your own.
Sorrow is too great for you to hold it. You’re gonna break. Why don’t you lay it down?
Freedom comes in letting go. Open up the window to your heart.

Freedom comes in letting go. Open up your heart.

Loved

Why would you want to be with me, God? Don’t you know who I am?

I cannot relate to a loving father. Let me be fair. I know my dad loves me – in whatever his idea of love is. I give him that. But then you tell me about a Heavenly Father who loves me. Uh… I know what the Bible says. I know.  It is the very first time that I am experiencing this kind of love, though.

God also has revealed to me that I know nothing about unconditional love. I grew up learning behaviors, and I made them my own to survive. Making people feel guilty, putting people down in order to feel better myself, I manipulated and controlled others. I basically knew emotional blackmail very well. I have blamed others for my lack of self control, and I have let others abuse me. I have tried to fill my need for love and acceptance the best way I had known so far. I don’t forgive. I always remember so that I can bring it back.

God has been been so very gentle and sweet while giving me a reality check of who I am now. I feel like I should not use these corny terms to describe the Maker of the Universe, but He has been so very gentle. Like if I was dating somebody for the very first time, He would be the perfect date. He has shown me that He has loved me forever. That even though I have rejected Him, He is still waiting for me to come back. That now that I had a clear picture of who I was, I was able to walk towards the woman He made me to be. And all this, He does because He loves me. Nothing else.

God is not codependent, that’s for sure. He doesn’t need me. And He loves me. Unconditionally. So it began to make sense. This intimacy thing. This is what it means. It means that God knows who we really are, and He loves us. There’s acceptance. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It meant that I didn’t fear divorce anymore. Becasue the truth is that my husband is a gift God gave me. He is my husband, and I want to know him, and I want him to know me. So I’ve been open in sharing with him these feelings and issues, and he says he loves me. It means conflict and arguments are there. It means I don’t need perfection. It means I feel accepted. And I also need to work on being accepting.

God loves me. I wanted this with God. Yes, with my husband, too. But God. With God. This is the relationship God wants with me. Why would I say NO to that?

I bought myself a ring. I married God. My other marriage is fine, by the way. We are learning to communicate better, and I’m not stuffing my feelings when I am angry. I’m learning to be assertive, and we are not divorcing – this goes beyond divorce. God is changing ME.

I am the Lord’s wife first. He is the one that will fulfill ALL the expectations of love I have. He is actually showing me what love really means. He has been faithful to me even when I have been a spiritual prostitute. He has shown me what a Covenant Keeper He is. He does not leave nor forsake me based on my performance. He has lived with me the book of Hosea. Even after I had gone after my Baals, my lovers, and forgotten Him; He has betrothed me in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and mercy.

He is a devoted husband.

Your love is devoted like a ring of solid gold,
like a vow that is tested like a covenant of old.
Your love is enduring through the winter rain,
and beyond the horizon with mercy for today.
Faithful You have been and faithful you will be.
You pledge yourself to me, and it’s why I singYour praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You Father the orphan. Your kindness makes us whole.
And you shoulder our weakness, and your strength becomes our own.
Now you’re making me like you, clothing me in white.
Bringing beauty from ashes, for You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name and it’s why I sing

Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips

You will be praised. You will be praised.
With angels and saints we sing worthy are You Lord!

You see it? It is LOVE. It is nothing else. If you know what I am talking about, if you have struggled with acceptance and your self-worth, you understand the need to be loved. And you understand that you would give yourself to people, and do things in order to get a tiny crumb of love. You may not be aware of it, but you stay in relationships that deep down you know they are not good for you, or you don’t even like to get something – acceptance, praise, whatever it might be.

I have given myself to get something in return. Always. Becasue I want to be loved. But God? What does He need? He doesn’t need anything. Why would God give Himself to me like this?

He wants me to be FREE…

All my Christian life, I have been a slave. To my idols. I had failed to see that Christ died to set me free from my sin, but also from the things, and behaviors, and patterns of thought that have entangled my earthly life. This is what it means to walk with Christ. Yes, I get heaven, but I also get to enjoy my life here and now. My Lord and my Savior died so that I could be free to choose Him.

That’s what God’s more interested in – my freedom. I understand slavery. I have been a slave to my anger, and to these behaviors that I’m working on changing. Along the way, I had been raising little slaves… They don’t deserve this. No child deserves what I went through. And while I am not and will never be the perfect mother, I do want to change my family history. Without realizing it, I had been encouraging the same patterns of family disfunction that both my husband and I were raised in. It is so clear now.

On my last session I was so very happy to share with my counselor some changes that I’ve made, and some tough conversations that I had with people I was afraid of. I felt different. I turned around, and I read a verse that meant a lot to me:

Remember not the former things,
nor consider the things of old.
Behold, I am doing a new thing;
now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19-19

This is in the context of the prophet Isaiah speaking to the Israelites. God is telling them He will deliver them AGAIN from Babylon – another “exodus”. Where there is no clear path ahead of me, God will create one. He is always a step ahead of me. He knew about all this. He knew about my fears, and about my shame. He has covered it all.

I am learning a lot about being a parent in counseling. I am learning to show my children who they are, and who God is. To show them, not to teach them. I was teaching them one thing, but showing them a completely different one. I was being harsh, laying down the law. If they did something, they paid. Again, God is changing ME.

I am being more patient. More forgiving. I think that can be mistaken as if I’m letting them off the hook many times, but I don’t think I am. I am just showing my children what I have been learning myself. I am showing them how to regulate their emotions, and really, how to manage them. I just feel that I haven’t been very gracious to them in all these years. I have been expecting a behavior that it is right -like obedience – but I don’t think I have taken enough time to cultivate what it takes for that behavior to develop.

Basically I haven’t been a very good listener. It’s taking a whole lot of help from the Lord to wait fifteen minutes by my son’s side while he cannot stop crying. Waiting until we can talk about what triggered that anger explosion. It was easier to spank him because he pushed his sister, and then make him apologize. And then he would cry more and more. And sometimes I do think, “You know, all this emotional Let’s-talk-about-it-crap takes a lot of time, and a lot of effort…”

And the truth is I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t. Then I close my eyes, and I’m like, “Yeah, well… nobody showed you how to deal with your emotions. You have stuffed them all your life and when they explode, it has been disastrous – in family, in friendships, in marriage… “

The Lord reminded me of this the other day at the library:

The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

Psalm 103:8-13

 

I have been treated so tenderly by my heavenly Father. He is showing me how forgiving He is. I deserve the worst, but I don’t get what I deserve. He loves me. Are there consequences? Yes. Is there discipline? Yes. But I am just happy that God is working something in me through both my children and their strong will. He is showing me how to be more like Jesus. Isn’t that the point of the Christian life anyway? Jesus will not leave me alone…

So yeah, feelings are not being stuffed anymore. I think it is being particularly difficult for my husband. Sometimes I think that what I do here at home does not really have an impact on anyone. But I am realizing, basically, that God is helping my husband and I to get closer to each other, and also to potentially change future generations. God is helping me to break away from the cycle of abuse and codependency of at least four generations on my side.

I’ve been swimming, so this next song means a lot to me. I’ve never swam before, so learning to breathe correctly and all that was very challenging for me. All those feelings of inadequacy, of being a loser, would continually come to my mind. But I kept on trying and I’m getting much better. In my class, sometimes we practice drafting for triathlons. When there is a lot of people swimming next to you, the water gets really choppy. And even though I know how to breathe correctly, sometimes when I open my mouth all I get is water inside. No air. I have to put my head back in the water, then lift it up again, and try harder.

This time in my life has felt a little bit like that – like swimming in choppy water trying to get air. But God has been with me every step of the way. We are not done yet. I’m sure He will keep on revealing things to me, things that as of right now I have no idea about.

I like swimming because God showed me that I can swim. When I see a lake or a pond, I feel like swimming there, even though I have never swam in open water before. The idea of drowning in an open-water swim terrified me, but I can’t wait to try it now.

One final thought. I began this post with Muslims in mind. If you are Muslim, and you are reading this, I think you can relate to a lot of the issues I talked about. We do share honor and shame societies. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have been treated like this. I pray that one day you will be able to relate to God in this forgiving, accepting, and unconditional-loving way.  There is no other way,  but through Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.

Life gets choppy at times. Being Ramadan I know you want to please Allah. I know. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him for a dream. Test Him on that. Dare to call Him Father. And always remember that if God calls you to swim, He will keep you breathing above the waves.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep. My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name. And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise. My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Oh, Jesus, you’re my God!

Oceans

F.A.C.T’s of the Resurrection of Jesus

This teaching on the Resurrection is great. Many good points for apologetics with Muslims 🙂

 

Did Jesus really rise from the death?

I believed in Christianity because its message appealed to me. I was raised running on an empty love-tank. I believed it. I never asked if it was true – I just wanted LOVE.

Unconditional love.

But a feeling didn’t matter when I was confronted with other faiths. So I was ready – as difficult as it was – to test my own beliefs, and follow the evidence. It was the worst year of my life, but without a doubt, it was the most enriching experience I have ever had.

I hope you enjoy this debate. David Wood is one of my personal heroes.

Did Jesus rise from the dead?

And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins…

1 Corinthians 15:17

He is risen 🙂

 

The Jewish Roots of Christianity

Great video. Go Columbus, Ohio! 🙂

In Craig Evan’s book,  From Jesus to the Church: The First Christian Generation, he says:
 
 “Did Jesus intend to found the Christian church? This interesting question can be answered in the affirmative and in the negative. It depends on what precisely is being asked. If by church one means an organization and a people that stand outside of Israel, the answer is no. If by a community of disciples committed to the restoration of Israel and the convers…ion and instruction of the Gentiles, then the answer is yes. Jesus did not wish to lead his disciples out of Israel, but to train followers who will lead Israel, who will bring renewal to Israel , and who will instruct Gentiles in the way of the Lord. Jesus longed for the fulfillment of the promises and the prophecies, a fulfillment that would bless Israel and the nations alike. The estrangement of the church from Israel was not the result of Jesus’ teaching or Paul’s teaching. Rather, the parting of the ways, as it has been called in recent years, was the result of a long process”—Craig Evans , From Jesus to the Church: The First Christian Generation.
Here are the chapters from the book:
Partings—How Judaism & Christianity Became Two - Hardcover
:
I. The Jewish Jesus Movement
Geza Vermes
II. From the Crucifixion to the End of the First Century
James D.G. Dunn
III. The Godfearers: From the Gospels to Aphrodisias
Bruce Chilton
IV. The Christian Flight to Pella? The Archaeological Picture
Pamela Watson
V. Parting in Palestine
Joan Taylor
VI. Christianity in Antioch: Partings in Roman Syria
Annette Yoshiko Reed and Lily Vuong
VII. Living Side by Side in Galilee
Eric M. Meyers
VIII. Jews and Christians at Rome: An Early Parting of the Ways
Margaret H. Williams
IX. Christianity’s Rise After Judaism’s Demise in Early Egypt
Robert A. Kraft and AnneMarie Luijendijk
X. Ebionites and Nazoraeans: Christians or Jews?
Matt A. Jackson-McCabe
XI. In Between: Jewish-Christians and the Curse of the Heretics
Shaye J.D. Cohen
XII. The Complexities of Rejections and Attraction, Herein of Love and Hate
Steven Fine
XIII. From Sabbath to Sunday: Why, How and When?
Lawrence T. Geraty
XIV. Social Organization and Parting in East and West
Arye Edrei and Doron Mendels
XV. Did They Ever Part?
 Who is the Founder of Christianity? Jesus or Paul?
Linguistically speaking, Christianity didn’t exist in the first century. Judaism in the first century wasn’t seen as a single “way.” There were many “Judaism’s”- the Sadducees, the Pharisees, Essenes, Zealots, etc.  The followers of Jesus are referred to as a “sect” (Acts 24:14;28:22); “the sect of the Nazarenes” (24:5).
Josephus refers to the “sects” of Essenes, Pharisees, Sadducees. The first followers of Jesus were considered to be a sect of Second Temple Judaism.

Another quote by Evans:

But we must ask if Paul has created a new institution, a new organization, something that stands over against Israel, something that Jesus himself never anticipated. From time to time learned tomes and popular books have asserted that the Christian church is largely Paul’s creation, that Jesus himself never intended for such a thing to emerge. Frankly, I think the hypothesis of Paul as creator of the church or inventor of Christianity is too simplistic. A solution that is fairer to the sources, both Christian and Jewish, is more complicated. -Evans, Craig A., From Jesus to the Church: The First Christian Generation .

Take a look at both quotes from Evans in this post.  From the author’s own experience, most Christians and Jewish people like the current boundaries. In other words, we have two separate religions- Judaism and Christianity. Thus, we don’t care much about as to how we got to that place. One thing for sure: If we discuss the “imperial Christianity” that was legalized in the fourth century by Constantine and whether Jesus or Paul is the founder of that, the answer is no. By then, the Christianity that existed was so far away from what Jesus and Paul had done, it had morphed into a new and separate religion.

As Evans says, this was the result of complex factors.

Do these issues matter for apologetics?

Yes! See the post called Why the Debate Over Christian Origins Matter!

What if the copies were corrupted?

I think I’ve written on this subject before, but why not to keep on writing? This post was originally written here.

Suppose you own a Bible, but it’s translated in a style that’s difficult to understand. Or maybe your Bible has simply worn out from years of usage. If so, you can easily walk into any Christian bookstore and pick up a different version of the Bible.

The earliest Christians couldn’t do that.

There was no “Polycarp Standard Version” or “Saint James Study Bible with Limited Edition Camel-Knee Binding” on anyone’s bookshelf, and there were no printing presses or photocopy machines. Early Christians read the Scriptures from codexes and scrolls. These copies of the Scriptures were hand-written from whatever manuscripts the copyists happened to possess when a copy was needed. And so, it was crucial for copyists to reproduce these texts accurately.

But did they? What if the copies of the New Testament were corrupted over the centuries?

Certain skeptics give the impression that ancient copyists changed the biblical texts in ways that ought to worry Christians today (this is certainly the case with Muslims).

Here’s how Bart Erhman describes the status of the New Testament manuscripts:

Not only do we not have the originals [of the Greek manuscripts of the New Testament], we don’t have the first copies of the originals.… What we have are copies made later—much later. … These copies differ from one another in so many places that we don’t even know how many differences there are. … Christianity … is a textually oriented religion whose texts have been changed, surviving only in copies that vary from one another, sometimes in highly significant ways.[1]

Such statements suggest that the process of copying the Scriptures worked something like the Telephone Game (much like skeptics have depicted the oral histories you learned about in a previous chapter). In the Telephone game, of course, you might start with “I like pepperoni pizza” but end up with “Don’t let the purple aliens build pyramids when the zombies attack.”

Could it be that the verses in the New Testament have been similarly corrupted by careless copyists? If so, even if the original New Testament texts told the truth, how can we be sure that what we read in the New Testament today is true, since it may have changed over the centuries? Has the message of Jesus been lost in transmission?

Truth be told, the skeptics’ claims are overblown. The New Testament has not changed significantly over the centuries, and nothing essential to the message of Jesus has been lost in transmission.[2] In the first place, manuscripts weren’t copied a single time and then tossed aside, like the individual sentences whispered around the circle in a Telephone Game. Manuscripts were kept, repeatedly copied, and sometimes used to check later copies.

What’s more, textual critics today don’t start with the manuscripts left over at the end of the copying process, like the last sentence uttered in the Telephone Game. The Greek text that stands behind today’s New Testament is the result of careful reconstruction using the earliest surviving manuscripts, not a few leftovers at the end!

So, yes, copyists made mistakes, and some copyists even altered texts. And yet, such lapses were relatively rare. Copyists worked hard to keep their copies correct and, for the most part, they got it right. Even when they didn’t get it right, most of their mistakes were mere misspellings or slips of the pen—variants that are easy to spot and easily corrected. When it comes to more difficult variants, so many manuscripts and fragments of the New Testament have survived that scholars can almost always reconstruct the original reading of the text. In those few instances where uncertainty about the right reading remains, none of the possibilities changes anything that Christians believe about God or about his work in the world.

So did copyists make changes in the manuscripts? Of course they did!

The copyists were human beings, and being human means making mistakes. Since God chose not to override their humanity as they copied the New Testament, these human beings were every bit as prone to short attention spans, poor eyesight, and fatigue as you or me. They had no eyeglasses or contact lenses to sharpen their vision, and they relied on the flickering light of lamps to see.

Since God did not “re-inspire” the text each time it was reproduced, sometimes the copyists miscopied their sources. Once in a while, they even tried to fix things that weren’t broken by changing words that they thought a heretic might misconstrue.[3] The result is hundreds of thousands of copying variants scattered among the New Testament manuscripts.

One popular skeptic’s much-repeated soundbite is that “there are more variations among our manuscripts than there are words in the New Testament”; this statement is technically true but—unless his listeners are aware of the vast number of New Testament manuscripts that survive today—it’s also a bit misleading.[4]

There are around 138,000 words in the Greek New Testament, and hundreds of thousands of variants can be found scattered among the Greek manuscripts— but that number of variants comes from adding up every difference in every surviving manuscript from the Greek New Testament.[5] Well over 5,000 Greek New Testament manuscripts have been preserved as a whole or in part—more than any other text from the ancient world![6] With so many surviving manuscripts, it doesn’t take long for the number of variants to exceed the number of words in the Greek New Testament.

If only one manuscript of the New Testament had survived, there would have been zero variants (and this single manuscript would probably have become an idol to which people would make pilgrimages today!). But early Christians believed that all of God’s Word should be accessible to all of God’s people. And so, every church seemed to have possessed its own codexes of apostolic texts—and that’s why more than 5,000 whole or partial manuscripts survive today.

Spread across millions and millions of words in more than 5,000 manuscripts, the variations represent a small percentage of the total text. According to one scholar, the New Testament text is 92.6% stable.[7] In other words, all these differences affect less than 8% of the New Testament text! What’s more, the overwhelming majority of these differences have to do with words that are misspelled or rearranged—differences that have no impact on the translation or meaning of the text.[8]

What this means practically is that the text of the New Testament has been sufficiently preserved for us to recover the words that God intended and inspired. What’s more, several portions of the New Testament survive from the second century—a century or less after the time when God first inspired eyewitnesses of the risen Lord to write!

The New Testament is, in fact, the best preserved text from the ancient world. Greek scholar D.A. Carson sums up the issue in this way: “The purity of text is of such a substantial nature that nothing we believe to be true, and nothing we are commanded to do, is in any way jeopardized by the variants.”[9]

____________

Portions of this blog post were contributed by Elijah Hixson. 

 

We know (if you are familiar with what the Muslims claim) that every single book in antiquity has been corrupted. By corruption, I mean that people used to keep on copying the manuscripts, and therefore some errors happened. This is certainly the case with the New Testament. There was never an intention to control the text (check out the debate about the Quran with James White that I posted below). The text needed to get out of Jerusalem so that everybody knew what had happened.

Every single person had a different book (either the letter to the Romans, or to the Corinthians) and they made a copy for themselves or for their family. Nobody was trying to alter them on purpose. It is impossible to think that people would get so victorious at changing the doctrines in the New Testament so perfectly, at the same time – without even being organized. The New Testament Manuscript tradition has thousand and thousands of manuscripts.

The Muslim claim is that the Quran we have now has always been the same ever since Gabriel dictated it to Muhammad. But if we are to apply the same standard – not a double standard – on how we treat the Quran and the New Testament, then the Quran is also corrupt. And if it is corrupted – just like any book of antiquity is – then the doctrine of perfect preservation of the Quran is false. That would mean… many things, I guess. No eternal tablets in heaven, no assurance of what Muhammad and his companions wrote down were actually Allah’s words. No hope that Allah’s language is Arabic or that Islam is the religion that pleases Allah or actually true… The Quran is just another book.

If the perfect preservation of the Quran fails… how can Islam survive? Listen to the questions White raises. Where are the manuscripts of the Quran? There are variations in the text of the Quran? How do you know what the original said? Muslims say there are 450 thousand Quran manuscripts. Fine. Where are they? We want to see the list. We can give you all the list of the New Testament manuscripts, and you can go online and find the entire catalog right now. Where is that for the Quran?

Is the Quran reliable? White vs Ismail

Is the Bible reliable? White vs Ismail

Is the Quran perfectly preserved? Part 1

Is the Quran perfectly preserved? Part 2 

You might also want to read Dr. James White’s What every Christian needs to know about the Quran. It’s very a well documented research on the history of how the Quran came to be from the main Islamic sources. But if you watch the top two debates, I’m sure you’ll get the idea.

[1] Bart Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus (New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 2005), 7, 10–11, 69, 132, 208.

[2] See also Daniel B. Wallace, “Lost in Transmission,” Revisiting the Corruption of the New Testament (Grand Rapids: Kregel, 2011), 31–33; Darrell Bock, (Nashville: Nelson, 2010), 71.

[3] See Bart Ehrman’s scholarly work The Orthodox Corruption of Scripture (New York: Oxford University Press, 1993). In those relatively few instances where the text has been intentionally altered, it was not primarily heretics altering New Testament texts to fit their beliefs; it was often the orthodox altering texts for the perceived purpose of preventing misuse of the text by heretics. While one may take issue with some of Ehrman’s specific applications, his overall case is well-argued.

[4] Ehrman, Misquoting Jesus, 90.

[5] Ehrman (Misquoting Jesus, 89) places the high end of his estimate at 400,000. Careful statistical analysis by Peter Gurry has resulted in an estimate between 500,000 and 550,000, not including misspellings (“Demanding a Recount,” presentation, Evangelical Theological Society, 2014).

[6] The listing in 2003 included a total of 5,735 manuscripts of the Greek New Testament represented in whole or in part (Bruce Metzger and Bart Ehrman, The Text of the New Testament 4th ed. [New York: Oxford University Press, 2005], 50).

[7] K. Martin Heide, “Assessing the Stability of the Transmitted Texts of the New Testament and The Shepherd of Hermas,” The Reliability of the New Testament, ed. Robert Stewart (Minneapolis: Fortress, 2011), 138. This percentage coheres well with the seven percent figure for variants suggested by Paul Wegner, A Student’s Guide to Textual Criticism of the Bible (Downers Grove: InterVarsity, 2006), 231.

[8] Wallace, “Lost in Transmission,” 20–21.