So exactly a week ago, I wrote some thoughts on Easter and Dying. You can see that post here. I knew Easter was coming, and I felt writing a post was needed if only for the purpose of saying I wrote something. Today, being Easter Sunday, I don’t even know where to begin…
That last post was pathetic… so sad, and yet so true. I am tired, physically and emotionally. At times, I am sick with sadness. I’m on edge some days. It is also April, and I am a teacher LOL! But honestly, one cannot be a Christian for almost twenty years, and expect to continue living life with pink glasses. At some point, your life – your faith – will be tested. It will be tried, pruned, refined. You will encounter suffering. And I am not your pastor, so I am not going to elaborate on my theology of suffering. I am going to assume that when I write, you will follow along, or that at least, you will have enough interest to read your Bible, and find the context of what I am talking about. Also, I am going to be jumping a lot in my story telling, but my point is this: Death will die.
So get this: Fourteen days ago, I was home and I was completely exhausted. I was done. I did not have a good night sleep for two days in a row and when that happens, my brain doesn’t like it very much. Then I received a phone call by one of the few teenagers in my life that I love very much: my ex-boyfriend’s son. That takes me back to April 2024, when I was still living in my apartment (cause I just bought a house!) and I invited my upstairs neighbor to a school gala. I, to this day, will continue to maintain that it was never my intention to ask my neighbor on a date. I did want a date, in fact, I was on several dating apps at the time, but all the men I met through them, were a bunch of losers. And I am being sensitive, but there is no way that at age forty, you show up drunk to a date, or you just borrow four of my books, and then you never text me back again. What the hey – ThiEF!!
Honestly, how do people my age find good dates? Like, the ex-husband of my ex-husband’s wife just got married a couple months ago to a wonderful girl (my children’s stepsister told me) and I’m here like, “I am still processing and learning to enjoy being myself with the good and the bad and the ugly, and everybody already remarried except ME! LOL!”
So, back to the phone call. No, wait, the boyfriend. I invited my neighbor to this dinner with my school because all my dates were a bunch of losers, and I did not want to go alone. That’s the truth. My neighbor, for all I knew, was a serial killer, but I did not think so because I had previously talked to him on a couple of occasions. I found that he was a single dad with a boring life, just like mine. All he did, or all I saw him doing, was going out to workout early in the morning, and driving his children around to soccer or swimming. So I thought, “If this dude comes with me to the dinner, then that’s it. I have fun, he goes out. Good night.”
We never stopped talking after that night. He was incredible smart, a Renaissance man. I work at a Classical school, so of course, he was super interesting. I was delighted to hear him talk about Shakespeare, mostly because inside my own head, I was playing jokes to myself such as, “Remind me how in the world do we like this dude? He’s a poet, a musician and loves musicals! LOL!”
I LOVE MUSICALS!
My neighbor had a sweet, gentle smile. He loved cooking for his children. He pursued me to the death. He made me espressos every morning on my way to school, and baked banana bread for my children. He also wrote down his banana bread recipe for my coworkers, and to this day we still talk about it at my school. He had deep, blue eyes, and I stupidly fell in love with him. That was awesome for a variety of reasons LOL! One, life goes on. I actually had a heart. I realized I had a heart that could feel… so we dated for like four months, until one day he broke up with me.
We talked about getting married – it was serious. We were not dating without serious considerations. But at the same time, we were not “dating” officially. I mean, sure, we were holding hands, and going to the grocery store, and sucking face, but I knew better LOL!
I could not introduce this man to my family unless I knew he was a Christian. When I say my family, I mean my pastor and my congregation. My neighbor knew from the very beginning that this was my position. Unless he could articulate the gospel, and explain to me how he came to faith in Christ, and was willing to sit with me and study the 1689 LBCF, nothing was going to move forward. I forgot a key element in this story: He was Lutheran, from the ELCA. Women pastors and such… and if you know anything about me (either because you have read my blog or because you personally know me) you should be ROFL. This is the man I was willing to marry LOL!
He had great qualities, don’t get me wrong, but spiritually, I felt we were worlds apart. He talked to my pastor several times and my pastor advised him not to date me at all. At all. My pastor told him to pursue Christ, not me, but you see, I was irresistible LOL!
Oh, gosh! This is awesome. God is so good! You just keep reading…
The thing is my neighbor and I didn’t see the world the same way. We had different priorities. Mine was to be a wife and a mom. I wanted a husband to share life with, a husband to take care of. While I was working full-time now, and I knew I would not go back to be a SAHM, I did not have plans or have ever had plans to change the world in any astounding way, you know what I mean? My neighbor, on the other hand, wanted to “blast off on the rocket ship of his life” knowing his wife would be waiting home for him to refuel while being fulfilled and joyful. He told me he was not the man for me – over text. Over a 473- word text. SMH.
He was right in breaking up with me. I behaved in ways that were not healthy. There are two versions to every story, and his was that I had many insecurities. I did. My insecurities apparently took him to an unhealthy place, filled with ghosts from his past (his previous marriage). I wanted to be a teacher, raise my children and serve Christ. He wanted to get busier and busier as life went on. Do public service, politics. Save the world, I guess. My neighbor broke my heart because in a nutshell, he said, we were incompatible.
I hated that word: incompatibility. My marriage ended on that basis. We all know that was a whole load of crap, my ex-husband left because he loved his sin. However, to hear from my neighbor that we were incompatible was very painful, even though it was true. It was my own fault that I did not guard my heart, but it was still painful. I guess I was still wrongly assuming that when people hear/think/talk marriage, they hear/think/mean what I mean, but they don’t. That much was obvious in my relationship with my neighbor because I do agree I had insecurities.
Absolutely. I had red flags. He had red flags. I saw them all, but ultimately I was willing to work them out, but he didn’t. Now, that is his version.
My version is he got cold feet LOL! Or actually, Jesus was THE dealbreaker.
At some point, probably after a couple of months, our children already knew each other, and had interacted with one another over a whole blackout that lasted some days back in summer 2024? It was almost seamless, we didn’t force anything. Actually during one time that he wasn’t home, his youngest son came crying into my apartment telling me his oldest brother had been mean to him. Then I went upstairs with my Bible, and I began talking to this teenager, and he actually listened. My neighbor’s oldest son seemed to be really sensitive to Christ and since then we became close. I loved my neighbor’s sons. I loved them all, even the middle one LOL! I don’t think he ever liked me very much.
Sometimes I would read the Bible at night to his youngest son and my children, or I would read the Bible with his oldest son – I bought him a Bible with his name. Everything was going great, right? I cooked for them at times, I baked for them. He cooked for us at times. We were neighbors! We got to know each other really quick in the context of doing life in the same building. And I continued asking him to study the Word with me, but he never showed real desire or “thirst”. We needed (I needed) to see whether or not he was legitimately a believer. What was his understanding of the gospel? Where did he stand on baptism? He was raised a liberal Lutheran. We visited a Missouri Synod Lutheran Church once.
Several occasions he came to my church, and he told me he had never heard expository preaching. He had no idea you could actually read the Bible and study it. It was his understanding everything had to go through a priest/pastor (that sounded very Roman Catholic to me). In all good faith, I really tried to understand him. I knew I had been very judgmental in the past. But by now, as you can tell, I had already crossed a ton of boundaries. I was literally in love with a dude who probably was not even Christian, and even if he were, he was really new in the faith.
You ask me now, when hormones are not clouding my vision, he was not a Christian. He thought he was. He wanted to be. He was a goody goody, after all, he was a Boy Scout, and a son of a Boy Scout. And so, yeah, I began to behave in very obnoxious ways. Let me back up. I think the Lord was working in His heart – there was no doubt about that. But he was not there yet. I think some of my best friends at church saw that, and even my pastor saw that, and therefore, all wisdom said: “DO NOT DATE HIM. You may continue to be friends with him, and continue to know him in all seasons, but even if he repents, gets baptized, and jumps through all the hoops you are putting in front him (and I was putting a lot of them), you cannot know if his conversion is real until after a while. At least a year or so. You don’t want him to come to church or do all these things for your sake, just to get YOU, Karla. You want him to be here for Christ. If he doesn’t love Christ, then you are destined to repeat the same mistake and be as miserable as you were in your first marriage.”
Did I listen? Of course, not. I disobeyed the Holy Spirit. I knew what I was doing, I wasn’t stupid, but as time progressed, I was getting more and more anxious – therefore what he calls “my anxieties and insecurities.” I just did not see the point of keep talking, hanging out, having dinners and planning a future if he was not going to find the time to sit down with me, and talk about the stuff people talk about so we would not have surprises later.
Like, let’s get to the real stuff now, and then, if we see we actually have a future, then we can date with ease, knowing all people on both sides are supporting us. It meant the world to me for my pastor and my congregation to like this guy, because I liked this guy! And it is not that they did not like the guy, it’s that they were not sure about the guy LOL! And it was out of love. As a church, we excommunicated my husband. My pastor saw me devastated. My church family had to listen to me over and over about my life, and about my ex-husband, and his new girlfriend and how she was pregnant before we were even divorced. I cried every Sunday for months…
All my church friends were willing to embrace a godly man if a godly, Christ-loving man were to pursue me, but my neighbor was not that man, and I knew it. And so, ultimately, my version is that God answered my prayer, and he got the neighbor out of my life because he indeed was not the man for me. I knew it after he told me once that between Sunday at church or his children’s sports, he was always going to choose sports. Ugh, and even then, I was so willing to compromise on my core beliefs for a duuuuude… What was wrong with me?! You know what was wrong with me? Christ was not seating in the altar of my heart. That’s what. It has taken me seven months to deal with this, but I finally understood it. I actually did**
My neighbor justified himself by putting the breakup on me, but I blame the breakup on Jesus. I am fine now, but it hurt. A lot. Mostly because he broke up with me. It was another rejection, you see? I should have never dated my neighbor, but I did, so the heartbreak was nothing but my fault. In a way, the breakup solidified the core belief that I was not good enough. Just like my husband had left, my neighbor also left.
Honestly, Jesus is the One who is always scaring them all away. It is not that I can’t get a date – it’s that all the “Christians” really need to read their Bibles more…
Ok, enough background.
MY EX-BOYFRIEND GOT BAPTIZED TODAY!!!!
WHAAAATTT!!!
YES! HE DID!
So the call. I started with a call.
Two weeks ago, I was going through a very, very hard personal time, and my neighbor’s son called me. He said that he wanted to share some news with me, and then he proceeded to just quickly tell me that he was going to be baptized today, and that the pastor of the church he had been attending asked him to invite the person who had had the most Christ-like influence on him, and he called me. That made me cry when I hung up.
Long story short, my neighbor apologized to me a couple times within the last two weeks. It was the same text, he just sent it twice after I ignored it. We did not end up in good terms seven months ago. I was rude, he was rude. I was probably more rude. Anyway, he said he had reconciled with God, but not with me, and that I was the child of God who reached out to him in his solitude, and that he never honored me for the many blessings I had brought into his life, and the lives of his children. When I read all of that, I was like, “BARF!”
I ignored the texts, alright? I was mad. Reading that reminded me of his breakup text. Dude is a writer. He has perfect grammar on his texts. Anyway, I ignored the texts. I texted him last night, however, since I never heard confirmation on the baptism. Since I was actually replying, he texted me the same text he had texted me twice already. He said he had texted it, but he never heard from me.
“Of course not. I purposely ignored your texts because you could have apologized to my face just the same way you should have broken up with me – to my face. Twenty steps, dude. You could have gone downstairs, knocked on my door, and told me we were done.”
This is happening the night before Easter. Last night. I am a sinner. I know you all know that. Ok. So now he knows my number is correct, and he texted me his apology for the third time. I know him. He was never a texter. He probably wants to hear, “I forgive you.”
UGH. Then I began arguing in my own head with the Lord, “How is it possible that I already made the peace with Emerson, like for real. After some conversations, he truly offered me what I consider his first sincere apology in two years, and I, in tears, said, ‘I forgive you’ from the heart, but I cannot possibly let go of this stupid idiot? Like, the husband who cheated on me, off the hook. Forgiven. And it hurts. Forgiveness always means pain in one way or the other, but it is in the past. I even like his baby, and play with his baby. But I cannot make myself type, ‘I forgive you’ to my ex-boyfriend?”
Then I continued, “Look. Resurrection Sunday is tomorrow. How can I possibly not forgive someone who hurt me after you have forgiven me more than that? I don’t feel it, okay? But fine, I need to let go. He wants to hear that I forgive him, fine. ‘I am happy to hear you made peace with God through Christ. Thank you for you message. I forgive you, [NAME]. I will see you tomorrow at the baptism.”
So I walked today into their church, and out of the blue, here they come. My neighbor sees me, and when I offered my hand to shake, he totally embraces me, and I don’t know what to do. He hugged me with a very sincere hug, and suddenly all my anger goes away. You know why? Because he had shaved. His beard and his mustache, particularly his mustache, was a very integral part of his identity. He never would have shaved, but now he has no hair, at all, mainly cause he’s bald LOL! but also no beard, and no mustache. He was also wearing a shirt and shorts.
I did not really hug him back. I think I actually pushed him away gently, but I did hug his youngest son whose freckles I loved. Then I said hi to the middle one, I gave him a hug, and I totally embraced his oldest son who was getting baptized. Then it hit me. My neighbor is being baptized too.
I went on my way and sat down. I was right there today, Easter Sunday 2025, three feet away watching my neighbor (and ex-boyfriend LOL!) being obedient to Christ, and getting baptized. And if you had seen his face and his smile when he was listening to the pastor… he went down and up. When he got out of the baptistry, he looked at me with his gentle smile, and I hugged him this time. We watched his son being baptized, and then they left to change clothes. His son later came and sat down with me, and we listened to the whole sermon together. I was not able to say goodbye to my neighbor because I had to go to my own church home to teach Children’s Church, but he did text me and thanked me for being there this morning.
I did not feel like forgiving him last night when I replied, but I knew I had to obey Christ. And this morning when I saw his deep blue eyes and realized he was getting baptized too, I realized he meant the apology. He had to mean it. And I forgave him from the heart. How could I not? I pray he continues walking closely with Christ and therefore make his calling and election sure, but it is a big deal for a person who was baptized as an infant to make the decision to be baptized as an adult. I am so happy for him and for his son. I hope both of them could be a guide to the other children in the family who are still to believe in Christ.
Now to the meat of my post, which believe it or not, we are just getting to: I have been contemplating my death lately. Again, I am not dying nor do I want to die, but I will die one day. I have to make a will and put up a trust and God knows what else. I have a mortgage now, who’s paying my house when I’m gone? I cannot leave the debt to my children. I need to make a list of bank accounts and stuff so that someone can take care of things when I’m gone, so my children can mourn me.
You know all of those things that I was scared of if my husband were to die, well, he did not die. He divorced me LOL! Now I need to take care of things for others so they don’t have to worry. I don’t think they are worried, my children, but when I’m gone, I will be gone. I will be with the Lord and who cares! But I don’t want them to not know what to do. I also need to buy a place to be buried. People should not be dealing with these things in the moment. And all these things require money, and I need to make more money. And on and on we go… the Lord will provide. There’s a cemetery literally behind my neighborhood. You can walk from here. I will call them soon.
My point is today at this other church where the baptism happened, the pastor said that when you have Christ, really there is nothing to fear. Death? Why should you fear death? The sting of death is gone. Really the only power death has over a soul is hell – punishment. There is one birth and two deaths: The natural death of decay that all of us will suffer due to sin, and then eternal death, apart from Christ. But when we have Christ in us, two births, the natural and the spiritual (only because of his mercy, He made us alive) then there is only one death. It is like falling asleep.
I have always being afraid of losing others. Losing my husband. Losing a child. I lost my husband. I lost a baby. The last five years of my life have been nothing but loss. And death lurks and death whispers as if it is winning, and today, watching my ex-boyfriend being baptized reminded me once again that God is God and I am not. God has a perfect timing for all He does, and He is never late. I think He is late. I wanted to rush my neighbor, but God was and is in control of my neighbor’s heart, not me.
In the same way, this pastor also said that the sufferings of this life are only temporary, and it sounded like he said it so casually. It was a fast sermon, it was only like thirty minutes, and for it to be so short and so packed with Scripture like it was, I was honestly impressed. I clearly heard the gospel, but for someone who is going though dark seasons of life, it could sound a little bit careless. But I was glad that I heard that because it reminded me of the tomb. The tomb is empty. Yes, the people I love will die one day. I will die one day. For all I know, I die after posting this. What matters now is whether or not that person who we deeply love knows Christ. If they do, then all will be well – in time. If they don’t know Christ, then they will be separated from the love of God forever, and we will never be able to fellowship with them again.
I left the church encouraged knowing that as long as it depends on me, I will always preach Christ to those around me. And I pray that God opens their eyes. I mean, you never know, my neighbor and his son got baptized!
How good and merciful God is, is He not?!
** I wish I could write more about my single life. Maybe on another post. I do want to say I am very glad that God not only allowed, but ordained my divorce. He also ordained my marriage. I love my ex-husband. I always will. I told him the other day I will never be able to hate him because he is the father of my children. I have no romantic feelings for him, none whatsoever. Brother, eww. But I love him. I also told him he has a cute baby.
After my neighbor broke up with me I was totally depressed for about a month. I had to deal with a lot of emotions, plus life got complicated on other levels, which is exactly why I was so sad when I received the call from my neighbor’s son. But I have dealt with some of my main issues in relationships. I understand and actually believe now that my husband “not choosing me” or even my neighbor leaving was not a me problem, but a them problem.
I know I have issues. Who doesn’t? What I want is peace. I want to be loved and accepted and cherished for who I am. I do not want to morph into being what others want me to be, or the version of me I think they would like. I want to be me. I like being me. Sometimes I don’t. But for the most part I do. I am smart. I am capable. I am funny. I am good at making memes. I am a great – a GREAT – Math teacher. I am kind, I have the patience of ten old grandmas. I am a great cook and a great baker. I am sweet, and I am spontaneous. I am also a hot mess, and that’s exactly why I blog the way that I blog. If men cannot see that I have wonderful qualities to offer in a relationship, it sucks, but it’s on them.
I deleted all the dating apps. Every time I come home, whether my dishes are on the sink or in the dishwasher, it’s okay. I feel peace. If I haven’t folded the laundry, I am at peace. I am happy being single. This may be selfish or maybe I have made it: I don’t want to date anyone, not even one. I don’t have time! I am busy. I have my children who demand all my attention. I love Christ and Christ has been everything for me. Literally. He has been EVERYTHING for me.
He has provided for me. He has protected me. He has cherished me. He has shown me time and time again, that He is the only One who loves me. He made me. He gave himself for me. All this time, I had missed a very important lesson in all this grieving. I was grieving the marriage I had and I lost, but also the husband I wanted and I never had. A husband who loved Christ. That’s the point of marriage – Christ and His Church. But even happy marriages, the best of marriages, fail to portray perfectly that image. Sin is still here. The real marriage, the one all marriages point toward, is the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. That’s the real thing. Even sex points to that intimacy that Christ has with His people. In eternity, my husband here is not going to be my husband there. That relationship will cease. It is not about having a husband here. It is about Christ. Always. I do feel lonely at times. But even then, Christ comforts me. I have seen the goodness of God in Christ towards me in the most difficult times in my life, and it feels horrible at times, but today I know Christ in ways I wouldn’t have known Him had I not gone through the trials He has set for me. He knows exactly what each of us need.
I wish I had more time, but I don’t. I need to finish this so I can post it.
I am content in my singleness. Really content. That’s all.
I am only 42 years old, but I am looking forward to dying. I am in no way implying I want to die or that I would ever attempt to take my life. I am only asserting and assenting to what I know to be true through biblical revelation and personal experience: this world is sick with sin. I am looking forward to meet my Savior one day, and when I see Him, I know all the suffering of this life would have been worth it.
It is providential that God has allowed me to interact with some students who out of the blue have interest in the Bible. These are ten year-old boys. Here I was thinking my days of preaching the gospel were gone. After all, I am a single mom and I have a full time job. I really can’t spend all my time “ministering” to the needs of others. For the last two years, I have put my head down to the plough. I know I need to work and make a living. I also know my Christian duty is to love God and others, but how exactly can you love others while teaching Math to 5th grade students? Like yes, I get it. I can glorify God through my gifts, but it is not like teaching fractions leads to conversations about spiritual things on a regular basis. You know what I mean?
I have just lived life. That is all I do. But recently, a boy began asking me questions about Jesus. He is faithfully reading his Bible every day, and as far as I know, he wants to understand who this Jesus is. Was I supposed to say, “I am sorry, but this is beyond my pay grade? I cannot and will not talk to you about Christ for fear of losing my job because this is a public school?”
Of course not. I engaged him. And then other boys came. I told those boys to walk away, I was talking to this one particular boy about the Bible, about a question this boy had. But the other three boys said, “We want to know, too. We want to be part of this Bible study.”
“No. This is not a Bible study. I am just explaining the sacrifices in the Old Testament and how Jesus is THE High Priest, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world. This is not a Bible Study.”
I have been so busy with life, with pain, with sorrow, with STAAR testing… so very busy, I even forgot I had a miscarriage four years ago. I forgot. I literally forgot. And that was good. It was good because it means I was not anticipating the day, or dreading the date. It is good because it means that life goes on and that there are other challenges ahead. Life does not stop and life is worth living – regardless of the pain one goes through. Only God can make life worth living. It is good because even though I lost a baby, God has been good to me. It is good because now, even though there are other challenges, I am not dead.
My Shepherd is preparing a table for me in the presence of my enemies. Even though He makes me walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He walks with me. I am not alone. Sometimes I do feel alone, but I am not. There are people who love me and care for me.
This, I hope, will be a short but sweet post. I could write forever on everything that has happened, but I want to honor the Lord with my words – nothing more than that.
I am glad I am alive on New Year’s Eve 2024 mainly because on New Year’s Eve 2023 I wanted to die. I am not ashamed of saying that. It has been God’s grace day in and day out that has kept me alive this year. It has been my pastor, my church friends, my children, my students from school, my coworkers, my students’s parents – my family – who kept me going. I have a bigger family than the one I thought I had. I am very blessed.
The year 2023 was incredibly hard for my children and I. I became a single mother. No one expects to be betrayed by the person one trusts the most. Two families were destroyed over two married people committing adultery. The gospel and the beauty of marriage was put to shame. The Covenant Christ made with His Bride was misrepresented, and I have hated that more than anything else in the world.
It has been devastating to see that your dreams of growing old with the husband God gave you are gone. No more Christmases or Thanksgivings together. Time with children is split now. It has been horrible to realize the abuse you were subjected to. People can hurt you very deeply. People sin. I sin daily, and that is why I need Christ. It is heartbreaking to see God has answered my prayer yet again in the most unusual ways. “Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing,” is the only way I can describe this time in my life. I have prayed for years for Him to become my only portion, and I honestly thought He was going to stop at the miscarriage, but not only did He take away a child from me, but He also took my husband – the two things I dreaded the most.
Why? Why, if He is so good, can He do things like this?
I struggled so much with that question for two years after I lost a baby in April 2021. I knew theology in my head, but oh, has He shown me His goodness in practical ways. He has kept all His promises to me.
Why, I asked…
Why, Karla, He is giving you the opportunity very few people get in this life. He is giving you the opportunity to know what it is to share in His sufferings. He was betrayed too. His betrayal was ordained so you could live. He gave Himself for you. He died for you. And while it would have been totally awesome that your husband would have loved you the way God commanded him to, now you have the opportunity to become the woman you have always been called to be. You were a shell of that woman. For nineteen years, you stopped being you for the sake of pleasing another human being, and that was wrong. God loves you, Karla, but God actually likes you. He loves your personality. He made you YOU. And it is a total bummer that it took your divorce for you to realize that your worth and your value was never supposed to be determined by your husband, and his opinions of you. Karla, YOU flee sexual immorality. You are not your own. You were bought with a price. Glorify God with your body. Maybe one day God will bring a godly man into your life who will be faithful to his vows. You won’t have to beg him to stay. He will want to be with you. He will be proud of you. He will want to call you and he will support you. He will not abuse you. He will love you as Christ loved the church. He will cleanse you and will wash you with the Word – you won’t have to ask him to do that. He will love the Lord so much that he will be in the Word. He will love you because that is how he loves himself. He will not hate his own flesh, but he will nourish it. And even if such a man never comes, Karla, then your call is to honor your Husband because Christ is your husband. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will never tell you He does not love you anymore. His love for you will never cease, and He will make you lie down in safety. He will betroth you to Him forever in righteousness, justice, steadfast love and mercy. He will betroth you to Him in faithfulness. He will always be faithful because He never breaks His promises. Karla, do not ever again exchange Christ’s love for you for the fleeting praise of another human being – and particularly- not a male.
So that paragraph took me probably thousands of shed tears. And sleepless nights. Not writing it, but actually believing it. I still cry every now and then. It is like a dream that I think I’m dreaming, and then I realize it is real. He did leave. He did get her pregnant five months ago while we were still legally married, and he did just marry her as I write this blog on New Year’s Eve 2024.
I have learned so much over the last year. Things have obviously changed for me. I had to learn how to manage a budget. I had to learn how to pay my bills. I had to learn how to open a bank account. I never did any of that, maybe that’s silly… but that was what my ex-husband did. I did other things for the family. I did good things for my family. No wife is perfect, but I was a godly wife. Yes, I sinned, and I owned it all. It would have been great to fight for a relationship that lasted almost twenty years, but you cannot fight for a marriage when only one person is willing.
If I were to write every single detail of my life and the so many ways God has guided me in this painful process, this blog would probably be super boring to all people reading. People have assured me this is just the beginning. It just happened. I am fresh – whatever that means. My divorce was final on October 5th, which is kind of Providential because Enzo’s birthday is on October 4th, and Danny’s is on October 6th. I am not sure how exactly God made that work out, but that’s what happened.
Grieving is hard. Divorce is worse than a death, but I am thankful the Lord prepared me for my divorce in advance through the miscarriage. He taught me how to grieve well, or at least what to expect. I cry at the most inconvenient of times – on my way to work, while listening to a song, or when my students remind me that he is my ex-husband. That is hilarious, actually. It is not their fault. My son is my student and they know his parents divorced recently. One time I made the “mistake” of retelling a story about when my husband and I… and one of my girls said, “You mean your ex-husband…”
Why, yes, thank you. I forgot. LOL!
I was also recently diagnosed with ADHD which totally checks out. This year has also being rough on my health since I have lost 13 lbs. without trying. I gained them all back (plus an extra 15 lb.) since I’ve been stuffing my face with donuts and cupcakes – courtesy of my students. Again, it’s not their fault. They only give me their leftover Takis and popcorn every day. I love junk food, so I say YES. I am exhausted and busy, and I kept on eating without moving a finger. When he left I was training for a half iron man, but that goal is dead now. I have no time to train. So my A1C was slightly elevated last week, and I am officially pre-diabetic. Again, it checks out. My mom, dad and sister have diabetes. I was always doing the right things, but this year was an unprecedented year for my diet and my exercise routine.
It has been very scary to see the Lord at work. You want to believe all these things in the Bible. You really want to, but it is scary having being a wife and a mom for sixteen years, and suddenly being told you will land on your feet. You can find a part-time job and things will work out while you have no idea how much you are actually paying for electricity. I was clueless. My children were going to need a school and I needed money since the Classical School I was trying to enroll them in was very expensive. Even if I got a job there, I would’ve been making $300/mo. Working part-time from home and homeschooling at the same time? I knew my limitations. I was constantly criticized and shamed over the decision of becoming a teacher, but my children became my priority. Yes, I had a triple major in Chemistry, Biology and Pharmacy. Yes, I could have had a better paying job – even teaching in a public school. But God provided me with the perfect job. I will never forget that.
“God, you can take my husband away. You have ordained this, and I don’t know why. But if you are going to take him away, you are going to have to show me that YOU will be THE husband he always should have been. You protect me. You provide for me. You meet my needs. You love me. You show me I can trust you. I don’t have any other options right now. I need a job. Give me a job, please.”
I prayed that while sobbing in my bathroom. What happened next is a series of events that must be told over a cup of coffee. But the LORD opened doors for me. A friend of a friend of a friend pointed me to a school – thanks to the fact (as I was told ) that I am a chatter box. Then I talked to someone at the school, and I enrolled my children on that campus. Then I found out there’s a campus closer to my home. I enrolled them on that one instead. Then a friend makes my resume look awesome. I apply after a godly husband from my church tells me I need to start living my life because I am alone. It is my children and I, and I need to get that through my head. He married a single mom so he knows.
So I applied to the school after another friend tells me they are hiring since a teacher there is her friend. I send my resume and get a job interview in a day. I go to the interview and I loved the Headmaster of the school. My hair was pink a week prior. But trusting the Lord would provide me with a job, I decided to go back to my color. That worked out. A friend from church paid her stylist to take care of me. God was taking care of me, but I was scared. I go into the Headmaster’s office and all the curriculum is THE curriculum my children know. I loved the school Vision and Mission. They asked me to come back. Then I teach a 5th Grade Math class. They hired me. Yes, it is not a Christian School, but it is Classical, and call me naive, but I will retire there or I will die. If I am something, I am loyal.
Do you know how amazing has it been to send my 5th grade son to the Dean of Students when he disrespects his Math and Science Teacher – who happens to be me? Or how precious it is to see him have a crush on a girl? Of course, that will never happen – it is destined to die. How can you put a price on having your daughter come into your classroom asking for ice-cream money? Or having her friends thinking you are a hero for giving them candy during midterm-week? Or having my students tell me I need a boyfriend… It is all worth it. The tears are worth it. I have hated every morning waking up and having to leave my toddler in a Montessori school, but I know he is well taken care of. I hate that he is being raised by other people, but these are the consequences of sin in our lives – not our sin. But I cannot wait for him to join my school. He says he wants to go to my school. I will be waiting there for the next three years until he joins us there. And we, the four of us, will walk in together. I will, God willing, work at that school for the next fifteen years of my life until my toddler graduates.
I also got a haircut. I had to buy a car because the Passat (which I got after the divorce) began to fail. I went to Ohio for Thanksgiving since the children were with their dad. It was good reconnecting with friends. I have been busy. We went to Galveston before school started. It was a nightmare to plan that trip. Planning and focusing drains me.
Humor has also been a huge part of my life. Memes help me cope. I named my minivan PB&J because that’s what we will be eating to afford the payments. She is smart. It doesn’t let me speed. It also drives itself – I found out that last time we went to San Antonio. She was literally turning on the high way.
This meme is a master piece courtesy of yours truly…
God has been good to me. Becoming like Christ hurts. It has hurt and it continues to hurt, but I am not angry at God. Of course I struggle, but my theology of suffering is the same as when I lost my baby. Nothing has changed. God ordained this. People are morally responsible, but ultimately this is the story God is writing for me. I would be lying if I said the journey has been amazing because 2023 has been the most horrible year of my entire life, but I can sincerely say I am thankful for my divorce.
I wish my miscarriage hadn’t happened, but I am thankful it happened because it taught me to know God in a way I did not know Him before. The journey of grieving my child was dark. I was emotionally on my own. But I am out of that darkness. I got out. That trial did not last forever. And I learned that my joy cannot depend on being a mother. I think the same has to happen here. It will happen by God’s grace. I will go, I am going, through a lot of darkness, but I know God is walking with me. It took me two years to mourn the loss of a six-week old baby. I am sure grieving the loss of a twenty year-old relationship will take time. I am mourning the loss of a dream, the loss of the man I thought my ex-husband was. I thought we were both fully committed to Christ. I am mourning the death of my marriage.
I know I don’t need a husband. I hate to think I am a strong, independent woman. I am not strong. And I am not independent. I am fully dependent on Christ. I am learning to find my joy in Him and only in Him. I know I needed this to happen to become ME.
I want to end this blog with a photo of Isaiah 41 in my Bible. My pastor has been preaching on Isaiah for more than a year now. It was heartbreaking to cry on my son’s shoulders not knowing what would happen. I cried many times. I still cry. I did not have a job when we went on Isaiah 41.
It was sweet to hear my son say, “It’s okay, Mommy. All things work for good for those who love God.”
He was only ten years-old. No child should ever had to go through what my children have gone through, but I know God will continue to guide us. I have wonderful friends, and I have a wonderful church. God kept His promise. He did help me. He was with me. He upheld me with His righteous right hand. He commanded me not to fear for He was the one who helps me. My Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. He did give the thirsty and the poor water when there was none. He did not forsake my family of four. He gave me a job! I am exhausted, but my tent has enlarged. I have many children now. And I love them all.
He opened rivers in the bare heights, and made the wilderness a pool of water. He set the cypress in the desert, that they may see and know, may consider and understand together, that the hand of the LORD has done this – the Holy One of Israel has created it.
Happy New Year 2024!
ESPAÑOL
Espero que ésta sea una publicación breve pero agradable. Podría escribir muchas cosas sobre todo lo que ha sucedido, pero quiero honrar al Señor Jesucristo con mis palabras - nada más eso.
Me alegro de estar viva en la víspera de Año Nuevo de 2024, principalmente porque en la víspera de Año Nuevo de 2023 me quería morir. No me avergüenza decir eso. Ha sido la gracia de Dios día tras día lo que me ha mantenido viva este año. Han sido mi pastor, mis amigos de la iglesia, mis hijos, mis estudiantes de la escuela, mis compañeros de trabajo, los padres de mis estudiantes – mi familia – quienes me han sacado adelante. Tengo una familia más grande de la que pensaba que tenía. Soy muy bendecida.
El año 2023 fue increíblemente duro para mis hijos y para mí. Me convertí en madre soltera. Nadie espera ser traicionado por la persona en la que más confía. Dos familias fueron destruidas porque dos personas casadas cometieron adulterio. El evangelio y la belleza del matrimonio fueron avergonzados. El Pacto que Cristo hizo con Su Novia fue tergiversado y eso es lo que más he odiado.
Ha sido devastador ver que tus sueños de envejecer con el marido que Dios te dió se han ido. No más Navidades ni Acción de Gracias juntos. El tiempo con los niños ahora se divide. Ha sido horrible darme cuenta del abuso al que fui sometida. La gente puede hacerte daño muy profundamente. La gente peca. Peco a diario y por eso necesito a Cristo. Es desgarrador ver que Dios ha respondido a mi oración una vez más de la manera más inusual. “Como entristecidos, pero siempre gozosos”, es la única manera en que puedo describir este momento de mi vida. He orado durante años para que Él se convirtiera en mi única porción, y honestamente pensé que se detendría en el aborto espontáneo, pero Dios no sólo me quitó un hijo, sino que también se llevó a mi esposo - las dos cosas a las que más temía.
¿Por qué? ¿Por qué, si Él es tan bueno, puede hacer cosas como ésta?
Luché mucho con esa pregunta durante dos años después de perder un bebé en abril de 2021. Sabía teología en mi cabeza, pero, ¡oh, Él me ha mostrado Su bondad de manera práctica! Él ha cumplido todas sus promesas para mí.
¿Por qué?, pregunté...
Vaya, Karla, Él te está dando la oportunidad que muy pocas personas tienen en esta vida. Él te está dando la oportunidad de saber lo que es compartir Sus sufrimientos. Él también fue traicionado. Su traición fue ordenada para que pudieras vivir. Él se entregó por ti. Él murió por ti. Y aunque hubiera sido maravilloso que tu esposo te hubiera amado como Dios le ordenó, ahora tienes la oportunidad de convertirte en la mujer que siempre has sido llamada a ser. Eras un caparazón de esa mujer. Durante diecinueve años dejaste de ser tú misma para complacer a otro ser humano, y eso estuvo mal. Dios te ama, Karla, pero en realidad le agradas a Dios. Él ama tu personalidad. Él te hizo TÚ. Y es una lástima total que tu divorcio haya sido necesario para darte cuenta de que tu valor nunca debe ser determinado por tu esposo y sus opiniones sobre ti. Karla, TÚ huye de la inmoralidad sexual. No eres tuya. Fuiste comprada por un precio. Glorifica a Dios con tu cuerpo. Quizás algún día Dios traiga a tu vida un hombre piadoso que sea fiel a sus votos. No tendrás que rogarle que se quede. Él querrá estar contigo. Estará orgulloso de ti. Él querrá llamarte y te apoyará. Él no abusará de ti. Él te amará como Cristo amó a la iglesia. Él te limpiará y te lavará con la Palabra; no tendrás que pedirle que lo haga. Amará tanto al Señor que estará en la Palabra. Él te amará porque así se ama a sí mismo. No aborrecerá su propia carne, sino que la alimentará. Y aunque tal hombre nunca llegue, Karla, entonces tu llamado es honrar a tu Esposo porque Cristo es tu esposo. Él nunca te dejará ni te abandonará. Él nunca te dirá que ya no te ama. Su amor por ti nunca cesará y Él te hará recostarte segura. Él te desposará con Él para siempre en rectitud, justicia, amor y misericordia. Él te desposará con Él en fidelidad. Él siempre será fiel porque nunca rompe Sus promesas. Karla, no vuelvas a cambiar el amor de Cristo por ti por la alabanza fugaz de otro ser humano, y particularmente, no la de un hombre.
Así que este párrafo probablemente me costó miles de lágrimas. Y noches de insomnio. No escribirlo, sino creerlo. Todavía lloro de vez en cuando. Es como un sueño que creo que estoy soñando y luego me doy cuenta de que es real. Él se fue. La dejó embarazada hace cinco meses, cuando todavía estábamos legalmente casados, y acaba de casarse con ella mientras escribo este blog en la víspera de Año Nuevo de 2024.
He aprendido mucho durante el último año. Obviamente las cosas han cambiado para mí. Tuve que aprender a administrar un presupuesto. Tuve que aprender a pagar mis cuentas. Tuve que aprender a abrir una cuenta bancaria. Nunca hice nada de eso, tal vez sea una tontería... pero eso fue lo que hizo mi exmarido. Hice otras cosas para la familia. Hice cosas buenas por mi familia. Ninguna esposa es perfecta, pero yo fui una esposa piadosa. Sí, pequé y lo admito. Hubiera sido genial luchar por una relación que duró casi veinte años, pero no se puede luchar por un matrimonio cuando sólo una persona está dispuesta.
Si tuviera que escribir cada detalle de mi vida y las tantas maneras en que Dios me ha guiado en este doloroso proceso, este blog probablemente sería súper aburrido para todas las personas que lo lean. La gente me ha asegurado que esto es sólo el comienzo. Acaba de suceder. Estoy fresca, sea lo que sea que eso signifique. Mi divorcio fue definitivo el 5 de octubre, lo cual es algo providencial porque el cumpleaños de Enzo es el 4 de octubre y el de Danny es el 6 de octubre. No estoy segura de cómo exactamente Dios hizo que eso funcionara, pero eso es lo que sucedió.
El duelo es difícil. El divorcio es peor que la muerte, pero estoy agradecida de que el Señor me haya preparado de antemano para mi divorcio a través del aborto espontáneo. Me enseñó cómo llorar bien, o al menos qué esperar. Lloro en los momentos más inoportunos: de camino al trabajo, mientras escucho una canción o cuando mis alumnos me recuerdan que él es mi exmarido. Eso es gracioso, en realidad. No es su culpa. Mi hijo es mi alumno y saben que sus padres se divorciaron recientemente. Una vez cometí el "error" de volver a contar una historia sobre cuando mi esposo y yo... y una de mis alumnas me dijo: "Se refiere a su exmarido..."
Pues sí, gracias. Me olvidé. ¡JAJAJA!
También me diagnosticaron recientemente con TDAH, lo cual es totalmente correcto. Este año también ha sido duro para mi salud ya que perdí 6 kg. sin querer intentarlo. Los recuperé todos (y gané otros 6 más) por comerme las donas y pastelitos, cortesía de mis alumnos. Una vez más, no es su culpa. Sólo me dan los Takis y las palomitas que les sobran todos los días. Me encanta la comida chatarra, por eso digo SÍ. Estoy agotada y ocupada y seguí comiendo sin mover un dedo. Cuando se fue mi exmarido, yo estaba entrenando para una carrera, pero ese objetivo ya está muerto. No tengo tiempo para entrenar. Así que mi A1C estuvo ligeramente elevada la semana pasada y oficialmente soy pre diabética. Mi mamá, mi papá y mi hermana tienen diabetes. Siempre estaba haciendo las cosas correctas, pero este año fue un año sin precedentes para mi dieta y mi rutina de ejercicios.
Ha sido muy aterrador ver al Señor obrando. Quieres creer todas estas cosas en la Biblia. Realmente lo deseas, pero da miedo haber sido esposa y madre durante dieciséis años y, de repente, que te digan que te las arreglarás. Puedes encontrar un trabajo de medio tiempo y todo saldrá bien. Sin tener idea de cuánto estaba pagando realmente por la electricidad. No tenía ni idea. Mis hijos iban a necesitar una escuela y yo necesitaba dinero ya que la Escuela Clásica a la que intentaba matricularlos era muy cara. Incluso si hubiera conseguido un trabajo allí, habría estado ganando $300 al mes. ¿Trabajas a tiempo parcial desde casa y educarlos en casa al mismo tiempo? Conocía mis limitaciones. Fui constantemente criticada y avergonzada por la decisión de convertirme en maestra, pero mis hijos se convirtieron en mi prioridad. Sí, tuve una triple carrera en Química, Biología y Farmacia. Sí, podría haber tenido un trabajo mejor remunerado, incluso enseñar en una escuela pública. Pero Dios me proporcionó el trabajo perfecto. Nunca olvidaré eso.
"Dios, puedes quitarme a mi esposo. Tú has ordenado esto y no sé por qué. Pero si vas a quitármelo, tendrás que mostrarme que TÚ serás EL esposo que siempre él debería haber sido." Tú me proteges. Tú provees para mí. Satisfaces mis necesidades. Tú me amas. Me muestras que puedo confiar en ti. No tengo otras opciones en este momento. Necesito un trabajo. Dame un trabajo, por favor."
Recé por eso mientras sollozaba en mi baño. Lo que pasó después es una serie de acontecimientos que hay que contar con una taza de café. Pero el Señor me abrió puertas. El amigo de un amigo de un amigo me indicó una escuela, gracias al hecho (según me dijeron) de que soy muy habladora. Luego hablé con alguien de la escuela e inscribí a mis hijos en ese campus. Luego descubrí que hay un campus más cerca de mi casa. En su lugar, los inscribí en ese. Entonces una amiga hizo que mi currículum luciera increíble. Apliqué al trabajo después de que un esposo piadoso de mi iglesia me dijera que necesito comenzar a vivir mi vida porque estoy sola. Somos mis hijos y yo. Se casó con una madre soltera y me dió ese consejo.
Entonces presenté mi solicitud para la escuela después de que otra amiga me dijera que estaban contratando porque una maestra de allí es su amiga. Envío mi currículum y consigo una entrevista de trabajo en un día. Fui a la entrevista y me encantó el director del colegio. Mi cabello era rosado una semana antes. Pero confiando en que el Señor me daría un trabajo, decidí volver a mi color. Una amiga de la iglesia le pagó a su estilista para que me arreglara el cabello. Dios estaba cuidando de mí, pero tenía miedo. Voy a la oficina del director y todo el plan de estudios es EL plan de estudios que mis hijos conocen. Me encantó la Visión y Misión de la escuela. Me pidieron que volviera. Luego doy una clase de matemáticas de quinto grado. Me contrataron. Sí, no es una Escuela Cristiana, pero sí Clásica, y llámenme ingenua, pero me retiraré allí o me moriré. Si soy algo, soy leal.
¿Sabes lo maravilloso que ha sido enviar a mi hijo de quinto grado al decano de estudiantes cuando le falta el respeto a su maestro de matemáticas y ciencias, quién resulta ser yo? ¿O lo precioso que es verlo enamorado de una chica? Por supuesto, eso nunca sucederá: está destinado a morir. ¿Cómo puedes ponerle precio a que tu hija entre a tu clase pidiendo dinero para helado? ¿O que sus amigos piensen que eres un héroe por darles dulces durante la semana de mitad de semestre? O que mis alumnos me digan que necesito un novio... Todo vale la pena. Las lágrimas valen la pena. Odiaba despertarme cada mañana y tener que dejar a mi pequeño en una escuela Montessori, pero sé que está bien cuidado. Odio que otras personas lo estén criando, pero estas son las consecuencias del pecado en nuestras vidas, no nuestro pecado. Pero no puedo esperar a que se una a mi escuela. Dice que quiere ir a mi escuela. Estaré esperando allí durante los próximos tres años hasta que se una a nosotros allí. Y nosotros, los cuatro, entraremos juntos. Si Dios quiere, trabajaré en esa escuela durante los próximos quince años de mi vida hasta que mi pequeño se gradúe.
También me corté el pelo. Tuve que comprarme un coche porque el Passat (que me quedé después del divorcio) empezó a fallar. Fui a Ohio para el Día de Acción de Gracias ya que los niños estaban con su papá. Fue bueno volver a conectar con amigos. He estado ocupada. Fuimos a Galveston antes de que comenzaran las clases. Fue una pesadilla planear ese viaje. Planificar y concentrarme me agota.
Dios ha sido bueno conmigo. Llegar a ser como Cristo duele. Me ha dolido y me sigue doliendo, pero no estoy enojada con Dios. Por supuesto que lucho, pero mi teología del sufrimiento es la misma que cuando perdí a mi bebé. Nada ha cambiado. Dios ordenó esto. Las personas son moralmente responsables, pero en última instancia esta es la historia que Dios está escribiendo para mí. Mentiría si dijera que el viaje ha sido increíble porque 2023 ha sido el año más horrible de toda mi vida, pero puedo decir sinceramente que estoy agradecida por mi divorcio.
Desearía que mi aborto espontáneo no hubiera ocurrido, pero estoy agradecida de que haya ocurrido porque me enseñó a conocer a Dios de una manera que no lo conocía antes. El viaje del duelo por mi hijo fue oscuro. Estaba emocionalmente sola. Pero ya estoy fuera de esa oscuridad. Voy a salir. Ese juicio no duró para siempre. Y aprendí que mi alegría no puede depender de ser madre. Creo que aquí tiene que pasar lo mismo. Sucederá por la gracia de Dios. Iré, voy, por mucha oscuridad, pero sé que Dios está caminando conmigo. Me tomó dos años llorar la pérdida de un bebé de seis semanas. Estoy segura de que lamentar la pérdida de una relación de veinte años llevará tiempo.
Estoy de luto por la pérdida de un sueño, la pérdida del hombre que pensé que era mi exmarido. Pensé que ambos estábamos completamente comprometidos con Cristo. Estoy de luto por la muerte de mi matrimonio. Sé que no necesito un marido. Odio pensar que soy una mujer fuerte e independiente. No soy fuerte. Y no soy independiente. Soy totalmente dependiente de Cristo. Estoy aprendiendo a encontrar mi gozo en Él y sólo en Él. Sé que necesitaba que esto sucediera para convertirme en KARLA.
Fue dulce escuchar a mi hijo decir: "Está bien, mami. Todas las cosas ayudan a bien a quienes aman a Dios".
Sólo tenía diez años. Ningún niño debería pasar por lo que mis hijos han pasado, pero sé que Dios continuará guiándonos. Tengo amigos maravillosos y tengo una iglesia maravillosa. Dios cumplió su promesa. Él me ayudó. Él estaba conmigo. Él me sostuvo con su diestra justa. Él me ordenó que no temiera porque Él fue quien me ayuda. Mi Redentor es el Santo de Israel. A los sedientos y a los pobres les dio agua cuando no la había. Él no abandonó a mi familia de cuatro. ¡Me dio un trabajo! Estoy exhausta, pero mi tienda se ha ampliado. Tengo muchos hijos ahora. Y los amo a todos.
Abrió ríos en las alturas desnudas y convirtió el desierto en estanques de agua. Puso ciprés en el desierto, para que vean y sepan, consideren y entiendan juntos que la mano de Jehová ha hecho esto, el Santo de Israel lo ha creado.
I was trying to hashtag some photos the other day, but I quickly realized that #kissthewave is full of photos of ocean stuff. It made sense to me, but also, not really. I was going for something totally different – a different story that the ones I saw portrayed there. And since I don’t know how hashtags work, I’m just giving the title to this blog entry as is.
I ran a half marathon yesterday. My brain is always scattered as I don’t have too much time to write; I need to start cooking dinner. So let’s this finish this ASAP. I read a quote some time ago that’s attributed to Charles Spurgeon. It reads:
I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me onto the Rock of Ages
C.H. Spurgeon
Those who know me (and those who have read the last blog entries) know I had a miscarriage, well, almost two years ago. Time does fly by. Grieving was hard; dealing with the sadness of losing a pregnancy, and also experiencing kind of a second loss since we haven’t been able to conceive since then. Doctor said it was not impossible, but my numbers indicated it was going to be very difficult. I think I took a long time in the last post to deal with all the details of what I’ve been going through – the dark parts of my heart and all. If you’d like to read it, you might need like three days off of work, but you can do it here.
God has been so very faithful to me. So kind and gracious. I read so many books, and listened to so many resources (the list is on that last post, too). I think by far the most eye-opening was a book by Jeremiah Burroughs called The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment. I think that book had me crying every day, and not because of the loss of my child, but because it showed me my sin raw.
LISTEN. I’m not saying I didn’t suffer, or that it didn’t hurt, but I deserve hell. If I’m still alive and walking and writing here, it’s only because I have a merciful Savior who went to the cross and died for me. He loved me and gave Himself for me. He did ordained my suffering for His glory and my good, but my loss has been so very good to me. It has humbled me. It has grown me. It has changed me in ways I wouldn’t be able to explain in a few sentences. It has shown me my pride and the idols of my heart. Of course, I have two years to look back. I was not able to see all this as I was going through the pain, but the pain today is less that the pain a year ago.
As a Christian, God’s will for me is not to make me happy, but to make me like His Son, and He chastises His people. He doesn’t afflict from the heart, but He does afflict. Suffering is never for nothing, and all things work together for the good of those who love Him – those who have been called according to His purpose. He has worked my loss for my good. I am His child. My life belongs to Him. And I have learned to trust Him in the difficult times. And these words might sound harsh to the unbeliever, or even to the believer who doesn’t have the view that I hold onto when it comes to the Sovereignty of God, but this is what the Bible plainly teaches.
I think death has changed me forever. I still remember the miscarriage, not everyday, but I still get sad every now and then. I haven’t gone to any Baby Showers at my church – I don’t think I’m ready, and there’s been like five showers. I still need to work on that. Sadness hits me sometimes when I least expect it, and I just… it’s not okay to break at a Baby Shower. I’m hoping I’ll be ready for the next round of babies.
So I’m happy. I never thought I was going to feel “happy” again, but life goes on, which is exactly the point of the blog.
As I was dealing with my feelings, I got into triathlon. I had to do something to keep me sane, specially after the first year anniversary of the miscarriage. I think I explained in the other post that it took me a long time to realize that I was grieving, so I was sad all the time. So long story short I did a Duathlon, then a Sprint Triathlon and I’m about to start training for my first Half Iron Man.
Swimming has really helped my cardiovascular endurance, and it showed yesterday because I was struggling during the last 4 miles of the race, but I was breathing fine. So follow this: I have a friend who has shared with me she struggles with ADHD, and I’ve never been diagnosed, but every time I read about it, I’m like, “That’s me.”
I reached out to her because the last two weeks had been really hard for me. This has always happened; I have seasons in which I’m happy, but then I get super sad. I am always very distracted. Maybe this is just me – I don’t know whether or not it can be a clinical thing. I also don’t sleep very well. Point is I reached out to her, and while we were discussing the fact that we are a body linked to a soul, she was encouraging me and giving me resources for counseling, etc. She then says, as in passing, “The Lord has used my struggle to refine me and help others, so it’s a wave I will kiss as it pushes me onto the Rock.”
I was like,
I knew what she was talking about. I knew the quote. It was clear – very clear. That has been my story since the last time I wrote in this blog on April, 2022. I know about that wave. The wave sometimes seems to threaten you as it pushes you, but it pushes you to lean on Christ – the Rock of Ages. The wave, the suffering ordained by the Father to refine you and make you like Christ, only serves a holy purpose. The wave is not meant to destroy you. Th wave is actually fulfilling its purpose – conformity to the image of His Son.
One of my favorite hymns explains it so well. There’s a part where it says,
“Hast thou not seen how thy desires e’er have been Granted in what He ordaineth?”
For years I’ve prayed for God to make me like His Son. And it seems so backwards that suffering has been the way by which God has made me a little bit more like Jesus, but it is true. My desires have been granted in the things He has allowed to happen in my life – even the bad things. I don’t expect everyone to agree or understand, but this is a plain teaching of Scripture. There’s a wonderful book on suffering that helped me deal with loss from a biblical perspective in case you’re interested (Trusting God – Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges).
Anyway, so this year He has helped me and taught me how to lean on Him and only Him. When my life seems to get out of control, or the world seems like going crazy, He is stable. And I’m so thankful because I know the darkness in my heart. I know my sins, and my temptations, my ugly thoughts on a regular basis. I need a Savior.
This last year God has taught me to endure, and today it was a physical, tangible way to see that endurance in my body. I ran 13.1 miles on my own. My husband is always coaching me and giving me advice, and my best time running a half marathon under two hours was because he paced me. It was last year. But yesterday, he wasn’t there. I was a bunch of nerves because I hadn’t been running consistently or as intensely as I was last year. I just signed up to the race two days before out of impulse LOL!
So I started the first three miles at a steady pace. Then the next four, I picked it up a little. Then I saw my friends and I got so excited I ran the next three too fast, and I had to “slow down” for two miles to recover, but I gave it my all on the last two miles. I endured. I felt like I was about to quit with 1.5 miles to go. I remember the burning feeling on my legs, they were aching. I had eaten my gels and drank my liquids, it was not a fuel issue (plus it was only two hours of exercise) – it was just my muscles. I guess I was tired.
After seeing my friends, I remember I ran past a lady and she told me I was awesome. It’s always so good when people shout, “Go, Mom!’ or “Go, Danny!” I mostly cringe when people say I’m awesome cause I know I’m not. I know they mean well, and what they really mean is, “Great job for pushing a stroller at a good pace.”
So I usually just smile, but I wish I could stop and tell them about how awesome I am not. I yell at my kids everyday. I roll my eyes at my husband every day. I get angry. I am envious. I don’t do the right thing all the time, and I wish I could tell them how a holy God will not settle for, “I did my best, plus I was better than…”
A holy God requires righteousness – perfection – and I am unrighteous. I deserve His wrath. And more importantly, I wish I could stop and tell them that the holy, just God I serve is also very kind and merciful. He is so kind He sent His Son to live the righteous life I could never live, and to die the death that I deserve. I would ask them to trust Him, to repent and turn away from their sins. I would ask them to look up and see Christ and how beautiful and awesome He really is 🙂
But there is not enough time on every race to do that, so yesterday as I was passing a lady who told me I was awesome, I replied, “I’m not, but thank you. You know who’s awesome though? The Lord Jesus for allowing me to run with my baby. And look at this perfect weather!! Isn’t it amazing?”
I meant EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. She obviously looked at me like I was from another planet. That was my cue to smile again and I took off. After that, I was able to catch up with the 2:05 pacers. That’s when I got super excited because I had three more miles to go, and I knew I could finish faster than what I was expecting.
I so really wanted to stop with one mile to go. I mean, the last four miles were my mental struggle. The race was in my neighborhood, and when I saw the last mile marker, I began pushing as hard as I could. I remember yelling. I was also looking at my hand (I had written the quote and also the line of a hymn), thanking the Lord for His goodness over my life. I told myself, “You’re not quitting with one mile to go. Let’s gooo! The 2:05 people CAN NOT pass you.”
I really was trying to catch up to the 2:00 pacers, but I couldn’t. That would have been awesome, but I am so proud of myself. It is very hard to say those words because I never believe them, but I am so very proud of myself – for the effort I made with little training, and for just not quitting even though I wanted to.
I was so happy when I finished. I asked my husband how to know if this actually a race effort cause I’m using this data to train for Galveston 70.3 – he asked me if I had another mile in me. I obviously didn’t, and I finished in 2:01:27 – pushing 30 lb. of stroller and 30 lb. of Danny 🙂
This has been a year of growth for me, a time in which God has helped me learn to kiss the wave that throws me onto Christ. That is actually why I signed up for the half ironman distance: a way to tangibly acknowledge the endurance the Lord has worked in my faith. It hasn’t been easy, but I have kept the faith. I don’t hate God, I am not bitter – I actually love Him more. He has become my only Portion. He is better to me than ten sons.
And God willing, I will rock a kit with that quote during Galveston 70.3 🙂
It was April 4th, 2021. I was the happiest woman in the entire world; as far as I knew, I really was the happiest woman alive. I was at church celebrating Resurrection Sunday with my beautiful family: an amazing husband, a ten year-old girl, an eight year old boy, and a wonderful six month-old baby. I was also six weeks pregnant…
Three days later I miscarried.
Maybe a month after, I was asked to speak at a Baby Shower for a sweet lady at church, and I wrote (and expounded on) what I said in my “speech” here: God’s Discipline in Motherhood. Obviously, almost no one knew what had happened – definitely not the lady who asked me to speak at the Shower. To be perfectly honest, I don’t know why I didn’t refuse when she asked me to speak, but I went ahead and delivered a message with a lot of good theology – truths from the Word of God that are precious to me, and that I wholeheartedly affirm.
I actually read again that blog entry this morning, and I just realized that it took a full year for my heart and my emotions to catch up to many of the things that I said that day. I think that talking about suffering and adversity is way easier said that done. God has been definitely been gracious to me in the fact that I have been humbled by going through the pain of losing a baby. Oh, and it was a baby. Let me say that upfront. Please don’t ever try to offer some words of encouragement to any mother by saying, “Well, it was ONLY six weeks old, you know.”
Also, I’ve been coping with memes LOL!
This is obviously a joke within a joke (it’s what Michael says). Only biological WOMEN can be pregnant.
So take my advice, it’s for FREE. If somebody telIs you they lost a baby, no matter how far along she was, either you say, “I’m sorry,” or just try to hug them instead. I am a very reasonable person, so I understand that I can’t compare my suffering to the suffering of a mom who has to go through labor to deliver a stillborn, but my child was created in God’s image, and I yearn for the day when I will be able to hold him or her – to know him or her face to face.
It has been eye-opening, to say the least, how my emotions and my feelings got in the way while dealing with a situation like this. And it’s obvious, right? I needed to grieve!! I just didn’t know what grief was or what to expect. I thought I was sinning by not being content after the miscarriage, like I needed to be joyful and thanking God for it… which, by the way, I do thank God for it. I don’t rejoice in the death of my child, but by God’s grace, I am currently able to say something along the lines of, “God, I wish my baby hadn’t died, but I know this was a gift from you. It still hurts, but I thank you for what you have taught me about Your character and your unfailing love for me during this hard time in my life.”
So I was taken aback with all these feelings, right? Anger, sadness, despair, plus plenty of hormones that had to leave my body, too. Add the fact that I had to go to the doctor to confirm that I was indeed pregnant at some point, and then the questions, and the pokes in your arms. So I bought this book called Learning Contentment by Nancy Wilson. I already said I thought I was sinning because I was super sad all the time. I had three beautiful children, and yes, I had lost a baby, but like, “God has been good to me. Why am I this sad? This is not okay, or is it?”
So in her book, Nancy talks about how many women come to her asking for help in dealing with their discontentment, but as she listens to them, she realizes these women are actually grieving. And then I thought, “Am I grieving? Maybe I am. I don’t even know exactly what that word means.”
Yes, that’s how bad my obliviousness to suffering was 😬
Moving forward, I had zero idea grieving takes hard work, and that as a Christian, although you should grieve in a way that honors God, you nonetheless need to grieve. So I bought yet another book called Grieving by James White. Reading that short and sweet book (you can’t read a treaty that explains your pain, so I think it’s the perfect length) exposed me to the concept of grieving from a Christian perspective for the first time. The only other time I have cried over someone’s death was when my grandpa died. I was 12 years old. However, the dynamic of the family in which I was raised is so foreign to the things that book mentioned, that it is literally a matter of light versus darkness. I could not stop crying over not being able to understand why my grandpa hadn’t taken his chemo medicine when he had promised me that he would. He PROMISED me he would, and yet we found all these pills hidden in his bedroom. The adult in charge of me during the funeral (who honestly was still a child herself) told me, “You need to stop crying, Karla. He’s dead. Your crying won’t bring him back, and he obviously didn’t mean what he said.”
You can’t blame that adult, nor the older adults in charge of raising that adult. Goodness, those adults were never raised in functional homes to begin with, let alone Christian households.
So even though it has been hard to learn to grieve well, I am in awe at how God has been so gracious and so good and so kind to me in shielding me from these things until now. I also know, or at least I hope, that I can be an instrument in His hands to maybe one day being able to comfort others with the same comfort that I have received from my Father in heaven. No one teaches you how to grieve well, there should be a Sunday School Class for that, like a Grieving 101, but BEFORE the tragedy or adversity happens.
So okay, I lost a baby. Let’s keep trying, right?
Recently my OBGYN has politely said that my labs suggest I am entering perimenopause, which is the transition a woman’s body enters before hitting menopause. I can still get pregnant, although it will be very difficult. Again, not impossible, but very difficult. And I get it, you know, I am not in my prime anymore. I am almost forty years old, so this is the beginning of the end for me being able to “Be fruitful and multiply.”
I am about to make a parentheses here. I know the “numbers” in my labs might have been a fluke, or that numbers fluctuate, I get that. But I am almost forty years old. Sure, I may not be that old, but it is a matter of fact – of The Fall – that our bodies decay; and I don’t mean to be morbid here, but in a way, we are all dying. It has definitely been sweet to see people encouraging me by saying I should not resign myself to what the doctor said, or that I need to pray with hope, or that maybe I need to change my diet in order to take care of my body and get my hormones right. I have not taken offense at those comments, I really haven’t; and I have thought about the numbers, you know, I really have. If I came to the hospital with a blood glucose of 300 mg/mL and a A1C of say, 7%, the doctor would absolutely declare me diabetic. Numbers DO mean something. My numbers, although the doctor said they are not set on stone, are a good indicator of how ancient my eggs are LOL!
They “should” be around a value of 1.00 for a woman my age, but mine are 0.015 – lower than the lowest range.
Even with some other comments that have ranged from, “Your baby has wings now,” to “If I couldn’t get pregnant I would think I was cursed,” God has actually worked in my heart, too. I have remembered things that I’ve said to people in the past, and I have had to apologize to some friends for speaking with ZERO compassion. One time I told one of my dearest friends that I was pretty sure God would bless us with babies right away after my husband had his vasectomy reversal, because you know, “I had always been so fertile in the past”. You know what? I had absolutely forgotten that that particular friend had struggled with infertility for years. Ugh… Another time I said to another friend that I refused to take fertility pills because I couldn’t imagine having a child with disabilities. Of course I didn’t mean anything evil! I meant that I could not set my heart on having a child by any means possible knowing that a particular drug could potentially harm said child. But in the process of saying that, I forgot about the fact that my friend has a child with special needs. I’m telling you, that day, when I realized what I had said, I baked a lemon bread, and brought it to her house and asked for forgiveness. She was so sweet, she didn’t even know why I was at her house with bread and apologizing, so I had to go through the shame of telling her what I had said again, and then elaborate on what I actually meant. I felt like such an idiot; this is one of the godliest women I know! How could I have spoken such words without even thinking?! Well, I am a human being, and sometimes – many times – I open my mouth without thinking. So God, using the miscarriage as His instrument, has also taught me to be more compassionate and thoughtful about the suffering of others, as well as the things I say to them; while at the same time helping me to be gracious when people say things to me that might be hurtful, but that I know they probably meant well.
But going back to the numbers and my “diagnosed” infertility… Can God give me life in the womb? Absolutely He can. Will He give me life in the womb if I change my diet or pray with more faith? Not necessarily. This past year has been full of sin in my life, and something that has been very clear to me is that He is God and I am not. He gives life to whomever He wants to give life to. I’ve been exercising constantly, running half-marathons, keeping a healthy diet, precisely because I wanted to get pregnant. But I am done trying to do this or that, so that God does this or that back.
God – not me, not my diet, not my hormones – GOD controls the conception of children. Yes, I do have a responsibility to take care of my body, but at the same time, it is also perfectly fine that I am willing to recognize that my most fertile days are over without wallowing in self-pity (which I have also been guilty of). To be very frank here, if you consider that I was 18 years old when God gave me the gift of life in the womb for the first time, it is amazing to me that twenty years later I became a mom again at the age of 38.
So basically, my husband, as always, was right. I need to trust God, and stop trying to control things: mainly because I can’t. Oh, I would absolutely love to control things if I could. Isn’t that what we all try to do at times? That is precisely why it is a magnificent and marvelous thing that God is God and I am not. I make a terrible god. The LORD does not give His glory to another. I have been so, so proud and so full of myself… I can say without the shadow of a doubt I needed the chastisement of the Lord in my life.
In the words of C.H. Spurgeon, “You will never glory in God till first of all God has killed your glorying in yourself.”
JOB 42:1-6
1Then Job answered the Lord and said: 2 “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 3 ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 4 ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ 5 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; 6 therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.”
PART 2
If you are still reading, what comes next is just pure details on how the Lord helped me deal with all this. You don’t have to read them all to know the Lord is good, but I do need to write them all – or at least the “short” version (yes, this is the short version)- because I forget often about His goodness, and this is after all, a blog that I began writing so that I remember.
I think it is fair to say that my mind has always been my worst enemy. I am a sinner, but I have a wonderful Savior. I keep a journal of my thoughts and my prayers, and though I am not as consistent as I wish I were, I was recently able to see a pattern. I think being able to read what I had written in the past really helped me to see where I have been sinning for the past two years, or three. It’s not that I didn’t know, you know, but I continued doing the same thing. I did see some change, though. I did pray, and the Lord did change my heart. I did see God’s grace in my life one trial at a time. I DID see it.
The best way I can explain it is by saying that God has helped me see different aspects of His character through the same struggle, if that makes sense. It has been the same struggle for me, for a long time – time and time again, but God keeps showing me mercy. The struggle is this: fear and unbelief. That’s it. So I will try to elaborate on that.
For example, I am terrified of my husband dying, or I was. I am not as afraid as before. God has helped me with that. Now, brace yourself for my selfishness: I am afraid because he is the one who takes care of the finances of the home. I know I’m going to miss him, but I’m more afraid that I won’t be able to mourn him and grieve because I won’t know what to do with insurance policies, and all those things that need to be taken care of. He is amazing with his Excel sheet, and the only time I tried to keep the budget, we were in the red as fast as two days. I am not organized. I have zero idea of what he does with the backyard, when it needs to be fertilized, erosion control, weed control, mulch, trimming the trees, power washing the walls when they go green so the HOA doesn’t call you five times. If the AC dies, I don’t know what to do. These are first world problems. I know. I also know there’s wisdom to be exercised here, and I could be learning all of that before he dies, right?
[I actually had to ask him what are some of the many things he does cause I am clueless].
Over the years, God has also shown me that I’m afraid of not being able to take good care of the resources that would be entrusted to me were my husband to pass away. But my energy and my tears have been spent so much on those dark thoughts, that one day, by God’s grace I thought, “Where does your trust really lie, Karla? What if your husband were not to leave you any money at all? How then would you survive? A widow with two children and zero money? – I had two children at the time.
“Where are you placing your trust? In your husband’s bank account or in the Lord who provides? Even if you knew how to take care of that money and make it grow, you might still lose it all; what would you do then? Would you trust God to keep His promises to never leave you nor forsake you? What if you become homeless? Will you still praise the Lord? Will you be able to say ‘The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be His name’?”
After thinking those things, I realized that I was mainly afraid of my inability to do a good job with the resources that God has entrusted to us. A job like the one my husband has done. I don’t even know how to use Excel, and I mean, I am obviously not my husband. It has made me so angry just to think that were I to die, he would be like, “Okay, children, she’s dead, let’s go buy groceries and keep on plowing through the Math curriculum…”
My husband is so capable and so smart. And I feel like I am not. I actually asked him what he would do before I wrote it down, and he said, “I don’t know, I’d miss you, and I don’t know any of the things that you do with them. I don’t have time for that. I’d probably just tell them, ‘Okay, I need to work. I don’t know what your mother does with you, so do school.'”
This let me know he would figure it out. I have come to the realization that I would need to ask for help. I will need help, at least with some things. And God will help me through His people. I have actually identified that the husband of my dear friend (the one I was a jerk to with my comment about being Fertile Myrtle) is an accountant, and my husband really trusts him, so there’s that. I mean, we are the Body of Christ – the Lord provides you with people to help you, and He is glorified in that. Now, again, there’s wisdom to be exercised, and I’m not looking forward to my husband dying. I don’t have it all figured out, but the Lord has taken that anxiety away from me. He will take care of me. It’s not something that I dwell on anymore as often as I used to do before. Actually I haven’t thought about it in a long time. It was memorizing Scripture and meditating on what I was memorizing that helped me. I memorized Lamentations 3:21-26 .
So, here’s the pattern…
In March 2019, I wrote in my journal that I was very anxious about not knowing what would happen in the future regarding my life. There was this fear that came out of nowhere. Around the same time, I was praying that my husband would agree that we should homeschool the children. He said he needed time to think about it. At the same time, we were in the process of leaving our church over issues that were irreconcilable. Also, my husband was about to get a vasectomy reversal. I guess life was busy LOL!
My husband was not even scheduled for the surgery and I was already afraid of God not giving me babies. I knew I had done things in the past that were unforgivable – I had an abortion at 18. I had joked about not wanting to have more babies. I had despised in my heart the thought of staying home with my children and homeschool them. Of course, God had changed my heart regarding homeschooling, but I knew I had done things. I was not in the Word much. We were attending a mega church, and even though I loved my friends there, I was spiritually starving. I mean, I loved to hear expository sermons online, but there was no real discipleship, or any real life-giving fellowship that I was a part of. My pastor didn’t even know me.
I had the desire to have more babies as soon as my second one was a little bit older, but by then my husband had had a vasectomy because I had told him I was done having children after labor. Labor. You don’t decide things after labor… Anyway, my husband said the insurance didn’t cover the reversal, and that was that. We were selfish. I was selfish. People have different reasons to stop having children. In our case, we were thinking like the world thinks of children.
Now, the story of how God changed my husband’s heart is so sweet that I’m going to write it again. You can also see that the Lord was already working in my fear issues back since I had Danny. I wrote about it in Welcome Home, Danny!
My husband is telling Danny the story of why he got his vasectomy reversed:
Danny,
On February, 2019, I took a little trip to Singapore and India. While I was there, I took a stroll to the neighborhood where we used to live. We used to spend all our time together when we lived there, and many memories came back. We had a lot of fun, and it was a great place to live. We would see the sunrise and the sunset on most days because we had a terrace in our building. When I was there, I felt so guilty.
I saw Enzo’s videos from when he was two years old, and I remember we were so frustrated because he was disobedient and angry all the time, and tossing things. But now that I looked back, I felt so guilty… he was only two, he was a little boy. I called Mommy, and I told her about it. She said she knew I was feeling guilty, and she read to me Psalm 103.
I guess the Lord had been working in my heart already, but that Psalm and also looking back at Enzo and Libby when they were little, made me think it had been a mistake. It was not the right decision to make on 2012 when I had a vasectomy. We thought, ‘We are done, our family is complete, and we don’t want any more kids. When we are 47, our children will leave the house, and we will be free. We are still young and we will enjoy our lives.‘ But the more and more I read the Scriptures, the more I saw that children are a blessing from the Lord. We were thinking more like the world than biblically.
On the way back from India, I took a 17-hour flight from Doha to Houston, and I sat down next to a mommy with a little girl. That baby was holding my finger, and she reminded me so much of your sister, her big brown eyes, very cute and tender. I felt even more conviction from the Lord. I thought, ‘What did I do? This was a mistake…‘
So upon my return, and after praying more, I scheduled a vasectomy reversal. On May, I had surgery, and we prayed that if indeed it was the Lord’s will, that Mommy would get pregnant, but it was not happening. On January 2020, I traveled again, and we had missed the window, but we tried anyway. The Lord, in his grace and his mercy got Momma pregnant, and nine months later, here you are in my arms. You were supposed to be born today (October 20th), but you were born two weeks earlier because you are big.
You are gorgeous, you are a little angel, and your Daddy loves you very much. And I’m probably gonna make mistakes like I did with Enzo and with Libby, but it’s gonna be mostly your fault.
I love you. I love you, Son.
This is what was in my husband’s mind when he was in India 🙂
I think there’s a lot to unpack in what my husband said because there are no mistakes in God’s plan for our lives. Yes, my husband did have the vasectomy, but that was God’s will for his life. My pastor would say, “Did it happen? If the answer is yes, then that was God’s sovereign plan for your life all along.”
Things get complicated, though, the more you think about these things. There are things that are horrible that have happened through human history, and we need to think about those atrocities from a biblical point of view, without trying to “let God off the hook”. That’s where most Christians cringe. I think, for the most part, Christians feel safe by saying that God allows bad things to happen, and that He works things out for the good of those who love Him. But what I am saying is that I also affirm that God actually ordains those bad things to happen, that He sees to it that those bad things happen, and that the reason they happen is because He planned that they happen. And if this is where I lose you, I understand.
I would hope you would give me a chance to explain what I mean, but it doesn’t take five minutes, you know. I’m going to link some wonderful resources that talk about God’s Sovereignty and God’s Providence, the misunderstandings of it, and how to deal with biblical texts. God is indeed sovereign and omnipotent while at the same time, unchanging and unchangeable, just and loving, merciful and holy.
We have to have categories in our mind that allow us to see God for who He has Himself revealed to be in the Scripture – a God who bring calamity and even ordains sin to happen, without God being evil or the author of evil. Those things are true at the same time, and there’s a lot of tension with that, but the Bible teaches both are true.
LBCF 1689 – Chapter III. Of God’s Decree
Paragraph 1 God hath decreed in himself, from all eternity, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely and unchangeably, all things, whatsoever comes to pass;1 yet so as thereby is God neither the author of sin nor hath fellowship with any therein;2 nor is violence offered to the will of the creature, nor yet is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established;3 in which appears His wisdom in disposing all things, and power and faithfulness in accomplishing His decree.4
I have come to a better grasp of these truths through the sermons that I will link at the end. My pastor has spent a lot of time going through the London Baptist Confession of Faith 1689, laboring Chapter after Chapter, Paragraph after Paragraph. He has showed the congregation where these truths are found in the Bible. We are a confessional church, and so we believe what we believe because it’s in the Bible, and my pastor has been faithful in preaching God’s Word.
I’ve had to ask myself, “Do I really believe this? Do I really affirm this? I’ve seen it in the Scriptures, but will I submit to it – pain and all?”
You know, it’s easy to affirm God is sovereign when your life is pink, but is He sovereign when you wake up, and see your bed stained with blood? Will I affirm that He ordained my miscarriage would happen from before the foundation of the world, for His glory and for my good? I can tell you something straight: it doesn’t FEEL good!! The death of my child was NOT good! My dreams died. I will never be able to hold that baby, or hug him, or kiss him until the day I die. The only memory of him that I have is that last Easter I was pregnant, and I took a picture with Danny because I was so happy. I was wearing a blue skirt. For the next several months, I would go into my closet and cry every time I saw that skirt. I hated that stupid blue skirt. I hated death. I hated going to church because I would cry with every single hymn, and with every single sermon.
Why did I take that pregnancy test so early? If I had waited, I would have never known I was pregnant, and I would have thought the bleeding was only another very heavy period – like the ones I’ve had in the past. I know God is near to the broken-hearted, but I was in so much pain. I didn’t really feel Him near for some time, and when I would see a little bit of light, the emotions would come at me again, and kick me in the gut. Then it was horrible all over again for a while.
James White writes, “If He [God] is control (and He is), then the change in my life came from His hand. And I don’t like this change. I’m angry, and yes, I’m angry with God.”
This is the perfect break for a meme.
My husband has always being super chill about God’s will. As you read in what he told Danny, he really had the vasectomy to go back to his “natural” state. He never had it because he knew God would give us more children. He wanted to honor God in what he felt God’s conviction was about. I was not as chill, though. Even back then, the OBGYN had suggested I began taking some medicine to ovulate since I was really not that young anymore, but my husband refused. He didn’t want anything or anyone intervening whatsoever. He wanted God to receive all the glory. That made me angry. Anyways, I did not conceive until nine months later, and that, when it was the least likely of times. I was tired of trying, and I literally was done. But he wanted to try and we did. And God granted me conception that month – the month I didn’t want to try. The month I had given up trying.
Looking at my journal I can also see there has always been this fear of asking God to give me good things. The things that are big and unthinkable, things that are almost impossible… I am afraid of asking for those because I am afraid He will say NO. I know I don’t deserve them, so I assume He will deny them. And to be honest, I think God is changing that in me, too. When I began to understand the Doctrines of Grace, I was so terrified about my children’s salvation because I knew I had no control over it, neither did my children. I had seen these truths in the Bile, and I had come to terms with them, but I didn’t like them at all at the beginning. You know that cage-stage? It happened to me LOL!
But over time, I began to see that those doctrines are the sweetest to live by, because Christ really loved me to the uttermost. To be so radically depraved as to reject Him, and that He went through the death that He went through – in order to give me life? I am confident that He will glorify Himself either in the salvation of my children or He will exercise His justice were they to reject Him. I am at peace with that, because I have learned and seen these truths in the Scriptures. And so the confusion and misunderstandings of those doctrines are gone, because while I am NOT in control of their salvation (that is God’s sovereign choice) I know I I DO have a role to play: I can pray and I can share Christ with them.
My prayers for my children and my sharing of the gospel are the means by which the Lord will save them – if that is His will of decree. His revealed will for me in this particular case is that I pray and share the gospel. If I don’t pray for things to happen, then they won’t happen, and if God has ordained that they get saved because my pastor preached a sermon (among other things), then that sermon HAS to be preached, and on and on we go.
Think about when Paul was in the ship and everybody was going crazy, and he told them they had to stay in the boat. God would save them all, but they needed to stay. Had they jumped, they would have not been saved, but they stayed because that’s what God had ordained to happen, and so it happened. And they were all saved. I hope I’m not losing you.
I really hope you listen to those sermons from my pastor, specially when he talks about how God exercises His sovereignty in the works of Providence, and what he talks about secondary causes. I have come to see that my miscarriage was indeed a gift. Not the death of the baby, but yeah, the pain and the loss. God is not rejoicing over that, but He did ordained my sanctification. He is committed to make me like Christ, and I had always been afraid of that because I know that it has been granted to me not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake (Philippians 1:29). I know sanctification involves suffering. I didn’t want to suffer.
I have always asked, “What if this, what if that? What if Emerson dies? What if I never get pregnant? What if I do get pregnant, and then the baby dies?”
And so the whole pregnancy with Danny, I was so afraid of losing him, that I began memorizing Scripture like never before. Every morning I would go on a 2-mile walk, and I would cry my eyes out. Somehow the Lord had opened my eyes to the fact that the godliest people suffer, that sanctification usually happened through suffering. I was already struggling with fear even before I was pregnant. During the nine months that we were trying to have Danny, I had already memorized Habakkuk 3, the last verses when he praises the Lord even though there is no fruit on the vines, and the field produces no fruit.
I was trying to set my heart on God, not on a baby. So I know that Danny was not given to me because somehow I had this amazing faith… I am an over-thinker, I know, but thinking helps me figure things out. So I already shared with you that I was afraid of asking God for good things because I know I don’t deserve them, so I assumed He won’t give them to me. But doesn’t that mean or reveal that I have this underlying false assumption that the things he DOES give me, He gives them to me because somehow I DO deserve them? And honestly, this would not be an uncommon pattern of thinking for me because I was raised in a very works-based fashion. I had to earn approval and love. I have always struggled with my view of God as a Father who loves me and takes care fo me, regardless of what I do for Him. I have had to work very hard at believing HIM and trusting HIM when He says that He loves me for who I am in Christ.
So when I had Danny in my uterus, I was still asking the Lord to help me set my heart on Him – not on Danny. And the whole pregnancy, I was so afraid of losing Danny. Then Danny was born, and I was struggling with breastfeeding, and I thought he would starve to death. But these fears were unfounded; he was not starving, of course. It was just me being fearful.
Goodness, there was a time in my life when I lost like ten pounds just because I was so anxious about dying. Back then, my husband was not really being the spiritual leader in our home, and I was terrified that if I died, he would not teach the children the Bible. Do you have any idea of how many hours of my life have been wasted by crying and worrying over things I have no control over, and most of those things – basically all of them – have never come to pass? (Miscarrying has been the only one that did happen).
Jesus’ words always ring in my head when he says that adding a single hour to my life by worrying is a small thing… but I cannot even do a small thing like that, so why would I worry about the rest?
Luke 12:25-26
So the pattern that kept showing in my journal is that of fear and repentance. Fear and repentance. Fear and repentance. Through Danny’s pregnancy, the Lord did showed me how much He loved me. I knew that, of course, but the experience of His love was so sweet. I felt so blessed that He would give me a baby! A baby at 38 years old!
And I cried at the hospital because for one, I was full of hormones; two, I had a long and painful labor; and three, I realized how unfaithful I had been with Him. Why did I worry so much? Why didn’t I trust Him that He would care for me and for this child that He gave me? And my answer would be that I didn’t know Danny would be healthy, or that I couldn’t presume that things would turn out right. I am always anxious about something, and that hasn’t been the best way to live. It is awful.
Reading my journal and seeing the same sinful patterns before the pregnancy with Danny, during the pregnancy with Danny, the miscarriage and now the wait for another baby – even the potential scenario in which Danny is my last child – has helped me see that I am always trying to pry into God’s secret will. His will of decree. His revealed will is that I read my Bible, that I love my neighbor, that I pray, that I don’t lie, that I don’t lust, etc. But it is NONE of my business to try to figure out how my life will turn out. So when I can’t figure it out, when I can’t know whether it would go well with me or not – and I always presume it won’t go well – I always despair, and then I fear, and then I go full corrupt with unbelief.
I mean, is that crazy or what?
The cold truth is that I haven’t FULLY trust God. And I know that’s not a fair assessment of my faith, I have trusted Him at times – fully. I don’t think my faith has to be perfect, because no one’s faith is perfect. The object of my faith is Christ, and I have trusted in Him for the forgiveness of my sin. I know I am saved, but I cannot wait to get rid of this body of death, and being able to never sin again. I look forward to being with Christ more and more as the years go by. I’m not looking forward to dying and leaving my children as orphans in this world, but I hope you see what I mean.
God has been working in my heart, in His most holy and wisest of ways, to make me love Him more. My faith and my trust in Him has deepened through this trial, in ways I can only try to explain. It’s as if He is wooing me. He has been working in my heart to make me trust Him more. And that has been so sweet, and comforting, and tender. He doesn’t afflict me because He hates me, He afflicts me because He loves me. He does afflict, but He doesn’t afflict me from His heart – that is a big difference (Lamentation 3:33).
He wants me to be like His Son. He has promised me that He will make me like His Son (Romans 8:29). And the death of my child has been so sad, but at the same time it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life, because I have seen how my God, my Savior, has taken care of my soul. He has made me identify with His Son in His sufferings. The Lord Jesus Christ asked for the cup of God’s wrath to be taken away, and The Father said NO – for my sake. For my sake. God brought many sons to glory through the death of Christ, and Christ endured His cross for the joy that was set before Him. He did that for me.
God has showed me and exposed in me so many faulty assumptions I had about His character. I knew things about Him in my theological head, but many of those things needed to click in my heart. I am not saying theology is not necessary. I can only imagine someone saying, “See, that’s why I don’t like theology and doctrine”. Yeah, well, you need good theology to properly worship God. The goal of theology is doxology.
I cannot wait for Easter Sunday. It is this Sunday. My child died on April 7th, so the anniversary is behind me. But I can’t wait to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ because He died for me, He loved me and He gave Himself for me. If my righteousness came through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. He is so compassionate and abounding in steadfast love, He is merciful and forgives my trespasses. It has been good for me to wait for the salvation of YWHW. He is good to those who wait for him, to the soul that seeks Him. His mercies are new every morning, they truly never come to an end.
Okay, so, get this. The other day I was running, and I began sobbing. I was listening to when Jesus teaches that God is a good Father who will not give His children a snake when they ask for a fish. Grief does weird things to you. I began sobbing because I’ve been asking for a baby all this year, and nothing is happening. For all I know my womb is dead. And I told him through my tears that I needed to help me believe that he was at work in this, somehow. I know the miscarriage was his plan. But I have also felt like hearing about my fertility was another loss on top of the loss. I knew this was not a serpent, although it felt like one, but I believe the Scriptures, and He doesn’t give bad things to His children. I was so tired of asking, so tired of waiting, so tired of persevering. I just wanted to quit, you know? It would just be easier if He would tell me I’m not going to be a mother ever again. You know what the saddest thing is? That is something I have told him once before – when I was trying to get pregnant with Danny.
So I was sobbing, and I was going faster, and faster… I cried out, “The steadfast love of YHWH never ceases, your mercies never come to and end, right? Your mercies are new every morning, great is your faithfulness. Where? Where are the mercies, help me see them because I don’t see them!”
Ugh… then some days later I am walking with Danny, and it’s a beautiful morning and the sun is still shinning, and I am alive, and I get to talk to God. I get to approach the Creator of the universe because of what Christ did for me on the cross. God has kept me. He has tested my faith, but He has been so good to me in this trial. Goodness… every time I go for a run – literally – He upholds the beating of my heart by the word of His power. I am not that morbid, but I have thought sometimes, “What would ever happen if God said to my heart, ‘Stop beating’ while I’m running and pushing the stroller?”
How is the fact that I’m still breathing not an every-day mercy?
Vintage 13.1 – April 10, 2022
PART 3
This year I have felt the full weight of this Paragraph.
LBCF 1689 – Chapter V. Of Providence
Paragraph 5 The perfectly wise, righteous, and gracious God often allows his own children for a time to experience a variety of temptations and the sinfulness of their own hearts. He does this to chastise them for their former sins or to make them aware of the hidden strength of the corruption and deceitfulness of their hearts so that they may be humbled. He also does this to lead them to a closer and more constant dependence on him to sustain them, to make them more cautious about all future circumstances that may lead to sin, and for other just and holy purposes.15 So whatever happens to any of his elect happens by his appointment, for his glory, and for their good.16
Let me tell you, my heart is DAAAAAAARK. My heart has lied to me, my heart has set me against my God, and against the people of God whom I love. My heart is deceitful and so full of sin. And my God is so, so good.
I think we are almost done… I don’t have many more things to say. I originally wanted to type basically every single thing that I have underlined in every book I have read, but I’ll skip it, this has been long enough already. So the book on grief talks about stages and how you will go through them, more of less, all of them in different patterns. And you need to work through those stages, not ignore them, otherwise you will only delay healing. You will fall into destructive patterns of behavior or coping mechanisms that will just not allow you to heal. I think I went through all of those just fine, they would come and go.
I think my healing was delayed as long as it was because I had no idea how to go through the grief. I mean, I had to buy a book, and the book doesn’t tell you exactly how to deal with those things. It tells you what will happen, and that those feelings are normal and to be expected, but it is not like there’s someone counseling you, you know?
I don’t know, I have my dearest friend who always heard me cry, having gone through several miscarriages herself. But after a while, I kind of felt bad, you know, like I had to move on, and not bother her anymore. But that’s the thing with grief – it’s different with everybody. Also, most of the time I felt unthankful for not being joyful about the children God had given me, instead of focusing so much on the one He had taken away. It was okay to be sad. My baby died.
So anyway, I reread the book on grief in order to write this blog, and it said, “Hope accepts the promises of God and trusts in Him. That is the means of your deliverance.”
When I read that, I was like, “I just got there last week. I have arrived at HOPE. A full year in, and by God’s grace, I’ve made it. I’m there. God did it.”
Now, how did God make this happen exactly? I will tell you what… It was a full year of sadness, and crying, and anger, and praying for things I didn’t even know if they were the right things to pray for, but I hope to give some insight. I need to put all these thoughts into writing, but before I do that, the book DID say you have to deal with all those feelings. And I know now that the feeling I was holding onto was my anger.
I was angry at God. I know not all people are the same, but if anybody tells you they are not angry at God in some way after the death of someone they deeply loved, they are most likely lying. I had misconceptions about God’s Sovereignty. Actually, I knew what it meant. I knew what I believed. I just hated the fact that His sovereignty had touched me. What a depraved little heart I have… to be so full of pride that I somehow felt it was not okay for this to happen to me. One never really thinks or even expects this would happen to them.
The book said that if you don’t deal with those emotions, you will fall into a pattern of behaviors that will only delay your healing – destructive coping mechanisms, in some cases. You will express those feelings somehow. Just recently, I realized that I was expressing my anger via memes. I delayed dealing with my anger because of all the misconception and faulty assumptions I had regarding God’s character. Also my heart lied to me, and my emotions lied to me.
Now, my memes… I have always liked memes, but I did get into a pattern of ugly memes. I was angry, and I was making memes to make people angry, and you know what? I loved it for a while. But the Lord began showing me this was not okay, and I stopped full turkey. I left the Facebook group I was a part of.
I thought it was not a big deal that I was making these memes, they were not in any way offensive or inappropriate, they would just make people upset at times. Then I heard my pastor preach a couple of weeks ago on the wrath of God, and I thought, “What have I been spending most of my time with? What worthy things for the Kingdom have I been doing all this year, other than moping about the miscarriage and my infertility? I mean, sure, I’ve been homeschooling my children and serving my church, but will the Lord be pleased with the other things I do?”
I kid you not, my Facebook meme group came to my mind in a second. I knew I had to leave it. And I tried to leave a couple of times, and I couldn’t get myself to click the Leave Group button. I loved that group too much. But then when I spent the whole afternoon not being able to click the Leave Group button, I realized I really needed to leave. It was actually hard. I breathed in and out, counted to three, and clicked the button. And that was that. Honestly, I think that was obedience to the Lord. And I am not saying my obedience was the key to my healing – God healed me – but I think obedience played a huge role in that. And we know that whatever I do, it is really the Lord bringing that about in me (Philippians 2:13).
After I left the group (no more than two weeks ago), I began listening to my pastor preach the sermons I’m linking to. I almost found those sermons by accident, but we know there are no accidents in God’s Providence.
My pastor’s words also healed my heart in a way. You don’t know my pastor, but he is the best pastor. He has seen me from the pulpit straight into the eyes when he knows I’m crying, and he keeps on preaching Christ. He knows what I’m going through, and he asks me how I am doing when he knows I am not doing okay. And yet he doesn’t shrink from declaring to me the whole counsel of God. He just preached last week an amazing sermon on how God is in charge of our pain, and it was so comforting to my soul because it is the first time I hear those words and I don’t recoil at them. I am not angry at them anymore. I embrace them. I was actually so happy during the service. I knew God wanted me to hear that. I will link to that sermon too, and I will end this blog with some of those words.
I had no meme group anymore, so hearing my pastor preach online helped me buy another book called Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges. I read that book in almost three days. I was underlining everything, and things were just coming together, one after another. All those passages I’ve had been memorizing for years, Habakkuk 3, Lamentations 3, Romans 8. It’s like scales began falling from my eyes. I don’t know how else to describe it, but like, I went from disbelief to belief. It was like I saw God’s Word anew. It came alive and I believed it. It was not me, though, I know it was God’s grace that made that happen. It was as if the Lord had made me learn all those things before, and memorize all those passages before, and then He made me flesh them out in my soul for a full year.
This may sound obvious, but the book said that God’s sovereignty is exercised primarily for His glory, but because I am in Christ, His glory and my good are linked together. Because I am united with Christ, whatever is for His glory is also for my good. This is a promise that only believers in Christ have. I had, somehow, disconnected those truths from my heart. I thought Him to be harsh and distant. I was angry. The book also addressed so many questions and thoughts I had, thoughts I had kept hidden. It mentioned that the more we come to believe God’s sovereignty in our lives, the more we are tempted to doubt His love and question His goodness. Not only that, but that Satan will also plant the thought in our minds that God is up in heaven mocking us in our distress. That was refreshing to hear. You have no idea how refreshing. So far I’ve seen four women announcing their pregnancies in my church in the last six months. I love these women, and I am learning to rejoice with those who rejoice. I also, however, felt the sting in my heart as if God were parading these pregnant bellies in front of my face, like a rich man parades a piece of bread in front of a poor man who’s starving. And the poor man says, “May I have some of that bread, sir? I have come to believe you are truly the Only One who can give it to me.” But the rich man, scoffing at the poor man, says, “Of course, not.”
So to read that, to read those temptations are a reality, and very likely have been experienced by someone else like the author, made me rejoice in God. And I repented for allowing my pain to cause me to harbor hard thoughts about God.
I even wrote, “Thank you!” next to that paragraph in page 136. It was that refreshing to read.
The book also helped me to see that I could not let my emotions hold sway over my mind. I had to reason through the Scriptures even when my heart ached. It also challenged my thinking that I should not aim for the pain to be gone. My duty and first priority was to glorify God, and to honor Him by trusting Him in the midst of adversity. The book showed me that trusting God was not a matter of my feelings, but rather a matter of my will. God’s honor should take precedence over my feelings.
I think the sweetest part was that it encouraged me to pray. And when I say that, I mean that I will continue to pray, not for the Lord to take away the pain (it still hurts), but for the Lord to grant me the desires of my heart as I delight in Him. This year has been so crappy. I’ve read psalm after psalm, and the psalmists never allowed their whys to drag on – they always ended up rejoicing in God’s salvation. Like, everything is about God’s salvation, not about getting what they want or getting out of trouble. And I could not understand how they did that. All these verses and passages I read talk about God’s goodness for those who wait for Him, but all this year I did not know what I was waiting for. What had I been waiting for exactly?
Should I keep on praying and waiting for a baby? Should I pray for the Lord to take away the desire for a baby? Should I keep on waiting for deliverance? Deliverance from what? From the pain, from the “infertility”? I even asked my pastor, “What am I supposed to do? When do you call it quits because God is not answering?”
Once again, the book encouraged me to pray and to trust God’s sovereignty, without falling into this pious fatalism that I am prone to: I don’t know what will happen, therefore I despair, then I fear, then I go full-corrupt with unbelief. Habakkuk 3 ends in hope. Lamentations 3 ends in hope. Jeremiah remembered, he literally brings to mind that the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, and that His mercies never come to an end, and he ends up saying that it is good to wait for the salvation of YHWH. They are trusting God to fulfill His promises to them; promises that are beyond this earth. Suffering makes you see beyond what is temporary, and helps you set your eyes on what is invisible and eternal.
I am not saying this has not been hard, but it has really been but a light momentary affliction that is preparing for me an eternal weight of glory that is beyond all comparison. This suffering will produce eternal glory for me. I believe it will because I have believed God, and He has promised that. It has weaned me from the world, it has purified my heart by breaking off from me the sins on account of which God afflicted me, it has disposed me to look for God to console me and support me in my trails. He has promised to reward me for this suffering as I live it in faith. As Isaiah 48:10 says, “Behold, I have refined you , but not as silver. I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”
It is by affliction that he purifies them, and by trial that he takes their affections from the objects of time and sense, and gives them a relish for the enjoyments which result from the prospect of perfect and eternal glory.
Barnes’ notes on the bible – 2 corinthians 4:17
So I went on a run the other day with Danny and I I was listening to the book of Luke. I had read the night before everything I just said about prayer, and how I have noticed that I quit, that I get discouraged and I stop. I quit when I don’t see the Lord answer my prayer in what I think should be “my” timing. And what do you know? I heard the Parable of the Persistent Widow, and it starts like this, “And he [Jesus] told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart.”
I seriously had to listen to that sentence over and over again. It is my duty to always prays and not lose heart. This is His revealed will for me: that I always pray and not lose heart. I repented for not doing that. I don’t know what God is going to do with my obedience, but I need to obey. He gave me the desire to obey, and I will pray for me to delight in Him. That is my priority right now: to delight in Him.
How futile and even arrogant for us to seek to determine what God is doing in a particular event or circumstance. We simply cannot search out the reasons behind His decisions or trace out the ways by which He brings those decisions to pass. If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves, we must come to the place where we can honestly say, ‘God, I do not have to understand. I will just trust you.’
Trusting God by Jerry Bridges
I have repented of not delighting in God. I have been delighting in other things, but not in Him. Those other things were but broken cisterns that could not hold any water. After reading that book (it really was just a couple of days that I finished reading it), I went to bed, and the next day, I felt… free. God delivered me from my affliction. I DO want God to give me the desires of my heart, but I am not about to vulgarise that great promise.
Whatsoever we make necessary for our contentment, we make lord of our happiness. By our eager desires we give perishable things supreme power over us, and so intertwine our being with theirs, that the blow which destroys them lets out our life-blood. And, therefore, we are ever disturbed by apprehensions and shaken by fears. If a man has fixed his happiness on anything lower than the stars, less stable than the heavens, less sufficient than God, there does come, sooner or later, a time when it passes from him, or he from it. The more we have our affections set on God, the more shall we enjoy, because we subordinate, His gifts. The less, too, shall we dread their loss, the less be at the mercy of their fluctuations.
Maclaren’s expositions 37:4
I have seen the above quote being fleshed out in my life and heart this year. When I looked at Danny during pregnancy and even after that, I was so afraid of losing him. And now I delight in him, but it is different. I am actually delighting in the Giver of Danny. Of course, there is a sense in which I also delight in Danny, and he is so full of life, that I love seeing him every day. But I have learned not to fear losing Danny, and this has been God’s doing. That’s why I am not as afraid as I was before, if my husband were to die. Those thoughts and temptations come at times, but I have been fighting them better. This year God has shown me that my only true hope, and the only true anchor of my sou is Him.
My heart is so full of joy and happiness, like it hadn’t been in a very long time. I had felt so thirsty for Him; this year has been so hard. I know it is His grace, not anything I did. I am so happy I am not pregnant right now, because I know my joy is in Him – not in a baby. This year, I made motherhood an idol in my heart. I still hope He blesses me and grows my family, but He has taught me to say that He is my portion. I will hope in Him.
So I went on a run the other day – I’ve been running a lot – and I heard Psalm 116. I had never been so pumped while listening to a psalm LOL! I can tell the psalmist had issues going on, and I was l like, “Me, too, Brother. Me too.” I have experienced what he was talking about, and it’s not something that I would recommend, but suffering really helps you appreciate the inspired psalmists and their writings.
PSALM 116
1I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. 2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
He heard me. He heard me cry for mercy all this year. I will call on Him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came over me; I was overcome by distress and sorrow. 4 Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Lord, save me!”
This year I have felt sorrow that I had never felt before. My bones were in anguish and at times I did feel death, in a way, entangling me. There were so many nights that I would cry quietly in my bed.
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. 6 The Lord protects the unwary; when I was brought low, he saved me.
7 Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.
AMEN. He is full of compassion. He brought me low, and He has saved me.
8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, 9 that I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
10 I trusted in the Lord when I said, “I am greatly afflicted”; 11 in my alarm I said, “Everyone is a liar.”
12 What shall I return to the Lord for all his goodness to me?
He has delivered me from death so I may walk before Him in the land of the living. What can I render to Him for His goodness to me? Nothing!
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord. 14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.
I will lift up the cup of salvation and glory in His name. I will gladly receive His mercy to me.
15 Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants. 16 Truly I am your servant, Lord; I serve you just as my mother did; you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you and call on the name of the Lord. 18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people, 19 in the courts of the house of the Lord— in your midst, Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord.
I don’t know what else to say. I have literally exhausted my brain LOL!
God is so good to me. That’s all I’ve been saying lately to my children for the past four days. He has told the rod of my affliction to stop, and it stopped. Oh, my pastor had no idea how happy I was when he was preaching this last week.
When we believe God’s revelation, it will cause us to lean on Him, instead of leaning on what seems visibly powerful. In Isaiah’s day, it was Assyria. Don’t put your hope today in wealth, when you know the One who gives wealth… Friends, the Sovereign Lord says to the rod, ‘That’s enough, this is where you stop.’ And let me tell you something, friend, just like He limited Assyria, the Sovereign Lord says that to the rod in your life, ‘This far is what I intend, and no more.’
Even in His chastening, God shows mercy. He is so good. I am just overwhelmed by His wisdom, His fatherly care, even when He wields the rod. He doesn’t wish any more suffering in His people that is necessary for their sanctification, and whatever His tool, whatever His instrument, whatever that messenger of Satan sent to harass you, and drive you to humble dependance upon the Lord, your loving heavenly Father is just waiting to say, ‘Enough. Your work is done. My servant is purified. He’s cleansed, he’s learned, he’s grown. He’s cast his hope on Me, and not on the powers that be.’
Friend, trust His wisdom. Trust His heart. Trust His Sovereignty. Kiss the rod. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.
I wanted to go straight after the sermon and give him a hug, and tell him, “He stopped. You know how I was waiting for something to happen? Well, I’m not pregnant, but the Lord heard my cry, and He delivered me! I believe His plan is good for me, I know He will fulfill His promises to me. I know He loves me. I know He is near me!”.
But I was also so close to the beginning of the line for lunch, that I chose lunch LOL!
The book on grieving said this, “God is doing something in our lives, trials and difficulties are the fire that He uses to bring our impurities to the surface. But what does the goldsmith do after removing the first impurities that appear? Does he stop? No, he makes the fire even hotter, bringing up the next level of impurities. The process continues on, each time requiring more and more heat.”
I read that as I was preparing this blog, and I was like, “Oh, no, who’s gonna die next?” And then, I laughed, not because I rejoice in death or find it funny, but because that is the kind of thought that entangles my mind. I know He wants me to be more like Christ, so my trials will only get more and more difficult. I know this, then I despair, then I fear, and I go full-corrupt to unbelief. But this time, I was able to laugh, and rejoice in my Savior. And I don’t look at suffering in the face and say, “Bring it on.” That would be stupid and arrogant and proud. But I trust my Shepherd. He will guide me through whatever valley He choses to lead me to. He is good. I am not going to pry into His secret will – that is HIS. My duty is to trust Him, and obey Him as He leads me.
I’m done. It took me almost three days of full-time writing. I literally abandoned my baby to the mercy of YouTube nursery rhymes for one full day, maybe two. But my heart is so full.
There is a happy ending. My dear friend who has struggled with infertility just had her third baby this Thanksgiving. My baby would have been born around the same time. We had dinner with them a day after the anniversary of my baby’s passing. I told her I was going to try to hold it together, but that I had no idea how I would respond. I had no idea what emotions I would feel when I hold this baby in my arms, so I asked for grace in case I cried. She was sweet and told me I didn’t have to keep it together for her.
So we went. I saw the baby. He is so chubby and cute. I had to make a conscious effort to ask for him, but when I held him in my arms there was no sadness at all in my heart. No bitterness. No anger. No despair. No envy. No covetousness. No emptiness. No anxiety. I DID NOT SIN. When I carried him, I was overwhelmed with joy. I didn’t cry, and I didn’t even had to hold back the tears because there were none. I was happy.
That evening I saw my three children playing together with her three children. The house was full. I realized that God, in His goodness, has set my heart straight. I don’t idolize a pregnancy anymore, and that is yet another mercy. God set me free, which has enabled me to pray for His will to be done. I still have the desire to have more children, but the Lord has purified my motives. I rejoice in children because they bear the image of God, they are cute, and I want to train them in the ways of the Lord. So yes, I want to have more babies, and I hope one of these days He says YES!!
But even if I never get to call a baby my own anymore, I will rejoice in the Lord. I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength. He makes my feet like the deer’s. He makes me tread on my high places.
Hearing Jesus speak into your Sorrow by Nancy Guthrie. Personally I didn’t even finish this one, cause I cringed at how she would talk, almost pretending to talk like Jesus. It reminded me of the heresy of Jesus Calling. However, I have seen Nancy being recommended by Costi Hinn. I am not saying she’s doctrinally in error. I just didn’t feel comfortable with the book – that’s all.
Mysterious Ways by David Kingdon. This is a book on Providence in the life of Joseph. I haven’t read it. I got it at a conference. I think it will most likely make more sense now, maybe not so much if I had read it when I was full into the saddest moments.
Jeremiah and Lamentations by Philip Graham Ryken. This is a commentary. I haven’t finished it, but the section on Lamentations has been very helpful to me.
Providence by John Piper. I have not read it. I just found out about this book last week, and it’s seven hundred pages. I am intending to buy it, though. I am linking a video with john Piper explaining all that the book contains.
YOUTUBE
Doctrine of the Providence of God by John Piper. He starts with the story of Ruth and how the Lord gave her conception so he obviously had my attention. This is part 1. There are ten parts in this series. If you click in the link, YouTube will show you all the remaining parts.
We have been very busy! God has been incredibly kind and merciful to us in so many ways. The children and I have been memorizing Psalm 103, and it has helped me to hold on to God’s promises in the midst of some things my heart is aching for.
Libby is quite the typer. She actually typed everything you are about to read. I literally had no time to type, so it was good to delegate. I hope that with time, her writing becomes more and more insightful, but this was amazing as a record of our activities! I literally just had to add some comas here and there, and delete others. But wow, I’m glad she has been taking her typing lessons online becasue she was fast! LOL!
OUR VACATION
Last week we went to the beach in Panama City, Florida. We stopped at a restaurant for breakfast and for lunch. I don’t remember if we ate dinner at the hotel or at another restaurant. We got to our hotel around 6:00 pm. and started unpacking.
Our room had two TV’s, one bed, one bunkbed, one bathroom, and one closet. After unpacking, we went down to the beach and watched the sunset. It was beautiful. We took a few photos too. Then we went back to our hotel and slept.
In the morning, we ate breakfast at the hotel and went to the beach at around 10:00 am. All of us were ready with our swimsuits, including Danny. He loved the water! At first he just sat there, letting the water gently brush his toes. Then he actually crawled into the ocean. We had to go get him because he had started crawling farther than was safe for him. He really wants to start walking. If you grab him by the wrists, he instantly stands up and starts walking away. And he goes so fast that he always stands on his tippy-toes. Mommy walked with him from the sand all the way to the ocean until the water was at Danny’s chest. Danny loved it. He kept picking up sand and seeing it fall though his fingers. Somehow he knew not to eat it.
There were a lot of fishes. I had goggles to go underwater. I tried catching some with my hands. They are seriously more afraid of the waves than of you. They try to touch your feet, and there were tons of them. If you tried to catch them, they would swim away a few feet and then come back five seconds later. I tried kicking up sand while I was underwater, but they just swam through it, even more curious. When they were going through it, I tried to catch them because they probably couldn’t see that well. I touched half a fish, but it got away.
After the beach, we went to our hotel pool. Most pools usually feel cold at the beginning but then it feels better. This pool was cold even after you got in. There was a hot tub next to the pool. When I got in, it felt burning, but you got used to it. Daddy got in too. Enzo touched the water and instantly jumped back in the pool. Daddy’s watch showed that the hot tub was 100F. In the pool, there was a lazy river that went from right to left in a loop. The current was really strong. Even with my mermaid tail, I could not swim against the current. I just stayed in one place and got more and more tired. Danny was tired from the beach, so he fell asleep on daddy’s chest.
After the pool we had some pizza. Danny had one whole slice of pizza to himself. We went back to our room and all took showers. Enzo and I watched some TV, and soon after that we had some dinner at a restaurant really close to our hotel. Then Daddy took us to play mini golf. It was very fun. He was first place, Mommy was second, Enzo was third, and, of course, I was last. Then we went to our room and went to bed.
The next morning Mommy and Daddy went to exercise and we went with them. After they were done, we went back to the hotel and had breakfast, then went to the beach and pool again. Then we went back to our room, took showers again, ate dinner, then went to sleep. In the morning, Mommy and Daddy went to exercise again, but this time, they left us at the hotel, and we watched TV until they came back. After they returned, we ate breakfast, and first we went to the pool. Danny floated a little in his float, but he was shivering, so he had to get out. Mommy and I decided to go to the beach. There were a lot of jellyfish in the water, so we did not swim. There were also twenty dead jellyfish on the shore! After the beach, we did not take showers but we started packing.
After we finished packing, we went to a surprise Daddy had planned for us. When we got there, we found out it was an amusement park! It was small, which was good because, if we wanted to, we could ride everything. We rode on bumper cars, bumper boats, and we went to a fun house. We also rode on a rollercoaster. It was small, but it was a real rollercoaster. Real turns and loops. The feeling in my stomach was awful.
Then there was something that looked like a ginormous carousel, but it was a little bit tilted and there were cars. And they were all connected to the top and they spun super fast. The cars didn’t touch the ground, the machine just pulled them. Enzo and I went on it, and it felt almost the same as the rollercoaster. It went so fast! It lasted a few minutes with the cars going forward. Then it slowed down and finally stopped. Then, just as I thought someone was going to get us off, it started going again. This time, backwards. I think going backwards was a little better, but not much.
Then we went on something like a tilted ferris wheel, But it went faster. There were no seatbelts, so you had to hold on really tight. When you went up, your seat turned. It can turn all the way around and keep going, so when we went up, we flipped over. It was scary, but soon it was over. There was also a black-light mini golf. It was very fun.
We went back to our hotel two or three hours later. We all went to sleep, ate breakfast the next morning, and we left to our new hotel. We got there in the evening, and unpacked quickly. We ate dinner, and went to sleep again. In the morning, we ate breakfast at our new hotel. It was really good. Then we went to G3 from 9:00 – 5:30. Then we did that again the next day.
There was a huge aquarium right next to our hotel, and Daddy bought us tickets! First we saw the sharks. There was a tiger shark. Then there were the hammerhead sharks. After the sharks, we saw big stingrays, fish, sea turtles, and two huge whale sharks! Then we saw a show with dolphins and after that, a show with sea lions.
We also saw otters, penguins, puffins, sea dragons (which look like sea horses, but they actually have wings), crocodiles, jellyfish, a 4-D show about an octopus, and beluga whales. There were three beluga whales in one tank and two seals in the same tank. I don’t know what the seals were doing in the same tank as the beluga whales, because most animals had separate tanks.
There was also a petting zoo where we could pet stingrays. Their barbs had been taken off so that they could not sting us. They were very calm. They felt so soft and squishy! I think that was everything. The aquarium was awesome.
Then we packed our things again on Saturday and drove home. We arrived late in the night. We went to church on Sunday and unpacked when we came home.
I loved our vacation. We had so much fun and went so many places.
I have been learning about trials, and how they relate to the Lord’s discipline. I know God is using trials in my life as of late. The following text comes from the book of Hebrews 12:3-12.
3 Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives.”
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
12 Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees,
13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed
Easter Sunday 2021
I hope that by the end of this post, you might see how God uses His hand of discipline in motherhood. Of course, as in all my writing, I am talking to myself here. I need to process my thoughts.
Personally, I always thought of this section in the book of Hebrews as talking about the trials and persecutions that come from living the Christian life, and that is certainly the context in this epistle. These believers are facing intense persecution, and some are not even willing to gather with the church anymore (Hebrews 10:25).
I guess I had always associated the word discipline as something negative, as something that yes, you have to endure, as verse 7 says.
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?
The Lord loves you, and He is your Father, therefore He will discipline you – like a spiritual spanking of sorts – to grow you in holiness. That is also what verse 10 says.
10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
God does this because we ARE legitimate children, and He is treating us as sons. So in my head, I think I thought, “You may not like the discipline, but it is good for you, so… you are gonna have to suck it up, Buttercup.”
But I was wrong in considering discipline as only trials and persecutions, and bad providences. Particularly bad providences. I saw those as the Lord getting even with me. You know, I KNOW God’s wrath has been spent on Christ on my behalf, but I mean, what if the Lord considered it wise to bring some suffering my way in order to make me holy? Or what if I actually sinned in such way that the Lord chastised me with bad providences in order to get my attention? That is not at all unbiblical. It happened in the life of David as a result of his adultery with Bathsheba. Their first baby died as a direct consequence of their sin.
Maybe I did do something wrong or thought some things about the Lord that I shouldn’t have, and therefore I am experiencing what I am experiencing as a result. Honestly, though, if the Lord got even with me for every moment I don’t worship Him or think highly enough of Him as He truly deservers, I would be dead. Like DEAD.
The trials in my life lately have taught me to trust the Lord completely. I have put down the guard that unconsciously had developed in my heart. I know God does not afflict me from His heart (Lamentations 3: 33). He does bring suffering directly and indirectly – I can see that clearly in the Scriptures – but it is never as revenge or to get even. He brings suffering into my life because He loves me. He cares for me. And to the world of unbelievers, that makes no sense at ALL.
And I also think some believers recoil at the idea of a God who from all eternity decreed everything that occurs, without reference to anything outside himself; that He did this by the perfectly wise and holy counsel of his own will, freely and unchangeably, and yet God did this in such a way that He is neither the author of sin nor has fellowship with any in their sin – THAT GOD is almost a monster in their minds. But I cannot see it any other way. It would be terrifying to have it any other way. I know that God declares the end from the beginning, and that He accomplishes His purpose – even in my pain (Isaiah 46:10).
Job knew this. He knew the LORD gave, and the LORD took it away. He still blessed the LORD (Job 1:21). Job knew he was receiving evil – really bad life circumstances – from the LORD (Job 2:10, 42:11). I could say the same about Joseph, all his sufferings had a purpose. Some of the sweetest and most humble and gracious people that I know – that I aspire to be like – have suffered a great deal. Ever since I was pregnant with Danny, it’s like I was on alert. I was thinking, “When will it be my turn to experience some suffering?” I have never suffered for my faith, and God has been so good to me, that you know, I was like, “What are you going to do next, Lord? Are you going to take this baby away? Are you going to take my husband away? Are you going to allow cancer to invade my body? What are you going to do? I need suffering, and it’s like I know it might come sooner or later…”
Elizabeth Elliot is so gracious, I think, in her definition of suffering. She defines it as having what you don’t want or wanting what you don’t have. I call it gracious because in my opinion it allows for a lot of first world problems. She experienced my worst fear times three – she lost three husbands. So when I read her book, Suffering Is Never For Nothing, I think I have never really suffered. But Elizabeth herself says she had not suffered like others had. She once knew a mother whose four year-old had spina bifida, and some tests revealed that the child that she was pregnant with would also have spina bifida. Nancy Guthrie lost her six month-old daughter due to a metabolic disorder. Her husband got a vasectomy, but the procedure reversed itself, and their second son also died when he was six months old due to the same metabolic disorder.
I can’t imagine having to bury two children one after another. I can’t imagine burying my husband. But I also suffer. My suffering might look different than theirs, but it is the suffering that God ordained for my life. And I am not confused. God is good. It just hurts, and it is okay that it hurts. There are situations in my life that I would have never chosen to go through, but it is precisely those that God is using for my ultimate blessing.
Regardless of the many reasons for my suffering, I think this has helped me realize that God is close to the broken-hearted. Just as God ordained the death of Lazarus for the glory of God (John 11:4), Jesus also was deeply moved and greatly troubled. He suffered with them (John 11:33). God can bring suffering directly and suffer with you. It is not either/or, it is both/and.
In my sadness I have discovered a new face of God that I had never seen, and it is a sweet face. I have not blamed Him or get angry with Him, if anything I am angry at sin, and death. Death should not be part of this world, but somehow it is. Sin has destroyed everything, and I find myself longing for heaven in ways that I had never done before.
It isn’t explanations that we need. It’s a person. We need Jesus Chrsit, our refuge, our fortress, the stronghold of my life. It takes desolation to teach us our need of Him.
Elisabeth Elliot
I think that was a long background for what I was trying to say: suffering is not necessarily always a direct result of wrong-doing. And I think I always associated the word discipline with bad consequences. But my pastor taught me the other day that discipline, really, involves the whole act of training up a child in the ways of the Lord.
Discipline involves the rearing of a child, the training up, the instruction, the rebuke, and yes, the chastisement. In a word, discipline is the proper instruction that trains someone to reach full development – full maturity. It involves much of what we think for the purpose of education.
That’s what we do with our little ones, right? We spank them, but not only that. We correct them, we encourage them, we love them, we educate them in the Lord- because we want them to be spiritually mature. So with this in mind, I want to encourage you today, and again, I’m talking to myself here… Where is God putting His finger in your life today?
You may not have children yet, or maybe you are en empty-nester. You may have never had children, but if you are God’s child, He is disciplining you. He is always training you.
Behind every tear we have shed for our little ones when we see them in pain,
Or behind every prayer that we have prayed so that the Lord will bring them to Himself,
Or behind the sleepless nights when they are sick at the hospital,
Or behind the infertility or the many miscarriages,
Behind the exhaustion of potty training, or changing the diaper for the 20th time a day,
Or behind our children’s disrespect, or their sinful choices as adults…
Behind all that, God is training us to achieve full maturity as His children. He is training us through our present circumstances -whatever they might be – to fully become what He wants us to be. And what is that exactly? What does God want to achieve in us?
Ephesians 1:4 says He chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we should be holy and blameless before him. That’s exactly what Hebrews 12:10 says, He disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.
Romans 8: 28-29 says He works all things for the good of those who – what? Those who love Him – for those who have been called according to His purpose. And those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to – what? To the image of His Son. He is making us more and more like Christ. Becoming like Christ involves going through the Lord’s discipline.
Now, I don’t know all the details of your life, there are great joys in motherhood. Nursing, your baby giggling for the first time, your child walking, or your children actually playing with one another. Sometimes we take those for granted, don’t we? I know I do. So enjoy those great moments. Cherish them and praise the Lord every morning for them. Thank Him. Make a habit or remembering the goodness and mercy of God.
Where is God putting His finger in your life today?
Elisabeth Elliot
But temptations to be forgetful will come specially when things are not going that well. So like I said at the very beginning of Hebrews 12:3, Consider Him, who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted.
Whatever season it is that you are in, do not take His discipline lightly, or despise it, as Hebrews 12:5 says. You see, the writer of Hebrews is quoting from Proverbs 3:11-12. I think the danger with discipline is that when we are going through it, we might either take it lightly (we might despise it/hate it), or we actually may become so discouraged that we will feel that we cannot go on. We might become weary.
And I also think that’s why the author of Hebrews gives us in Hebrews 12:6 (that accords to Proverbs 3:12) the reason to persevere. The reason we are able to endure is not because we Suck it, up buttercup. The reason is that the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives. If you are in Christ, God loves you with an everlasting, electing love that He only gives to His children, and that’s why He is training you, because He wants you to become like His Son. So we endure it with joy.
Hebrews 12:2 says we endure in the race by looking at Jesus. We set aside the sin that entangles us, and we focus on Him. He endured because of the joy that was set before Him, He despised the shame of the cross. I think looking inward or looking at others will disappoint us dearly, so we ought to consider ONLY Him. He is a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3).
There are many more things that I wish I could say, but for now I guess I’ll just finish by saying this:
My God is always good. He makes no mistakes, and everything that has happened and will happen in my life happens because He considered it necessary for my training as His child. He loves me, and His discipline is one of fatherly love. I know that now. That actually makes me happy and able to find joy in the midst of the trials of this life. I don’t know the reasons of why things happen, and I don’t really think I need to know or that I could handle it. But I know the One who holds the universe by the word of His power, and I trust Him completely.
Trial, to speak plainly, is the instrument by which our Father in heaven makes Christians more holy. By trial He calls out their passive graces and proves whether they can suffer His will as well as do it. By trial He weans them from the world, draws them to Christ, drives them to the Bible and prayer, shows them their own hearts, and makes them humble. This is the process by which He “prunes” them and makes them more fruitful. The lives of the saints in every age are the best and truest comment on the text. Never, hardly, do we find and eminent saint, either in the Old Testament or the New, who was not purified by suffering and, like His Master, a “man of sorrows.”
Learn us learn to be patient in the days of darkness, if we know anything of vital union with Christ. Let us remember the doctrine of the passage before us [John 15:1-6] and not murmur and complain because of trials. Our trials are not meant to do us harm, but good. God chastens us “for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness” (Hebrews 12:10). Fruit is the thing that our Master desires to see in us, and He will not spare the pruning knife if He sees we need it. In the last day we shall see that all was well done.
J.C.Ryle, Expository Thoughts on The Gospel of John, p.268
I have not kept my goal for blogging this year. Let’s see… what has happened in our lives lately?
Danny is six months old, and almost 18 lb.
2. There was a winter storm in Houston like a month ago, and we lost power and water. The house got around 50F, so it was like camping, but nicer.
3. We also went camping. Emerson ran a 50K trail-race, and I am training for a 5K pushing Danny on the stroller.
COLORADO BEND STATE PARK
4. Homeschooling is going well. There are days that are complicated because Danny cries all the time, and I just can’t teach the children some subjects. Other days he sleeps well and we can have a lot of subjects done, but not as many as we were used to. I am looking forward to having a long break, but not too long, otherwise they will forget stuff. LOL!
Some people have told me I need to relax, that the children will do fine with school. I am trying to believe that. I am trying to remember that you don’t have a baby every homeschool year, right? Right? If we do have another baby (and it is my prayer that we do) then it will only get crazier, but sweeter 🙂
I turned 38 years old last week. It was a sweet celebration. I had my favorite for dinner: steak, sweet potatoes, and asparagus. There was also a humongous chocolate cake that I made myself, although the recipe is not mine. A sweet friend from church shared it with me since I basically ate an entire 9 in. x 13 in. cake pan when they brought us dinner after Dany was born 😬
So I finally finished reading my commentary on the book of Ephesians, and I began reading the book of Colossians. I have always wanted to study Colossians deeper as I’ve heard it talks about the supremacy of Christ. My commentary is on the way, but this morning I read this from Colossians 1:9-14,
And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of theLord, fully pleasing to him:bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. 13 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.
As I shared in my last post, I have been reading You Who, by Rachel Jankovic. I cannot say I did not know what she has been talking about throughout the whole book. I did know. I am terrible at remembering my Savior, though. I sin when I forget whom do I belong to. I was thinking about this two days after my birthday:
“Will there be a day in which I won’t feel the temptation of wanting to be enough APART from Christ?”
I know I am nothing without Him. I know my identity is in Him. I know every breath is a mercy coming from Him. I know – in my head. And then I forget. I don’t forget to the point of going backwards five years in my life, say, like when I began Christian counseling; there are days, however, where the feelings don’t match what I read in the Scriptures. And that’s where the fight is, right? At least for me. It really takes the work of the Holy Spirit to bring life into my heart to help me see Christ every day in the text. It takes the Holy Spirit to make me die to self every single morning as I start my day.
The chapter Turn to Christ is by far my favorite because she talks about the sun and the moon. It rocked my world!
Rachel starts,
Being oriented to Christ and to the glory of God is in fact the answer to almost every human trouble. The fact that it is almost always the correct answer is NOT the same thing as being the answer we always want to hear. The phrase “Turn to Christ” is a well-trod path in Christian encouragement. You have probably heard it before, and here I am saying it all over again. If you are struggling in your life, this kind of advice might make you feel like you are being dismissed.
Do you feel lonely? Turn to Christ.
Do you feel like you are laboring under burdens that are destroying you? Turn to Christ.
Do you feel the deep need to know and be known? Turn to Christ.
Do you wonder where the time is going and why anything matters? Turn to Christ
Ain’t this the truth? Turning to Christ is the obvious answer, but she is right, sometimes I don’t want to hear that. Maybe in all my ramblings, I hope, you can see that I am a selfish individual in desperate need of God’s saving grace. It has never been my intention to present myself as anything else. This chapter was awesome to read. It exposed my sin clearly. I was like, “WOW… somebody finally put into words what I feel when everything in me wants to yell like Pam.”
Mostly, this is how the inside of me feels when I struggle. And I almost never have time to sit down right then, and think why I feel the way I feel, and deal with it quickly. If I let it go for a long time, it just starts piling up, piling up, piling up, and then BOOM!
I learned to do that in counseling. It wasn’t like the counselor would teach me how to think, she would just basically ask me questions, and I would ramble for an hour and cry. It takes time and prayer to deal with my feelings. By prayer, I don’t mean hearing the voice of God telling me what’s wrong. I mean I actually ask God to help me deal with my feelings as I read His Word. It has been His Word and seeing Him there, seeing Christ there, what has healed my once-broken heart. But it does take time for me to process why I feel the way I feel at times. There is always sin involved.
Like the other day, my husband and I argued for a whole day. I was so upset. It was so stupid in the end. He was so kind in listening to me trying to put two sentences together without me getting angry or overwhelmed. Then the children would come and interrupt, or it was time to cook, or the baby would cry… It all ended up being that I wanted romance in our marriage. And when he said it, it took him two seconds. He said, “Karla, I know what you want. You want romance.”
I was like, “Why didn’t you say that five hours ago!? It would have taken us five minutes to deal with this issue, and not the whole day.” But he was so sweet and said he wanted to hear me, to hear how I felt, and telling me what he already knew was not gonna help. He is really patient with me.
🙂
Rachel continues,
I know that for many of you this admonition would make you think something like this: “Yes, yes, I see Christ. But what about this mess here? I’m talking about this mess in my life, I am not talking about Him! I know He is perfect, I just can’t figure out how that is supposed to help me right now! I want to be known because I want a husband, not because I don’t know about Christ. I want to be free of the guilt and shame of my weight problem because I want to be attractive, and I don’t see how looking to Christ will magically make me more appealing! I want someone to tell me that I matter to them and that I am important, not read the words of Christ because He says those things to everyone. I want something more than that. Stop telling me to look to Christ because I already know about Him and I’m still here having this problem!”
Talk about some honesty here! I had not seen that level of honesty in a book – ever. I have felt like that. That’s the kind of thing that got me into counseling. I was manipulating my children, my husband, and all my relationships were very codependent (which is secular jargon for idolatrous). I wanted worship – that was it. Of course, I would have never said that, I don’t even think I knew what was happening to me at that moment. All I knew was that I was in a lot of pain.
The deeper I dived into my Bible, the deeper the conviction grew. It was almost as if God were performing heart surgery. The pain grew deeper in a way. I wanted my husband to love me, and give me all his attention. I wanted all his time. I wanted to feel – to be – beautiful, but then I didn’t. I would go around in circles, worrying about things, grumbling, not being happy. My family never talked about anything – everything was stuffed down. Am I making sense? If I ever felt angry or sad or whatever, I never learned to put a name to those emotions and deal with them accordingly, let alone doing so from a biblical perspective.
Like say, anger. Anger happens, but anger can be sinful. So there’s a way to express your anger, deal with your anger and actually, repent from your anger. The same with sadness. The more and the longer I read my Bible, I saw Him. I saw Christ as beautiful. Everything that I ever wanted, He was giving it to me, and I was rejecting Him because I wanted those things from Emerson, not from Christ. Like, Christ was good and all, but I wanted to feel loved, deeply loved by my husband. Appreciated. Seen. Heard. Valued. And those things are not wrong, but there’s a fine line in which those desires can turn into idolatry. I crossed that line and Emerson, my children and other people were sitting on the throne of my heart – not Christ.
It was sinful to demand this from my husband. It was evil of me to manipulate the relationship in order to get those things, you know, like when you play victim? Plus It was actually unfair. I was putting on my husband the burden of carrying my heart, my troubles, my pain, when the man was not even able. Emerson is a great man, but He is not Jesus. Emerson is not supposed to satisfy my every single need or fulfill me – God is.
Anyway, this is not a counseling session, and of course, I don’t expect you to relate to me. I am just here thinking no one gets to write a book and nail those feelings perfectly just randomly. This woman, Rachel, has to have experienced those herself. And I am thankful she is better at writing them down, and doesn’t ramble like me LOL! I am thankful she point us to Christ. This book has definitely done that for me. So…
This is when she talks about the moon,
This reveals something that is wrong in our thinking. Jesus Christ is not a glorious mountain that makes up part of the scenery of our life. Looking at Him in the distance as though He was an immobile and indifferent thing is part of the problem. We think we are looking to Christ when what we are doing is simply being aware of His existence.
Imagine that the moon was having a hard time. Imagine it crying to itself, saying, “I don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t feel useful. I don’t feel beautiful. I just sit here in the darkness all the time with no purpose, no goals, no identity. I feel useless, adrift. No one cares about me or wants me to be anything special.”
What if someone could say to the moon, “Look to the sun! Just do what you were made for! Reflect the glory! Look to the sun while you go on your journey and your face will be bright! You are beautiful when you are oriented to the sun. You are purposeful when you are oriented to the sun. You are needed when you are oriented to the sun. You were made to be oriented to the sun!”
Now imagine the moon saying something like, “Oh, that? That seems sort of unrelated. Why would that help me? What does that have to do with anything? I mean, I know it is there, but it has always been there. It doesn’t have anything to do with the way I am feeling right now. It just seems like pointless platitudes. It doesn’t really feel like you are listening to me.”
On a fundamental level, we were created in order to do this. This is our purpose. This is our calling. Whenever we are feeling lost and adrift and without purpose or goals or people who want us, we are in the middle of not doing our most fundamental job of looking to Christ. We don’t look to Him like we are looking at a poster of a faraway place. We do not look to Him like He is a piece of information in a textbook. We do not look at Him like we look at an old family snapshot, remembering a good time. We look to Him as we were created to look at Him—in an interactive, glorifying relationship. We reflect His glory. This metaphor of the moon and the sun is a biblically accurate metaphor for our relationship to Christ.
After reading that, I literally thought, “I’m an idiot.” 🤦♀️
I knew this. I knew this. And yet this was so clear. I seriously praised the Lord for His mercy in letting me see it yet again. All my issues always come when I start trying to reflect my own light. Can people reflect light? Of course they can. But when they try to reflect their own light, they end up being burned down. It is pretty exhausting.
Am I pretty enough?
Am I good enough?
Am I smart enough?
Am I thin enough?
Like, good enough for WHAT?!
I was talking to my son the other day. He was boasting about being better than his sister at playing this typing game they play. He didn’t come to me to share how much he liked the game, his intent was to tell me he was much better than her. I hate that. I don’t encourage that. I said, “Wait a minute. Can you actually type like she does? Because she is pretty good at it. I mean, she basically typed a whole chapter of my book faster than I could. Can you actually type?”
Of course he said no. I knew this. That was my way to poke at his heart.
So then we talked about his bragging, and how sinful the attitude in his heart was. He was boasting at being better at a game than his sister. I explained to him that I enjoy him playing that typing game, but that really, the whole point of those games is to improve his typing. If his typing is not really improving, then I don’t care how good he is at playing it. He has to actually finish his typing lessons, just like his sister did. I told him it was not my intention to hurt his feelings, but he needed to know that he was being proud, and being proud was an abomination to the Lord. We also looked at some Scriptures that literally said that. I was already feeling I was preaching to myself. God does that often when you are a parent.
Poor guy, he probably was just sharing with me, or maybe he wasn’t; it is those moments that I often use to disciple them. We talked about comparing oneself to others and how that is a terrible and dangerous game to play. If he is better than his sister at something, then he would be feeling better about himself, right? But when his sister is better than him at other things, then he gets depressed. I know my son. He is a mini me – physically and emotionally.
He actually said the other day that he felt like a lousy worm in the dirt (or something like that) when he does Math. Lots of drama, you see. This boy of mine needs to be confronted with the attitudes in his heart often.
And I do exactly the same thing!! Because deep down, hear me out… if I were actually better than other people, and I could be sure I am, or if at least I were satisfied where I am without comparing myself to others, then I would be content. We would be content in general. We would say that we are good at this or good at that. Nothing wrong with that, I talked about this in my last post. It is not sinful to recognize what God has done through you as long as you don’t glorify an earthly vessel.
Of course, I would never say I am much better than someone else at something. I know better, I know that sometimes that doesn’t look good on the outside, especially if I say it in order to feel better about myself. If I were actually better than others, and I knew it, I would be happy. We are always happy when we play the comparison game, and we end up being the better ones. Are we not?
But here’s the thing. Sometimes we don’t know if we are better, or we are not sure, and so, what do we do? We start asking questions, but we don’t ask direct questions like, “Am I more beautiful than my friend Sally?” or “Am I smart enough to finish a Science degree?” or “Am I fit enough to carry another pregnancy?” or “Am I a better mom than my neighbor?”
Danny is 16 weeks old 🙂
And what is the purpose of these questions anyway? Again, this is my way of processing things. Take no offense at this. I hope it does expose your idols if you have them.
My purpose when I begin the loophole of comparing myself to others and wondering whether I am good enough, or better than, is always that I, somehow, feel empty. Like Rachel said, “Whenever we are feeling lost and adrift and without purpose or goals or people who want us, we are in the middle of not doing our most fundamental job of looking to Christ.”
I look at other people to validate me. I look at other things to make me happy. I want to shine. I want to feel loved and appreciated and heard. And all those things are valid, but I will never shine the way I am supposed to shine as long as I keep trying to shine for my own sake, or for the sake of those things. I only shine my best when I shine for the sake of my Maker. When I am on the losing end in the comparison game, and I’m often there, life gets really blue. When I look at my husband and his reasoning skills, and his way of being organized, and his self-discipline, and his efficiency when he talks, and how focused he can be – basically he is everything that I am naturally not… Boy, when I look at him, I can get depressed so quickly. So quickly.
But I must not look up to other people to be my sun. I have a Sun, and it is Christ. When I try to shine and reflect the light of others, as if they were my sun; or when I try to be the sun of others, and make their lives revolve around me; or when I try to be my own sun, and get so focused on the self… Whenever I do any of that I am nothing but a thief. I am trying to steal the light from the One who owns the light. In reality I am nothing but a dark satellite with no light coming from me at all. When I bring myself up because I’m amazing at something, or when I bring myself down, and throw pity parties because my performance sucks; when I do all those things, I am opposing God by trying to steal the glory that rightfully belongs to only Him.
I mean, isn’t that what Satan did? He didn’t want to reflect the light. He wanted to BE the light. Satan was not perfectly content with being a beautiful satellite reflecting the light of the Sun. Satan wanted to be THE Sun, and that was precisely his downfall.
So I had this conversation with my son. I mean, not like that, but very similar. How gracious of God to give me, a sinner, the joy and the huge responsibility to raise little sinners. I had empathy. I actually talked to him about some of my struggles. The latest one being the use of make up because I woke up the other day and I saw in the mirror that I’m getting old. It was fun watching videos on how to apply it and what not, but at the end of the day, the dark circles and the wrinkles around my eyes are still there.
I shared with Enzo that deep in my heart sometimes I would like to be young again. I shared that the skin around my belly is not as firm as it once was, and everything is hanging low, and that very likely, it will continue to drop. And I have dark circles, and I want to look beautiful and vibrant, and he was laughing!
In the middle of my confessions, he actually said,
You see, my intention was to point him to Christ, not to his own abilities at the video game. I encouraged him to look to Christ if he doesn’t want to be carried away trying to be good at doing life on his own strength. He needs to practice typing, and also work hard at it; he can also be content if he is good at the game or at actual typing, but he should not boast about his abilities. He should rather praise God for them. How much of that talk actually made it into his heart? I don’t know. I pray a lot of it did.
It is always pride, isn’t it? Sometimes it masquerades as false humility when we try to put ourselves down or when we obsessively think about ourselves, and how we are not good enough this, or not good enough that. That’s the issue. Is culture trying to encourage our relationship with the One True God? No, culture always points us to ourselves. We are not the answer, though.
So here’s my mini-commentary of what I have thought about Colossians (finally!). It’s all stuff that has been on my mind since I read that chapter on the sun and the moon. I am probably preaching to myself here,
Look, you. Stop trying to pursue your own glory. It is not about you anyway. Whatever you do, do it for the glory of God, not for your own glory. Don’t be a glory thief. Be thankful your Maker has bestowed on you the great privilege of actually being able to reflect his glory, and that the more that He conforms you to the image of His Son, the more glorious you will become be, and the brighter you will actually shine. You will get the joy, and He will get the praise.
Forget about yourself. You want to please God? You really want to know if you are doing a good job? Then read. It is possible. God can actually be pleased with you. Stop trying to please others or make others please you until your face turns blue. Instead, get to work in pleasing Him because this is what life is all about. Here is how you do it.
Pray. Pray that He fills you up with with the knowledge of His will. When you know His will for your life, you will actually walk in a manner worthy of the Lord. When you know His will, you will actually be fully pleasing to Him. I am talking about the revealed will of God, not His will of decree. You can know His will in the things that you can actually do.
Your husband asked you to shred the pork? Do it, and do it gladly. Don’t give him the faces you give him, or rolls your eyes at him when he asks you to groom the gods. Submit to him, be a helper. Respect him. Honor him. Wanna please God? Endure with patience and joy. Take your children to the playground, and breath a prayer of thanksgiving. You actually have three children now. Didn’t you want that? Enjoy them, love them, cherish them. Yes, they can be particularly obnoxious at times, but so are you. Forgive them. Be compassionate with them.
Put to death what is earthly in you. Do not covet the life of others as if they have it better than you. You walked on these evil ways before, but now you must put them all away. Put away your wrath, kill your sin. Get up early to read your Bible. Go for a run. Be joyful. Pray often. Give thanks – in everything. This is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Renew your mind. Don’t be a slave to sin.
Want to please God? Bear good fruit in every good work. Of course, go to church, read your Bible, and catechize your children, but don’t miss the forest for the trees. Bearing fruit is more than just doing good works or checking off a list. You can’t please God without faith first. When you begin checking off lists, you get overwhelmed and start thinking you will never please Him. The list will never end, and it is not about the list. It’s not about doing, it’s about being. You are His child. You have His love. You belong to Him. You are His, and He is yours.
God has prepared all these good works already for you to walk in them, so walk in them. You were saved not by works, but unto good works. You were saved for good works. Live accordingly. In your homeschool, teach them to love Christ. In your neighborhood, be kind. Speak truth. Do not shrink back. Make dinner joyfully. Get your hands dirty. Bake more bread. Make more pizza dough. Involve your family. It is a mercy, not a burden, that you get to cook often, and that there is always plenty. If you haven’t, give thanks.
Offer your whole live as sacrifice to the Lord. And do all this for His glory. Ask Him to give you His strength, for you will burn out if you are trying to do this on your own. The more you do this, the happier you will become, and the less self absorbed you will be. You will stop thinking about your skin not being firm, or your the wrinkles in your face.
More on how to please Him? Increase in your knowledge of your Creator. Repent. Embrace a high view of God and the Scriptures. Submit to a local church. When something rubs you wrong, you are the problem, not the Word. Be willing to be wronged, and be wiling to be taken advantage of at times – specially in your own household. Be patient. Endure. If pain and suffering visit your life for awhile, regard them as friends, not as foes. God is treating you like His child. He loves you, and He never gives to His children anything that they don’t need. If you find yourself without zeal for your Maker, then you are not living in His will.
In case I forget, give thanks! He has qualified you. He qualifies you. He literally made you able. He has made you competent, He has made you sufficient. Fit to work. You are not trying to live a worthy life. You are already worthy IN CHRIST – worthy of an inheritance of light. You are already qualified. Live up to it. Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling then, because it is He who works in you to will and work for His good pleasure. He will complete His work in you.
He has transferred from the dominion of darkness into the kingdom of His beloved Son – what a gift! What a glorious truth! Rejoice!! You have been redeemed, you have been forgiven. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed. Get your second wind and keep running the race. Open your eyes, and fight the good fight of the faith. It is not easy. Be on your guard. Haven’t you noticed lately that the enemy of your soul never sleeps? He’s always prowling like a lion, ready to devour you. Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.
There’s no difference when done to the honor of the Lord between preaching and washing the dishes. As touching to please God, there is no difference at all. Do not look for loopholes. Women are not given the role of preaching with authority to men. Read your Bible. Trust and obey.
And STOP asking if you are enough. Ask yourself instead, ‘Am I fully pleasing to God?’ You will literally have your whole life with enough work in your hands to make sure you do.
Sister, as my Pastor told me, always keep your eyes on Christ and not men, and you will never be disappointed!
Wanna hear something super funny? I thought I had ordered a new commentary on Colossians. I was sure I had done that. But nope, I order a commentary on John 😂
BTW, thought this might prove helpful:
Colossians 1:12 – to the Father, who has qualified you, to share
Dissecting Jesus 